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Writers' Helpdesk, how may we be of service?

 
  

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Alex's Grandma
09:35 / 09.06.05
'Middle class white kids who want to write about what they did in their gap year' are preferable to middle-aged men who want to write about Wills'n'Harry did in their gap years though, surely ?

( Although I suspect there's a great epic novel about Prince Harry out there somewhere, just waiting to be put down on paper - the lovechild son of the last royal family that still pulls the crowds, and his fractured relationship with the tabloid press he might quite reasonably feel had murdered his mother, pretty much live on television ! Before filming the funeral ! How he feels about watching his *real* father being sexually pleasured on a Channel 4 dating show ! The fancy dress party - 'Sid Vicious had far less reason to dress up like that' - Discuss ! The A-level incident, as if he's the only young man to ever be 'helped' through his exams by the staff at Eton ! He's only about 20, and there's enough in there for something on the scale of Lord Jim already... )
 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
10:57 / 09.06.05
a thread reply or a PM would go a long way towards calming my troubled mind ...

I'm afraid I don't really know a lot about the MA course (except by reputation) and I have no idea what the interview would be like. The Undrgrads just had to submit a short piece and they whittled us down to 16 out of about 200 (don't mean to boast or anything...).
My general impression of the U/G course was that it lacked focus and the tutors made it too easy for people to wing their way through doing the minimum expected of them. For a creative writing class to work you really need a lot of enthusiastic, smart people and there weren't enough on the U/G course to really blow my mind and make me raise my game.
I am planning on doing the MA when I get the degree done, so I'm gonna turn your request around and ask you for any information you have on the MA.
Good luck.
 
 
Ex
16:50 / 24.07.05
Question: I'm entering a competition (teen or 8-12 novel, details on a pdf here) and they've asked for the first three chapters and a synopsis.
No specification on the length of the synopsis.
How much do you think a judge will wade through before giving up? I was thinking I'd try to whittle it down to three and a half pages- does this seem laughably skimpy, or will they ditch it after paragraph three? ("Daisy Fandango and her mysterious new friends return to the Magic Pony Ballet Academy for the fifth time...")

Any thoughts welcome...
 
 
Alex's Grandma
17:11 / 24.07.05
Ex,

Unless it's typed double-spaced, a three and a half page synopsis is a bit too long.

Think of yourself as a restauranteur* - you don't have to list all the ingredients, you just need to make sure the dish sounds enticing, and that having read the preamble, the punters are interested enough to step through the door. At which point you can serve them caviar or rat poison, according to taste.

* over-extended metaphor, for which on all kinds of levels, I deeply apologise; basically though, I'd be inclined to keep it short.
 
 
Ex
18:17 / 24.07.05
I'll chop it down a chunk - thanks for the thoughts.
 
 
Sax
12:19 / 25.07.05
One page. And make sure you tell 'em what happens at the end, as well - it's a synopsis, not a blurb. They hate it when you finish with: "So will Karl and Diane find eternal happiness, or will the hired assassin with the claw for a hand destroy their love - and the world in the process - in a violent showdown at the Sellafield B reactor? Read on to find out!!!!!"
 
 
Whisky Priestess
16:40 / 25.07.05
One single-spaced page, I'm guessing. In little tiny font ...
 
 
Sax
06:13 / 26.07.05
If you can't synopsise your novel in one page you have no right to be published.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
18:40 / 26.07.05
Well in a perfect world arguably, but it's hardly a deal-breaker if it turns out you can't (really bring yourself to do it, or be bothered or some such,) is it, writer-boy?

(I should say here that I've just posted off, along with the other stuff - letter, sample chapters, wing, prayer, photos of my sister, wrap of crystal, wad of fifties, pictures of the family retreat in the south of France and so on - a synopsis that was just under two pages long, so...

So who will win the war of the synopses?

Will it be Sax? Or will truth, justice and decency somehow prevail?

Place your bets here!
 
 
Whisky Priestess
23:00 / 26.07.05
Ah, the lofty world of poetry has no need of such things! Every poem is its own synopsis. How elegant, how beautiful ... how like poetry itself!

So, this place is publishing a poem that was shortlisted for this competition last year.

Am I getting paid for it? Am I fuck. The honour alone is its own reward. I'm getting a copy and it can go on the shortest shelf in my room; the publications shelf. Still, the news gave me a minor glow, like I'd put my hand too near the grill.
 
 
Sax
07:57 / 27.07.05
I was just being facetious, Alex. Mine are generally a page and a half at least.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
10:12 / 27.07.05
Dude! Of course, of course...

It occurred to me, though, to try and synopsise 'Hinterland' in less than a page, so here's what I came up with;

'Dave, who's a journo, goes out and gets pissed. Some strange things happen, as if the stories he's covering are trying to cover him back. He gets looked at funny by a dog outside a pub. He has a word with his ex by the grave that he put her in. He goes on the internet. He has a few more drinks. He either a) sees through the paper-thin veneer of the 9-5 lifestyle, or b) goes bonkers. The end.'

With apologies, obviously...
 
 
Sax
11:16 / 27.07.05
When you put it like that, perhaps I should have spent just a little bit more time on the "plot" chapter of that book on writing I got out of the library.

But on the whole, not a bad precis. It would make me buy my book, anway.

Thinking about it, synopsising (is that a word) existing books might not be a bad exercise for people wanting to write their own synopsis.
 
 
Jack Fear
13:33 / 27.07.05
HOW ABOUT A SPOILER WARNING NEXT TIME, ASSHOLE!!!eleven!!
 
 
Alex's Grandma
14:36 / 27.07.05
Synopsising... existing books might not be a bad exercise

Ok!

Tess Of The D'Urbervilles - if in doubt, do put out.

Middlemarch - if in doubt, don't put out.

A Room With A View - let's face it, what've you got to lose?

Naked Lunch - if... well the less said, the better.
 
 
Ex
19:42 / 27.07.05
I was just being facetious, Alex. Mine are generally a page and a half at least.

Ooooh, you blighter! If a rather useful blighter, as my synopsis is now exactly a page long. In eleven point type, no less. It seems about right - YA novels are usually shorter than adult, anyway.
It was a bit like the nonfiction wordcount whittling I've done in the past - once you get it down that small, you wonder what on earth was the point of the stuff you took out.

So: YOU TOO CAN LOSE WORDS WITHOUT EXCERCISE OR PILLS! ASK ME HOW!!!!!

And congratulations WP!
 
 
Quantum
18:05 / 28.07.05
Here's a question (slightly rhetorical)- How does one escape the catch-22 of not having enough time to write, not getting enough done, not becoming a professional writer, having to work for a living and thus not having time to write?

I've tried 1) sleeplessness 2) drugs (inc. coffee) 3) getting up early 4) writing at work 5) trying to win the lottery.
So far no joy...
 
 
Whisky Priestess
18:55 / 28.07.05
You wanna lose that social life of yours, son. Friends merely hold you back from your dream of literary immortality.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
20:17 / 28.07.05
Quantum- if you're finding it hard to find time, why not scribble down random ideas whenever they occur; you know, a second's scribble in a notebook is all it takes.

As you go through your non-writing time, the ideas should grow and evolve, little by little, so that when you get a slot of time you can use exclusively to write in, you can do the actual legwork instead of wasting that precious typing time trying to think up ideas, which as we all know come when they want to and don't give a fuck about your schedule (and neither should they).

Also, if you're not writing, look for ideas. The office is full of them.
 
 
astrojax69
23:40 / 28.07.05
thought this might stimulate some desire to do worse (or better, which way you look at it, guess...)

mebbe barbelith should have its own dark and stormy thread...
 
 
Ex
08:01 / 29.07.05
Quantum: I'd say sorting out what your optimum working habits are would be a start. You probably already know but I will blithely prattle on. Variable may include: optimum length of writing stint, what bit of the writing takes the most time (planning, first drafting, editing and corrections, typing up from longhand etc), best state for generating initial ideas, etc.

Personally, I have been trying to sort this out. Now I know when I can work on what bits - I have to do first drafts in peace and quiet in stretches of more then half an hour, but I can do editing on a train, and type up corrections in lunchbreaks and teabreaks at work.

As a result, I've been squeezing a lot of space out of a day where I didn't previously notice it. I work in my lunchbreak and for an hour after work, usually, at my desk, so I get two hours done even if I then shove off and do nothing else.
This works well so after September, I hope to get a job which I work in the mornings and early afternoons, then get off fresh as a button to write in the afternoons. Rather than working all day for four days a week and then having all Friday to myself (when I'd probably wake up late, go shopping or chocolate and not extract a proper eight hours out of the available). Your habits may be totally the reverse, so getting a job that starts early and finishes late on less days of the week might be more use.
This may be so obvious that it's like the money-saving tips that tell me not to buy Chanel handbags - you may already be rising before dawn to prepare tasks for your fictional maidens. But I thought it was worth saying. Particularly because 'work in those small unnoticed spaces' always struck me as a crap bit of advice - I thought I needded them to recover from work - but it does work for me - it gives me a sense of achievement and doesn't drain my energy much.

Also, top tip: typing bloody fast. I learnt when younger, and it's invaluable. The mechanical speed of writing may be an intrinsic part of you
 
 
Ex
08:15 / 29.07.05
And the most obvious answer is that I don't spend money these days on anything except breakfast cereal. Boosting my savings, increasing my leisure hours and giving me scurvy that makes me mysteriously attractive to ladies.
 
 
Quantum
18:35 / 29.07.05
Heh. Good advice, ta! I unfortunately work from 10am-9pm weekdays and often 10-5 on a Saturday, so more leisure time is a problem, but I *have* just blagged a laptop from my mother, and given up drinking. So I'll have a way of compiling all the stuff I do together in one place, to take advantage of the little between times (lunch etc) have more time (no pub) and get something finished.
I think I'll start with a short story about the people who live in a bottomless pit.

why not scribble down random ideas whenever they occur
I unfortunately have approximately ten kilos of tiny bits of paper saying things like 'btmlss pit-people, falling/flying junk city/vertical net scavenger community' and such. I need to finish something!
 
 
Whisky Priestess
13:38 / 04.08.05
More opportunities from the very tasty Pulp Net :


Deadline 1 Sept: novelist and Pulp Net guest editor Rajeev Balasubramanyan is seeking the very best of new British writing for the first of his guest edited editions of Pulp Net. Stories 1000-2500 words long may be sent to Rajeev care of editor at pulp dot net with 'FAO Rajeev' in the subject header.
 
 
Topper
20:55 / 07.08.05
My online book There Are No Tropes in San Tropez has hit the halfway point, Chapter 5. It's being serialized monthly.

Where it's at: if our protagonist Snoz doesn't turn his ex Emily over to Lady Rene, for reasons unknown, a curse will ensure he dies before the next full moon. The current chapter is mostly back story: how Snoz and Emily met, and how Lucy lost the use of her legs.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
17:51 / 11.08.05
Tiny dance of joy ...

Got a letter in the post today from the lovely folk who publish my plays and thought it was probably a royalty cheque for tuppence, seeing as the first one was published nearly a year ago. But no! It was in fact the following:

(warning: hot-flush-inducing sums of money are mentioned in the following passage)

Dear WP,

HALF-LIFE

We have been apporached by an American publisher, Smith and Kline, who are preparing for publication another volume in their series "Best Women's Stage Monologues" - this latest volume will be for 2006.

They would like to include a speech of Jay's from Half-Life (I enclose a copy of the extract they wish to use). Our contract for the play only covers acting edition publication rights, not anthology rights, and I wonder if you would allow us to handle this for you? They are to print 2000 copies for sale throughout the world. The offer to include this speech is made on a favoured nations basis, i.e. every author is paid the same and this is just $20
(see, told you ...). However, being included would mean a much wider exposure for the play which would hopefully lead to greater sales, and eventually performances, of the work. Would you be willing to allow the speech to be included? I can stipulate that the $20 only covers the first (i.e. 2000) printing of the book and should it reprint, a further fee should be paid. You are also entitled to a copy of the work.

With best wishes,

etc.


Hear that? Best Women's Stage Monologues. That's me that is.

 
 
Shrug
20:20 / 11.08.05
*Puts party hat on*
Congratulations on your most excellent news.
Best Women's Stage Monologue is a pretty hefty accolade, well done.
Can we see it or would that contravene some publishing something or other?
Exciting!
 
 
Quantum
14:34 / 12.08.05
Woot and toot! You are BEST! They want to pay you actual money for your writing, that's pretty blinking cool in my book.

I had a week of free time (but no net access) due to my work flooding last week, and did I write my deathless prose? No. It turned out not to be lack of time stopping me after all, so I'm turning to the deadline method- I need to finish a piece on bird-conducting and do a Zombie story by September, GOGOGO!
I think pressure is the solution in my case, relentless anxiety and self-flagellation are the cure for procrastination.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
14:41 / 12.08.05
Yeah. Deadlines are what do it for me. Time off is useless unless it's limited - that way you can say "I must write 10,000 words in these precious two weeks" rather than "Ah fuck it, I've got ages, I'll start tomorrow."

Cistern, I'm pretty certain I can post the speech without fear or favour, but since I don't particularly want to clog up the thread with my stuff I will PM it to you over the weekend. If anyone else wants a gander too, just yell.
 
 
Quantum
10:45 / 18.08.05
*yells*
 
 
chiaroscuroing
09:46 / 20.08.05
I'm not entirely sure this belongs here, but can anyone recommened other poets in the vein of Bernadette Mayer?

thanks.
 
 
Loomis
10:41 / 23.08.05
I was wondering what sort of policy you folks adhere to with regards to referencing Real Life (TM) things like brand names, songs, films, etc.

I know that you have to pay to actually quote a book or song, but can you mention them as much as you like, or have your characters discuss a scene in a movie or whistle a well-known tune?

And what about brand names? Is there any sort of copyright restriction on having your characters drink particular beverages and so on? What about criticising said brands? Is that likely to get one in hot water?
 
 
Whisky Priestess
22:19 / 23.08.05
Hmm. I think you may have fairly free licence re your characters' opinions of P*psi, T*mp*x, M*cr*s*ft and so forth ... as long as you are not presenting as fact or truth whatever they choose to say about it (which, in a fiction, is pretty much a no-brainer) I reckon you're safe.

However, see Fight Club and anything by Douglas Coupland for examples of how (not) to namedrop brands ... hope they're useful.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
22:21 / 23.08.05
PS I am not a lawyer.

And yes, despite the above, I'm sure your heroes can talk as much as they like about elements and examples of popular culture without falling foul of intellectual copyright laws.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
10:09 / 13.10.05
Ask Salman!

News from Norwich: Mr Rushdie is gracing us UEA types with his presence this coming Monday 24th October, and has agreed to hold a Q&A with the prose MA people ONLY (we r so speshul). I might be around for this, but have not read any of his books and probably won't have time to over the weekend, hence I am all out of questions that don't involve his girlfriend.

Does anyone have a question they always burned to ask Mr. R? If so post it here and I will ask and report back.
 
  

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