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Writers' Helpdesk, how may we be of service?

 
  

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Whisky Priestess
15:49 / 20.05.05
The Creation can be a bit moribund sometimes but there's lots of good stuff on it, so I want to have a reason to check it regularly. This is that reason.

It's often a bit rubbish being a writer (part or full time). You spend long hours staring at a screen or piece of paper, stay up late into the night, agonise over bits of dialogue or turns of phrase, send your stuff out into the world and have to wait forever for a reply. The world of publishing is glacially slow and when you want to chat to someone about it, unless you've got understanding/writer friends, you can sound like a wanker.

This thread is for that. You can:
1. Tell us the good things that have happened to you recently, writing-wise (from finishing a poem to getting a two-book deal)
2. Come to us with writing-related questions (what's a villanelle? is this a good name for a character? what magazines publish horror fiction in the UK)?
3. Update us on your submissions and competition entries (Was a runner up in the Pedigree Chum Limerick Competition! Have won year's supply of dogfood! etc. or Bloody Granta turned down my story and didn;t even send it back even though I included an SAE ...)
4. Give us a heads-up on competition deadlines, opportunities and calls for submissions.

So, following my own formula, here's one of each to start us off:

1. I have an interview for the Creative Writing (Prose) MA at UEA.
2. Are there any other extant SF magazines in the UK apart from The Third Alternative and Interzone?
3. Ambit sent back my errrrrrotic short story (3 month time lag) - but I don't think I can bear to submit it to Scarlet.
4. 31 May brings the Biscuit International Short Fiction Prize 2005

Now y'all have a go!
 
 
All Acting Regiment
09:48 / 21.05.05
Seems a little dodgy that that short story competition you linked to requires you to pay £12 to enter- hardly an incentive?
 
 
Whisky Priestess
10:14 / 21.05.05
Yeah, I know it's a bit steep - but the 1st prize is a worth-bothering £1000 and it was the nearest closing date I could find on the website.

Plus they give me a 50% commission on any entries accessed via Barbelith, which is why I linked it. The above post is merely a cunning pretext to make money for myself!

You don't have to enter - but please do contribute to the thread - why don't you link us to a cheap or free one if the Biscuit one's too rich for your blood?

Tell you what, I'll start:

Entry £5, deadline September

Entry £1.25, prize £25, deadline July

The above links sponsored by my dark masters, the Save Our Short Story site.
 
 
Sax
07:05 / 23.05.05
Excellent thread, Whisk.

Not much to report at the moment other than following the publication of Hinterland, I've got another novel with an agent. It's amazing how publication - even something fairly small-scale like Hinterland - can open that door just a tiny bit wider... normally agents just want to see the first three chapters and a synopsis, but I managed to skip the first level and the agent asked for the full ms from the off. Now it's just the waiting game... three months is usual, as you'll know.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
20:56 / 23.05.05
Brilliant! Nice one Mr. Sax.

I should add that Pulp.net has a monthly free-to-enter short story competition, (check out Live Lit section), payment if picked £100.

One of mine is going to be up on the site next month and I will shamelessly link it when it's up.
 
 
Icicle
08:49 / 24.05.05
The
Middlesex Literary prize
has two first prizes of £1000. Closing date is end of June.
 
 
Topper
13:55 / 24.05.05
Congrats to Sax and Whisky Priestess! I'm not one who pins rejections to the corkboard, but I saved this one from Glimmer Train since it was rather nice. It came via email and there's a link to some writing advice.

Although we won't be publishing this particular piece, we do thank you for sending "Tobacco Smoke and Potpourri". It was a good read. We're not able to give specific feedback, but please take a look at Editors' Input for some ideas. Again, we appreciate the opportunity to read your work!
 
 
Whisky Priestess
17:33 / 27.05.05
But! British sci-fi mag Interzone has a three-month trial period (May, August and Jan) of accepting story submissions by email. Save yourselves the postage and send one off today! I did.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
15:13 / 02.06.05
Here is my twisted fairytale. I hope you like it - comments welcome.
 
 
matsya
04:08 / 03.06.05
Katy, that's a fabulous story. In both senses of the word. Such good pacing, such nice twists and turns, such wonderful fairytale imagery.

you rock-a da casbah.

m.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
15:07 / 04.06.05
Excellent thread. Nice one, Whisky Priestess. I'll be sure to pop in here and contribute when I can.

1. I have an interview for the Creative Writing (Prose) MA at UEA.

Good luck and congratulations. Isn't this supposed to be the best writing course in the UK? The last time I checked Andrew Motion was in charge, and included amongst their previous guest speakers were the likes of J.G.Ballard, Margaret Atwwood, Salmon Rushdie, etc. I heard it's bloody difficult to even get an interview and never wanted to put myself through the possible rejection (story of my life - sob,sob, poor me). Good on ya sister!


Off to read your story...
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
15:22 / 04.06.05
Read it, loved it, still thinking about it... All the signs of a great story.

UEA should consider themselves lucky to have you. I'll be sure to keep my eyes peeled for your name on the bookselves in the not so distant future.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
15:46 / 06.06.05
Well, Interzone sent me my sci-fantasy tale back (and looking at their summary of the plot I'm not entirely surprised), but bloody hell they were swift about it - the usual wait time is 2 months, not 2 weeks. I can highly recommend their professional alacrity. The nice gentleman who emailed my rejection was called Jetse de Vries.

Thank you for the kind comments - I blush in your general directions, matsya and paranoid: I was rather afraid it would look a bit whimsical next to stories about feral children and urban violence and whatnot, but I'm glad it held up.

The last time I checked Andrew Motion was in charge

DO
NOT
EVER
SAY
THAT

He's not "in charge", God willing, of all the courses (except in a nominal and hopefully non-interventionist way) - only of the poetry course, which was why I didn't apply to do the poetry strand even though I reckoned I'd have a better chance of getting in that way as my poetry track record is better and longer.

But I would rather have sex live on Big Brother than suffer the soul-crushing irony (not to mention mutual indignity) of Andrew Motion trying to teach me how to write poetry. In fact, I hope that if we meet on the green swards of UEA by chance I can press a slim volume of, oh I don't know, ANYONE ELSE EVER upon him and exhort to him to read it and thereby learn something about verse.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
16:05 / 06.06.05
I take you don't like Andrew Motion?

Seriously, I'm no expert in poetry and I haven't read his work, so I can't judge. My point was the prestige and standard of education at UEA. Not only will you actually learn something about writing in the company of others who are serious about their art (trust me, this is rarer than it sounds), but also agents (etc) will be coming to you to check out your work, so you automatically avoid the dangers of the slush pile.

Of course, one might think "bollocks to all that" and prefer self-education and self-publishing to any established pathway. I'm pretty open-minded about the whole thing. But then again, I suppose I have to be.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
16:56 / 06.06.05
Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to shout - it's just that the mere mention of his name is enough to send me off on one I'm afraid.

It's just that I think the only reasons he was appointed Poet Laureate were
a)nobody else wanted the job
b)he's such a gurning media don that his was one of the few names people recognised and
c)last and worst, nobody really cares about poetry. I on the other hand do care about poetry, which is why his very existence offends me.

But you are right: he's a clever man and a respected academic and I'm sure his name opens more doors than it slams in the wide world. He's the overall "boss" of the MA in Creative Writing but Patricia Duncker (whose work I do respect) is the head of the Prose Strand.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
18:31 / 06.06.05
Sorry to go off topic, but what's the big deal with Poet Laureate? Don't get me wrong, I know little about Mr Motion so I have no idea about the merit of his opinions, character, and talents, but I seem to remember Ted Hughes getting a lot of flack as well. Surely, "Art is art is art is art... "(and so on)? I mean, there's room for everything, non? And besides, 'Poet Laureate'? Are you a royalist? Do you really care?

It's like music. You can spend years hating what you consider to be pap, when could have spent all that time making your own tunes. The best such hatred can achieve (and believe me, I'm no angel here myself) is to fuel your own endeavours. But this type of energy is polluting, and surely it's better to generate your own steam than syphon someone else's?

Please don't take this as criticism. I just wanted to point out that (as is clearly apparent) you "love" poetry not "hate" it. Who knows, (and I know full well I'm poking my head over the parapet here, but) maybe there is something Andrew Motion can teach you after all? You'll never know if you don't give him a chance.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
21:07 / 06.06.05
Yeah, but I love acting and drama and films too, which is why I despise Keanu Reeves. It's a taste thang, is all.

All I can honestly say in my defence is, read some of his poetry (Motion's not Reeves's - my God, that would be the End of Days) and see if you still feel the same ...
 
 
Whisky Priestess
21:11 / 06.06.05
Plus, I don't spend my time reading and hating Motion for some bizarre masochistic thrill - I read the good stuff (e.g. Simon Armitage) and praise and enjoy that.

I must admit that I do badmouth Motion whenever I can, though, just so that people don't waste their money and time. :P It's a social responsibility, like spreading the word about a traffic jam or a bad film.
 
 
Olulabelle
21:27 / 06.06.05
WP, not to get all shirty, but I think your comments about Andrew Motion are everything bad about the literary world. Just because he's fairly mainstream and a recognisable name to most people regardless of their interest in poetry, does not make him bad.

You may not like most/any of what he writes, and I don't profess a particular fondness for him either, but the point of having a Poet Laureate is surely to make poetry more accessible. He does do that.

It make me fume when the literati (and in particular poets), start whinging about the quality of other poet's poetry. As paranoidwriter said, Poetry is art and someone, somewhere will gain something from Andrew Motion's poetry, just as someone, somewhere likes Benjamin Zephaniah or Alice Walker, or Roger McGough.

Surely making poetry popular is more important than popularising what's considered 'up to standard' by the literary intelligentsia?

Disliking accessible poetry is the literati at it's very worst.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
21:50 / 06.06.05
I was thinking about this as I absentmindedly watched "London Tonight" and suddenly felt like a filthy hypocrite as my hatred for Alistair Stewart resurfaced in my mind like a turd in a public swimming pool.

I was also reminded of the time when Ricki Lake dared to ask a smack addict who'd already had more than their fair share of tragedy: "But why do you do it?"
My friend had to almost hold me back from the screen: "Why can't you stop eating all that junk food you hypochritical...!...(etc)..."

I don't know, is there room for Keanu Reeves? I've never met him, so I don't know what he's like, and though I agree he may not be the new Laurence Olivier, I still think he was perfect for The Matrix (I still haven't seen Parts II, and III)). Why should "The One" always have to be interesting and deep, know what I mean?

Hmm.... I dunno.... I suppose I'm just trying to be a bit more understanding these days. Time for my Green Tea...
 
 
Whisky Priestess
00:38 / 07.06.05
Sorry, Olulabelle, but I don't dislike Motion because he's accessible - Armitage is accessible too, Larkin is, Betjeman is, so are John Hegley and Roger McGough and I have no problem with any of them, because IMHO (and in that of many others) their work is good: they know how to use language* to good effect, to say something new or fresh or interesting or simply beautiful. This quality, essential, crucial to good poetry, Motion simply does not have, again in my opinion.

To clarify: I don't dislike Motion's work because it's accessible; I dislike it because it's crap.

Surely making poetry popular is more important than popularising what's considered 'up to standard' by the literary intelligentsia?

No, not if it's dross. Just like television, poetry is not a Good Thing in and of itself. It has to be good to be worth something. Opinions differ as to what is good: fine. This is why we have Buffy and Changing Rooms and Big Brother and Cracker and Countdown. But I am allowed to hate or like any or all of the above and I don't get called a snob, which is basically what you're telling me.

(Also, if we're gonna get technical, the point of the Poet Laureate is not to popularise poetry, it's to write celebratory verse about royal occasions. God knows Andrew earns his butt of sack with his raps for William and so on ...)

I also think you're making some pretty sweeping and unfounded assumptions about my background, my tastes, my education, my judgement and my motivations which don't really stand up to scrutiny, all because I dislike the work of one particular poet. I have nothing against the man himself (see above for how he's a respected academic etc.) except that he writes such execrable poetry! It actually makes me and many others wince! It really is that bad!

Having said all that, I'm not particularly aching for a scrap, brilliant though it would be to get into a savage debate about the state of modern poetry, but I think having a go at me for what is ultimately a matter of personal taste is probably not the best way to defend poetic free speech. How I feel about his work is just my opinion but it's a deeply held one and there's no reason I should not voice it.

Sorry to bang on at such length, but I sincerely believe that bad art is an offence against the human heart and mind and should not be tolerated, which is why I give so much of a shit.

I hope I'm not offending you by responding in this way, but I was a bit miffed by the vivid image you drew of the sort of critic/reader you appear to think I am, and wanted to clarify my position.

*accessible language, that is
 
 
Whisky Priestess
00:49 / 07.06.05
And I'm not whingeing, I'm ranting! So there.

VERSE-RAGE!!! RAAARGH!
 
 
Whisky Priestess
00:53 / 07.06.05
I'm so fucked for UEA if Mr. M stumbles across this thread while Googling himself ...
 
 
Whisky Priestess
01:09 / 07.06.05
In fact this is probably really bad karma for my interview. Shit.

Plus I'm talking to myself about poetry at three in the morning and that's definitely one of the first signs of madness.

I'm going to bed now. Good night, good night; sweet dreams of Grecian urns and thought-foxes to one and all ...
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
07:05 / 07.06.05
Frankly, until Mr. Motion persuades one or for preference two of his partners to top themselves he's no Laureate of mine.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
07:37 / 07.06.05
Standards are slipping in more ways than one, aren't they?
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
14:04 / 07.06.05
Standards are slipping in more ways than one, aren't they?

Since the dawn of inception... Thank f**k!

Here's a relevant question: Dear Helpdesk, can you recommend a decent "How to..." book about writing (formatting, etc) for comic-book artists? I've seen a few out there, but as I'm skint I need to be sure I spend my money wisely, whenever possible.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
15:41 / 07.06.05
Oooh! Umm... There's How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way (no, honestly - Cameron Stewart spoke highly of it, IIRC). There was a thread in Comics about this, but I can't find it, so I suggest popping over and starting a new thread asking for recommendations.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
16:01 / 07.06.05
I used to own that book, but it was about "How to Draw.." not how to "How to write for Draw-ers of..." It was an excellent read, nonetheless, and full of John Byrne's excellent artwork. But thanks for the recommendation anyway. You're right, I should probably ask in the Comics forum.
 
 
Spaniel
16:03 / 07.06.05
I think Paranoid's asking for texts on script writing rather than art how to books.
The best one I've come across is The Writer's Guide to the Business of Comics.

I suggest you search Amazon using the keywords Writing and comics.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
02:20 / 08.06.05
I think Sleazenation might have recommended one to me a while ago but I forget what it was called...
 
 
Ex
12:50 / 08.06.05
There are two collections of scripts by comics: Panel One: Comic Book Scripts by Top Writers and Panel Two. They aren't strictly advice but could give you ideas about conventions and techniques.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
13:44 / 08.06.05
Boboss- thanks, I hadn't seen that book before and I'll add it to my list.

Nina - thanks, I might PM sleazenation later today.

Ex - and thanks also to you, I'll be sure to buy this at a later date as I agree looking at other writers work can be great for getting tips on conventions and techniques, etc.
 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
16:50 / 08.06.05
I'm so fucked for UEA if Mr. M stumbles across this thread while Googling himself ...

I'm doing the U/G creative writing right now and, as far as I know, Motion has cut off all involvement with UEA. He made some dumb comments in the student paper a while back about how all the MA students are 'middle class white kids who want to write about what they did in their gap years'. It's possible he's come back, I don't pay much attention to the poetry side of things, but I doubt it.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
18:18 / 08.06.05
What a relief. I hold up my hand to being middle class (although whatwith recent unemployment and general shiftlessness I'm downgrading as we speak) and white, but gap year confessional stuff mine is not, thank God.

Listen, can I pick your brains either by PM or in person (I'm up in Norwich tomorrow) about the course/interview? There's a plea for help in the Conversation here so if you have time, a thread reply or a PM would go a long way towards calming my troubled mind ...
 
  

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