Lateshift...we're so damn shifty it hurts!

20:08 / 29.01.05

Hi everyone.

I'm so torrid with cans that when I looked in the mirror a minute ago and realised that that guy was looking at back me, but that also, crucially, I was looking back at him, it was all I could do not to leave town altogether, frankly.

20:11 / 29.01.05

Speking of nasty...my breath smells like toe-jam and I am hallucinating from lack of sleep. At least I think I am hallucinating, or else my cat has grown wings.

20:13 / 29.01.05

I think that may be far more worrying than my supposed misadventures with bowel evacuation.

Saint Keggers

20:15 / 29.01.05

"or else my cat has grown wings"

Yes! First the cat...then the monkeys!

20:21 / 29.01.05

I am going to go and have a hot bath with some eucalyptus bath bubbles. See you all tomorrow.

20:49 / 29.01.05

I have already had my bath and there are no new posts. What? You people can't lateshift without me?

Meludreen? I know we have thing goin' on, but you really shouldn't pine this way.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:50 / 29.01.05

P.S: I missed you too Mel!

21:03 / 29.01.05

I lateshift therefore I am. (Am at work, that is).

21:16 / 29.01.05

'Tis I, (shake specs) Leclerc!

21:20 / 29.01.05

Sigh! Vindication at long last! -Continues plucking daisy-

I don't know where everybody else went. Myself? I went on a super-secret DVD easter-eggs hunt.

'Lo Stoat.

21:25 / 29.01.05

AH! Mel! You are back! Gawd, it just wasn't the same without you.

I do have to go to work now, so I shall be going.

Hiya Stoatie, and bye, as well.

21:27 / 29.01.05

All I'm saying is that if I worked nights, I'd have photocopied my arse from here to eternity by now.

21:31 / 29.01.05

What makes you think they haven't already?

21:32 / 29.01.05

And back again, Alex, and back again!

Mind you, I have been here four and a half years. That's a lot of arse.

21:50 / 29.01.05

Two cheeks each time.

21:51 / 29.01.05

Well... I know I'll never see the results, but all the same, it would do a poor old romantic's heart good to think that somebdy, somewhere, is xeroxing their ass.

Copy #1 for Karl Marx

Copy #2 for Peter Cooke

Copy #3 for Elizabeth Taylor

And those asses should be copied with love, for heaven's sake.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:05 / 29.01.05

After Peter Cooke has removed the lobsters from Jayne Mansfield's arse presumably.

22:11 / 29.01.05

Ah, lobsterissimus bumikissimus. A very advanced case.

22:19 / 29.01.05

Could have been worse. Could have been Greta bloody Garbo.

22:24 / 29.01.05

I wasn't referring to 'that' sketch ( sorry if I seemed otherwise, ) but it was, in any case, Joan Crawford they were on about. And not her 'ass.'

22:27 / 29.01.05

I say Alex, are you sure? I could have sworn our beloved beheaded Jayne her great-bosomed self was in Cook's fertile and wonderfully disgusting imagination too, somewhere.

sleazenation

22:29 / 29.01.05

wouldn't that be Peter Cook?

22:31 / 29.01.05

'Twas Jayne.

In Malibu de Bum-Bum.

22:36 / 29.01.05

Ah feck it anyway. Let's make up our own depraved flight of fancy about a contemporary actress of impeccable moral virtue. Gwyneth Paltrow, perhaps? And this time ... let it be two-toed sloths instead of lobsters.

22:38 / 29.01.05

I never thought about Chris Martin like that before...

22:40 / 29.01.05

Thinking about it, I'm not sure - was it Jayne Mansfield*, or Joan Crawford ?

*According to a psychic who I consulted when I was very drunk in New York a couple of years ago, I am the reincarnation of Jayne Mansfield. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

22:42 / 29.01.05

Just stay away from dangerous drivers and keep your tits in, you'll be ok.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:45 / 29.01.05

I was once told by a cross-dressing circus strongman that I was the reincarnation of Peter Cook.

We should get together and talk.

22:50 / 29.01.05

What you're doing, you see, is confusing the "Worst Job I Ever Had" (removing the lobsters from Jayne Mansfield's arsehole) sketch with the "Up Joan Crawford" (where apparently there is no water, so the swimming pool is full of shit. There are, however, fleets of light aircraft, and hamburger stalls with no hamburgers) sketch.

I think I need to get out more. Maybe photocopy someone else's arse for a change...

Sean the frumious Bandersnatch

22:57 / 29.01.05

And use the resulting pictures as the cover for a long-overdue re-release of Derek And Clive Come Again.

23:12 / 29.01.05

hello, everybody. I just woke up half an hour ago!