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Star Wars mythology surgery

 
  

Page: 123(4)567

 
 
Rawk'n'Roll
10:19 / 18.09.04
Aside from the improved picture quality most of the "corrections" seem pointless.
Jabba looks very different between all the films (unless it's supposed to be other members of the Jabba clan?), the censoring is unecessary and the early revealing of Luke's parentage does kill the whole point of Darth revealing it to Luke.
It's all downhill from here folks.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
12:26 / 18.09.04
And now Lucas has censored all the bits where Imperial officers get shot?

He did WHAT???
 
 
Rawk'n'Roll
15:04 / 18.09.04
Look at the frame comparison link a few posts up... you get the blast and teh smoke but no red laser striking the officer's body.
 
 
Spatula Clarke
15:28 / 18.09.04
the early revealing of Luke's parentage does kill the whole point of Darth revealing it to Luke.

I though eps I, II and III already did/will do a fairly good job of that.
 
 
Lord Morgue
15:39 / 18.09.04
Begun, the editing wars have.

(sigh) Well, while we all still care, has anyone figured out conclusively what those bloody clones were for? I get that Senator Palpitine was organising a common enemy so that he would have an excuse to raise an army to eventually overthrow the republic by coup, but was he planning on Yoda showing up and taking command? Were the clones going to be another army in the forces assembling on Geonosis, or were they always going to fight Count Dooku's puppets? And how was Palpy going to introduce them? "And now that you mention an army, by an amazing coincidence I happen to have one lying about somewhere."

Oh, I found answers to two of my posers. Katarn's ship is a clunker called the Moldy Crow, and Dengar crashed his own swoop- the Imperials tampered with his memory when they turned him into a lobotomised killing machine.
 
 
diz
20:52 / 19.09.04
Well, while we all still care, has anyone figured out conclusively what those bloody clones were for? I get that Senator Palpitine was organising a common enemy so that he would have an excuse to raise an army to eventually overthrow the republic by coup, but was he planning on Yoda showing up and taking command?

yes. everything in AOTC happened according to Palpatine's plan. he has Dooku fake a few assassination attempts on Padme to win over Nute Gunray and the TF, to start the breadcrumb trail that leads Obi-Wan and the Jedi to Kamino, and to get Anakin alone with Padme so that his feelings for her will start to drive a wedge between him and the Jedi Order.

the clones are there to form the backbone of the Imperial forces, but by having the Jedi ostensibly place the order for the clones in secret (through Sifo-Dyas) and then go get them to start the Clone Wars on Geonosis, he can simulataneously get himself an army with which to consolidate his hold on the galaxy and blame any of the sketchiness on his enemies in the Jedi Order.
 
 
Lord Morgue
03:00 / 20.09.04
So, did he arrange for Shmi to be taken by the Sand People? And could he have possibly forseen that Amidala would be such a dirty slut, jumping on the first whiney, dimple-chinned, pouty bad-boy Jedi that waved his lightsabre at her?
 
 
Benny the Ball
06:53 / 20.09.04
Everybody knows she's a slut. Square plot line, round continuity seems to be the order of the first three films. I'm off to WH Smith now to see if I can fight the urge to actually buy that damned DVD box set.
 
 
Char Aina
07:48 / 20.09.04
dont go!
 
 
gridley
13:30 / 20.09.04
And could he have possibly forseen that Amidala would be such a dirty slut, jumping on the first whiney, dimple-chinned, pouty bad-boy Jedi that waved his lightsabre at her?

Well, that might go someway toward explaining how a teenager got herself elected as Queen of the planet. Maybe she used some sort of Britney Spears-style fandom to bring out the thirteen-year-old voters and the dirty old man voters.
 
 
Lord Morgue
13:45 / 20.09.04
Hmm, so Luke and Leia were the product of one of those drunken overnight Las Vegas-style weddings?
Yeah, Nat Portman was the original La Femme Lolita in "The Professional".
Matilda-"I think I'm in love... I can feel it down... HEERRRRREEEE..."
Leon-(runs out of the room) "NO! I will not fuck this little girl. Even though I am French."
 
 
Rawk'n'Roll
14:09 / 20.09.04
Teenagers are always Queens of Naboo... that was kinda conclusive from her successor.
But I'm all for the opinion that Anakin manipulated her using the force.
There was hardly any other reason for them to get together:
Padme: I hate you, you're rude...
Anakin: But m'lady...
Padme: Yes, you're right, I love. Lets shag.

I though eps I, II and III already did/will do a fairly good job of that.
In the context of "Empire" I mean... but I try to ignore the prequels so I can enjoy the OT. Well... tried. Now I can't avoid it after these re-edits.
 
 
Benny the Ball
15:10 / 20.09.04
Just finished watching the box set. Other changes include;

ANH - Luke's land speeder has been replaced with a Pod racer from ep i, and he spends twenty minutes flying around screaming 'yippeeeeeee!'

Ben's talk about Darth Vader killing Luke's father has been replaced with a scene where Ben says 'Luke, Darth is your father, but don't tell anyone'

Greedo's dailogue has been replaced to make him appear drunk and aggressive, before he opens fire on Han, he tells him that he is his 'best mate' and that he 'loves him.

ESB - All imperial characters' voices have been replaced with new zealand accents, except for Mr Bronson's voice, which has been replaced with that of Danny Kendle's.

Han Solo's clothes have been digitally altered so that he now wears something from Asda's George line as part of an in-store promotion.

Boba Fett is now in 83% of the film.

IG88 has been replaced with a new CGI droid, called IGGY 8O8, who wears see-through trousers.

ROTJ - The Ewoks now make several references to the Caravan of Courage so that this film can fit into the overall continuity in time for a special edition re-release.

Nim Numb has been replaced by Jar Jar Binks.

The rancor has had a CGI operators hand inserted thoughout it's sequence.

I haven't really bought it, I refuse to fuel that fat fuck's fizzy drink habbit anymore.
 
 
_Boboss
15:15 / 20.09.04
can general grievous do force moves or not? i say he can because he's a cyborg, bobossboy has said that he can't because he's a robot. who's right? and why shouldn't a robot be able to use the force anyway?
 
 
diz
15:55 / 20.09.04
So, did he arrange for Shmi to be taken by the Sand People?

maybe. i've kind of assumed so, just because it seems so convenient for his purposes in terms of timing and effect, and it would certainly be within the scope of his influence.

however, it's a little disturbing in the same way that Lovecraft's racist tendency to throw the uncivilized Negroes under the influence of the Great Old Ones is distrubing.

also, it's a stupid plot-hole. baby Annie was the hero of the Battle of Naboo (which just goes to show you how stupid the whole thing was). i would think that someone on the planet would manage to scrape together enough money to buy Shmi's freedom sometime in the ten years between movies and set her up with a nice apartment somewhere, if for no other reason than to keep the Chosen One happy so he doesn't, you know, go all Dark Side and kill everyone.

And could he have possibly forseen that Amidala would be such a dirty slut, jumping on the first whiney, dimple-chinned, pouty bad-boy Jedi that waved his lightsabre at her?

sure. he's a freakishly powerful telepath and they've worked together practically every day for like twelve years at that point. i'm sure he's aware that she's a desperate, codependent basket case who would welcome the chance to get in an obsessively bad relationship with a whacko stalker who needs mothering.

The rancor has had a CGI operators hand inserted thoughout it's sequence.

i had a CGI operator's hand inserted into my sequence at a fetish club once, and let me tell you, it's not for the squeamish.

can general grievous do force moves or not? i say he can because he's a cyborg, bobossboy has said that he can't because he's a robot. who's right?

he's a cyborg, and theoretically could be Force-sensitive as a result. however, i don't know if he actually is Force-sensitive.

and why shouldn't a robot be able to use the force anyway?

no good reason, other than the anti-tech bias on the part of Lucas which drives the whole series. which is weird, because the prequels clearly show that he's become enamored with technology to the detriment of whatever artistic sensibilities he has left.
 
 
Lord Morgue
08:03 / 21.09.04
Manipulate her using the Force? Oh, maybe THAT'S what the sulky man-child Jedi crybaby psycho has going for him.
Amidala- "Ooh, Annie- I don't care if the tabloid press is calling me a cradlesnatcher, it really turns me on how you alternately spout fascist propaganda, commit war atrocities that would make Idi Amin blush, and whine like a four-year-old who dropped his ice cream. Use the Force Choke on my cervix again, you potential genocidal tyrant you!"
Anakin- "Shit, Padme, I just Force Lightninged you up the whazoo five minutes ago, are you trying to kill me?"
 
 
Spaniel
10:21 / 22.09.04
I didn't say Grievous wasn't force sensitive, just that I'm not convinced that he is.
 
 
_Boboss
11:12 / 22.09.04
i think it's pretty clear he doesn't touch the heart-shaped-face jedi girl, but she does fly into a pillar and the pointy-head guy looks upset like she's just bought it.
 
 
diz
12:42 / 22.09.04
Amidala- "Ooh, Annie- I don't care if the tabloid press is calling me a cradlesnatcher, it really turns me on how you alternately spout fascist propaganda, commit war atrocities that would make Idi Amin blush, and whine like a four-year-old who dropped his ice cream. Use the Force Choke on my cervix again, you potential genocidal tyrant you!"

this is one of the main reasons i think Padme is such an unintentionally kinky character: she only starts falling for Anakin when he starts turning into a fascist. she's like some rich spoiled degenerate talking a bunch of BS about how much she loves democracy while secretly craving abasement under the jackboot of a hard master. it's like Star Wars meets The Night Porter.
 
 
gridley
13:06 / 22.09.04
And her mentor (Palpatine) during those formative years as teen queen was also a fascist, so maybe there's a little daddy lust transference going on.
 
 
Lord Morgue
13:33 / 22.09.04
Kind of a Britney Spears/Alessandra Mussolini thing going on there, then.

Well, at least we know where Luke got all the whiney genes, along with the midi-chlorians.
 
 
FinderWolf
13:36 / 22.09.04
>> ROTJ - The Ewoks now make several references to the Caravan of Courage so that this film can fit into the overall continuity in time for a special edition re-release.

What's the Caravan of Courage? Is that like the American Indian Trail of Tears? Or is that name completely made-up for your joke post (which I thought was brillant, by the way)?

I saw the DVD of ANH and thought the garbage monster looked exactly the same as I remember him/it. The millisecond shot of his bulbous eye poking up out of the slime looked suitably 70s ish and cheesy - I was surprised to later hear that this was not the original shot. I'll have to check those 'compare' versions -- it fooled me!
 
 
Lord Morgue
13:38 / 22.09.04
Poor Obi-Wan. Looney for a master, psycho for a padhwan, no wonder he's an alcoholic.
 
 
FinderWolf
13:40 / 22.09.04
I really wanted the first Luke/Biggs scene restored. The still photos from ANH also show that Luke had a friend at Tosche Station, a hot little 70s vixen named Camie or something or other! She would have given the SW franchise a little more sex appeal, eh? Fwaaahhhh!
 
 
Lord Morgue
13:46 / 22.09.04
Caravan of Courage was one of the two spin-off Ewoks movies. Mostly notable for starring Warrick Davis (Willow, Harry Potter) and Debbie Lee Carrington (Total Recall, Spaced Invaders, Batman Returns, Drew Carey, Wes Craven's New Nightmare, Seed People, The High Crusade, Baywatch Christmas Special, Club Fed)

Alright, I just wanted to show off how many Debbie Lee Carrington films I can name off the top of my head.

Off the top of my head, y'all!

And that's the cosmic shame.
 
 
_Boboss
14:03 / 22.09.04
but who is she? is she the 'sleazy...demure' one from total recall, or is she the wee one? if the latter, that's also her who plays the grieving ewok in rotj. you know the one i mean. if it is her, why did you so inexcusably miss rotj from your list of films she'd been in?
 
 
Lord Morgue
08:17 / 23.09.04
She's the wee one, alright. She was also the Ewok who gets shot, I think. Cheerleader, stuntwoman, degree in child psychology, interviewed on Rosanne's talk show. Big muscles, little black dress, hates being picked up because "If I'm not wearing any underwear, then HELLO!".
Has her own yacht with everything scaled to her size.
Was "Mini Mimi" on Drew Carey. Married a nice British bloke.

I'm not Barbecrushing, really.
 
 
FinderWolf
21:28 / 24.09.04
Check out this great article on CNN: some fun SW "making of" trivia I've never heard before:

http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/Movies/09/21/demystifying.starwars.ap/index.html
 
 
Benny the Ball
01:32 / 25.09.04
Irvin Kershner - Like a real life Obi Wan...

Funny that, considering that he made Dreamcatcher.
 
 
Lord Morgue
12:28 / 25.09.04
I so now want a T-shirt that says "Amidala is a dirty slut". I could wear it to the premiere of Ep. 3.
 
 
Jack Fear
14:28 / 25.09.04
LORD HEADS FOR MORGUE
Beloved Barbelite in Stomped-To-Death-By-Fatbeard Shocker!

"I Did It For Her Majesty," Cries Virginal, 35ish Assailant
 
 
Lord Morgue
15:22 / 25.09.04
Bah, bring 'em on! I'll smack them down with my plastic Darth Maul lightsabre and collect their beards, braid them on my belt like Boba Fett does with Wookie scalps. And without a fatbeard fanbase, George Lucas' empire will topple, to make way for a new order! An order of... Star Trek films that are ALL even numbered! Uwe Boll to be publicly flogged! Repeats of Blakes 7, Shintaro and Max Headroom for all! And the Star Wars Holiday Special to be finally recognised as canon, and played every Christmas. Along with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, because there can never be too much Pia Zadora. It shall be a new golden age.
 
 
Warewullf
14:33 / 26.09.04
All hail Morgue! All hail Morgue!

Lead us towards salvation!
 
 
Lord Morgue
14:49 / 26.09.04
It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy... I love the Barbelith. The power you give me I will lay down when this crisis has abated. And as my first act with this new authority, I will create a grand army of the Barbelith to counter the increasing threats of the fatbeards.
 
 
fluid_state
11:39 / 27.09.04
So I assume your first act upon assuming the title "Emperor Morgue" will be the dissolution of the Policy and Help forum, then? Can we find a Barbelith princess to send messages to our grand old Jedi, Obi-Wan Coates?

And when will this station be fully armed and operational? I've invited some of my crustacean friends over, see, and they're expecting fireworks.
 
  

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