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The miserable thread

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18:43 / 18.10.06

I hear you Feverfew. Learning how to drive can be the suck. Just reward your reptile brain for translating visual stimuli into new physical reactions.

Now only 20% miserable!

Ok so when you bake brownies for someone after you fucked up (akin to getting them a bunch of flowers) the brownies are now know as shammies (shame-ees).
Just remember they should not be deployed only in this moment or else a pavlovian cycle is set up. Bring regular brownies and flowers when you haven't fucked up so they are not equated only with apologies.

Chanting mea culpa* as a mantra before coming clean really does help making sure you don't over edit out of a knee jerk reaction to not wanting to take full responsibility or play down your mistake. Practice telling the truth before hand to assist in avoiding last minute detail scrubbing. If you need help tell a uninvolved but invested person the complete truth for a trial run. If you can't be 100% honest take some time and figure out why and then try again. We all know being drunk is not a valid excuse so be prepared to be asked what the booze, much like a bribed prison guard, set free.

Taking full responsibility for fucking up may at the time feel like eating red hot coals while you're choking on all the snot crying for hours has clogged your head with BUT full disclosure with honest and sincere willingness to own your shit does help.
Really it does. It also helps to know the gawdawfulness is a part of your penance, you did a bad thing and a bit of discomfort on your part helps rebalance the world.

After owning your shit other people can and will offer you compassionate understanding if you are sincerely repentant for being a fucktard.
You might be lucky enough to settle down and watch an episode of BSG together and get a good night kiss.

* I found just saying mea culpa 'my fault' works as a non Catholic but there is a whole wiki on it.

01:32 / 20.10.06

I am a horrible boyfriend.

Withiel: DALI'S ROTTWEILER

09:56 / 20.10.06

Dear Brain,
Next time there is work to be done, could you kindly oblige me by not deciding to have a shitfit of paranoia, self-harm and -hatred? If that would be at all possible in your busy schedule of making me miserable and fucking up my relationship? Thank you ever so bastard fucking much,
Me.

20:42 / 20.10.06

Poor Withiel.

I've just lost a sweet little German enamelling kiln in the last few seconds of an auction on ebay. I think I've been 'bidsniped.' Bollocks.

I don't want to use horrible software to win bids because I think it's nasty and ethically unsound, but if everyone else is then how am I ever going to win anything if I don't join in?

Bollocks again. I so wanted that kiln.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:45 / 20.10.06

I am miserable because my phone bill--in the best of times--never goes above $80. Today is it is $178 because of one thing.

Text-fucking-messaging.

I just got paid and most of it is going towards this.

21:19 / 20.10.06

Why so bad this month/quarter?

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

21:40 / 20.10.06

Who, me?

23:39 / 20.10.06

The bill

13:00 / 21.10.06

I changed my mind again about where it may be appropriate to post this. Maybe it is entirely inappropriate to post this anywhere. But then I just got tired of having to constantly censor myself and am not sure wgy I should have to. I also remembered one of Jack Keroucs rules of spontaneous prose which was this:

24 No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience
language & knowledge.

And I can't argue with that

I was going to post this in the miserable thread but I changed my mind because an out pouring of sympathy is not what I am after and it happens that I don't really know what I am looking for except maybe an opinion or understanding but that this issue is important to me and I want to express that.

This is an expression of what it feels like for me to read this thread. I am not sure if I am psychologically fit to post this, but I am going to take a risk on that because I have faith in my own good intentions:

I was reading the thread in policy about posters with mental health difficulties being problematic and initially I was going to post something along the lines of:

I am not sure that it is acceptable to generalise over what the best interests of someone with a psychological disorder would be and whether deeming someone psychologically unfit to post here would be unduly biased or even predjudiced.

Undemocratic banning due to suspicions of illness would appear to be simply another form of unnecessary social exclusion enacted upon someone suffering mental health difficulties due to the inconvenience they present to the community at large, albeit on a smaller level. I don't beleive this is acceptable in ‘real’ life and I don't beleive it is acceptable here.

But then I changed my mind. I realised I only really felt this way because I know that if I get really sick this is just going to be one more place I'm not allowed to be.
It seems that people like me who have psychological problems aren't welcome here, or anywhere. But now mostly that there are good (or better) reasons for why that is.
Its really hard to live your life amidst the consequences of things you did without a reason or without an explanation and be unable to relate back to them at all, and have to accept that because it is right to take responsibility for your actions.

I feel really sad.
I don't want to burn my suit.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

13:05 / 21.10.06

Don't burn your suit, eird... I could be wrong, but I think you may have misunderstood Ganesh's intentions in that thread.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

13:06 / 21.10.06

The bill

I racked up an unbelievable amount of messages between me and the guy I was seeing. Since he was younger than I, apparently this was an acceptable form of communication as opposed to actually dialing my number and--gasp!--talking.

One month later, no boyfriend, and I'm still paying for it.

Grr.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

13:08 / 21.10.06

No, eird, please don't burn your suit! I think 'Nesh has been appealing all along for more understanding and flexibility, not less.

13:15 / 21.10.06

mmm... I really I don't know exactly what to make of it because a lot of people who posted there contradict themselves or change their minds or posit opposing viewpoints... Or maybe I just don't get it. I thought the general consensus was that psychotic individuals are just too troublesome or too offensive to have around.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

13:25 / 21.10.06

You have to bear in mind that in starting the thread (and in a lot of subsequent comments) Ganesh (and others) were referring to the very specific situation of a poster who is already a candidate for banning due to their behaviour, and whether mental illness should be taken into account in dealing with them in that situation. Not just trying to tell whether posters are mentally unwell and deciding we don't want them around. (It may have been easier to get the context at the time the thread was posted, thinking about it- there was one such situation in full swing at the time, and I think that may have coloured a few responses).

Less searchable M0rd4nt

13:29 / 21.10.06

Well, people in very severe psychotic states might not be able to interact with the board and end up damaging it as a space such that it becomes harder for other people to use. This has happened in the past and we've had to remove posting access.

I think the difference is between a poster who is a functional board member some or most of the time, and a board member who continually disrupts the board and never contributes anything meaningful to it. We've been able to help posters who are subject to states that disrupt their ability to interact to manage those problems. Speaking personally, I can accept being shouted at or antagonised by a poster who I know has psychiatric issues from time to time, as long as I can also see a pattern of meaningful interaction and attempts to build bridges in the wake of inappropriate behaviour.

13:42 / 21.10.06

Crumbs... I need a cup of tea.

And to think about something else for a while.

Thanks A Heart Wreathed in Flame. Thanks Stoat.

14:26 / 21.10.06

eird- I echo what the flaming stoat gestalt being said. I'd hope we are tolerant of episodes of difficult behaviour from a poster, not banning people with psych issues.

13:15 / 23.10.06

Hmm good. Well I guess it is what feels like the inevitability of such an episode which is daunting. Admittedly my intial post about this was overboard but I think that getting freaked out about it has something to do with the language used being a bit severe. Not to mention my utterly oversensitive and narrow frame of interpretation. So embarrassing.

*sigh*

The triteness of it all from Ganesh's (love to Ganesh for starting that thread) point of veiw was bit strange. And the lets not poke ze with sticks analogy, well...

Anyway, in conclusion I understand. Will try to be a bit, well, more sane(?!) in future. Promise.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

17:51 / 25.10.06

I urgently need a decrease in the number of fucking morons mouthing off about MI in my vicinity. (Not you, people in this thread, esp. not eird.) I'm through the blistering rage and into pure misery.

18:53 / 25.10.06

I hear ya. I had just had a talk with a pal about their friend who commited suicide this week. MI is not a suitable topic for running at the mouth about flippantly (again not saying anyone here is doing that at all).

My pal and I were discussing the degree of pain and hopelessness that is required to complete that act. Both of us have spent time in the dark dank hell that fosters that perception enough to feel the immense weight of the thing.

I hear people 'tsk tsk tragic'-ing and I want to grab them by their shoulders and say 'do you see how you are making this harder life for them'? Then apply kicking and smacking to underscore my point.

It's not an afterschool special, it's someone's everyday everynight existence.

19:06 / 25.10.06

The triteness of it all from Ganesh's (love to Ganesh for starting that thread) point of veiw was bit strange. And the lets not poke ze with sticks analogy, well...

Believe you me, I was a little surprised how trite/glib I ended up having to be in that thread. There seemed to be slightly more resistance (to what I thought was the moderately reasonable suggestion that we try to be more aware of possible mental health related stuff underpinning apparently antagonistic behaviour) than I'd been expecting. Also, as has been mentioned, I was in the somewhat tricky situation of trying to deal with generalities, because I didn't want to get into open discussion of a specific poster (who I did feel was attracting a degree of metaphorical stick-poking which was, IMHO, making the situation worse for everyone).

19:18 / 25.10.06

I think it's probably fair to say that the recent posts in the mental illness get closer to what I was hoping to discuss. In retrospect, I think I initially tried to talk about too many disparate elements at once.

03:38 / 26.10.06

I'm not exactly Miserable, but I don't know if we have a Worried & Unsure Quite How To Proceed thread (and I will be somewhat miserable if this turns out badly).

I have a new online friend that I'm very happy about - we met through a mutual appreciation of each other's artwork, and have been corresponding regularly and warmly for several weeks. Today, though, I realized that all this time she has, for whatever reason, mistakenly thought I am female.

The gender mixup doesn't bother me in itself - with my long hair and occasional makeup and skirtage, I've been called "miss" or "ma'am" plenty of times in person (including once by a State Trooper - his embarrassment got me out of a speeding ticket), and it's never been a big deal. My concern is that the revelation will have a negative impact on the relationship. I'm not worried that she'll simply drop me; I give her more credit than that. But I do worry that the sudden shift in her image of me might affect the sense of openness and comradery that has characterized our friendship thus far, that the assumed subtext of our interactions will change in a way that might suggest greater discretion on her part, or something. I guess I'm really not sure quite what I'm worried about, and maybe there's nothing to worry about at all. I do find myself hitting refresh on my email page an awful lot, though, in the meantime.

Anyway, I just wanted to write that out.

12:39 / 26.10.06

Lep, it sucks when people have gender reactions but usually the cool ones will sort themselves out and remember that the person on the other end of that perception is still a person. Hopefully your new pal will judge you by your previous interactions.

It does suck though and I've been on your end of that a few times.

19:48 / 26.10.06

Watching Longford and hearing the Moors Murderers case recapped I'm feeling pretty bad because I'm finding myself thinking of Brady and Hindley as complete and utter monsters, and I don't like to reduce other human beings like that, even the ones that have done very, very horrid things. It's just that since becoming a parent this stuff really gets to me, to the extent that it makes me want to turn off the telly and go for a bracing walk to clean out my head.

It's quite literally painful to hear about, in a way that I couldn't quite imagine before The Boy was born.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

20:54 / 26.10.06

Bobossboy, I think I know exactly what you mean about feeling that way. Having children does that to a person - it makes one realise some reactions are so much more visceral when you become a parent.

I didn't watch that Lord Longford programme; I suspect I'm pretty glad that's the case, as it would probably have made me miserable too.

20:57 / 26.10.06

It's nice to have someone empathise.

I'm really glad they obscured most of the tape. I was dreading having to sit through that.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

22:01 / 26.10.06

I'm really really glad that someone like Lord Longford exists, because if everyone was like me Brady and Hindley would have been kept alive only as long as the blood transfusions and sutures held out. And I don't think that's a good thing.

13:20 / 27.10.06

Yes, that was how I was feeling last night. It was like merging with the Daily Mail or something, a rather awful experience, but kind of enlightening at the same time.

I had a hard time sleeping after watching the show. I kept remembering Andy Serkis's brilliant turn as Brady and that hideous line about "Mummy" and "Daddy".

13:33 / 27.10.06

There's an old Head Shop thread about this:
Won't Somebody Think of the Children?

Started by the Daddy, of course.

13:55 / 27.10.06

While that thread it is full of food for thought, it doesn't really touch on parental terror as a lived experience and it's that that I'm really interested in. Its sheer all-consuming power, and the fact that nothing in my life - even my feelings of protectiveness towards my twin brother - had prepared me for it. It's quite a rush: no wonder the tabloids sell so well.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

14:09 / 27.10.06

I don't think I've ever felt like becoming one with the Mail exactly - more just a sense of quiet, sickened horror and disbelief about what children (and people in general) are sometimes put through, or have done to them.

I forget the title, but there was a film on television recently about the son of one of the founders (I think - later leaders of, certainly) of the Children Of God and how he rebelled against his upringing as chosen future successor to the leadership, first by running away, and then by going in search of his mother to kill her in revenge for the abuse he and his siblings had been put through as a child.

It was horrifying to watch the programme's unfolding litany of appaling abuses the children (and many adults) in the group were subjected to over the years - and it was entirely easy to empathise with his decision (played out and planned on video before he set out) to hunt his mother down. This not being fiction, he managed to kill someone less implicated in the abuse when he couldn't locate his mother, then decided to shoot himself in his car in a lonely spot not far away.

That film made me miserable, on quite a few levels.

While that thread it is full of food for thought, it doesn't really touch on parental terror as a lived experience and it's that that I'm really interested in.

It's a biggie, that one, probably deserving of its own thread.

14:33 / 27.10.06

I don't think I've ever felt like becoming one with the Mail exactly

Well, no, obvs. I was being hyperbolic.

14:45 / 27.10.06

...and disbelief about what children (and people in general) are sometimes put through, or have done to them.

It seems to me that since becoming a dad I'm more sensitive when it comes to horrible things happening to folk in general. Although my feelings about protecting [shrill voice]the children[/shrill voice] have been heightened beyond all recognition.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

15:36 / 27.10.06

Well, no, obvs. I was being hyperbolic.

Oh sure, I never assumed you were actually melding with the Mail. That would be unpleasant.

It seems to me that since becoming a dad I'm more sensitive when it comes to horrible things happening to folk in general. Although my feelings about protecting [shrill voice]the children[/shrill voice] have been heightened beyond all recognition.

I've found that while I was reasonably sensitive to nastiness in general before having children, it was more often an intellectual or social reaction to the wrongness. Now any mention of unpleasantness, especially involving a child, grips the stomach a little more tightly, and with the nagging thought "What if it were either of my children?" sending shivers down my spine. The gut reaction might have faded in intensity the longer I've had to realise that generally they will be OK - but it's still an automatic response.

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