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If Sam and Amanda emerged, bloodied but unbowed, from the BB House with Carole's head on a stick then they would be the fairytale princesses of my hart, for sure.
'We used to like pink, Davina but now ... (worrying, Midwich Cuckoos-esque giggle here, and then, in stereo) We've decided we prefer RED!'
'Ok ... (she gurn at the camera) Well, that was honest. Good! I love it! All right, howsabout the two of you really mess up Brian?'
'Brian?'
'Yes. Brian.'
'Well he's a lovely boy ... but we didn't like him, did we?'
'No we didn't ... He made us look at his ... thingy'
'Amanda fancied him, though'
'Did I fuck ... Sorry, Davina, did I say a bad word?'
'Yes, (the camera recoil in horror) you did! We love it! So,Brian! Kill him, or not?!!'
'Well (pause for upsetting, apparently telepathic communion) We don't know if we'd want to kill him, Davina ...'
'No we're not sure about that ...'
'But he does seem like he's subject to ... urges ...'
'Yes, (with conviction) he does. He made us look at his ... nightmarish oh, I can't even say it ...'
'Well, no.'
'No, Sam?'
'No Amanda. You might have had to deal with Brian's ... love, but it was nothing to do with me. I have a boyfriend.'
'You bitch.'
'You led him on, lady ...'
'I did not ...'
'Yes, you did. You abused that poor lad's burgeoning sexuality ... How many times did he expose himself in front of you?'
'There were a couple of occasions, admittedly ...'
'Well then. He didn't do that in front of me, he didn't do that in front of Zippy, or Kara Louise, or Jonty ...'
'Wait a minute, are you jealous?'
'What, because you've seen Brian's ... As if ...'
'You are, aren't you? Jealous.'
'You're joking. Listen, love, if I'd wanted Brian I could have had him, in two seconds flat.'
'Yeah ... and herein, perhaps, lies the problem.'
'Ooh, I know ... (there are tears, there's a hug)He's horrible ... Let's never fight again'
'No, keep going! Conflict! We love it!!'
'Oh fuck off, you smackhead.'
'Yeah, so what was Eric 'Slowhand' Capton like in the sack in any case?'
'What?'
'Was 'Layla' about you, or was it about somebody else?'
'... That's not a period in my life that I care to talk about ...'
'At least unless someone's paying her ... I don't know, what d'you reckon the going rate is these days, Amanda? A fiver?'
'Well she's not pregnant this series, so I'm thinking maybe fifteen quid? Twenty?'
'I'll have the pair of you know, you little fuckers, that it's actually quite a lot more than that ... Jeremy, to think that we've sponsored these idiots all the way through the series ... Ok, we're going to the ad break ...'
Back from the ads, everyone seems more settled - the show is back on track
'So, (icily) Brian. Who should have won the show, everyone, yes? What would you like to do with him now?'
'Well Davina we're not sure.'
'I bet you aren't, you dismal virgins ... Yes, all right Jeremy, but it's under control ...'
'Is it really? If I was to rack up a line of Charlie right now ...'
'Right. We're going to the ad break, again.'
'I bet she used to say that a lot in the early Nineties. But was it a euphemism for ...'
There is a pause in transmission
'Ok. Now that's all been cleared up with C4 legal, what. Would. You. Like. To. Do. With. Brian?'
'Well ...'
'Just answer the fucking question.'
'Well we will, Davina, if you'd just mellow out a bit.'
'Yeah, just chill. We're only Nineteen.'
'And we like pink!'
'Yes we do! If you wore more pink, Davina, and less black, you might be more of an approachable person ... as it is, you're beginning to frighten us.'
'I ... see.'
'She's gritting her teeth at us, isn't she? She shouldn't be doing that.'
'I agree. We'd much better at presenting this show, wouldn't we? Shall we do one of our dances now?'
'Jeremy, unless I'm allowed to kill at least one of these people, this is never going to end ... Yes, all right we'll go to the ads, but this is the last fucking time ...'
Churchill is always there for you - you could save up to seventy pounds on your car insurance
'Brian, then - I'm warning you, you're on thin ice.
'Ok then. Could we just make it that Brian will always have bad dreams?'
'Yes ... bad dreams ...'
'Well, he's over there! (Cut, to Brian's innocent, grinning face - he's the nation's sweetheart, and is eating a pizza) You decide!'
'Ok then Davina, we've decided!'
'Have you. Finally ... Yes Jeremy, I do understand, I've been working on this show far longer than you have ... (then, more brightly, but it's costing her) And what have you decided, girls!!!? I'm loving this!'
'He'll never smile again, will he, Amanda?'
'No Sam, he won't. Not ever, ever again ...'
'Perhaps nobody will.' |
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