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Von Mises' Apprentice

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14:01 / 25.05.06

Look at the last three people he's fired though;

And

And

How much longer is this board prepared to put up with Sir Doktor Von's openly discriminatory antics?

Whisky Priestess

15:26 / 25.05.06

"Sir" Von, your decisions, as always, are PEERLESSLY SOUND. I am a WORM and need a good CRUSHING.

So I'm going to work for SIR ALAN SUGAR, who, so I hear, LIKES A LADY ABOUT THE PLACE. As long as she's had a HARD CHILDHOOD, which he is happy to complement by giving her an EVEN HARDER ADULTHOOD.

Whisky Priestess

15:14 / 01.06.06

And then there were THREE ...

With respect, SirVon, isn't it time you made Stoat, J-DOG and Haus fight to the DEATH in a bath of FROGSPAWN for the privilege of being your APPRENTICE?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

00:15 / 04.06.06

SirVon?

Joy Division Oven Gloves

15:41 / 04.06.06

Papa.... ?

Regrettable Juvenilia

07:35 / 07.06.06

My APOLOGIES, all of you. However, I have a very good EXPLANATION for my DELAY.

On the evening of 25th May 2006, I visited a GENTLEMEN'S ESTABLISHMENT wherein a MAN may exchange funds for the PRIVILEGE (a wonderful word, how sad that SOCIALISTS try to use it as an insult!) of having a young LADY, possibly an UNDERGRADUATE, GYRATE in one's close proximity wearing VERY LITTLE.

I am old man, from earlier, simpler, BETTER times, times that only seem to be understand these days by SANDI THOM, and so I thought I was behaving perfectly DECENTLY when, during a 'PRIVATE DANCE' which I had paid for with my OWN CASH, I decided to give VON MISES JUNIOR some air, and produced him from my TROUSERS.

Unfortunately my dancer, MYLENE, and her employers, and the other club PATRONS who saw me stumble out into the main bar area with my trousers around my ANKLES, all took a dim VIEW of my BEHAVIOUR.

I tried to explain to them that AT LEAST I was ONLY BEING MYSELF, and that all the so-called 'MEN' in the room who had not EXPOSED themselves were FALSE, TWO-FACED, and FAKE. Unfortunately neither the PRIVATE SECURITY staff nor the POLICE were convinced by my noble RHETORIC, and I was given the COSH several times, repeatedly, IN THE FACE. I was then CUFFED and dragged off to THE CELLS, an INNOCENT punished for CREATIVE EXPRESSION, much in the manner of AVENUE D after that altercation at the KEY CLUB.

It took the best lawyers money could BUY to keep me from returning to PENTONVILLE JAIL (it's very rough), and it took me nearly TWO WEEKS of bed rest to recover. Now however I am RIGHT as RAIN. The next task will follow later TODAY.

Regrettable Juvenilia

07:43 / 07.06.06

And here it is!

This TASK is all about RECRUITMENT. The FOUR remaining candidates (it's a good thing I fired that INNUMERATE PRIESTESS, eh?) must each find one other member of this MESSAGE BOARD who is willing to be RECRUITED to aid their CAMPAIGN.

That new recruit must then post in this thread, NOMINATING their sponsored candidate to be my APPRENTICE. They must begin their post with this SOLEMN VOW:

"I, [USERNAME], swear that I have never met this candidate in the FLESH, and yet I NOMINATE him to become VON MISES' APPRENTICE. His name is [USERNAME], and my reasons are as follows..."

And so ON and so ON.

Get RECRUITING!

Whisky Priestess

11:45 / 08.06.06

"I, [USERNAME], swear that I have never met this candidate in the FLESH, and yet I NOMINATE him to become VON MISES' APPRENTICE. His name is [USERNAME], and my reasons are as follows..."

"Nominate zer", surely?

Regrettable Juvenilia

12:01 / 08.06.06

You will get NONE of that NEEDLESS PC ABUSE of the ENGLISH TONGUE from me! The only abuse of the English tongue that Ludwig Von Mises engages in is that which involves young LADIES I have picked up on COMMERCIAL ROAD.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:07 / 08.06.06

Is it just me, or is SirVon getting progressively, erm, edgier? I don't mind admitting I'm a little scared now.

Regrettable Juvenilia

12:11 / 08.06.06

Do not mistake me for SIR WILLIAM GULL! I mean only the so-called ABUSE which is like unto SELF-ABUSE, only not done by oneself.

I mean, SIRRAH, contact with my BALLBAGS.

Regrettable Juvenilia

12:17 / 08.06.06

Be ASSURED these women are well RENUMERATED for their ENDEAVOURS!

Whisky Priestess

14:52 / 08.06.06

What, you give them different numbers?

16:51 / 10.06.06

I, Jack Denfeld, King of Barbelith swear that I have never met this candidate in the FLESH, and yet I NOMINATE him to become VON MISES' APPRENTICE. His name is Stoatie, Stoats, depending on the time of the month Stoat with extra letters thrown around. And my reasons are as follows...

1. He has a puppy. A man with this kind of heart may balance out your own cold heart and make you see the world anew.

2. He looks intense. In business meetings people will be afraid that he'll pull weapons or puppies out of his big army jacket.

3. He has glasses. Only smart people have glasses.

4. He'll have the King's ear, and might slip me some insider information.

And here is a picture of him! How could he not be your apprentice? He looks like a young you!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

17:01 / 10.06.06

As you can see, SirVon, I go RIGHT TO THE TOP in my recruitment. I am nothing if not AMBITIOUS.

17:10 / 10.06.06

Like other people, I feel as if the threat of yet more time in Pentonville that's been hovering over his poor white head like a long dark shadow has possibly soured the good Herr Doktor's worldview.

He doesn't seem very much like a kindly, fatherly FREE MARKET ECONOMIST now, does he?

Perhaps those of you who are STILL IN THE GAME might want to ask yourselves if you could bear to do even half of the things that the loveable old maniac is, inevitably, going to require of you, once you've signed the contract. And are his plaything.

11:35 / 19.06.06

I, SAX, swear that I have never met this candidate in the FLESH, and yet I NOMINATE him to become VON MISES' APPRENTICE. His name is HAUS, and my reasons are as follows...

1. When I look back on my life I see a beach with my own footprints in the sand. Sometimes there are another set of footprints alongside, sometimes not. I asked Haus what it all meant, and he told me that throughout my life, he had walked with me, offering guidance and protection. But when I queried the single set of footprints, he replied that those were the bleakest, most hopeless moments of my life.
"But where were you then?" I cried.
"In the pub," he answered.
You can't fault honesty like that.

2. He owns a full run of KNIGHTS OF PENDRAGON. Who among us can honestly say that?

3. He went to see Kristin Hersh on her non-Throwing Muses night. That's love. A bigger love than most men can admit to.

4. He knows his football. He's a proper bloke. If he ate more pies, and went to more West Brom matches, he could be the Adrian Chiles of Barbelith.

5. He has the number 23 tattooed on his left testicle.

6. He famously stormed the set of Loose Women wearing a Golden Age Flash outfit, poured porridge over Colleen Nolan's head, and repeatedly screamed: "Comics aren't just for kids anymore!" before being dragged off by four burly security guards and given a right kicking in the green room. The clever bit about it all was, of course, that he really does believe comics are for kids. Makes you think, doesn't it?

7. He was the first person ever on www.barbelith.com. Ever. Before it even existed. He has forethought, my man, and prescience.

8. He never met a man he didn't mutilate.

9. They still talk of his sexual prowess in hushed tones, from Rhyl to Llandudno, following that field trip from Oxbridge Academy.

10. He'd give you his last farthing.

Nothing more to add, m'lud.

Whisky Priestess

13:51 / 19.06.06

Surely current candidates should not be allowed to recruit EACH OTHER, or indeed FORMER POTENTIAL APPRENTICES?

I cry FOUL!

14:02 / 19.06.06

I have never been involved in this popularity contest other than to act as a character witness for Mr Haus.

15:07 / 19.06.06

I feel that as an enterprising young businessman I would be missing a PROFIT-MAKING OPPORTUNITY if I neglected to mention that, as the owner and corporate manager of a long-standing private establishment, my organisation could provide a much more fitting environment for the procurement of certain services by MEN OF CHARACTER than in the bawdy houses and public roads mentioned above. Sir Von Mises, I entreat you, a gentleman of your solid economic credentials deserves a better class of leisure activities, and our prices are nothing if not BRUTALLY COMPETITIVE. Our profession has an illustrious history of taking the freely given fruits of human love and crushing them into PRODUCTS for capitalist exchange. Our establishment is a place where like-minded men may come together in an ORGY OF REIFICATION where everyday human interactions are gloriously ground down by the MILL OF PROGRESS into identical units of anguished monetary value – much like a BANK or one of the other fine financial institutions in the City.

We employ a selection of young men and women of GOOD BREEDING and NEGOTIABLE MORALS, and are most discreet about the “details” of such transactions; we do not believe in restricting our market and as such cater for any manner of “proclivities” our clients present. Also, the good Doctor need not concern himself again with the attentions of law enforcement officers; several high-ranking members of the local constabulary, not to mention influential businessmen and politicians, frequent our premises regularly, and as such it is an excellent location for NETWORKING also. Though we are institution that prides itself on the comfort and security of our patrons, when he eventually decides upon an underling should the good SirVon care to he might wish to leave his clothes and personal valuables with his Apprentice (if they are capable of being trusted that far) while he employs and exploits the services of our staff in one of our luxuriously furnished private rooms - of course, it would still be necessary to levy a CLOAKROOM CHARGE even in this instance.

A full price list is available upon request.

Regrettable Juvenilia

21:50 / 22.06.06

UNDERTOAD and JOY DIVISION OVEN-GLOVES! It is of the highest IMPORTANCE that you find SPONSORS to NOMINATE you in order that I may decide who to FIRE next! SPONSORS! If you are reading this, please RESPOND.

GET IN TOUCH with me the way Russell Brand gets in touch with ex-Libertine Carl Barat of Dirty Pretty Things, only instead of misattributing to me a shred of talent, worshipping me and believing that I have saved Albion from the "chavs" and made it worthy of Blake and Shelley again, simply POST TO THE BOARD!

00:12 / 23.06.06

I am a misguided left wing anarchist (reformed) and have finally been inspired by The Mises to subscribe to the laudable tenets of the free market. I HEREBY OFFER the service of nomination to the candidate willing to pay me in COLD HARD CASH. Put your money where your mouth is or I suspect you will get FIRED.
In my own small way, I aspire to emulate the enterprising young ladies SirVon so generously endows with his custom.

Disco is My Class War

04:09 / 23.06.06

Mein Herr Von Mises,

Please excuse Joy Division Oven-gloves. I am his nominated sponsor, and we were negotiating some kind of FREE EXCHANGE for the privilege, but I was called away on urgant BUSINESS in Thailand involving the continuity of FREE MARKET DEVELOPMENT in South East Asia via athe extension of a helping hand to our dear Caretaker Prime Minister Thaksin in his hour of need. The PINKO COMMIE FASCIST LIBERALS are hot on his tail, demanding his DOUBLE RESIGNATION and holding absurdist vigils in the streets.

Given these obligations, I am not yet able to fulfil my duties as per your instructions and respectfully ask for MORE TIME.

Disco is My Class War

05:36 / 25.06.06

I, MISTER DISCO, swear that I have never met this candidate in the FLESH, and yet I NOMINATE him to become VON MISES' APPRENTICE. His name is JOY DIVISION OVEN-GLOVES and my reasons are as follows:

1. He started his career selling PLASTIC DUCKS at the tender age of two, but graduated at three to the more lucrative endeavour of pimping out his kindergarten companions for CASH. (Yes, they do have kindergarten in the Arctic Circle. The BBC profile is vague on this point, but I have it on good authority.) Such enterprise in the young should be handsomely rewarded.

2. He is single-handedly engineering the CORPORATE TAKEOVER of England by Russia, one over-rated star footballer at a time. Even PETER THE GREAT never dreamed of such a thing.

3. Despite his alias, referencing both the depressing machinic socialist-realist tinkerings of that odd 70's Manchester group AND the servile, emasculating image of OVEN MITTS -- well, perhaps also because of the latter, considering JD's recent advances towards you of a more FAMILIAL NATURE -- he is obviously DESTINED to be your Apprentice, Dr Von. Who else could call you 'Papa' with such pathos? Who else could attend to your every need even as you teach him EVEN BETTER WAYS to LOVE CAPITALISM and USE IT for the more EFFICIENT accrual of WEALTH?

11:39 / 06.07.06

So, what's the state of play here?

The Good Herr Doktor hasn't been 'detained' again, has he?

Regrettable Juvenilia

11:50 / 06.07.06

Certainly NOT! I have been waiting for THE UNDERTOAD's sponsor to make themselves KNOWN. But it has been like waiting for GODOT, or for a decent performance by the ENGLISH FOOTBALL TEAM in a MAJOR INTERNATIONAL TOURNAMENT. And I don't want to WAIT in VAIN.

Therefore, I regret to inform you all that THE UNDERTOAD... is FIRED!

New instructions will come SOON.

00:17 / 31.07.06

Indeed, Dr Von.

But this must be the sort of thing that Pete D's assistants hear about, all the time.

If you are back in Pentonville, well that's all right (you, like Pete, have a supportive audience out here,) but I worry if, whether or not you're inside at the moment, you haven't given yourself up to the needle?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

00:20 / 31.07.06

He did say in his opening post that he was "back on the horse"...

00:50 / 31.07.06

Well, yes.

Very recently, it's been brought to my attention that the great humanitarian Dr Von Mises is running a legitimate business, does a lot of good work for charity, and is no way inclined to dispose of *people* who say otherwise in landfill, I guess.

Also, he respects animals.

But not in 'that way.'

He's also not a fan of 'squealers' apparently, so ... Why's he waving that thing around, unless ... Ok, I have ten seconds ... bye bye, Barbelith.

Bye bye.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

02:15 / 14.08.06

Quite frankly, I am beginning to worry.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

19:49 / 17.09.06

SO WHERE THE FUCK IS VON MISES???

I wouldn't worry yourself, Sirvon. We've probably all got better jobs than you were offering by now anyway.

19:55 / 17.09.06

Is that strictly within the realms of possibilty?

I ask, strictly as an impartial observer.

Regrettable Juvenilia

22:47 / 17.09.06

GOOD NEWS, everybody!

I AM RETURNED. I would apologise for keeping you all waiting, however -

a) you are all WRETCHES when compared to a man such as MYSELF, and therefore do not warrant AN APOLOGY;

b) my ABSENCE from this thread has been due to yet more UNFORESEEN AND DIRE MISFORTUNES that have BEFALLEN me.

It gives me great DISPLEASURE, people of Barbelith, to inform you that I, Von MISES, have recently become the VICTIM - a word I hesitate to use, as it is often employed by those who hold the WHIP HAND in this world but wish to portray themselves as someone IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE and SUPPORT, because they are so MENTALLY WEAK, people like WOMEN, ISLAMISTS, and the GAY HOMELESS - nevertheless, I say, the VICTIM of an unprecendent and most SECRET CAMPAIGN of BACKSTABBING and SINISTER EFFORTS to have me BANNED from this MESSAGE BOARD!

The very THOUGHT!

I trust you are all as HORRIFIED and MORALLY MOVED TO SICK UPON YOUR OWN SHOES as was I when I found this OUT.

Give an old man a MOMENT to CATCH his BREATH, and I will explain further, and also explain how the FINAL TASK in my QUEST to find an APPRENTICE will tie in to my ATTEMPT to CLEAR my GOOD NAME and EXONERATE myself in the eyes of mine ACCUSERS.

One moment, PLEASE.

- VM.

03:56 / 18.09.06

Show me the palookas, boss, what has been messing wit you. I'll dot 'em on the kisser, see?

Whisky Priestess

10:28 / 18.09.06

I have the feeling that this one will run and run ...

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