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ONWARDS we go. These answers are from JOY DIVISION OVEN-GLOVES.
1. What has been the most SIGNIFICANT achievement of your life TO DATE?
In my role as self-appointed retail watchdog, I feel I have achieved much for the cause of local consumers after informing many shopping outlets, in great detail, of the shortcomings in their employees’ customer service skills.
I have lost count of the number of times I have been forced to speak to store owners after a member of their checkout team has invalidated my consumer experience by not affording me the common courtesy of calling me Sir; or slouching in their seat as if they wished to be somewhere other than listening to the many interesting observations I have to make on a variety of subjects including their personal appearance; or becoming positively indifferent when I proffer my phone number and an invitation to dinner later. Many seem not to grasp that in paying them I am entitled to their unconditional gratitude for shopping there.
Sadly, not all have cared to heed my well-intentioned advice and my freedom to shop where I choose has been cruelly curtailed by legal orders banning me from entering branches of several well-known high street chains. I remain unbowed though and once the paint has dried on my placards and I shall return to continue my struggle for decent consumer rights in this country.
2. Name THREE of your HEROES. They may be from HISTORY, FICTION, or even POPULAR CULTURE, but you should also explain why you REVERE them so.
A hero from history
Why, your legacy as the 20th century’s sharpest mind and snappiest dresser speaks for itself.
A hero from popular culture
Your WILL for others to PROFIT from your ACCUMULATED wisdom conquers even death itself. REBRANDED you enter the modern world of celebrity as agony uncle, TAKING OVER with great HOSTILITY a role MONOPOLISED by feminists telling impressionable teens it’s a good thing to have more babies because then they will get bigger council houses.
A hero from fiction
Please don’t mistake me here, I have no doubt of your objective reality and don’t believe for a moment you are the imaginings of some DEMENTED SOCIALIST intent on SUBVERTING the ideals of LIBERTARIAN ECONOMICS. Possibly for entertainment.
No. I refer of course to the DEMAND you are SUPPLYING in my personal psychic narrative as the greatest hero of all, my OEDIPAL FATHER.
3. Is there any POSITION with you consider to be too DEMEANING for a mentor to request his apprenctice to ASSUME in the course of a day’s honest WORK?
Absolutely not. The inculcation of HATRED through HUMILIATION in underlings is essential if they are to move beyond their lowly station and blossom into beautiful flowers of CAPITALIST ENTERPRISE. Whilst lesser skivvies crowd around the water cooler, their spirits broken, discussing VAGUE and ANTI-CAPITALIST notions of FORMING A UNION, the true apprentice quietly embraces the humiliation, swallowing it down, fashioning a bright, gleaming ball of MALICE inside. Weaker emotions extraneous to SOUND BUSINESS PLANNING are slowly burnt away in the fire of internalized rage and the mind focused on the task of rising to a position where they can FUCK WITH UNDERLINGS OF THEIR OWN. Thus the NATURAL cycle of ENTREPRENURIAL SELF-ACTUALISATION begins anew.
4. Describe in detail only the GOOD things that come to mind when I ask you to think about your MOTHER.
My mother was, of course, a wonderful woman and I remember fondly the moments I would spend in her presence as she instructed the nanny on the many important reasons why she was not to be disturbed and that the best way to deal with my chronic bed-wetting was “to rub the little accident’s nose in it until it learns”. And learn I did, a tribute to her firm-but-fair parental delegation skills!
5. FINALLY, of all the WISE things which I, Ludwig Von Mises, have said upon BARBELITH, which is your very favourite, and WHY?
“SUCCUBI can be a terrible danger to the otherwise rational and ordered workings of the MALE MIND. Indeed, such is the insidious lure of womankind that they are able to compel all men (whose minds have not fallen into HOMOSEXUALISM) to commit acts which the PC LESBIAN FEMINISTS WHO RULE OUR LAW COURTS, SCIENCE LABORATORIES and especially ACADEMIC CENTRES OF STUDY then call SEXUAL HARRASSMENT, merely by dressing like COMMON WHORES. Women of the criminal underclasses are particular good at this form of INCITEMENT, as they prefer to do so rather than spend a day in HONEST WORK - as has been observed by my musically talented friend and current penpal, Richard 'Ricky' Wilson of the excellent Kaiser Chiefs.
As you may be aware, at present I am in Pentonville jail, which is very ROUGH. But at least I am safe from such dangers, as it is not a MIXED environment. The closest thing to female company that I have encountered since the beginning of my sentence (2nd February 2006, a BLACK day in the history books in years to come no DOUBT) is a poster of the young actress Katee Sackhoff in her role as Starbuck in TELEVISION'S BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, which I have affixed to the wall above my bunk by means of BLU-TACK.
Nevertheless some nights my sleep is plagued by NIGHTMARISH FANTASIES in which Ms. Sackhoff climbs down from the wall and proceeds to subject me to a series of BRUTAL MINISTRATIONS, while dressed in the uniform of a COMMUNIST COLONEL. She verbally harangues me, tears up my books in front of me, and beats me with a stick. I, Von Mises, am inevitably naked in these nightmares, but for a t-shirt bearing the sign of the DOLLAR.
I hope that by sharing my experiences with you I have provided you with some measure of comfort and wisdom.
Yours from Pentonville,
Von Mises.”
Your example in maintaining correct ideological analyses even in the most trying of circumstances has helped me through many a dark time where I may otherwise have been caught like the proverbial fly in the sticky web of feminist propaganda.
In a world where Political Correctness has gone as mad as a left-handed kipper, the importance of your sustained commitment to common-sense principles is to be admired.
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These are PERHAPS the best ANSWERS so far!
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