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Von Mises' Apprentice

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Regrettable Juvenilia

21:10 / 12.03.06

"I don't like LIARS, I don't like BULLSHITTERS, I don't like SOCIALISTS. This is a three-month JOB INTERVIEW, during which time I expect you to WORK hard in an attempt to EARN my much-desired APPROVAL. One of you is destined to become my APPRENTICE. The rest of you, are going to get FIRED."

Good day to you all!

As you may know, my name is Ludvig Von Mises, theorist of economics without peer, sometime Barbelith agony uncle, and until recently a guest at Her Majesty's Pleasure in Pentonville prison. Now that I have been released back into society, I am keen to get BACK on the HORSE, as they say - the NOBLE HORSE of CAPITALIST ENDEAVOUR.

To aid me in my new business enterprises - the exact nature of which has yet to be determined, but no doubt it will involve a PRODUCT which I will SUPPLY to meet some DEMAND - I will require an assistant, an underling, an APPRENTICE. The exact nature of this role has yet to be determined, and will no doubt reflect the SKILLS, gender, and MEASUREMENTS on the successful candidate. Rest assured, however, that the chosen individual will not merely be an EMPLOYEE. They will also be a pupil, an acolyte whom I will TUTOR in the righteous ways of FREE TRADE, in order that future generations may be saved from the POX of SOCIALISM.

Members of this board can sign up to take part by posting in this thread. Feel free to post a PHOTOGRAPH or PORTRAIT of yourself, if you believe this will help your cause. It's possible that it may do, after all, I am an old man, and my head is easily turned by a pretty ANKLE.

I will then select 12 candidates, who will compete to win an internship under my tutelage. Each week, and sometimes more than once a week, I will set you TASKS, which will test your MENTAL PROWESS, BUSINESS ACUMEN, and general all-round suitability for the job. I may divide the candidates up into TEAMS for some of the duration, teams which I will then re-arrange in an arbitrary fashion. I haven't really decided yet.

May the best man, or most fetching lady, WIN!

Von Mises.

Bubblegum Death

21:15 / 12.03.06

Please, sir! Choose me!

It's my fondest desire out of life to beat back the socialist hordes that threaten our great economy!

I'll even borrow some of my mum's capri pants if you'd like to see my ankles, sir!

21:49 / 12.03.06

I accept your challenge.
I will try to take time out from causing wars in weaker nation states in order to learn from the master. (Unless I get a really big weapons order...then I will judge for myself where lies my best profit.)

21:56 / 12.03.06

Dear 'Sirvon' (as I'm sure you'll soon be known to all the poor, broken-down VICTIMS of THE STATE and all it's iniquities - you are a hero, you are my hero, I would buy your anti-wrinkle products and stereo *music* systems even if I knew, for a fact, that they were a terrible lot of nonsense. Which is more than I can say for some people, eh professor!11!)

I am a person with ideas. I am a team player, and also a humanitarian, I want everybody else in the world to be as successful as I am, at least up until the point where THEY REPRESENT A DIRECT THREAT TO MY DOMINANCE OF ALL I SURVEY, at which point it's tempting to just go to the pub.

Tempting, god it's often tempting, but I resist!

Also, I think there's an 'age-ist' tendency in business these days - As a fellow contoversial pensioner who's 'done some bird' with insalabrious characters, I feel it's beholden on you to give me a break.

Goodness Gracious Meme

22:10 / 12.03.06

There can be only one choice:

BOBOSSINO.

You know it makes sense.

As a wise man once said:

Give me a boy for the first seven years, and I will have him for life

22:17 / 12.03.06

Take my son and mould him into a man.

ONLY NICE THINGS

22:29 / 12.03.06

Doktor von Mises, the last thing you want to be doing right now is getting back on the horse. That'll see you back in chokey in no time.

23:15 / 12.03.06

I DEFY you, your evil-smelling empire, and your THIEVING ways.

When the REVOLUTION comes, you will be FIRST against the WALL

[lee perry] ...and you won't like that [/lee perry]

Bubblegum Death

23:21 / 12.03.06

Look, sir! It's one of THEM! Shall I smite him,sir?
Please?

06:33 / 13.03.06

I piss on your competition, Von Mises. The True Overman needs no assistance from so-called masters, nor does he feel the need to demean himself by taking part in a ludicrous 'competition' with his knuckle-dragging inferiors. Never forget, you draw breath to recite your laughable monetarist dogmas merely at my whim.

I take my leave of you now. When the time comes for you to kneel at my feet and surrender the pathetic, shattered remnants of your so-called 'empire' unto me, I shall be in the mountains, meditating on the savage beauty of nature, and feeling a vague craving for a Toblerone.

Regrettable Juvenilia

07:54 / 13.03.06

A note:

I hope I have made it quite CLEAR to all of you in my opening ADDRESS, that I will take any post made in this thread as an indication that you wish to PARTICIPATE.

Boboss, it warms an old man's heart to see a new generation of fathers who are willing to FLOUT the TYRANNICAL child labour laws of this country. If small children want to work down a mine, in a cotton factory or up chimneys, then who are we adults to stop them? It is TANTAMOUNT to FASCISM.

However, while your son is too young to use a keyboard, I would appreciate it if you would act as his SURROGATE in this contest.

Regards,

VM.

09:38 / 13.03.06

I apologise Von Mises, his mother doesn't approve.

I suspect she may be a COMMUNIST. I must consider my options.

Gendudehashadenough

00:33 / 14.03.06

Accepting resumes, I hope. You wouldn't want some fiend for the column coming in a gluing up your not-yet-laid-plans. Keeping that in mind...I don't have a resume, so I'll just spit at the computer and hope you can collect some of the DNA residue that's left for background check purposes, narc.

Have a nice night.

Tryphena Absent

14:02 / 15.03.06

Dear Von Mises,

At the age of 7 I started to sell "fresh" lemonade, I sold this innovative product by the side of the road, mixed in a great big tub. My "fresh lemonade" generally consisted of 1 lemon, cheap sugar and tap water.

The business grew. Soon I had the market cornered and at the age of 9 and a half I expanded into a variety of different juices by filching fruit from people's gardens and when out of season I started to use the discarded products from local supermarkets.

At the age of 14 I sold my company for 500 DOLLARS.

Then I lost my money on the stock market.

EMPLOY ME. I BELIEVE IN FREE TRADE.

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:14 / 15.03.06

TWO more places remain! Please do not all SHOUT at ONCE.

Joy Division Oven Gloves

16:26 / 15.03.06

Dear von Mises

I wish to purchase your apprentice position and SAVE you the trouble of SPENDING your time on a contest. I am prepared to offer a 49% share of Frank Lampard and your choice of one my yachts (this would not include the flame decorated jetskis because riding these makes me look really cool, da?).

Sadly my ankles are covered in the same perma-stubble as my face but I am told many of my oil workers have pretty wives. I am sure no court in the Motherland would contest my proprietorial claim to my employees or their families and I'm sure my good friend Vladimir will put in a helpful word on my behalf. Ah...what a country.

yours inspired

Roman

Regrettable Juvenilia

15:01 / 17.03.06

One place remains! I am DISAPPOINTED at the lack of INTEREST in this PROJECT! Perhaps some of the WOMEN of Barbelith would like to take part - that is, if they are not too BUSY having ABORTIONS.

14:33 / 18.03.06

I'm not a woman, but I am willing to get hair EXTENSIONS and breast IMPLANTS in order to make more MONEY. I am a great admirer of the capitalist spirit of DANCERS, you see.

16:59 / 18.03.06

Mises, greetings.

I know that I am too late as 12 people have already been chosen to compete for the internship. However, I am a feisty young businesswoman and I DEMAND that a place be made available to me. I am less than usually accustomed to taking no for an answer and I assure you I will be an asset to your team when I sweep to my eventual victory.

Best,

Vincennes.

Whisky Priestess

17:08 / 18.03.06

Dear Sir Von,

I am a FEISTY young filly, well schooled in the twin arts of CAPITALISM and LOVE, and am prepared to strip down to my FLIMSY UNDERTHINGS and wrestle "Miss" Jack for the last place as your potential Apprentice. Alternatively I shall FLING myself at your wise feet as your Thirteenth Disciple, although I undertake not to be a JUDAS unless the occasion demands it.

Pick me, Sir Von!

Whisky Priestess (no relation)

Regrettable Juvenilia

20:35 / 18.03.06

REGISTRATION is now over!

And you will be pleased to know that I, Von Mises, have decided that on balance, I can accept FOURTEEN candidates. After all, I'm going to start FIRING THE FUCK out of you very soon, and that will no doubt WHITTLE DOWN the numbers.

I have divided the fourteen of you into TWO teams, using a very SCIENTIFIC method known as "EENIE, MEANIE, MINIE, MOE". They are as follows:

TEAM 1:

Alex's Grandma
fred, encore
Haus
Joy Division oven-gloves
Nina Skryty
The Undertoad
Wombat

TEAM 2:

Boboss(ino)
Goodness Gracious Meme
Jack Vincennes
Manny Being Manny
Qward
velvetvandal
Whisky Priestess

Could I ask each team to decide on a NAME for their team - you can discuss it here in this thread or by PM. This process of choosing a name will be your only group activity for now, as the first TASK is to performed SOLO.

TASK THE FIRST

The first task is very simple. As you may know, I LOVE CAPITALISM - and it is a requirment of my future APPRENTICE that he (or she, I suppose, hypothetically) also LOVES CAPITALISM, and can DEMONSTRATE that fact.

You must therefore compose a POEM showing your appreciation of CAPITALISM. You must then post this poem in the Daily Poetry thread, before midnight, Barbelith time, on Wednesday 22nd March 2006.

The TWO candidates who publish the most jaw-droppingly awful pieces of doggerel, will find themselves FIRED without MERCY.

Let the games begin!

VM.

Tryphena Absent

21:08 / 18.03.06

I think we should call our team The A Team. This is because they were strong, creative, dynamic, happy to ignore foolish orders to gain more capital. All of the things we would want to potentially be as a team.

Also as true capitalists we must be prepared to steal and plagiarise in the name of free trade.

22:49 / 18.03.06

23:01 / 18.03.06

YES!!! Perfect casting.

Whisky Priestess

23:18 / 18.03.06

Will someone please post a pic of the MAGNIFICENT SEVEN with our team's names on it? (Bagsy Lee Marvin). I cannot peform this GRAPHIC DESIGN FEAT myself but I am feeling that our team is lagging behind in the BONDING stakes.

PS I think MY, I mean OUR team should be called the Magnificent Seven, or perhaps the Seven Samurai, depending on the Ninja/Pirate ratio within said team. (I am a PIRATE, and PROUD).

Joy Division Oven Gloves

23:35 / 18.03.06

Am queasy about adopting the name of a group which regularly organised Latin American peasants against legitimate business cartels. Usually for free (though one often smelt the stench of Moscow gold in there somewhere).

If we must ape these fifth columnists, can I at least be The Van?

Tryphena Absent

23:50 / 18.03.06

Legitimate business cartels steal the PROFITS that we make and are SOCIALISTS because cartel means group or collective and freetrade is about working to your own advantage. We are not here to support each other or live by the rules of an organisation. We are here to make money and if that means employing peasants for less than the minimum wage to gain an advantage then that is what we must do. Using other people's money to do so especially the money of foolish and naive Eastern Europeans is even better.

00:20 / 19.03.06

Joy Division Oven Gloves

00:26 / 19.03.06

You'd pay your peasants wages??

Tryphena Absent

00:31 / 19.03.06

I'm not a SOCIALIST with ETHICS. If they won't work for free I suppose I could shoot one of them and INTIMIDATE the rest but it may be more EFFICIENT to pay them $$$$$$.

Joy Division Oven Gloves

01:12 / 19.03.06

Mmm.. yes, efficiency would be an issue. Sometimes my thinking around this is a little feudal, but hey, just call me Old Skool.

Fred, the picture. Be assured if I had a heart, it would be touched. I am however experiencing a certain inner glow seeing one of my competitors demonstrate the weakness of compassion so early in the competition.

Goodness Gracious Meme

22:11 / 19.03.06

(bah, sorry, but I don't actually want to play. Sorry, again)

Tryphena Absent

22:26 / 19.03.06

GGM is a SOCIALIST.

Bubblegum Death

22:33 / 19.03.06

Capitalists: ATTACK!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:57 / 19.03.06

Sorry if this is offering AID or otherwise HINDERING FREE TRADE, but...

...did the A Team ever actually EXACT PAYMENT?

I mean, like, ever?

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