What really struck me about the discussion on the blog following the article posted above, was how easily I've let the questioning of women's own experiences slip into my own mode of thought. And also, how I never realized the amount of precautions a lot of women are forced to take because of real threats being more aimed at them just for being women.
Questioning myself, I've found that, yes I've been guilty on all counts of dismissive/patronizing behavior towards women, and have been quietly downplaying the fear or hypervigilance that bothers a lot of women. While I knew this on some level to be true, the point really struck home for me when this female-identified person called Thorn posted:
Chris, thank you so much. In particular, for this line:
"If no woman in your life has ever talked to you about how she lives her life with an undercurrent of fear of men, consider the possibility that it may be because she sees you as one of those men she cannot really trust."
This is so very, very true. The more often I try to explain or describe my experiences as a woman to men in my life and get dismissed, second-guessed or otherwise denied that what I’m saying is true, the less likely I am to mention it in front of men again. When women talk about that kind of thing, I’ll bring it up, but with men? The steady application of, “Maybe you’re just being oversensitive/paranoid” has taught me that no, most men in my life, even many who love me, do not consider me enough of a human being to keep a reliable and accurate record of my own experience.
To Mike: Absolutely. Yes. ALL women. ALL. Not a few, not some, not most. ALL women live with the tales of harassment, assault, rape and murder endured by women we have known, echoing in our ears. For some of us, those echoes are deafening, magnified by the harassments, assaults and/or rapes we ourselves have endured.
Because of those echoes, we take precautions you probably never once in your life considered taking. Here are some examples:
- I never get into my car after dark without first checking to make sure the back seat is empty.
- If I am walking alone after dark, I never listen to my headphones. (Though, when I used to ride the bus, I would leave them in and only turn on my CD player once I was actually on the bus. If I lived in a larger city I probably not even do that, though.)
- When walking alone at night, I do my best to keep my hands free, and preferably have something I can use as a weapon in one.
- When I’m carrying my groceries into my apartment after dark, I am aware of what I am carrying in which hand - a single heavy item goes into my dominant hand (a gallon of milk, a plastic bag of canned foods), the other hand is ready to drop whatever it is holding so I can run.
- If I go to investigate a strange noise in my apartment at night, I grab a heavy object in one hand, and a can of some kind (any kind!) of spray in the other. Alternatively, I punch in the numbers “911″ on my cordless phone and investigate with my thumb over the “on” button.
I have never been raped. I have never been assaulted. I have never received a threatening letter, phone call or email.
On the other hand, I have been briefly stalked by an ex-boyfriend. I have been groped by more than one stranger, and by one friend of my father’s. I have been cat-called and name-called on the street.
Compared to too many women I know, I’ve got nothing to complain about. And yet I remain, and will likely remain for the rest of my life, hypervigilant.
The list of precautions sounds very strange to my ears. I realize I don't very often, if at all have, this kind of sense of threat or fear. And it's probably simply because I'm a male. Now, things may be different in the Netherlands compared to America as far as gender-related crime goes, but I suspect a lot of women would tell me the same thing here. This might come as a very poor and late realization and it's probably babysteps to most of the people who know more and have experienced first hand the kind of inequal treatment and have fear imposed on them. Still, reading a lot of the comments on the blog and here on Barbelith have begun to put holes in walls I never realized were so high inside my mind. Firstly, I was shocked to recognize quite a few parts of myself as fitting the dreaded "Nice Guy"-profile. Second, the knowledge of my own wrong-doings in the past has begun to be seen in new light. When I think of the way I treated my ex*, downplaying her honest problems and superimposing on them my own desire and pettiness, it's shameful, utterly shameful. Third: seeing this, the way all women are subject to a fear, or a constant danger (perceived and real), it has me questioning a lot of my own behaviour. I do not wish to frighten someone merely by walking behind them late at night, but if I question their experience of being frightened as well, it doubles the hurt.
Feel free to yell at me if I am stilling missing the point. I used to be scared to post in this thread, but I know I have to face up to my own negative way of thinking and acting which isn't going to end if I keep avoiding conflict and critical response.
*note that it was mentioned here before that the possessive "my" can be an ugly and demeaning way to refer to a person but I can't find a better word ATM. |
