i would warn you of taking my anecdote as anything other than an illumination of a possibilty.
...a possibility which, note, would serve the very ego-gratifying task of letting FWP off the hook by, again, making her the primary culprit. In my own life, I try to be very aware of my own ego's wiliness in latching onto these very reasonable but ultimately self-serving arguments.
FWP, despite all the caveats, your response still indicates a desire, to me, to make her into a kind of evil temptress against whom you have no powers of refusal. I accept that we all, men and women alike, may want to absolve ourselves in this way for situations that are causing us pain and where we find ourselves, against our better judgment, doing that which we want not to do. To wit:
I understand that it's not her fault if people keep falling for her but in my case at least she was doing things which encouraged it; my roommates at the time were astonished when I told them she had a boyfriend. I don't think she was cynically manipulating me for attention but unless she is incredibly bad at reading people (she's not, she's actually quite good) then she had at least some idea of how I felt and continued to do things to encourage it.
Your roommates were "astonished" that she had a boyfriend, but you knew, right? And you were apparently bothered by the fact at the time, but said nothing? You did not, say, try to open a conversation about precisely what kind of relationship she has with that other guy, to see if having other 'friendships with benefits' is a norm for her and him? You didn't seem to directly and unambiguously sit her down and let her know where you were, how you were feeling? She's a "good reader"--"intuitive female"?--and should have just "known"?
Are you sure you're not expecting her, as a 'good' woman to be more attentive to your "needs" than to her own desires and interests?
I realize I'm also assuming you did not feel physically threatened by her, as would be true in a potential rape case--or at least you have not suggested that was true, here. (If you do feel physically threatened by her in some way I can understand that it might be difficult to admit, given gender norms.)
So, with the caveat that of course you may not be giving us the whole picture even of your own actions, from what I am reading here, you apparently continued to deliberately take part in the infamous aggressive spooning and sinister hand holding, and other actions that to you are unambiguously "come hither" signals, because you feel powerless in your attraction to her, not because you are fearful of her ability to physically overwhelm you, to blackmail you, or to directly harm you in some way. Is that fair?
I hate to say it, but, despite all your caveats, it sounds like you still want to see her as a "cock tease," so that you don't have to face the fact that you are feeling powerless around her because of the immensity of your physical attraction to her, the immensity of your emotions. That immensity is scary, but it's not the same as being threatened by someone as in rape cases.
It would not be fair to her to let her move into you when you are in this condition. |
