Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Evil Scientist Rules Teh World!

Page: 1 2(3)4 5 6 7

toughest, fastest, fatest

13:04 / 16.11.05

I'll be Captain of Catspaws and Utillizer of Utillity Fog.

14:49 / 16.11.05

A criminal mastermind with ULTIMATE POWER needs no goons... In fact, he-she needs not to take over the world to begin with, dontcha ya think...

Anyway, can I have Rio de Janeiro too, i wanto t use the place as a nuke test site and human in vivo genetics experiments

10:33 / 17.11.05

"Quantum, I'm bored. What plaything can you offer me today?"
"An obscure body in the S-K system your Majesty. The inhabitants refer to it as the planet...Earth."
"How peaceful it looks..."

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

15:25 / 18.11.05

My lord Evil Scientist, I have here a stone tablet, some thirty miles long, on which Great Dread Cthulhu has inscribed its mark. To look upon it is to look into the depths of madness, for its mosaic scroll and macabre, and most squamous, of penmanship. So madenning is this sign that to gaze upon is to be docked 1d30/1d100 SAN.

BEWARE!

However, I am sure that such a great and powerful leader as yourself should have no fear of harm.

20:12 / 18.11.05

This is silly. Evil scientists never rule the world. They're either defeated or work for someone in power. Evil Scientist, you can be my Evil Scientist. You work for me and I'll buy ya an ice cream and give you Whales.

20:34 / 18.11.05

I have a friend who is going to take over the world and he's not going to fuck with the coffee.

20:36 / 18.11.05

Everyone seem to be giving Whales away. What's wrong with that place?

Can I Have Antartica? This way, I can thaw it completely and become the happy owner of the only not-flooded or over-populated Continent of the Planet

"Infect the Planet" is my motto

20:39 / 18.11.05

Can I be in charge of the torture?

20:55 / 18.11.05

However, I am sure that such a great and powerful leader as yourself should have no fear of harm.

Not whilst Plan A is in place anyway. The big auld squid steps out of line, Mecha-Phox and Galacta-Quantum rough him up with Pym-particle enlarged baseball bats.

Evil scientists never rule the world.

Things change.

Can I be in charge of the torture?

We do not torture in the new regime. We simply use microwave emissions and "re-education" techniques to bring people round to my point of view. But you can be in charge of the Happy Camps if you like? How are you at balloon animals?

21:20 / 18.11.05

No. No. No. How can you claim to be an evil scientist if you say no to torture. You're not evil. I Doubt you're even a scientist. J'accuse!

Im so much more eviler that you!

21:27 / 18.11.05

Torture? Real evil dictators don't use torture, they use intelligence gathering techniques, compatible with the exigencies of freedom, that may or may not include physical ingress by wattage-augmented appliances to evacuatory orificies.
In much the same way that they don't melt the skin, bones and organs of civilians with phosporous, they illuminate the area with satisfactory yet necessarily uncalculated collateral casulaties.
Hmm. Can I get a job in the imperial press office?

21:43 / 18.11.05

How can you claim to be an evil scientist if you say no to torture?

Because I say yes to Immortality Serums, Galactus-sized Quantum, and brainwashing.

Ah gwan, rough em up a bit then.

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

01:21 / 19.11.05

Not to mention proper supplication of the Great Old Ones.

04:22 / 19.11.05

[quote] This is silly. Evil scientists never rule the world. They're either defeated or work for someone in power. Evil Scientist, you can be my Evil Scientist. You work for me and I'll buy ya an ice cream and give you Whales. [/quote]

Yea! He returns.

12:35 / 26.11.05

Oh Evil One, the Weather Control Device is finally ready! They'll blame climate change or deny it's happening, the perfect weapon! The only downside is that it's derived from an evil plan by the villain in the Avengers movie (Sean Connery I believe, Bond turned mad scientist- huzzah!) in which his sidekicks are all forced to wear Teddy Bear costumes in primary colours. I trust this will not be the case in your enlightened rule, as a Galactus-sized Teddy Bear suit might provoke the Furry community to join the rebellion, and yea verily they are terrible indeed, fell folk of fur and fang.

12:56 / 06.04.06

Teh Evil Scientist Manifesto, a document for our time.

"You’d be amazed how many wholesome academics consider themselves "evil" because they sleep with their students or falsify data. This is not what we are talking about."

"Research that focuses on removing death, altering life or destroying the nature of the individual are a few examples. It’s is going to be hard to convince anyone that studying vesicle traffic is really all that evil. If people are going to recoil at your approach anyway, why pull any punches here?

Second, and probably most important, the evil scientist’s methods have to incredibly unwholesome. Lots of torture and a general sense of mental and physical sadism are really critical. There should also be a very real element of danger to one’s work. Working with a reactor that could go supercritical and vaporize a nearby town is clearly irresponsible, just what we are after. In general go for any techniques that are going to fall under the title of unethical and you will be fine.

Finally, the results of one’s work need to have dangerous implications. These can be directly physical as in the case of a killer robot or death ray. However, they can also be threats to the established social order. Developing a new highly addictive drug that teenagers are robbing their parents to get may not cause as much demonstrable destruction as a Doomsday Bomb; however, it’s social impact might be just as massive. It is also usually a good idea to ensure that these implications will be beneficial to the scientist. (And revenge on the society that ostracized him is a perfectly legitimate benefit.)"

Genius.

13:40 / 06.04.06

Check out the Evil Science University, offering all kinds of courses including Evil Gender Studies-

Recent Advanced Courses:

Intimidating Psychobabble (GS264) – Sick and tired of some pea-brained moron dominating the dinner conversation because they can drop the names of French post-modern thinkers? Well, fear no more. This course is designed to enable even the most limited evil scientist dazzle pretentious people who wear a lot of black.

Advanced Objectification (GS403) – Back when you were in high school it was easy. Anyone you stared at earnestly would probably suffer a severe ego crisis. Unfortunately, as people age and mature they develop all manner of ego-defense strategies. This courses aims to teach students how to disarm just about anyone and make everyone feel like an insignificant worm when they are in your presence (and for some time afterward).

13:43 / 06.04.06

Evil Physics

"In the final analysis, nothing says evil like a massive particle beam poised to destroy the earth."

13:49 / 06.04.06

When you get home tonight Quantum there'll be another storey on your house.

It's like someone cracked open my brain and fried up a big evil-scientist omlette!

13:52 / 06.04.06

I need to sign up for the Evil Biology courses. My zombie experiments have been getting a little stale recently (well I do leave them in unrefridgerated areas).

Recent Advanced Courses

Comparative Vertebrate Reanimation (BI455) – With the resources in the new Reanimation Center, we are able to offers more advanced reanimation courses than ever before. This course focuses on the relative benefits and difficulties of reanimating the remains of various vertebrates. Animals as large as mastodons have been reanimated in recent offerings. Students interested in zombie jellyfish should enroll in the comparable invertebrate course (BI456).

Neurocybernetics (BI326) – It is becoming increasingly popular for evil scientists to augment their bodies and brains, as well as those of their minions, with mechanical and electronic apparatuses. In order to stay competitive, our students will have to understand this technology. As a final project every student must replace one of their own organs with a bionic version.

15:29 / 06.04.06

Some good advice on fortress design and long term empire security are to be found at this site.

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

Spyder Todd 2008

15:41 / 06.04.06

Dear Evil Scientist, our Eternal Lord and Master,

Having recently reviewed your current employment roster, I have noticed one job in particular that is glaringly unfulfilled. A job that, for any evil overlord, is of the highest importance. That job is Minister of Internal Defense and External Subversion.(MIDEAS) Strictly speaking, this office supervises all manner of threats, both external and internal, and then DEALS with them. With extreme prejudice.

I humbly beseech you, lord. I would be perfect for this position. I'm paranoid, dangerous, and have no problem butchering whole civilizations if they do not offer you tribute. I have already identified several individuals- some party members, some counter-revolutionaries- who need investigating. Seldom Killer and Dead Megatron, while party members, hold ambitions for overthrow, my lord. They must be... observed. To prove their loyalty.

There are rebels my lord, though you know that of course. With my department working with Comrade Quantum's, we could remove Archabyss once and for all. We could precisely destroy people like fuckbaked, who would dare even question your powers. Von Kobra’s disappearance is troubling. He has intentions to take over. And there are rumors. Rumors of a messiah for the rebels. I won't name names here, lordship but... "Dack Jenfeld", if he exists, must be removed.

I will obliterate the enemy for you, sir. I will be your answer to the SS, the FBI, the CIA, and MI-5, all rolled into one. Investigate. Sanitize. End of discussion.

Evil Scientist Prevails.

15:56 / 06.04.06

If you're looking for a Director of Communications and Strategy I believe Alistair Campbell is currently between jobs and has excellent credentials.

17:03 / 06.04.06

@ Spyder-o-rama-banana nana nophie- you are an agent of SOCA and I claim my five pounds!

A friend and I once devised a questionnaire that I must dig out called 'Calculate your P.E.L.D!*', a cosmo-style quiz for the demented doctors amongst us to highlight any potentially disturbing social handicaps that may hinder The Work.

Let's recreate it here- I'll start! Add a question every time you post, best contribution gets Tasmania when Teh Evil One rools.

1. How large is your electricity bill?

a) Huge
b) Enormous
c) Equivalent to the GNP of Belgium
d) I generate my own power using GARGANTUAN MUTANT HAMSTERS with dynamos attached to their huge wheels and only pay for sacks of plutonium-enriched hamster feed

2. How do you pay your staff?

a) Badly
b) In Denarii or Groats or any worthless currency, the monkeys never notice
c) Pay? Grigor does not ask for money if he knows what is good for him
d) I have the Behavioural Engineering Guaranteed Obedience Obligation Device (BEGOOD) to provide free labour

3. Where do you live?

a) In a crumbling gothic castle in the remote mountains of Romania
b) In a cloud-generating Zeppelin keeping on the move to avoid capture, like an airborn L. Ron Hubbard
c) In a secret dungeon underneath a semi-detached family home near Milton Keynes
d) In a tesseract in Dimension X

(mostly a- must try harder,
b- in little danger
c- reign in your paranoia a little
d- the peasants/FBI/aliens are probably at your door as you read this...)

*PELD= Potential Effect on Local Demographics

Spyder Todd 2008

17:18 / 06.04.06

Okay, so I may have some past experience in the intelligence industry and in destroying anyone in my way. But Q, I’m sure our departments can work well together. After all, with those incredible devices you’ve been producing, there’s absolutely no reason why I would need to investigate you, is there?

4. Who is your greatest hero?

a) Count Chocula, scourge of the breakfast cereals
b) Skeletor, would-be Master of Eternia
c) General Zod, Despot Military Revolutionary of Krypton
d) Darkseid, God-Emperor of Existence, Destroyer of Hope, Wielder of the Anti-Life Equation

18:01 / 06.04.06

I have nothing to hide Kommander Spyder, my loyalty to Evil is unquestionable. Come, investigate my BEGOOD machine in more detail... I have these brainslugs I've been working on you might like as pacification devices, and have made a breakthrough with The Hypnotoad-

OBEY TEH EVILSCIENTIST! OBEY TEH HYPNOTOAD! BEGOOD!

4. Your pets are...

a) Enormous
b) Exotic
c) Deadly
d) They are not my pets, they are my children...

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

18:13 / 06.04.06

All glory to the HYPNOTOAD!

Lord Evil Scientist, as your minister of Mythos Relations, I bring good news from the Great Old Ones! They say the stars are right for YOU to have a discount shopping spree at the R'lyeh Maxi-Megalomart!

I invite Komrade Kommissar Spyder to investigate my modest citadel built around the remains of the CN Tower. My loyalty to you, Great Overlord, is unquestionable. I would kill my own men in your name, just to prove my loyalty.

Also, I've been taking extra credit night courses at Evil University. Such as:

Recent Advanced Courses

I saw Santa stabbing mommy underneath the Christmas tree last night (MS463) – Youth is the key in our business. One of our graduates now happily running a tobacco company once said that future growth depends on capturing the seven to eleven year old market. We agree. If you get them early enough you can teach a child anything you want. Of course it’s all right for people in masks to kidnap your parents, it’s just like your video game.

Dumbing Down (MS337) – This course reminds us what we already know. Most people are stupid and the people who aren’t stupid are mostly lazy. Why read a book that requires some effort when a magazine is available. Both are written with words, and the latter prints all the important ones in bold. All students will undertake a project in which they encourage a target audience to think less and consume more.

18:18 / 06.04.06

Ha! And Double Ha!

We Rebels are still here and will continue to work against this dartardly plan for world domination.

I laugh at your puny attempts to quash the rebel army!

Your Sincerely
archabyss
Leader of the Rebel Army

All post should be directed to the Hidden Barbelith Forum.

Spyder Todd 2008

18:33 / 06.04.06

Komrade Bard, I will be more than happy to inspect your facilities once I have finished with Komrade Quantum’s Lab. This is nearly completed, and I must say, I am suitably impressed. Quantum, perhaps my department could arrange to use your hypnotoad experiments to undermine the rebels?

18:40 / 06.04.06

Questions, Bard, Questions- like this

5. Your Good Nemesis is...

a) Prof. Egon Spengler

b) Reed Richards

c) 'Doc' Emmett Brown

d) I erased my good nemesis by travelling back in time and murdering his grandmother

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

18:48 / 06.04.06

6. If you were a beautiful flower, what would you be?

a) A rose, who's stinging stinging thorns rip forth the heart's blood of my fo...errr...
b) Fox's Glove, because they're syrupy sweet and...why is my heart beating so funny...and why does my left arm hurt...
c) Belladonna, makes your eyes look lovely AND kills your foes
d) None, I crushed the flowers, a true evil genius stomps upon the pretty little plants with his BOOTS OF IRON!

7. Of the great historical figures, I most identify with...

a) Napoleon, self crowned Emperor of France
b) Emperor Norton, self crowned Emperor of America
c) Agamemnon, self procalaimed King of Kings
d) Myself, I try to live up to the example that I will set in the future when I build a time machine to travel into the past and set an example for myself in the future

08:27 / 07.04.06

That job is Minister of Internal Defense and External Subversion.(MIDEAS) Strictly speaking, this office supervises all manner of threats, both external and internal, and then DEALS with them. With extreme prejudice.

Sounds good to me.

Who knows what treason lurks in the hearts of men?

The Spyder do!

Rumors of a messiah for the rebels. I won't name names here, lordship but... "Dack Jenfeld", if he exists, must be removed.

He is but a phantom, a myth, a meme I've infected the rebels with to give them hope. Why would I want to give them hope?

Because it makes crushing their puny spirits all the more satisfying!

I believe Alistair Campbell is currently between jobs and has excellent credentials.

You dare invoke the name of the Arch-Fiend? You are brave indeed Enrieb. Join with me, and I shall give you...ooh...lets say...Dublin!

d) Myself, I try to live up to the example that I will set in the future when I build a time machine to travel into the past and set an example for myself in the future

I just choked on my coffee laughing. Minions! He is trying to kill me! Purge the Denfield-ite! Purge him gooood!

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

15:30 / 07.04.06

...so I'm a Denfield-ite now, am I? Does this unfortunate position come with some sort of ray gun and a light sabre? If not, sod it. I don't want it. I'd much rather have my citadel and my portal into the Outer Dark.

Spyder Todd 2008

19:18 / 07.04.06

Bard, I'm beging my investigation of your department. There seem to be a number of individuals within your facillities with Denfeld sympathies, but so far, little evidence to link you with it. These people will, of course, be ELIMINATED immediantly, in the name of our lord. That being the case, your loyalty is not currently in question. However, should this change, well, you know what will happen.

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

19:30 / 07.04.06

It helps, Komrade Komissar, if you do not start your investigations in the room labeled "Traitors For Deep One Feeding Time". You see, I have something of a back log for tossing into the rabid Deep Ones feeding pool.

I've been considering importing a Shoggoth. I hear they tend to go through prisoners faster.

8. My favourite pass time when not being a villain is...
a) Fishing, because there's nothing like the subtle gain of catch and release. Also, I look fetching in a fishing hat.
b) Salsa dancing, the only place I can truly release my inner fury, allowing me to enact crimes of cold, calculating efficiency.
c) A pint and a good book. Its the quiet moments that make life worth living.
d) Being a villain IS my passtime! You can't take a vacation from a job you love!

Page: 1 2(3)4 5 6 7