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Godawful adverts

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15:34 / 19.04.04

I'd fucking hope not. I went and did the whole "immediately post a rant on the Internet" thing first time I saw that one.

17:40 / 19.04.04

So why can't I help but sing along when it's on?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?

17:45 / 19.04.04

You're failing to change the channel immediately. That's what's wrong.

XXII:X:II = XXX

18:42 / 20.04.04

Can anybody actually watch this ad w/out switching channels?

Worse yet, I've had to sit through it in movie theaters. My sister and I saw it before "Starsky & Hutch" a week ago and we were both gagging.

It is, of course, Coke ripping themselves off, as the concept and even melody reference the "classic" Coke campaign "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing (Buy The World A Coke." That one was at least strangely sweet; this one is just fucking obnoxious.

VJB2

19:00 / 20.04.04

I appear to be turning into Warren Ellis.

i have a mumu and a mask you can borrow, if you'd like.

19:21 / 20.04.04

If i was a scat eating paedo, then i'd be straight down Tesco to purchase a scented crap remover...

JesusChrist, davida, I was eating when I read your post you jerk!

All of the McD's "I'm lovin it" ads are loathsome, but my current most-hated TV ad will be familiar only to New Englanders.

I've been watching a lot of Boston sports lately, and literally every commercial break includes one for Foxwoods Casino - with this horrifically cheesy faux-lounge faux-Sinatra crooner theme song, "Pop the cork, finger snappin' (??), Spin the wheel, round and round we goooooo...."

Life is good, life is sweet, grab yourself a front row seat!

Let's meet,
and have a balllllll
OH!
Let's live, for the wonderrr! of it all! Fox! Woods!

XXII:X:II = XXX

19:42 / 20.04.04

I know and hate it well.

21:50 / 20.04.04

Current hates:

The one where the woman knocks over a sculpture in a gallery and replaces it with an air-freshener, prompting mass interest in this smelly artifact. Then everyone realises what it is and laughs in a really smug and (more importantly) dubbed manner at their mistake. Might not sound so bad, but believe me, everyone on that ad is a cunt and you would agree if you'd seen it.

Hair replacement clinic (or whatever) featuring several hundred cricketers and rugby players espousing at great length the benefits of having their hair back via some miracle technique. Whilst I'm not necessarily unconvinced (and, frankly, could do with some of that myself) it's just the having to listen to a seemingly endless parade of dullards who should never have been allowed anywhere near a script or camera. It also takes up an entire ad break and looks like it was made about 15 years ago and recorded over a worn out VHS tape. It's shockingly bad.

See also: pretty much anything shown on daytime TV (life insurance, car insurance, walk-in-baths, home insurance, Life of Jesus DVDs, women-only car insurance etc etc etc)

Foust is SO authentic

22:25 / 20.04.04

Buz, you've got my vote. Every time I see a commercial that appeals to Canadian patriotism to sell beer or coffee, I want to kick the tv. It incenses me. How stupid do they think we are?

Pretty stupid, I guess, since that wretched, hateful, manipulative, cynical, "I Am Joe" rant took off a while back.

Everytime I heard it or a parody thereof, I wanted to spew vomit like the girl in the Exorcist.

01:59 / 21.04.04

Ahhhh! The Foxwoods song! Nooooo! Now it's going to rattle around in my head all night. THANK YOU. NO, REALLY.

Beats getting the Bernie and Phyl jingle stuck in your head, though.

... quality, comfort, and price! That's nice!

03:10 / 21.04.04

God! I forgot about the beer ads! The worst part being that thousands believe it! and adopt it! How many losers around the world do I have to see bragging about drinking Labatt's in Tokyo and watching a Leafs game there (YOU'RE IN TOKYO GODDAMNIT! WATCH SUMO AND DRINK SAPPORO! GAH!), or parading in bars in Mexico wearing Molson's hats with 'I am Canadian' proudly displayed all over their bloody clothing! FAAH!

grrr.....

Goodness Gracious Meme

23:30 / 21.04.04

Zum zum zum.

ARrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

Regrettable Juvenilia

07:59 / 23.04.04

"WKD: have you got a wicked side?"

Are you the kind of puerile man-infant who necessitated the creation of Nuts and Zoo because you found Front and Loaded too artsy, intellectual and feminist? Pray I make your deaths relatively quick, fuckers.

Ex

09:14 / 23.04.04

"Charmin".

A product with a docked tail. A campaign lasting many many months entirely based on the expression "Do bears shit in the woods?" A cartoon ad which forces the viewer to picture bears wiping shit off the fur of their arses.

And it's been going on forever... And then they promoted the ads that suggested that as Charmin was thicker and embossed (embossed?) you could use less of it. I've been bloody poor in my life, but I've never bought luxury loo roll and then scrimped on how many sheets to use.
I'm sorry, this is all getting rather faecal. But I'm ticked off because this morning I found a six foot bloated funfur bear squatting in my local supermarket, with a smug expression which says "I'm engaged in shitting. In the woods. Mmmm, it's fun. Find me Charmin."
I didn't.

Whisky Priestess

14:37 / 27.04.04

How could I forget the abysmal Cornetto ads?

Specifically the most recent abomination, which is clearly taking the two demographic groups that generally consume ice-cream (small children and unimaginative lovers) and managing to pitch it, horrifically, somewhere between the two, thus ensuring that the resulting ad appears to be aimed at oversexed, unimaginative children.

Not only do I hate this ad for its visual appallingness and determination to continue flogging the horse well after ivy has grown over its grave and the church has been turned into a community arts centre … it’s also the words to the well-known Cornetto tune. As with “Lenor”, the copywriter in question has the verbal dexterity and power of George W. Bush and has been denied access to both Rhyming and Rhythm 101. AND the actors speak-sing the words like they were Rex Harrison or some shit – another please-nobody stool-straddling compromise that comes crashing down. ARG!

Bird comes on in flasher’s trenchcoat, addresses Bloke:

She: “Just one Cornetto – give it to me”
He: “It’s nuts and chocolate (or whatever) – no chance honey”

(Note: the stress is emphatically on the second syllable of “honey”, which sounds unbelievably lame and is against God and Nature)

She: “I’ve something for you to see –
Give me Cornetto and you get ME!”

(Opens her horrible coat to reveal an unthreateningly mumsy body inside an even more unpleasant spangly corset. And speaking as a woman who likes corsets, this revolts me: it’s like Moulin Rouge on acid. With hot disco music and wah-wah camerawork, crazily zooming in on her cleavage and stocking tops).

And then -

And then …

RIOTOUS APPLAUSE from the audience as the camera zooms out to reveal that they are on stage performing some avant-garde modern Cornetto opera …

Sweet God, it’s just so wrong …

14:57 / 27.04.04

Should WKD be renamed WNKR? Yes. Yes it should.

16:33 / 27.04.04

(Note: the stress is emphatically on the second syllable of “honey”, which sounds unbelievably lame and is against God and Nature)

And it makes it sound even less like it rhymes by, you know, emphasising the fact that it doesn't. I know that I've gone on about this issue a fair bit in this thread, but really, does anyone find adverts which try to rhyme and don't less than excrutiating?

Also currently showing up on the bad advert radar -those Smirnoff Ice ads, which imply that drinking said beverage will make one funnier. No it won't. Not at all. Don't even try...

.

09:34 / 28.04.04

Oh god. There's so many awful eye- and ear- offending adverts out there at the moment. And this bastard threads reminded me of a load I'd done a good job of forgetting:

"Zoom zoom zoom!"

"breadstick, breadstick!"

"Poooee! Mummy, I've done a big poo!" (by dubbed asian boy on toilet), and the similar "You're the prince of the potty, lord of the loo!"

That terrible thing with the air freshener in the art gallery, incredible for the utter lack of effort put into making the dubbing look in any way convincing

WKD

But these have been given enough attention already. There are two that haven't been mentioned yet that really wind me up... The less offensive of the two is the one for the most unappetising pizza ever. Actually it's a fairly forgettable ad, except for the last five seconds - "Restaurante pizza... By Doctor Oetker".

Doctor Oetker for fuck's sake! Never mind the fact that not a single person knows what or where this brand comes from (previously sold only in Lidl?), or the fact that they are so proud of their good doctor's unknown name, or the fact that there could be no name more wrong for freezer aisle italian food than Dr. Oetker... It's the fact that Dr. Oetker is clearly a comic book villain intent on taking over the world. I simply don't believe he's going to waste his time making his pizza taste nice when he has bigger plans in mind.

Worse than that though, in my mind at least, is the subtle guilt tripping manipulation of those BT adverts. "Come back to BT... Why did you leave us? We never did anything wrong, we cared for you, loved you all these years, and this is how you repay us? Come now, return to the flock..."

In fact "Come back to BT" or variations thereof, is probably the most insidious piece of sloganeering ever.

09:47 / 28.04.04

In fact "Come back to BT" or variations thereof, is probably the most insidious piece of sloganeering ever.

Indeed, and if I may add that the air of religious conversion (or rebirth) of the interviewees is slightyl disquieting, so much so that the people at BT thinking "Come back to BT" have delivered it in a "bring 'em home to Rome" style.

Goodness Gracious Meme

09:59 / 28.04.04

I have just smashed every box of br******cks in my local supermarket. Reduced them to dust. They'll catch up with me soon, but I have no regrets.

*runs away, cackling dementedly*

10:01 / 28.04.04

Ads. How I hate thee.

1) That clairol Herbal Essensces ad. Not the "It's "Oibal"! Not "Herbal"!" one. I'm talking about the one where a group of friends are trying to decide the theme for a party and one girl who suggests "Brazilian" keeps getting ignored. Until she washes her hair! Then everyone loves her! Look at her! She's fun! And Exciting! And respected! "Braaaaziiil!" GOOD FUCK!

I know that when you look good you tend to feel better about yourself and more confident but they are actually saying that if you use their shampoo you will become, quite literally, the life and soul of the party! GRARAH!

(That said, this is the brand of shampoo I buy. Cos I'm not very allergic to it. Hrmph.)

2) That bloody car insurance or whatever ad which features a girl sitting in a call cantre. She gets a call and we zoom into ther head where she's imagining she's Charlie's Angel's, springing into action to help the poor caller because "He's saved a lot of money with us!" or the other version where she's three superheroes.

Now.

I've worked in a call-centre and I can assure you that is not what goes on in the head of the average Call Agent. Most likely, she's generally resenting his very existence and imagining painful ways for the caller to die by her hands. While playing Solitaire. And why the fuck are there three of her inside her head?! Schizophrenia?

3)The new M&S food ad where "Real People" are talking about how much they love M&S food. So much so, in fact, that one woman says she like to come back as a Marks & Spencer sea food platter! Seriously. Bad enough, yeah? Nothing could make this ad worse you say? Oh-ho, how about some background music. By Finlay Quaye.
Finlay. Fucking. Quaye. Unnaceptable on every level.

Goodness Gracious Meme

10:06 / 28.04.04

not an advert, but infuriating. Listening to local radio, a item on the high rate of Caesarean sections concludes with the phrase

Too posh to push

arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

You can just hear Jonny Vaugn saying it, can't you.

10:13 / 28.04.04

*snicker* S'catchy, though.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

10:23 / 28.04.04

Heat magazine ads. Is that Emma Kennedy, playing possibly the single person more annoying to share an office with than David Brent? How has that advert not driven away the entire market for this magazine?

The 'FRANK' adverts for drugs. The TV ones are annoying whereas the billboard ones weren't thought through "My sister wanted some E's for her birthday party, I got her to talk to Frank' rather suggests instead that Frank's where you go if you want to make sure you get good stuff.

Any adverts where they badly and obviously dub over the dialogue with English-sounding accents because we wouldn't buy a blackhead-removal cream if the original accents sounded American...

.

10:58 / 28.04.04

I've just remembered another painful one, much like the religious conversions of BT, another group of rather too enthusiastic "members of the public".

First Direct. Talking heads, words jumping around screen like a less artful version of the programme trailers on Channel 5. All tasteful black and white.

Wife (I'm paraphrasing here, obviously): "When I see someone with a First Direct card at the check-out, I have to stop myself from grabbing them and going 'Ohhh! First Direct! We're with them too!'"

Husband: "She thinks of it as a little club."

It's not a club, a society, a team or community of any sort - it's a BANK! Where do they find these people? Please tell me they're not real...

.

11:04 / 28.04.04

Do advertising agencies realise how many people they alienate through these adverts? I've already blacklisted Three, First Direct, Herbal Essences, Coca-Cola, BT, and virtually all brands of car, beer, air freshener and toilet paper. If that means I'm housebound with no phone, no bank account, tee-total and have to wipe my arse with newspaper, then so be it.

14:27 / 28.04.04

Problem is, most people don't care. They honestly don't see any problem with these ads. Like when I shouted at the TV over that fucking "Braaaaziiiil!" ad, my boyfriend shouted at me "Just let it go! It doesn't matter!"

But it does matter! These people cannnot be allowed to get away with these unbearabley shit creations!

Christ, imagine what it's like to not be bothered by these things.
What must that be like...

15:10 / 28.04.04

I get that all the time.
"chill out, it doesn't matter"
YES IT FUCKING DOES MATTER. Everytime some stupid advert or idea slips into the memepool it fucks things up for the rest of us. This applies more to everyday stupidity, like creationists or Daily Mail readers, but it applies to adverts as well.
The worse example of this was as I was ranting about some thing that had offended my sensibilites, some fucker went "calm down, it's only an advert", just like Michael bloody Winner in those e-sure adverts. That made me SO angry.
"If you work in advertising kill yourself, seriously" - Bill Hicks. As true today as it was then.

15:13 / 28.04.04

I'm learning new things in this thread! I'd had no idea American ad exports to the UK got dubbed over.

The latest McD's ad to make me grind my teeth is the one where a bunch of irritating chicks are at a bridal shower. Despite their being thin and perfect-looking, we are supposed to believe that the dainty hors d'oevre the bride has the nerve to serve them are wholly unsatisfying. They need juicy burgers!

But the part that makes me cringe is the part where they run from the shower and burst into McD's like ravenous shewolves and the singer's voice bleats, "I'M STARVING!!" So shut up and stick a meat patty in it you ungrateful twat.

15:19 / 28.04.04

"I'm lovin' it!"

Good for you. You clearly have low standards.

20:26 / 28.04.04

Earlier McD ad:
"lotsa change please!"
OK, how's this for change? Your bowels will become obstructed, heart disease and cancer will follow closely behind along with fatness and lethargy. Your society will become even more warped by the environmental, social and economic forces behind such companies, and TV will get worse.
ENOUGH CHANGE FOR YA?

20:34 / 28.04.04

That Coca Cola ad with the woman singing has 3 flash frame white flashes in it. I know that it's allegedly illegal to insert subliminal things in ads, but I'd like to see a stop frame analysis of it, I really would.

Anyway, I'm here to bemoan the Oil of Olay ad. (Oil of Olay? what's that about anyway? They'll be changing the name of the Marathon Bar next.)

It's the one with the middle aged woman in it who witters on about 'as you get older it's easier to say No.'

Sorry? What? No No No No No No NO. There love, see? Not that hard.

20:48 / 28.04.04

Oh, I know cosmetic ads are easy prey, but there's a great one which promises the power of Boswelox. Obviously trying to catch people who have thinking impairments that there's something Botulinumy in there.
Sounds more like a nasty groinal parasite to me.
Let's just recap on some of the better ones:
Liposomes! (Fat)
Three hydrating ingredients! (Water, salts..fat?)
Skin hydration microspheres! (Water. In fat.)
Oh, I love those ads. [Hands gun on, points to riddled barrel.]

21:25 / 28.04.04

Oil of 'Olay' is on an irritatingness par with 'Cif'. What was wrong with Jif?

Having never smoked a cigarette in my entire life, anti-smoking adverts make me want to start. My unfavourite used to be that hideous Scottish crone dying in hospital, who leans over and hisses wheezily at her terrified offspring, "Promise me, son. Promise you won't smoke." Even on her deathbed, Cancer Mum isn't above traumatising her kids. Nice.

Then there's that more recent one, where a Brummie (ever the idiot accent of the advertising world) marvels at his own stupidity in getting hooked on "that little whoite stick we put in our mouth". Well, sure - but everyfuckingthing sounds laughable if we reduce it to its constituent parts. Books? "Those little whoite bits of pressed tree with black marks on". Fuckwit.

06:03 / 29.04.04

I believe Cif was a reaction to the fact that Jif means something very rude in Scandinavia.

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