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Constantine. Say it isn't so.

 
  

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STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
22:27 / 12.07.02
Nicholas Cage has obviously taken time out from his plan to piss me off. Got this email the other day... (didn't quote his source, but it sounds dumb enough to be true).

...
Keanu Reeves is being eyed to star in 'Constantine',
a big screen adaptation of acclaimed comic
'Hellblazer'.

E!Online says that Nicolas Cage had previously
been linked to the project but now movie studio
Warner Bros are considering Reeves.

If he signs up for the part, Reeves will play the
titular hero, a con man who joins forces with a
policewoman to fight evil.
...

Oh shit.
 
 
Margin Walker
23:27 / 12.07.02
To quote the Dead Kennedys: "We've Got A Bigger Problem Now"
 
 
gridley
23:31 / 12.07.02
The man without a bit of charisma playing the man who's nothing but charisma?

sad....
 
 
Mazarine
01:03 / 13.07.02
Oh fantastic. We've entered Bizarro world and somehow someone thinks that this could possibly be a good plan. Dolph Lundgren would be a better choice than Keanu Reeves. -sulks-
 
 
Perfect Tommy
01:52 / 13.07.02
The quote from E!Online:

"Warner Bros. is looking to Keanu Reeves to bring a comic-book hero to life. The studio is wooing the actor to topline the feature Constantine, based on the DC-Vertigo comic Hellblazer. If a suitable director comes onboard, The Matrix star would portray the title hero, an occult-obsessed con man who teams up with a female cop to battle evil forces. Nicolas Cage had previously been linked to the project."
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
05:06 / 13.07.02
Fuck you up your stupid fucking ass, Warner Bros. No, really. Just fucking fuck you. Fuck.
 
 
Rev. Wright
10:47 / 13.07.02
Give me an e-mail address, I have something I want to say to Warner Bros.

He's a BRITISH fucking MAGICKIAN, Morons

I've had a pet project of adapting Hellblazer, especially the Garth Ennis period, so this really fucks me off.
 
 
videodrome
11:47 / 13.07.02
You do all realize that this means no one here can go see this, right? Not out of curiosity, not "just to see", nothing. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can anyone here do anything that might be misconstrued as support of this ridiculous idea, alright?
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
12:13 / 13.07.02
i will set fire to any theater that tries to show this piece of crap.
i would rather go see a gay porn starring my grand dad than watch this...
 
 
Jack The Bodiless
13:43 / 13.07.02
Don't you go dissing you grandpappy, boy. He's got a fine ass on him.

Warner Brothers greenlighted two movies in which Val Kilmer and George Clooney were paid to play Batman. I am no longer surprised at anything they do. I am, however, once again giggling over the inanity of purchasing the rights to a critically acclaimed comic book only actually popular in terms of the audience that horror comics get, which the vast majority of the people it's being marketed at won't have heard of, and then changing all of the things about the concept and characters that made the comic so popular with the only people who would have heard of it.

The thing that pisses me off isn't the above, however, but the fact that Hellblazer is one of the few good comics out there that can be effortlessly translated to film, and that so many people would enjoy it and be drawn to the comic as a result. Any after this turkey is released no one's ever going to give it the shot it deserves. Another wasted opportunity...

But who could play JC? Seriously... my money's still on Tim Roth. Pretty boy, decent actor, and he could probably do with the earnings that being the star of a potential low budget franchise would bring.
 
 
glassonion
14:03 / 13.07.02
instead of trying to give head

the job of ressurrecting drwho for a wary bbc and i imagine totally disinterested u.s audience they should give head

the far more rewarding task of turning constantine into an ongoing tv series. does no-one else think that the whole concept and atmosphere of hellblazer would have to be completely dumped if trying to fit it into a 95 min movie? either way they should definitely give head

the role.

BLOW JOBS BLOW JOBS BLOW JOBS
 
 
Jack The Bodiless
14:13 / 13.07.02
You don't mean Tony Head, do you?
 
 
videodrome
14:24 / 13.07.02
Besides, no one makes 95 minute movies anymore. Real entertainment is at least 140 minutes.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
14:41 / 13.07.02
MiB2 was only 90...oh, wait, REAL entertainment, sorry.

Hellblazer could make it as a show, it would appeal to the same people as Forever Knight and Brimstone...
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
14:58 / 13.07.02
I still don't understand why you'd PAY for a franchise, then change it so much that you may as well have made it up yourself, and you're guaranteed that a whole bunch of people will NEVER watch it... when you could have just called it something else and it would have just been another bad movie...
There's many things about capitalism that confuse me, but this is one of the most confusing.
It's not like Moore or anyone would sue if you did a movie about an occultist conman who teams up with a policewoman to fight evil, is it?
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
15:56 / 13.07.02
i would sue on the basis of mental poisening.
actually, when i saw the first teasers for The Sixth Sense i thougt it was a hellblazer flic...
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
16:50 / 13.07.02
I think they should give Constantine a talking cartoon dog. And set the movie in space. And make the rest of the cast Muppets. And have everyone speak Esperanto. And let Pauly Shore direct.
 
 
Hieronymus
14:41 / 24.09.02
Latest from DarkHorizons and Darkworlds.com is that a new director, whose experience includes videos for Britney Spears, Incubus, Aerosmith and Lauryn Hill, has picked up the film after Tarsem Singh (The Cell) bowed out of the job. And yeah, the assclowns still want Keanu in it reportedly (Between Nick Cage and Keanu, are these just the go-to guys for urinating on great film concepts?).
 
 
deja_vroom
15:13 / 24.09.02
what's a "con man"?
 
 
captain piss
16:20 / 24.09.02
short for confidence trickster (innit?)- they use their confidence to fool you into stuff

actually Tim Roth would be an inspired choice. Even just someone who's English- Seans Bean and Pertwee spring to mind as obvious on the looks front but maybe not the requisite wasted charisma
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
17:02 / 24.09.02
short for confidence trickster (innit?)

Yes. God, I just got into this comic too.

I think they should give Constantine a talking cartoon dog. And set the movie in space. And make the rest of the cast Muppets. And have everyone speak Esperanto. And let Pauly Shore direct.

Yes! Yes! And they have to save Santa Claus or christmas will never come around again!
 
 
Hieronymus
18:04 / 24.09.02
I agree, Meme. And what kills me is they've got to be markedly cheaper to pay than your standard Hollywood "it" pantheon.
 
 
rizla mission
13:09 / 25.09.02
I still don't understand why you'd PAY for a franchise, then change it so much that you may as well have made it up yourself, and you're guaranteed that a whole bunch of people will NEVER watch it... when you could have just called it something else and it would have just been another bad movie...

That's what I was going to say, pretty much..

The only explanations seem to be;

1.Hollywood producer types have become so absurdly lazy and content that, whilst they know how to churn out the same old garbage every year, they've found themselves completely incapable of doing simple things like giving characters names and thinking up titles and thus have to pinch someone elses.

2.There's a vast conspiracy within the movie industry aimed at ruining and discrediting comics. Possibly they see them as competition or something..
 
 
Jack Fear
14:34 / 25.09.02
"Competition"? Let me wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes, Riz...

It's very simple, really: the franchises are altered to try to appeal to the broadest possible demographic, and thus make the most money.

Because, let's face it, the HELLBLAZER fans are gonna go see it anyway (probably on opening weekend), just to see how badly they fuck it up.

That's .0000000001% of the (total) movie-going audience accounted for.

All the tweaking is to try and entice the other 99.999999999%--those who've never heard of HELLBLAZER and couldn't fucking care less.
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
15:02 / 25.09.02
It's very simple, really: the franchises are altered to try to appeal to the broadest possible demographic, and thus make the most money.

Because, let's face it, the HELLBLAZER fans are gonna go see it anyway (probably on opening weekend), just to see how badly they fuck it up.

That's .0000000001% of the (total) movie-going audience accounted for.

All the tweaking is to try and entice the other 99.999999999%--those who've never heard of HELLBLAZER and couldn't fucking care less.


This is true of every movie based on a comic book. But I think this time they've gone and changed too many basic parts of Constantine. In the batman movies, Bruce Wayne was still a vengence/justice driven masked hero, not just a buisnessman fighting crime. They're describing Constantine now as a "con man" with no reference to the fact that he's a mage. I suppose one could argue that a con-man is in fact a magickian as well, but c'mon, that's still missing the target.
 
 
Hieronymus
15:06 / 25.09.02
Most of this argument could be tackled in the 'Comic Book Movies That Do or Will Suck' thread but Jack's right in that, bottom line, they want franchises because franchises make them heaploads of money. That said, I think AICN's Moriarty, in his review of the Abrams Superman script, brought up an excellent point. Marvel, under the gun financially there for a while, knew that they had to find great directors for their properties who loved the material and also knew they had to gamble that by getting the hell out of the director's way. Blade was a shot in the dark. And it saved them.

Warner Bros. on the other hand is such an immense entity that it doesn't know when to leave things well enough alone. Much less get over their property paralysis (when was the last DC hero you saw on the big screen since Shaq's Steel?) to allow it to be worked with. I for one will believe the Nick Cage/ Constantine-as-a-Yank-who-likes-to-have-sex-with-teakwood-furniture-stories only when I see it. Till then, it's just one more rumor that Warner Bros. is actually churning something out. Feh. Riiight.

As to the second point, movie suits don't see comics as evil. Hell, it's the only place they can unabashedly pillage for movie ideas. But some studios know how to handle comics properties well and some interfere and glam them to the point of burdensome. Marvel had to play their cards well. Warner Bros. can lose money (and franchises) with no major loss. It's the fans, ultimately, that are the only ones that suffer.
 
 
adamswish
16:28 / 25.09.02
the far more rewarding task of turning constantine into an ongoing tv series. does no-one else think that the whole concept and atmosphere of hellblazer would have to be completely dumped if trying to fit it into a 95 min movie?

Back in he very first issue of SFX in an article on "how to save britich Tv Sci-fi" (or some such) the journalist put that Hellblazer should be made into a TV series, and went into the pros (and a few cons) of how it would work.

I'm confused though. All this talk of WB buying the rights for the comic. Warner Bros owns DC and therefore Vertigo. So unless they get a nice little tax dodge buying something off themselves then I don't get it.

Oh and I second Sean Bean for Constantine. Just don't let him shout as he always loses the accent he's speaking with (witness the shouty bits in "Goldeneye").
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
16:41 / 25.09.02
"Warner Bros. on the other hand is such an immense entity that it doesn't know when to leave things well enough alone. Much less get over their property paralysis (when was the last DC hero you saw on the big screen since Shaq's Steel?) to allow it to be worked with. I for one will believe the Nick Cage/ Constantine-as-a-Yank-who-likes-to-have-sex-with-teakwood-furniture-stories only when I see it. Till then, it's just one more rumor that Warner Bros. is actually churning something out. Feh. Riiight." -Diaphaneity Mass

Well, maybe not the big screen, but what about (for example) Birds Of Prey? From what I've heard about this show, they've completely gutted everything but the most superficial elements of the comics series and been left w/a steaming pile of completely unrelated shit (outside of the characters' names being the same). Not that I particularly care in this case, since I don't really care about Birds Of Prey in the first place. And not that I care, for the sake of the movie, whether the all-singing, all-dancing version of Constantine! starring Tommy Tune and Ethel Merman ever gets made. What concerns me is that they could make a solid film based on this material that would be good enough to make a general audience consider the possibility that the source material was quality and worth reading. But (in the theoretical world where this film exists) what are the chances that someone who saw and actually liked the Keanu version of the Constantine is going to pick up the monthly title and not be disappointed or feel as if they'd been led astray? Or, on the other hand, how many people are going to despise the film and never give the source material (which they might quite like) a chance? So Warner Brothers gives themselves a quick cash injection. I'd still argue that they'll ultimately be shooting themselves in the foot if they make a decision this poor (Batman And Robin, anyone?).
 
 
Sharkgrin
21:53 / 25.09.02
Barring the Matrix, I believe K. Reeves is King Midas - Every piece of gold he touches turns to crap.

Remember the last literary - screen play Reeves did?

Johnny Mnemonic.

I weep for our children and vomit repeatedly.

VR

The Ever-graceful Shark
 
 
Sebastian
00:56 / 02.05.03
Don't follow this link if you are not feeling really well. Beware, I tell you, it is cmpletely distastefull. Now I am actually regretting I decided to read a bit about cinema and comics news before going to bed.

This is a nightmare that we should all stop. Honestly. Why don't we make up a sigil and wank on it for crisssake???
 
 
Baz Auckland
01:55 / 02.05.03
So... this comic about a blonde, British guy with razor-sharp wit is being played by a Canadian with black hair who has trouble with words longer than two syllables. Makes sense. Really.
 
 
Saint Keggers
02:48 / 02.05.03
Maybe he'll just say things like "Whoa!" and "Dude we got to rescue the princess babes!!" and we'll be treated to a wonderfully delightful movie thanks to Keanu To English subtitles.
 
 
arcboi
09:32 / 02.05.03
You need someone who resembles Constantine to begin with - that'll be Sting then
 
 
Sebastian
11:42 / 02.05.03
I honestly wouldn't mind at all about Sting in this.
 
 
gridley
12:46 / 02.05.03
That's hyperbole, right? You can't really imagine Sting doing anything but an utterly crap performance, can you?
 
  

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