Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Oh dear. : A thread about things that tick you off quite a bit, and might even elicit a frown.

Page: 1 ... 22 23 24 25 26(27)28 29 30 31 32... 40

Shiny: Well Over Thirty

15:00 / 22.09.07

Something similar happened to me a few years back, only this was the vacant property next doors burglar alarm, which started going off at around three AM and carried on until about eight the next evening. We called the police when the alarm first went off, but of course they didn't care. I tried calling the agents in charge of the property during the day, but they also didn't care. The council very helpfully sent someone round, who was actually really nice, and who gave at least a reasonable facimile of caring, but who was unable to actually do anything immediate. Thankfully it stopped eventually after an hour or so of getting progressively quieter, so we presumed the battery ran out.

Just as well really, because I had every intention of actually breaking in the property and smashing the alarm myself once it got dark. After all it's not as if I had to worry about tripping the bloody burglar alarm is it?

I should note I've never broken into anything in my life, and universe willing I never will - but my mind wasn't quite working the way it ought to by that point.

Tryphena Absent

15:55 / 22.09.07

Withiel, who's in charge of the block?

When I was a kid our next door neighbour used to leave his TV on really loud and go out. We used to break in by shoving the broom through the cat flap, unlocking the blot at the top of the back door and go and turn the thing off. If you can't find someone to do something about it you're going to have to do something yourself but you need to work out who's responsible for the thing first.

All Acting Regiment

16:30 / 22.09.07

The Schlegel sisters, I don't like them. I prefer Ursula and Gudrun Brangwen. Leonard Bast is not as good as Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov.

21:46 / 22.09.07

I had an anonymous call, and at six past midnight to boot. Not the first time either, and mostly after 22.00. I suppose it´s a former colleague, who tried to get into contact again, after she started ignoring me a couple of years ago. She sent me an email a few months ago and I didn´t reply. I react with being a bit creeped out about these persistent calls plus my curiousity (who is it?) gets frustrated.

12:05 / 24.09.07

Advice please

My Uncle has just been on the phone to my Mum to say that his family could well be boycotting our wedding as they haven't been invited to the ceremony. Now, obviously this is completely uncalled for nonsense because a)it's our fucking wedding - a day, weirdly, about us and what we want - b)we have very limited space (this has been communicated), c) there are many people who we love dearly who haven't been invited to the ceremony.
This is made more difficult by the fact that we have large immediate families - people who are very important to us - who absolutely have to be there.

The problem has 2 sources: that my Aunt is a big ol' histrionisist who spent the entirity of my 21st birthday crying in a corner because she wasn't getting enough attention or something (this was after presenting Pigs! and I with perhaps the worst 21st birthday presents ever: fucking sock puppets); and that, since the death of my grandparents, the glue that has bound us to them has begun to crack, and perhaps understandably, my cousins (who weren't brought up with a large cool, customised, extended family and bazillions of siblings) probably feel that we're slipping away from them.

Now, that latter point is sad, but it isn't the end of my world, and I'm not sure I should feel responsible for their emotions. Sure, I care, but I have many other priorities in my life.

And, fuck, this is my bloody wedding day! I don't want to manage their issues, I want to have a nice time.

So, possible solutions.

1. We shift people around and try and make some space for them. But unless I make up some kind of white lie along the lines of "you were always invited we must've screwed up the invites" that's a bit like saying "Well, we moved the other non-essential people around so that we could accommodate you non-essential people" (and, that's not really the truth of it).

2. We tell them that the arrangements are the way they are for good reason, and bite the bullet.

Garbled post, I know, but ANNNOY!

12:11 / 24.09.07

Fuck 'em.

It's your wedding. You have the right to invite the people you want, and you have the right to enjoy yourself without worrying about them and their histrionics.

Whisky Priestess

12:21 / 24.09.07

Tell them the truth. You don;t sound as though you like them much anyway - would less contact be a heartbreaker? I'm guessing not.

However:
this was after presenting Pigs! and I with perhaps the worst 21st birthday presents ever: fucking sock puppets

Best 21st birthday presents ever, surely?

12:27 / 24.09.07

Well, perhaps so, but given that my Aunt has a history of being condescending and seems to need to infantalise my twin brother and I (for whatever weird reason), it was hard to get much joy out of the sock puppet fun.

As for "fuck 'em", I know what you're saying, and, sure, that was my immediate reaction, but unfortunately this is a real situation that will have real consequences. To say I don't like them wouldn't be strictly accurate; there's some love and care there, especially for my young (early twenties) counsins, it's just that they're not as important to me as I am to them.

Regrettable Juvenilia

12:33 / 24.09.07

a)it's our fucking wedding - a day, weirdly, about us and what we want

lol

The Natural Way

13:04 / 24.09.07

WTF? Why do I only ever hear about this kind of shit over the internet?

Oh, bloody hell......

13:20 / 24.09.07

I'd go for Number 2. A nice gesture, though, would be to send them a fruit basket or something with a note explaining why they could not be invited (space constraints is an excellent reason,btw)and deeply apologising. It should be enough. If it is not, it's their problem, really.

Btw, have a good wedding, and an even better marriage...

Regrettable Juvenilia

13:28 / 24.09.07

What would Boboss be apologising for, DM?

13:59 / 24.09.07

The problem with telling them that this is how it is and it ain't going to change, is that I still have to have them at the wedding, I still have to interact with them - and I don't want that weight around my neck when I do. I don't want to feel uncomfortable AT MY WEDDING.

The other thing that really bothers me is that we have tried to deliberately engineer things in such a way so as avoid the hassles of conventional weddings. We're not having all that formal stuff like a sit down meal, and toasts, and wotnot, we're having a ceremony and a reception (with some speeches snuck in) and that's it. I was labouring under the misapprehension that the informal atmosphere would lessen the blow of not being invited to the ceremony proper. I mean, it's not like we haven't been conscious that some people - people that we would really love to be there in some instances - would be a bit hurt.

I'm really struggling to see how we can fit them in. Nnnnnn!

Pigs, you haven't heard about this before now because Mum only told me about it this afternoon.

14:26 / 24.09.07

As I discovered recently, weddings are for people who want to mortally wound their families. There's nothing you can do that will please everyone, I promise. I recommend option 2. I tried sending the offended parties a note saying something along the lines of "We greatly regret that we are forced to plan under many constraints and cannot accommodate everyone as we'd wish." It didn't work, but.

ONLY NICE THINGS

14:35 / 24.09.07

"It will be a bit of a squeeze, but I think we can get you in on the rimming bench."

22:32 / 24.09.07

Much sympathy Boboss; hope it gets sorted as pleasantly as possible.

Now, the frowning: My birthday (extended) weekend just passed (it is, in fact, the day, today), and I spent it jotting about the LA area visiting on person here, another there, and generally having a good time. It's just now hit me that in four nights, I had four different friends get in trouble with their SOs, when said Significants decided we were probably (or definitely) having sex. So far we've got one count of liberally-tossed about 'whore' and 'slut' in a parking lot, one count of threatened sexuality-correcting rape, a huge amount of totally unfounded mistrust all 'round, and two short lectures by different people on how you can't trust someone who's bi because as one put it you don't know what they'll do.

I'm not really angry, and it took all day today for it to really settle in my head into a clear pattern. Nothing went to the point, nothing was new or innovative enough, to get me really pissed off. I am very sad that I know too many people, apparently, who're dating, married to, or in the process of divorcing paranoid assholes. I'm immensely tired of silly if they'd only just choose/excuse to be slutty bi-fear, and my realization that I have actual ethics, even if the framing elements/motivations aren't necessarily the best, is all wrapped up and choked by bitter indignancy at the presumptuousness against me. I mean, it's my birthday, right? Couldn't I at least get a couple days off from this shit?

If I have to tolerate assholes for the sake of friends' peace, I'd like to pretend the assholes could tolerate me for an equal measure and just shut up. Stupid real world not working like I want it to, regardless of how many times I sigh.

23:46 / 24.09.07

Boboss, it sounds easy enough to say fuck 'em, but in practice that's about all you can do really. Logistically, there's no way you can fit them in. You've been through it, it doesn't fit and much as you'd like to have them there, you can't. It's not your responsibility to make them fit because somebody twice your age has about half the emotional security.

Likelyhood is that if you shuffle things about to accomodate your Aunt's wounded pride you're going to end up not only uncomfortable at their prescence, but actively resenting them for it. I'd imagine that sort of shite would be bearable (if unwelcome) at the reception and whatnot, but it's definitely not the sort of crap you want anywhere near the ceremony itself.

Talk to your Aunt personally (it sounds like she could be the one leading the unrest). Tell her in no uncertain terms exactly what it is you're doing and why. A subtle layering in of the fact that she's making the whole thing particularly uncomfortable, without being too obvious or personal about it, might be an idea. She's trying to lay a guilt trip on you that really belongs at her feet. You might want to try holding a mirror to that.

Don't present this as a negotiable deal. If you guys have made your mind up, it's not.

If they boycott the wedding then it's nobody's fault but their own that things might go a bit sour their end. Sometimes people just have to learn to act like fucking grown-ups and pandering after their hissy fits'll never help them do that. If she's as attention-seeking as she sounds then she'll turn up regardless and it's almost certain she'll get short shrift if she tries anything on.

Make sure you take the wee cousins out for pintage at some point though, or invite them for dinner/to stay one night. No point in punishing them for parents that are out of their control.

01:21 / 25.09.07

the informal atmosphere would lessen the blow of not being invited to the ceremony proper.

Wait, are you saying you invited them to the reception but not the ceremony and they're still kvetching?

Screw 'em.

02:30 / 25.09.07

The woman in charge of the place where we had our reception was quite wonderful. She wanted a small wedding, her family wanted a big one. She told them, "This is how we're doing our wedding. If you'd like to throw a party as well we'll be happy to attend."

Ha!

07:19 / 25.09.07

Ya see, I just don't want to have to explain anything to my Aunt. I don't want to put myself out in any way, even if that means they're not taught a lesson, because, well, as nice as a lesson might be, I'm not in this to teach anyone anything, I'm in it to have a wedding that I enjoy. To that end we're likely doing away with the plus ones to fit them in. I've asked my Best Man and my photographer if their girlfriends would be happy to sit out the ceremony (they are, of course, invited to the reception), and I imagine that'll be cool, particularly as Bobosso and I don't know them. We're also going to see if the Best Woman's partner is happy to wait downstairs for half and hour - again, we don't really know him. That should free up enough space so that the relatives can be accommodated, and it won't leave a bad taste in our mouths, as there will almost certainly be no hurt feelings.

To be fair, it isn't just my Aunt who's kicking up a fuss. One of my cousins - a genuinely sensitive soul - instigated the whole kerfuffle.

The Natural Way

07:23 / 25.09.07

What gets me is that my Aunt can't understand that boboss and I actually have lives beyond them, and people populate these lives and some of them we really care for and need to have at the wedding ceremony. Arrgh! Fuck!

Boboss, perhaps you could PM me w/ a list of those actually going so that I can really stew.

07:29 / 25.09.07

i can't really get past the fact here that Auntie Noying is just being so rude. the invite arrives in the mail, you read it, you say 'lovely fine that'll be a smashing day', you turn up smile and have fun - you don't decide 'peh, this isn't good enough for ME', and go on a huge whinge to the groom's mum about how you want the event reorganised around you, as if the couple have nothing more important to do than worry about making the day more perfect for you. she's basically calling you an arsehole, because she's decided that your plans for the day, as you decided in your rational, grown up way allowing for all the factors you considered significant, are for some reason not good enough for her and the way she's arbitrarily decided she wants things to roll. only mums and brides are allowed to be that ill-mannered about the whole wedding kerfuffle, everybody else should just smile sweetly and not be obtrusive.

could perhaps a quiet call from your mum, saying that you are very hurt and offended by the suggestion that you don't care enough about her and her mites when you've got so much else to be thinking about right now, be enough to shame her into reconsidering her position?

if you do speak to her, can you please pass on my thanks for the 'sock puppet wedding present' idea? that's a stone cold winner right there - fun, derisory and cheap.

07:31 / 25.09.07

sorry, missed a couple postings by youse there. if it's only a cousin causing the trouble, can you not just punch it?

07:37 / 25.09.07

It is bigger than I.

Regrettable Juvenilia

08:00 / 25.09.07

I'm in it to have a wedding that I enjoy.

Increasingly, it looks like perhaps the mistake you made was mentioning it to any members of your family, beyond the Runce and anybody else who could have been trusted to keep a secret, at all? I find it particularly ironic that you're having to ask friends and partners of friends to accomodate your aunt - which they will do, because they are your friends. Because friends are people you like, who like you, who take your feelings into account - as opposed to people you don't really have anything in common with to whom you are nonetheless yoked by a societal convention enforced by emotional blackmail, or "family", as they are sometimes known.

08:03 / 25.09.07

Flyboy speaks the words we all wish our partners would say to us.

08:13 / 25.09.07

Decrescent, before I go on to rant some more, I just want it noted that I read your post and was left feeling a sad sense of cameraderie: both our complaints stem from the insecurities of silly humans. I suppose my situation doesn't involve coping with bigotry, which is a bonus.

Petey, I'm lucky enough to have a family who are in the main pretty cool, but, yeah, this nonsense really is, at a deep level, based on that blood is thicker than water shit.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:18 / 25.09.07

Wait, are you saying you invited them to the reception but not the ceremony and they're still kvetching?

Screw 'em.

I'm inclined to agree with grant. But that could just be because I hate wedding ceremonies but enjoy receptions.

I'm also inclined to believe with Fly. The only members of my family I ever really keep in touch with are the ones I also consider friends.

08:33 / 25.09.07

Hey, I don't go out of my way to stay in touch with these people.

Regrettable Juvenilia

08:38 / 25.09.07

But you are going out of your way to accomodate them... I dunno, I cave like a little wimp most of the time when my family turn the screws, so I can't comment from any kind of high ground here. I do, however, feel that you should only send them a fruit basket if the fruit it is filled with is rotten.

08:53 / 25.09.07

But then people have to cope with the fallout - that's why we cave. And if there was ever a time when I shouldn't have to cope with much of anything it's on my wedding day. That's the whole point of the exercise, that's the baseline, that's the line I won't cross - I won't allow anything to get in the way of us having a nice smooth wedding, because otherwise why have one in the first place?

It's simply more important to me that Bobosso and I have a good time than it is that I teach them a lesson.

Also, as I said above, the glue is beginning to crack, and those relationships - which were never too onerous in the first place because we've always kept our distance - are slowly dying. As far as I can see they're going to get less hassle over time not more. So I'm not too worried about the consequences of caving now, because in the not very long run I don't think there will be much in the way of consequences.

You know it's such a shame really, part of me does care about these people, I even like them when they're not being crazy (my uncle is a very affable chap), and my cousins are in many ways lovely young men.

Regrettable Juvenilia

09:06 / 25.09.07

I'm not saying teach them a lesson - I'm saying yes, have the most enjoyable wedding you can possibly have, by having there the people you originally wanted to be there. If the glue is cracking and the relationships are going to become less hassle over time, how bad can the fallout be?

11:14 / 25.09.07

For my Mother? Lots I imagine. I'm simply not prepared to create that situation for her, she has enough on her plate right now with her health the way it is. Frankly I'd rather be cross with my relatives and have them attend than live with worry that would cause. It's a matter of priorities.

Also, say we didn't invite them to the ceremony and they decided not to go through with their threat (the most likely outcome, I suspect) - personally I don't want to have that tension in the air.

ONLY NICE THINGS

11:23 / 25.09.07

I won't allow anything to get in the way of us having a nice smooth wedding, because otherwise why have one in the first place?

I was pregnant. Daddy insisted.

11:38 / 25.09.07

Phone them and explain politely the reasoning behind the non-invite for the ceremony, you could also mention the others who are just coming to the reception too. Its not as if they are the only relations not going to the actual ceremony.

And I would also phone the cousin (the one who started this) and explain the same reasons to them as well.

This is your day, no-one elses.

Page: 1 ... 22 23 24 25 26(27)28 29 30 31 32... 40