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A Shifty Guide To Lateness

 
  

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Jake, Colossus of Clout
04:28 / 29.08.05
Hello, all.

Everyone enjoying themselves?

It's late and I'm feeling shifty. How are you?
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
04:53 / 29.08.05
Hello, Mr. Gnosis.
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
05:05 / 29.08.05
I am having a fine time, by the way.

Having recently (as in, in the last week or so) decided to acquaint myself with old kung fu films, and having just been told by my friend about a horrible zombie-oriented film she had watched, I naturally wondered if anybody had decided to mix genres. My conclusion: somewhat unlikely, since your typical shambling stiff-legged undead probably lack the quickness and flexibility to pull off any super-sweet kung fu moves.

How wrong I was.

I really must find this.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
05:10 / 29.08.05
That looks brilliant.
I'm quite a large kung-fu fan, myself. Quite partial to Sonny Chiba. Nobody punches through people's throats like ol' Sonny.
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
05:11 / 29.08.05
Any recommendations? There's way too much material out there, some direction would be welcome.
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
05:13 / 29.08.05
Also: throat punchings? Sounds intriguing.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
05:28 / 29.08.05
Well, I love '70's kung-fu flicks and I love Sonny Chiba, so the Street Fighter series is essential. Absolutely nothing to do with the video game and said movie.

Sonny is Terry Tsuguri(sp?), an amoral total badass who discovers morality while putting his fist through scumbags' esophagi (esophaguses? Whatever...). They build these fake throats full of hamburger wrapped in painted latex, and Sonny would put his kung fu knuckles right through 'em. Awful special effects and mangled story, but what do you expect? For a modern reference, Sonny Chiba was Hattori Hanzo in "Kill Bill."

Besides Chiba, any Bruce Lee movie is good stuff. Also, the infamous Lee imitator, Bruce Li, actually has some really good movies.

Old Jackie Chan and Jet Li are also good and easily available, but their kung-fu is strictly for the screen (especially Jet Li), so if you like to see legitimate baaaaaad men, they may not be best. Very entertaining either way, though.

On the U.S. side, the only way to go is Steven Seagal, who is a "love him or hate him" kind of guy, but his fight scenes are superb and he's honestly one of the baddest aikido masters around. I suggest "Out for Justice."
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
05:40 / 29.08.05
Seagal is brilliant. Out for Justice is brilliant. The freeze frame after he throws the pimp through the windshield, where the title flashes, is one of my favorite shots of any movie, ever. Also: Gino Fellino? The start of a long series of hilarious names.

Seagal was a staple of the bad movie fests my friends and I used to have in high school. We watched his movies more for humor than as pure action flicks, but it can't be denied that he knows what he's about when it comes to beating people up.

The throat punching sounds even better now.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
05:51 / 29.08.05
I am a Seagal JUNKIE. The scene in "Out for Justice" where he takes out the entire bar full of scumbags is possibly the best bar fight scene of all time. When he wraps the pool ball in the bar rag and starts braining people with it is priceless. "ANYBODY HERE SEEN RICHIE?" I may actually watch that right now. "Marked for Death" was sweet, too. Seagal versus eeeevil voodoo badasses. There's a decapitation bit in there that's worth the price of admission alone.

Sonny Chiba is also a legitimate kung-fu tough guy, too. I didn't mean to marginalise the man. They just had worse special effects back then. He plays a great bad guy in "Shogun's Ninja," a great late-seventies flick. Everything in that movie rules except the music. It is, bizarrely, muzak, but the badass ninja action and sweet old-school plot will make you ignore it.

I just hate fake martial arts movies. Van Damme is my nemesis, even though "Hard Target" was surprisingly quality. He still has no real kung-fu abilities. When you watch Seagal or Chiba, you can actualy believe that they are hardasses (and they are), but Van Damme has to have ridiculous cutaways and replays to make him look tough.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
05:57 / 29.08.05
Hey there, throatpunchers. Got home from work about an hour ago, planning to sleep for a bit, but found I was far too wide awake and it was too sunny. So I've decided to try to stay awake until this evening.
So I'm back on the LS.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
05:58 / 29.08.05
(Edit) Qualifications: Yes, all martial arts movies are "fake." Poor wording on my part. It's just that some martial arts stars were actual masters (Lee, Seagal, Chiba) before they got into flicks, and some learned their skills specifically for movies (Van Damme, Jet Li).

Also, I apologize for my awful prose. It's late and I've been aquainting myself with Mr. Beam.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:00 / 29.08.05
Hey, Stoatie!

I appreciate your resilience.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:01 / 29.08.05
Heh. We'll see if I'm quite so resilient after a few hours and a couple of beers.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:04 / 29.08.05
Well, I'd be right there with you if I had the resources (i.e. Jake is on his last glass of bourbon and the stores are all closed).
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:09 / 29.08.05
I'm not drinking just yet... I'll wait until the pubs are open. Until then it's just a mild caffeine kick for me.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:10 / 29.08.05
You lucky bastard. They're not open for another four hours, here. I don't think I can cope.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:11 / 29.08.05
About four hours here, too... where are you?
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
06:12 / 29.08.05
Van Damme's originally a ballet dancer, isn't he? Or am I just making that up?

I think my favorite Seagal movie is probably On Deadly Ground. In addition to super-badass fighting and him using a soda bottle as a silencer, it's got a totally ridiculous Native American vision-quest thing involving a grizzly bear; it has Seagal facing down a man in a bar and saying "what does it take... to change the essence of a man?" after kicking the shit out of that particular man; and it has a genuinely sincere if charmingly heavyhanded message of environmental protection and racial tolerance. Plus lots of stuff blows up. I did love Marked For Death though. And, for that matter, Hard To Kill had one of the best training montages ever (it's funny how bad Seagal's running form is, when he has such good control over his body ordinarily).

I have to say though, everything he's done in the last few years that I've seen (since Exit Wounds, pretty much), has been pretty bad, often to the point of incoherence.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:12 / 29.08.05
The beer shop over the road's 24 hours, though... I'm trying to resist temptation (I've only recently finished going to counselling for a... hmmm... propensity for drunkenness, shall we say).
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
06:15 / 29.08.05
I am jealous of the both of you and your legality of drinking-ness.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:22 / 29.08.05
No legal drinkiness?
Is this an American "have to be 21" thing, or am I completely wrong?
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:22 / 29.08.05
Vecton: Yes, everything since Exit Wounds is shit. Exit Wounds, however, was fucking awesome- a return to the glory days of the early nineties, with DMX. I liked On Deadly Ground, but that was when he started to get fat and lazy. He really trimmed up and got back on his game for Exit Wounds. There were some awful, awful Seagal movies between Glimmer Man and Exit Wounds. And since. I bought "The Foreigner." Don't make the same mistake. Also, the soda bottle-silencer thing is for real, but it only works for one round. And Seagal has always run like a wimp. Although he would break me in half if he knew I called him a wimp.

Stoatie- I'm in Maine, it's 3:15 here, and the old booze venue opens at 7 AM. Ostensibly for breakfast, but the lobstermen and I aren't fooled. we don't fuck around.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:24 / 29.08.05
Normally the pubs near the meat market near where I work would open at about 6:30... but it's a bank holiday, so the market's closed.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:28 / 29.08.05
Rough. We've got Labor Day next Monday, but tomorrow's safe. I'd venture that Labor Day's safe too, because lobstermen, fishermen and the various other crusty sorts in this town don't give a fuck about holidays, but I'll have to ask the other bartenders.
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
06:34 / 29.08.05
Stoatie- yep, it's an American thing. Though starting this week I will be in London until December (for school) and therefore be legal, but then I will return and not be for nearly a year. I hate to trot out the old if-I'm-old-enough-to-be-in-the-army-and-get-shot-at-I-should-be-old-enough-to-drink thing, but really, come on.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:38 / 29.08.05
Always struck me as stupid, to be honest...

Planning on meeting up with any of us London Barbe-crew?
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
06:40 / 29.08.05
Possibly, though I'm a little wary given my relative n00bness. Still, if you lot will have me, I'd probably be up for it.

One thing I'm looking forward to: British slang! Way cooler than American.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:41 / 29.08.05
Vecton, you're a fellow Mainer, correct? And even in the Downeast area? Damn, I'd have served you at my bar. (Not to worry, there's no stalking involved, I just remembered you posted on Bryan's "Give me Orono info" thread ) Although I'd much rather be a student in England than a Bartender in Maine. This country's irritating me more every day.
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
06:47 / 29.08.05
I'm from Bangor, but since going to college I only spend about one month a year there. (I've started summering in Syracuse, which to be honest is about as lame as Bangor, but the ultimate frisbee scene there's a lot better)(no I'm not a hippy).

It might be youthful cynicism, but the great US of A also annoys me more and more as time goes by. I've got my eye on Ottawa for once I graduate, if I can figure out a way for them to let me move there.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
06:48 / 29.08.05
Ah. bollocks to the "realtive n00Bness" thing... I'd only been on here a couple of months before I starting meeting everyone, and besides... everyone's always up for a beer.

So you guys are in Stephen King country, yeah?
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
06:55 / 29.08.05
I live on Broadway, Stephen King lives on West Broadway, so we sometimes get people coming by our house asking for directions. His house is cool; there's a big wrought-iron fence worked in the shape of bats and spiders and whatnot. The place is huge too. Never been inside, unfortunately.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:55 / 29.08.05
We are indeed. Mr. King lives in Vector's (sometime) hometown and about forty minutes north of me.

You're lucky to have the option to have a beer with all the Barbe-fools. All the ficsuits here seem much more worthy of boozing with than the jackasses at my local establishment, or even the regulars at the watering hole I sling cocktails at.
 
 
Jake, Colossus of Clout
06:58 / 29.08.05
King used to have an awesome haunted house every Halloween, until some asshole vandals ruined it for everyone else. They did a number on his house, and he hasn't done it since.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
07:01 / 29.08.05
Yeah, I can see how that could put him off. There's always some prick who has to fuck it up for everyone, isn't there?
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
07:05 / 29.08.05
Especially given that they probably played or watched baseball in the stadium he helped build, or used the library he helped expand (actually probably not very likely), or benefitted from any of the other who-knows-how-many things he's funded around town. I'm fairly bored of the place myself since I grew up there, but nobody can argue that the town's not a lot better than it would be for having him there.

Hmm, I see it's now past 4 am my time, and I'm going to be ridiculously jetlagged for the remainder of the week so I suppose I will go to bed.

And Jake, you make a good point- I can't help but think that, if I don't manage to connect with some of the crowd, I will be kicking myself for it somewhere down the road.

Mr. Stoat, I suppose I'll see you sometime in the next few months.

Goodnight all. Or morning, as the case may be.
 
  

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