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White boy. Can't dance. Please help.

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01:21 / 22.02.05

My girlfriend wants to go clubbing. Ordinarily, this is the point at which I would end the relationship, but I just can't with this one, so I'm willing to do strange things like dancing in crowded areas. This presents a problem though, as I'm a semi-reformed goth/metalhead; the only dancing I've ever done involved fisticuffs and people bleeding, and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to avoid that sort of thing here.

So my task for you, dear 'lithers, is to teach me how to dance.

01:35 / 22.02.05

Free your mind and your ass will follow.
The kingdom of heaven is within

Open up your funky mind and you can fly
Free your mind and your ass will follow
The kingdom of heaven is within

Brigade du jour

01:40 / 22.02.05

You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out. In, out; in, out; you shake it all about. You do the hokey-cokey and turn around.

That's what it's all about.

01:46 / 22.02.05

Keep on with the force don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough
Keep on with the force don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough
Keep on with the force don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough
Keep on with the force don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough

Sean the frumious Bandersnatch

02:02 / 22.02.05

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind.
Cause your friends don't dance
And if they don't dance
Well, they're are no friends of mine.

We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands!

02:07 / 22.02.05

don't stop 'til you get enough.

oh. damn. done already.

okay, um...

wave your hands in the air
like you don't care
glide by the people
as they stop to look and stare
do your dance
do your dance
do your dance quick, mama
come on baby, tell me
what's the word?

m.

02:10 / 22.02.05

I had an american girlfriend who wanted to go clubbing. Seems it means different things to the americans... I'll never forget the look on her face when I hit my first seal.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

03:28 / 22.02.05

I'm a poor farm boy, and I actually learned how to dance by just doing the "white boy stomp". Listen to music with a very easy to follow beat, and kind of step back and forth to it...after a bit, when you are sure you can follow it, start to play around with it a bit.

If you have a friend who is a good dancer, ask them to come over for a night and show you...but really, the best start is just stepping back and forth and letting the beat get you.

04:03 / 22.02.05

And whatever you do, resist the temptation to imitate John Travolta's performance in Saturday Night Fever. Or you might end up imitating this instead.

04:40 / 22.02.05

I tried the moving with the music thing, and my efforts were rewarded with laughter. I got the feeling that there was a deeper understanding of what I should be doing that I was missing. The theoretical foundations of modern popular dancing if you will.

Thanks for the advice so far. As a sign of gratitude, have a pretty picture:

05:26 / 22.02.05

Hopefully it'll be too crowded to dance much. I am a recovering Exceptionally Bad Dancer. The key thing is to lose your self consciousness (well, for me it was, for you, it's not to hit anyone, and this is secondary). I achieved this by dancing alone, then in public, but not where other people were dancing- (Grocery stores, esp. the warehouse variety, are excellent, as are malls. If someone starts shit with you, then you can hit them.)

The other thing is, clubbing dancing, as I understand it, is rather like having sex with your clothes on or "dry humping" as the kids call it these days. Just let your girlfriend guide you and she'll (hopefully) give you non-verbal indications as to what she wants you to do, and the bass beat should be specific enough that you know when to thrust.

Or, when one is in doubt, Charlestoning is always in order.

06:20 / 22.02.05

Take MDMA. It was invented so that white boys could dance.

06:33 / 22.02.05

Alternatively, give everyone around you MDMA. Then they won't care that you're a white boy who can't dance.

07:08 / 22.02.05

Side note- love the picture- did you do that? I like the little details.

07:22 / 22.02.05

Small hint which has always helped me: It's what your hips are doing that should be in time to the music, not necessarily your feet. Then again, heavy drinking and/or E helps, too.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

07:54 / 22.02.05

The Ten Step Programme:

1. Do not bite your lower lip with your top teeth. (I cannot emphasise enough how important this is.)

2. Do not worry about what you look like. The key issue here is having a good time. If you are having a good time, you can dance like Babar the Elephant and it will be cool. Elegant and funky dance steps executed with grim and focused precision are not cool.

3. There is a rhythm. If you stand still for a moment and feel it, you will start to tap or shuffle to it. Humans do this. Depending on the music, consider using your heel as a hinge, rather than stamping. This opens the possibility of pivoting on the heel a little (perhaps thirty degrees) which allows you to change the angle at which you stand to your partner without appearing to make any effort. Shift the weight from one foot to the other; almost all dance (with the exception of the modern kind usually photographed in sepia) is about shifting weight to a regular beat.

4. Do not bite your lower lip with your top teeth.

5. Unless in a hard rock venue, avoid air guitar except with heavy irony. If you decide to use it, remember that the span of your extended arms at shoulder level is equal to your height, so you need that much space to avoid killing people around you with a karate Hendrix Solo.

6. Remember that groin thrusting has very definite connotations. Get it wrong and you will look like a stripper, Travolta in 'Perfect', or a male rhino in a nature video. Consider it a nuclear option, but do not let this make you afraid to use your hips. There is a world of difference between a little hip twitch to the sides, and a pelvic porking motion.

7. Less is more.

8. Lower lip, top teeth, NO.

9. Your arms and shoulders can dance too. Unlike in martial arts, they can readily be moved outside the centreline and in opposition or counter-rotation to the trunk (by which I mean torso, not Babar's nose), though the main movement will probably still come from the core muscles. Keep some elasticity; don't windmill. You are gently stretching a rubber band which may break, and you're doing it with reference to - though not necessarily in slavish time to - the beat.

10. Get it right, and you may find someone willing to bite your lower lip for you.

How does that sound?

08:23 / 22.02.05

1. Do not bite your lower lip with your top teeth. (I cannot emphasise enough how important this is.)

Actually, I think it's high time we dispensed with this silly shame over the White Boy Overbite. We should own it. We should make it rock.

09:05 / 22.02.05

It works best if you puff your cheeks out at random intervals and frown while biting the lip.

I hate dancing in crowds, but love it alone. I'm terrible at moving, and lose rythms in seconds - but it is great fun. Zone in on the fact that it's just you and your lady, look to move off of and with her, keep it fun, and ignore what everyone else is doing.

I can't stand when you are dancing away and enjoying yourself and some 'serious' dancer is nearby, throwing critical looks your way.

Listen to Marvin Gaye's Got to Give it Up part 1 for tips.

Haus of Mystery

09:15 / 22.02.05

I think Nick's covered it pretty much, but I'd say most important is: follow the rhythm. If you can't follow the rhythm go completely apeshit and dance to the crazy rhythms only you can hear.

11:39 / 22.02.05

Ok, I can do rhythm. I've been playing bass for four years, rhythm is no problem.

Thanks for the tips everybody. I've decided to use the advice in conjunction with a nature show learning style: carefully observe others while trying to seem uncaring and nonchalant, then do the exact same thing as that guy over there, only with out all the lip biting.

Sally- No, I did not make the picture. My brother found it somewhere within the bowels of the internet, and I fear to ask him where.

A

12:30 / 22.02.05

What you need to do is this- rent yourself some movies that are set in the USA at some point between the onset of Prohibition and the onset of rock'n'roll, and that are likely to feature some dancing in them.

Now, in pretty much every single one of these movies that feature dancing, one of the dancing participants will be an African-American gentleman of more than considerable girth. He will probably be wearing a cool hat. This man is your dance instructor.

Watch this guy. He's too big to pull off fancy moves of any sort, but, by god, he's the King of the dance floor. Look! He's dancing with the hottest lady in the place.

He just stays rooted to the spot, shakes side to side a little, and spins his dancing partner all around the place.

Do what this guy does. He gets all kinds of action.

13:36 / 22.02.05

I find that the shoulders are an oft overlooked yet very important part of good dancing. A lot of really bad dancers (including myself up until recently) just don't know how to work the shoulders. Remember they are not the one crossbar-like entity "shoulder", but can shift and shimmy independantly. Get them to dance with each other and the rest of the body will eventually follow suit as a rule of anatomy and gravity.

Other best advice is to get a mirror, a door with a lock and a very large pair of headphones. Keep a critical eye and practice. That horrible animatronic ragdoll will discover all the right moves and techniques for itself.

But then, the last time I was out dancing I got threatened with being glassed so maybe you want to ignore this.

13:44 / 22.02.05

i have to agree with the shoulders - good shoulder control is the key to low-effort hi-impact - if you can pull off something good with the blades everyone will think your best best dance would be a real zinger. if you can bounce your moves between your shoulders and your hips then you can sway and shimmy all around the club, never have to sweat, and leave dozens thinking: 'i bet that smooth cunt's best dance is a real zinger. he's obviously got loads in reserve, but probaby thinks the tunes tonight are too wack to be worth killing the floor for'. and by hometime you'll have won the evening's battle.

20:18 / 22.02.05

I suffered from whiteboydanceitis for years, but when I started taking martial arts classes I found that I had the funk! Martial arts, like dancing, is about moving your body, specifically your feet and hands, in a balanced and controlled manner. Goth club? Try some Tai Chi. Slam pit? Karate will keep you on your feet. Aikido can work for your dirty-dancing needs.

The important part, as noted above, is to remember not to hit anyone, especially your partner.

Martial Arts that lean heavily on kicking are not recommended.

20:33 / 22.02.05

Could be a problem. The martial arts I do are Kendo (and I won't have any sticks) and boxing (again, no hitting people). Perhaps I should just lean back(repeat)?

The part really pissing me off is I took tap, jazz, and ballet lessons for 5 years when I was little. Shouldn't this be no problem for me?!?

20:40 / 22.02.05

The part really pissing me off is I took tap, jazz, and ballet lessons for 5 years when I was little. Shouldn't this be no problem for me?!?

I'd just like to say that this gave me a beautiful mental image of Steve Matin tapdancing on the dancefloor at a club.

That is all. Carry on.

20:41 / 22.02.05

If your really desperate you could just waltz manically.

20:49 / 22.02.05

yeah, what IS it with the overbite thing? I find myself falling into that trap frequently. where did I learn to do that? is it hard-wired or something? what's the evolutionary advantage?

another tip for dancing is, if it's possible, request songs you REALLY like. that makes it easier to get into it.

m.

autopilot disengaged

00:47 / 23.02.05

one word: exoskeleton.

02:30 / 23.02.05

I'm actually a very good dancer, but I really can't offer suggestions for "do this, don't do that". You say you have rhythm, you say you've studies martial arts, you say you're from Texas, so I'm assuming you play sports.

Dancing for the most part is understanding the limits of the body, and like someone above said: less is more.

Do you car-dance? Do you dance at home alone? As stupid as it is, do you dance in front of a mirror? Because you should be doing all these things.

This is crucial: instead of the Overbite™, try smiling. not Kodak smiling, but open-mouth, about-to-laugh smiling. Feign jubilance, the only thing that matters here is image. And also: dance with a partner. Choose a girl who's your friend, but one you have chemistry with. Mimic all those lame chickflicks, and mix in a little Missy Elliot. Mind you, just a little. Think water. Sway.

03:47 / 23.02.05

have you seen that show Spaced? The Irish clubber guy (Spokes?) does a great moronic off-ya-gob-on-disco-bikkies kind of dance that's a lot of fun.

m.

autopilot disengaged

09:37 / 23.02.05

alternately, have you considered dancing *against* the beat?

the beat took yr job. the beat killed yr family.

MAKE THE BEAT PAY.

09:47 / 23.02.05

Yes, try BEATING that beat!

I'd be impressed, and I'm sure your girlfriend would be too.
Try it - you'll probably get a good sexing.

10:11 / 23.02.05

Seriously, though, as a teenager I had a friend who loved to dance and was convinced of his ability. He would spend hours in front of the mirror practicing, performing and admiring (himself). Unfortunately for him, he was the shittest dancer EVAR. So bad that dance floors would dissolve into hysterical laughter the second he began to strut his stuff.
Amazingly, he never seemed to notice.

So, before you opt for the mirror method, the questions are do you know what looks good, and are you dangerously vain?

10:44 / 23.02.05

threadrot

I used to work behind the bar in this club about 10 years ago. Every Wednesday was over 25s night (or "grab a granny night" as it was affectionately refered to).

Instead of the usual dance music they played a kind of 80's disco - not even sure that it was tbh. Anyway, all these old groovers made their way to the dance floor, and one guy - every Wednesday - did the robot dance.

He wore black and white in the classic 80s style and usually accessorised with a hat or a glove etc. He would go to the middle of the floor and start his robot dancing and everyone around him would move away because it was scary. The DJ would always put a spotlight on him and slowly take the piss "hey, look at this guy move - he's got his groove on!" etc.

Thing was, the guy in question would take all this attention - the spotlight, the circle around him, the people taking a (sarcastic) interest - and think it was genuine and carry on with greater vigour. Poor guy.

'Squite funny at the time though.

/threadrot

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