Barbelith Underground > Conversation > The Instead Thread [PICS]

well.
BLOGs are a bit of a one, arent they?

mine is here.

although, technically, its mike's.
and it sorta stopped being very bloglike a while ago.

RIGHT.

sorry i have been away, it has been a necessary part of the evolution of AssGroove in my sofa. there have been movies to rent, cartoons to download, and all sorts of other things that are not posting on this place.

i would work on a concurrent groove over here at the PC, but the chair is really fucking hard wood.
pine, but fucking hard after a session or three.

so.
mike was talking hip hop to me earlier.
for some reason i thought mike hated all that Urban/Street/Need-Another-Euphemism-For-Black music, but it turns out i was being racist.
or wrong. yeah, maybe just wrong...

but yeah.
so i turned his little white ass on to some of the music that tickles mine pink, and i thought i should share.
it's all about the 'gift of gab' and the 'lyrics born' dudes.

and then.
today, in an suituation both unexpected and perfectly prepared for, i was the victim of an attempted robbery.
while at work, delivering coffee and cakes to the local art school.

jakey #1 (who shall be known henceforth as What A Fucking Twat, or WAFT for short) decided to try the ole 'distract' while jakey #2 (his drunken buddy, we shall call him Bad Breath) went for the 'dip'.

"aww, big man, gonnee sor' wis oot wi some cakes?"
says WAFT.
"cunnuh no huv wan?"
he inquires.
"how cunnuh no?"
he adds.

"No, i am delivering them to someone who actually paid for them, sorry."

as he then began muttering even less intelligibly, i have to admit to having tuned him out.

this is when i feel what i at first thought was an indecent proposal from BadBreath.
he was in fact going for my wallet, and not my arse. while neither are his to take, i am more immediately fearful of his ability to escape with the former.

i spun round, pushing him away and beginning what is commonly known as the SHOUTING.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU UP TO?
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE YOUYR HAND IN MY BACK POCKET?
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

and other such witty bon mots.

as he is leaving the scene (WAFT seems to be the instigator of this move), BadBreath decides to go and throw the remains of his Super Lager over me.
i scream something about hoping he wanted to drink that, and that i hope he resalises he is a terrible thief who now has no way to buy more. i may have used swear words.

as he is leaving, his protestations of innocence that had risen up to meet the shouting alter subtly.
goaded by my shouting
"great job, only i still have my wallet. you didnt manage to steal it."
he spits some shite about how he
"nearly got it, but!"

this, i feel is where his keen sense of the pertinent legal boundaries had become blurred.

as i mentioned to both BadBreath and WAFT at the time, nearly doesnt count for shit.
as i mentioned to the officer i bumped into only one minute after this all happened, i believe he had as good as admitted his crime to a crowded street.

i then had the pleasure of seeing the men walked back up the street, where we met.
the policeman, the two would-be artful dodgers and i then waited for backup to arrive. the backup took ten minutes, a long time when you are being screamed at by some prick claiming to be the only scumbag with a legal team the size of monty burns'.

apparently i can expect to lose my job when they are put to work on me. pressure will be applied, so it seems.

FEAR THE HAND OF WAFT.

we, now three officers strong in our company, then waited another ten minutes while the meatwagon came to pick up the perp.

during that ten minutes, WAFT took to talking to the policeman really loudly for my benefit. this was punctuated with occasional glances to make sure i was watching (of course i fucking was... it was great TeeVee without the box!) and at one point a lengthy aside to me urging me to
"remember this face".

perhaps he was unaware i gave the copper a description, and that is how the dozy fuck was caught.

meanwhile.
i have been shopping for mobile phones this last week.
tell me what phone i should buy, please, and although i will ignore, i will do it in a really fun way.

in other news.
i am not stoned today, and it is resulting in a an almost obscene increase in my workrate. see this post.