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Underground > Comic Books >

How would you make Spidey’s identity secret again?

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Dark side of the Moonfrog1

08:21 / 05.06.07

Let’s be fair, give it a few months (two years tops) and Marvel will decide that Peter Parker’s identity being public is one ‘genie’ that needs firmly placing back in its bottle. One assumes this will be in a super-spectacular way that will inevitably break the Internet in half… So let’s pre-empt the House of Ideas and play a quick game of pretend editor. How would you retcon (yuck, yuck, horrible word eurgh!) Spidey’s identity being public?

Personally, I think the Sentry has given them the perfect get out clause.
In the first Sentry mini it turns out that Reed Richards had created a machine to make everyone forget the Sentry existed. I reckon it would be pretty easy for Reed to rejig this device so it broadcasts a signal to make everyone forget Pete is the webbed-wonder. Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy, and has the added bonus of not relying on dues ex machina gods, magic or cosmic stuff.

Any other ideas on arachnid retraction?

08:49 / 05.06.07

Superboy punch!

More seriously, they'll probably find a way to reset the Parker-corner of the MU to a time past. Which time past is up in the air, but I'd imagine it to resemble the movies. And it would just be Spidey-titles effected, aside from some mysterious hints or injokes coming in other titles where he guests.

Is there still a bunch of totemic business going on with Ezekiel and spider-goddery? That could do it, I'd think. A curse or blessing from the 5D spider-deities.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

11:49 / 05.06.07

Didn't Tony brainwipe the entire planet once to protect his secret identity? And couldn't he just do it again in a fit of remorse?

13:40 / 05.06.07

Spider-man will get swopped for Blue Beetle in a cross universe soccer match secret wars tie in, and no one will know or care who either person is in their new worlds...

13:48 / 05.06.07

the most popular theory is the Loki will have something to do with it. a while back Spider-man helped Loki with a problem and Loki said that he would return the favor one day. this was during J. Michael Straczynski's "Amazing Spider-man" run. He is currently working on relaunching "Thor" so there might be some tie-in.

Shiny: Well Over Thirty

14:58 / 05.06.07

I'd probably use hypertime. Peter David was playing with something that was Hypertime in all but name in Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman last year - and it's been implied that the events of that story would eventually cause instabilities between 'hypertimelines', so the groundwork has already been done.

15:17 / 05.06.07

There's the compelling theory that the Free Comic Book Day Spider-Man was in continuity, except that it takes place in the near future instead of the past or present.

Thus the sequence of events:

Loki (or whoever) agrees to erase everyone's memory of Spider-Man's secret identity, but it's an all-or-nothing proposition. Aunt May and Mary Jane will also forget, but it's a sacrifice he has to make for their safety. Peter and MJ spend "One More Day" together and then memories are erased.

Now, it's been said that Mary Jane's known Peter was Spider-Man since day one, and that's the reason she became interested in the boy in the first place. So if MJ never knows Peter = Spider-Man, they never get together and never get married. Hence marriage retconned out, hence Joe Quesada is happy because apparently married people are boring and the only imaginable interest that comes out of romantic relationships is sexual tension.

Mary Jane's time with Peter has taught her that superheroing sucks sometimes. Now that they were never together, Mary Jane retains her infatuation with superheroes and signs up for Stark's Initiative, donning a fantastic 70s-style Marvel costume and calling herself Jackpot.

Swingin' single Peter perhaps gets himself a new girlfriend but finds himself attracted to this new superhero in town and there is THE TENSION!!! New status quo.

That's how I figure it probably will go down. As for what I'd do left to my own devices, I'd just as soon have the White Phoenix "amputate" the Civil War timeline and we all just get on with our lives. Or Spider-Man and the Thing have a Marvel Team-Up and hijack Doom's Time Platform to go back and knock out Nitro before he blows up that school. And then they go out for drinks with Bill Foster and everyone's cool.

Hallo, Paper Spaceboy

15:22 / 05.06.07

Just as long as they don't try to pull off what happened to Wally West when he was in a simiilar situation -- having the Spectre erase everyone on the planet's memories of Wally being the Flash -- including his. It's pretty much the same situation and I could see them duplicating the "Peter can't rmember he's Spider-Man"-type idea.

Uatu.is.watching

15:25 / 05.06.07

Maybe they should just replace Spider-Man with a clone.

Regrettable Juvenilia

15:31 / 05.06.07

I'd just as soon have the White Phoenix "amputate" the Civil War timeline and we all just get on with our lives.

Uh, if we were getting on with our lives, why would we care? Why can't we get on with our lives anyway? Is Tony Stark stopping us?

Hallo, Paper Spaceboy

15:39 / 05.06.07

Ssssssh! If he hears us say anything about it, it's straight to the mindwi---where am I?

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

15:49 / 05.06.07

I think he stays public, stops wearing a mask and joins the New Fantastic Four along with She Hulk and a lovable, not at all on fire, robot. The third member of the team would be a mysterious man who later turns out to be Captain America, because the one who got killed was actually a re purposed Nick Fury robot.

15:59 / 05.06.07

Why can't we get on with our lives anyway? Is Tony Stark stopping us?

Of course not, no.

The skrull that's been passing himself off as Tony Stark for the last twelve months or so is another matter though, surely?

16:00 / 05.06.07

Uh, if we were getting on with our lives, why would we care? Why can't we get on with our lives anyway? Is Tony Stark stopping us?

Inasmuch as my life sometimes used to involve me buying fun new Spider-Man comics, I guess he kind of is.

17:54 / 05.06.07

When was that, though, John? I mean main-continuity Spider-Man, not the McKeever, Parker or Bendis flavours which are unaffected by skrull-Tony &c. Has Spider-Man actually been any good for... at least fifteen years or so, and I may even misremember any perceived quality with the rose-hue visor-tints of youth?

I think there's the potential for a bit of drama at least with the current scenario, and it is a genuine 'how the hell is that genie going back?' one so I'd like it to be prolonged for as long as possible, really, if only to spare the inevitable wittering moans when it is redacted to no-one's satisfaction.

03:56 / 06.06.07

For me personally it comes down to whether or not Spider-Man comics are "fun" over whether or not they're "good." There's a chunk of books that came out between the end of the clone saga and the Byrne relaunch that I found to be cheap, simple fun, but nothing in that run will ever be held up as Great Moments in Comics Storytelling.

The current fugitive-Peter-on-the-run status quo isn't fun, and unlike stuff like "Sins Past" or spider-totem business, you can't just ignore it. It's the kind of thing that hangs around for a couple of months and has to be dealt with, whereas the Gwen Stacy controversy you can just sort of file away as "bad idea" and move on to the next story.

Janean Patience

08:58 / 06.06.07

Elijah: I think he stays public, stops wearing a mask and joins the New Fantastic Four along with She Hulk and a lovable, not at all on fire, robot.

Y'know I really hoped Barbelith, of all places, would be somewhere we could leave these reflexive and idiotic prejudices behind us. What, so just because a robot's "on fire," as you judgementally put it, then that robot isn't worthy of love? It's not enough that an android was cursed with continuous, agonising self-immolation by its creator, we all have to punish it further by withholding even the most basic human affection? Just because someone's burning up on the outside doesn't mean their heart couldn't use a little warmth. Hug a flaming robot today.

09:09 / 06.06.07

What, so just because a robot's "on fire," as you judgementally put it, then that robot isn't worthy of love? It's not enough that an android was cursed with continuous, agonising ...

Androids are not the same thing as robots.

Moderators, can we have this person banned?

09:29 / 06.06.07

Being as hir JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT ANYTHING?!

Janean Patience

09:38 / 06.06.07

Androids are not the same thing as robots.

Oh, so now I'm the racist? Fuck you over-sensitive Barbelith letting Grant mOrrison down mechanical clanking bastards are all the same

Shiny: Well Over Thirty

10:14 / 06.06.07

For me personally it comes down to whether or not Spider-Man comics are "fun" over whether or not they're "good." There's a chunk of books that came out between the end of the clone saga and the Byrne relaunch that I found to be cheap, simple fun, but nothing in that run will ever be held up as Great Moments in Comics Storytelling.

The current fugitive-Peter-on-the-run status quo isn't fun, and unlike stuff like "Sins Past" or spider-totem business, you can't just ignore it. It's the kind of thing that hangs around for a couple of months and has to be dealt with, whereas the Gwen Stacy controversy you can just sort of file away as "bad idea" and move on to the next story.

Have you checked out Peter David's Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man? It's the only Spider-Book I read and it seems to be doing what you want. It's basically a fun, light-weight old fashioned Spider-Man book - and while the Civil War and post Civil War stuff has been touched on a little it's been ignored as much as PAD could get away with, so it might just be what you're looking for.

10:27 / 06.06.07

Why bother fabricating a reason? Why not just start writing it as though he has a secret ID and ignore all the soon-to-be-inevitably-retconned events elsewhere? I don't know why anyone bothers trying to keep track of the different universes, timelines and events, can't we just have people having adventures in their own title? It's crossovers gone maad I tell you, too many crises spoil the broth.

12:19 / 06.06.07

I think that once every year or so someone should say 'hang on, this isn't right' and then the scarlet witch screams and gets shot with an arrow and then the world reverts back to normal for a few months before something happens and someone says 'hang on, this isn't right' ad infinite gauntlet...

12:37 / 06.06.07

Impaling people with massive godlike powers never fixes anything. Hawkeye can fire his Longinus arrow all he wants, but Wanda will just keep on being nuts. And the last thing we need is more impaling murders of superheroines.

Peter Parker should just wake up one day and realize it was all a dream. Give us two panels of metatextual winking and then carry on. If any reader questions the new continuity, they can just say 'Look, Hawkeye's back!' and hope it distracts.

But that wouldn't be a giant seasonal spectacular.

So: Doom's time platform. Get old Tony back. The slightly saner, oddly leftwingy technologist who has no problems mindwiping the planet. Then, use him to get Spidey's identity under wraps. And no teen anybody. No teen Tony. No teen Peter. And definitely no clones. Unless they're cloned from unflaming robots. Make the continuity-watchers and fanboy cataloguers explain that one in a grim/gritty realworld context.

Regrettable Juvenilia

12:57 / 06.06.07

Really I think any treatment you guys is going to come up with needs to be in this level of detail (WARNING: SPOILERS for Heroes season 1 finale) to be taken seriously.

*gouges out own eyes*

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

13:30 / 06.06.07

I love you Flyboy, in only the way I could love a not at all on fire robot.

ARE you a not at all on fire robot?

13:53 / 06.06.07

By the way kids, that link goes to the end of the Heroes (US) thread. Which is great for those of us watching in the UK as the episodes come out.

14:23 / 06.06.07

Have you checked out Peter David's Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man?

I've been reading that book on and off, and it is generally a good time. I quite enjoyed the story with the Spider-Man of 2211 because I'm a sucker for superhero-meets-future-counterpart. I didn't know how much the more recent books would tie into sad mad Spider-Man, so thanks for the recommendation; I might have to give it a look.

I also pick up Spider-Man Family whenever it comes out; the "Amazing Friends" story was my favorite Spider-Man comic in a long while.

Janean Patience

14:37 / 06.06.07

Elijah: I love you Flyboy, in only the way I could love a not at all on fire robot.

One day, possibly soon, you're going to walk into a bar and meet the most stunningly incandescent burning robot you've ever seen. It'll be there, knocking back sambuca with a flash and a roar, an attractive whiff of petrol drifting across to you, the dance of flame across its soot-scarred metallic body inflaming your passions, and you'll walk over and drop some quip, try to catch its smouldering eyes and say "You're hot. Can I get you a drink?"

And it'll reply, in crackling artificial tones, "I read that shiznit you wrote on Barbelith. Get out of here, loser, before I burn your ass." And you'll leave, head bowed, the fire at your back receding until you hit the cool street and taste your own regretful tears.

Then your best friend, who's always been more tolerant of artificial intelligences with heat exhaust issues, will hit on the robot and they'll totally make out.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

15:02 / 06.06.07

What Endless Love Said, especially the end bit

Replace the on fire robot with people I have been in love with and any reference to Barbelith with the phrase "You are such a good friend" and that covers about 6 years of my life.

Back on topic.

I have not read any of the Peter in exile stuff, but what is going on with MJ and Aunt May during all of this? I would imagine they would be in some secret prison or something while someone slaps them around trying to get Peter's location. This is part of why I don't read much Marvel any more. If this isn't the case I might give it a look.

As far as a retcon goes, when was the last time a Watcher broke his sacred oath? I think we are about due for one of those. Although in my version someone (maybe Peter himself?) would find a way to go back in time to the moment he was bitten by the spider, trying to stop spiderman from ever existing. Of course, something goes wrong and it turns out that MJ is bitten, thus rewriting Spiderman history.

Flash Thompson is killed by Normon Osbourne instead of Gwen Stacy. No Clones, EVER. Peter and Gwen are now married and spend all kinds of awkward scenes trying to hook MJ up with their single pal, Eddy Brock. Peter is still a photographer well know for his pictures of Spider Woman, what he doesn't know is MJ makes sure he gets pictures of her while she is fighting crime because she wants to help him be successful. This could be fun, you know, the way Spiderman used to be fun.

Hallo, Paper Spaceboy

15:11 / 06.06.07

I just imagined the Watcher flailing about as some flail while watching movies - "Don't go in there! Don't go in there! The killers in there!" - and generally shouting at his omni-screen before giving up and switching over to watching the New Universe.

Personally, I want Spider-Man to stay outed so we can see Puny Parker dealing with being a celebrity, Flash Thompson's inevitable existential crisis (unless he's already had one?), and eventually going off to join a reborn X-Statix. Okay,

Regrettable Juvenilia

15:42 / 06.06.07

Aunt May got got, son. Kingpin said she had to go. She in the ICU now.

Aha! I am Klarion

15:57 / 06.06.07

no offense, but as per this topic.

"Que, gives a shit!"

The time of Spider-man's vitality has long since passed.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

16:17 / 06.06.07

You know, I hope they do retcon it or whatever so that Peter Parker is single again because that won't do one thing to improve sales or stop the fatbeards moaning ('Stop the Fatbeards Moaning', the new single from Morrisey, out Monday!) and might make Joe Quesada shut up for a minute and stop saying stupid things.

Janean Patience

17:13 / 06.06.07

Reboot the whole universe, I say. Turn it off and turn it on again. It's not like there isn't a history of it. Reality's always being changed and restarted. After a while surely the big brains of Marvel are going to look at it as plastic, malleable, one more option for them to explore. So yeah, once Reed Richard decides enough's gone wrong that we need another version, he writes on and we start again. Spider-Man's identity being secret again one of the more minor changes.

I still can't see why they didn't stick with the House of M universe. Was it so bad?

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