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Well, there’s a few things going on with me right now, so rather than split them across the various Convo threads I thought I’d stick them in this here fine thread and, while we’re at it, ask the board: How’s It Going, Barbelith, One Year Later?
Anyway. My Dad’s been in hospital recently, and, while it’s a good thing that he’s home now I don’t seem to have experienced anything but a very temporary relief that’s quickly moved into concern about his aftercare, and about whether he’s going to take care of himself. I’m worried about him. I’m worried about his ability and his desire to look after his own health and this past month has really brought home how under-equipped we (the family) all are to do it for him on a daily basis. And I don’t really have any answers on how to change that.
Almost incidentally, there’s another ongoing situation that, while I can’t really go into details, results in me wanting to attach cheese-graters to my hands and go out and vigorously exfoliate very specific people every time there’s some new development. The fact that I can’t do anything to help this situation is gradually depressing the fuck out of me, basically, and periodically sends my blood pressure skywards. Not very helpful or productive a feeling, but it’s still there.
I’m moving in with my partner in a few days. After a stressful year of feeling out of place a lot of the time it’s definitely one of the things I’ve been looking forward to. At the same time there’s also some doubt as to how it will work out and how much our different routines are going to have to change. But it is at least a hopeful sign. I’m currently sitting amidst crates of books and not much else. In the past I’ve always had that sort of momentous feeling when moving, that however illogically this change of residence would define the next stage in my life, and that’s curiously absent with this move. I don’t know if that’s because if there are other things going on just now, because it seems less of a choice and more due to a kind of momentum that’s built up behind me, or just because I’ve done it a few times now. Anyway, it’s happening in a few days so, so I can’t exactly bail now.
I do like my job. It exasperates me on a daily basis, it tires me out more than it should, but I think I’m doing something worthwhile. Last week I had one of those moments where I realised that not only did I like it, but that I was increasingly good at it, and that I liked being good at it; a small moment of semi-professional pride. My job does not make me hate my life. Sadly, it’s not really taking me anywhere quickly either, and maybe more importantly it’s slowly but surely nudging me towards penury, so I’m job-hunting. I’m hoping that whatever I do next feels as rewarding.
I’m tense to be honest. The good and happiness causing things that have happened recently, and that I’m thankful for, don’t seem to arrest this basic state of tension for very long, this feeling held down by circumstances. Hopefully some of the changes coming up will do something about that, and I’ll feel a little more able to do some of the things that seem to have got mothballed. It’s been a difficult year for various reasons, so it’s probably ok that everything’s a little strained. I seem to spend a lot of my time at the moment sorting and organising large piles of Stuff that never seem to be finished. I think that as time’s went on that’s led me to believe that if I can reduce wasted space, eliminate needless activity, edit out the passages that sag, if I can maintain this constant chipping away at the things that act as a drag on my time then at some future point I’ll achieve some essential level of momentum and spatial dynamics where I’ll stop ploughing away underwater and break the surface. I don’t know, maybe that’s just hopelessly naïve or misguided, it’s just seemed like the most workable strategy recently. My (basically optimistic) internal Talking Heads soundtrack has shifted to repeat playing ‘Houses in Motion’ lately: restless activity, trapped energy, trying to persist, get the head down, trying to cleave to an idea that it’s all going somewhere, having faith that gradually the small victories will turn the tide of battle. Maybe that’s the coffee talking. I’m drinking too much of that as well.
As to Barbelith… Don’t know about anyone else, but certainly one of the things that’s eroded at my own good intentions in terms of adding to the board is the feeling that if the board’s going to go the way of all good things and people are dropping off waiting for the next thing then inevitably there are going to be decreasing rewards to actually posting anything here of substance if it’s all going to be forgotten. Personally, I think most of my expectations for the place have gradually changed from thinking of it as a potential site of an all encompassing, idealised discussion into hoping it continues in some form where people are basically friendly towards one another and there’s an occasional chance to discover projects like The Guild of Scientific Troubadours that (so far as I know) you aren’t going to find anywhere else. On the one hand there are people describing current activity in terms of flies circling a corpse, on the other, I think it was Haus that recently described the need to keep good things happening on the board so that there’s still a group of energised people who want to stick together in existence by the time a new board comes along, and that seems to me to be the most hopeful attitude to adopt. As there does seem to be this feeling that the community is definitely going to be changing or moving, I’m mainly just hoping that we manage to make our remaining time here as productive and worthwhile and who knows? as joyous as we can. |
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