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My good friend Grant Morrison and I often discuss, in our regular and mammoth drinking sessions that have so far left several major cities on fire, the weird obsession that many comic book readers have with a weird obsession with bumming.
Not saying that any of our readers are weird, 'cept for Morrison's beardy bum-boys. Not that Grant's gay! Hell, no!. He and I have watched enough man-on-woman porn together to know that he is 100% flameproof hetero, just like me. I mean those in what I laughingly call the comics fraternity (no brother of mine would be THAT UGLY, shitbeard) who don't generally appreciate the subtle, adult themes that both my good friend Grant and I work into my comics. I mean our comics.
So, just to lay this to rest once and for all, here's the complete comics Brown Eye Code:
1) There's nothing inherently wrong with being gay. Not only have many of the characters I have written been gay (and their homosexuality has been sensitively treated and in no way used instead of character development), but some of my best friends have also been gay - hey, wouldn't you be if you had to be near me on a regular basis, eh? Makes "coming out to the pub tonight?" a bit of a loaded question, eh? Eh?
2) However, if you are gay, horrible things will happen to you. This is just comic books reflecting REALITY, which is what they should do. So, it could be a brutal bashing (and not just of the bishop, like on a _normal_ Friday!), or it could be some virulent form of futuristic AIDS. Or it could be that some other person - what we call in the trade a bad gay - will bumsex you against your will.
3) Note that, while good gays may also do bumsex, it is not the job of a sensitive and gay-friendly comic book creator like me to force people to confront this. We "keep it in the gutters" - JUST LIKE IN REALITY! As such, any bumming that may go on in the comic will be instigated by the forces of Evil, and the good gay will be in some way powerless to prevent it.
4) There is NOTHING queasily erotic about being entirely helpless as a big man does unspeakable things to you. Nothing. If you think there is, I don't want you reading my comics.
5) Thankfully, because there is justice in comic books, and I as Britain's leading coomic book creator (only in sales, Grant! No need to blub!) take my duties to a tolerant and multicultural Britain very seriously, the bad gay will be punished in a narratalogically satisfying way. If bashing has occurred, the superhero friend of the bashee will track down the basher and beat him up. The moral lesson will be delivered subtly and almost subliminally with clever words like this:
Is this how you think he felt? Helpless, afraid? That little knife of yours isn't much good against DIAMOND HARD SKIN, is it? Did he run, too? Did that excite you? Did you get off on it? Another man, a man whose only crime was to love other men, in front of you, cornered... was he breathing heavily? Did he beg? Is that what you like? Men begging while you stick it into them? Well, I DON'T.
Beatdown to follow. Note that the one exception to this is Northstar, because nobody gives a shit about Northstar. Space AIDS is regrettably incurable (to cure AIDS would be to trivialise a real and painful problem. Thus, while you can have Wolverine injected with it and recovering thanks to his healing factor, having the antibodies he generates extracted and used as a cure is tacky and unacceptable), but guarantees a heroic death saving the world or at the very least an ethnically and culturally diverse group of children. Bumcrime, sure as night follows day, will be revisited upon the perpetrator tenfold. If that strict multiple means bummurder must happen, well, you can't argue with the rules. Even iconoclastic comic book enfants terribles with a ten-issue streak on Wizard's hot list have to do the right thing.
So, hope that's helped. Until next time, poo believers, make yours Milllahahahahahahahah.
Ahahaha.
Ahhhaha. |
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