Sorry about the length of this.
I wonder sometimes whether a strong interest in magick serves a similar purpose - distancing oneself from creeping disappointment or feelings of underachievement in more 'mainstream' spheres of living - but, instead of obtaining significance through the thrill of persecution, the magician gains his sense of power through the theoretical framework itself ("I may seem insignificant, but I exert my influence on the magickal plane").
Yeah, that more or less perfectly describes what I was like for a 3-4 year period that ended about 7 months ago. The strange thing is that I wasn't aware at all of what I was doing wrong, and it took some help from a few people before I could realize it.
There's not necessarily anything wrong with using magick as a means of feeling good about oneself and one's place in the universe. I do feel, though, that - as with the committed conspiracy theorist - the paradigm can be a devouring one, particularly where social skills are concerned. I've met several magicians who are, basically, rather timid people who seem singularly ill-equipped to deal with normal human interaction, and I can't help but think magick has provided a refuge from the messy world of human contact, a refuge which has become a ghetto, but a ghetto to which they stubbornly cling.
This aswell. The more I tried doing magick thinking I was bettering myself, the worse things often got. (sometimes things worked, but not very often. More of a fluke chance when it did work.) I think what happened with me was that I was pushing for a realization of something, something that would completely change the way I was, but nothing arrived. I had to look at the other aspects of my life in the end before I saw that the work I had to do wasn't so much magick as it was staying away from magick for however long it took, and sorting out some of the problems I had, that included stress, paranioa, and agoraphobia that the magick was just making worse. I guess it was like someone or something was saying "hey, this isn't what you need right now, stop doing this." But I had my ears covered and couldn't hear a thing.
I don't know how much this happens to people getting into the occult, but it's something that I'm interested in quite a lot too, because it could be where a lot of problems come from for young occultists, especially those without teachers.
Aaanyway. What do other people think? Does this seem familiar, or am I perhaps overgeneralising from my contact with a subset of the magickal community? Also, do Temple-frequenters feel their magickal practice waxes and wanes in direct or inverse proportion to their sense of achievement in other areas of their lives?
It was familiar, a little too familiar to me. I wasn't far from cringing when I read it because it brought back some memories. With the waxing and waning, yes, whenever I was fortunate enough to have a few things going well for me in other areas, whatever I was calling my practice at the time would work a lot better and I'd feel more confident all around. My mind was a lot clearer when I did some magickal work aswell, and that's one of the things that can often decide how well a working goes.
Something from a book called The Witches Qabala came to mind as I was reading the thread aswell, that might be of help :
'The Vice of Yesod is Idleness. Teachers will recognize this. How often have students who first worked very hard in their studies suddenly refused to put forth any further effort? This often passes, of course, but if it doesn't, the students do not advance. They remain in the Treasurehouse of Images, bemused by what they see, accepting it as truth. They are convinced they have found it all and do not need to travel further. There is no further need for work or study. They know it all. Not for them the uphill climb, the soul-searching, the struggle to know their true Self, the striving for growth and change. They have flown to the top of the mountain, and see all, know all.
The Illusion of Yesod is Security, and that fits quite well with this attitude. In order to grow, you must change, and change is frightening. People at this stage believe they are secure; their foundation is firm. They have achieved everything that is needed, and none of that frightening change is necessary.
...
This may seem a strange way for idleness to manifest itself, but if students are instant adepts, have acheived instantaneous cosmic consciousness, they won't have to do all that horrible studying and hard work, will they? The Sphere of Illusion makes it easy for them to convince themselves.' |
