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How do you refer to your 'Significant Other'?

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14:25 / 28.07.05

I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years now and I’m not entirely happy with any of the standard ways of describing my relationship to her.
The default is ‘girlfriend’, because that’s how it starts, but after half a decade, and since we live together and feel – to most intents and purposes – married, girlfriend doesn’t feel quite right somehow.

In some formal situations, where the commitment and stability of our relationship seems pertinent (bank stuff, for instance), I’ll refer to her as my ‘partner’. And, in fact I’ve tried doing this more generally. But it can sometimes be misconstrued to mean (a) business partner, or (b) more commonly, boyfriend.

So what are the alternatives? I’m asking this partly in case anyone in roughly my situation has found a good solution, but mostly because I keep reading inventive alternatives here. I remember Olulabelle talking about her use of ‘Beautiful Man’ and I remember Nina making me laugh with some amusing variation on the ‘Creature from the Black Lagoon’, but there have been lots of others. And I like them. Please share.

14:40 / 28.07.05

"My bitch". I jest, of course, but apparently that's what tweenage boys are calling their girlfriends these days - sans irony.

The daughter of my one of my SO's friends studiously avoided talking about boyfriends around her mum for months because she knew mummy wouldn't appreciate the current terminology.

As for me, I think I'm moving into "partner" territory. We live together, we depend on each other emotionally and financially and we're about to be parents. Somehow SO and GF don't cut the mustard anymore.

14:44 / 28.07.05

Sometimes partner, sometimes boyfriend ... it's true, there's no easy, suitable answer that defines the relationship. Bidey-in?

14:47 / 28.07.05

Either my Dearly Beloved or my Young Man.

Neither goes down particularly well in the bank, though.

14:48 / 28.07.05

I use boyfriend but that seems like an odd way to describe 1) a 40 year-old and 2) the love of my life.

I also use partner but that sounds a bit clinical and bit like I'm trying to hide the fact that Im gay, y'know?

I use "other half" a lot but that's not great either...

14:51 / 28.07.05

Cringe at partner and boyfriend, though use them both - it's also the kind of smug proprietary implication of the 'my' that grates. Increasingly use his name and let the context explain. This is perhaps a bit presumptuous but sometimes it's good for people not to be spoonfed meaning. I like the gender-ambiguity of 'partner'.

On a tenuously related note, I had the pleasure of sitting next to an Irishman at a work dinner who was talking about men being unable to express their emotions, then looked pointedly at my ring finger (bare) and said, in all seriousness, 'but you wouldn't know anything about that'. That's right, unmarried women know nothing about men. What???

14:57 / 28.07.05

Surely she meant that, since you weren't married, you had the freedom to choose to hang out with those men who are able to express their emotions?

I'm pretty much with warewulf on this one. I tend to say "partner" because it sounds more grown-up, but I try to say "girlfriend" because it sets people, um, not-straight, as quickly as possible. The technical term is actually True Person, but I don't use that in casual conversational references for obvious reasons.

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:02 / 28.07.05

Peter Purves.

15:05 / 28.07.05

Better half, when online.

Wife, in conversation with strangers.

Big mama (or by name) when among friends. She calls me big daddy on her blog. I love that.

I have a thing against calling any woman/man over a certain age girlfriend/boyfriend. Sorry, but if you have grey hair, you have a lady friend or a gentleman friend at the very least.

Tryphena Absent

15:08 / 28.07.05

I use all of the terminology I can lay my hands on, a boyfriend here, a partner there but mostly refer to my erm as *********mylove (that would be his full name in stars but not the middle name because that would ruin the pentameter), which tends to clue people in. I also call him in this manner in public frequently. So it's versatile.

15:10 / 28.07.05

It was a he (erm, Irishman?), and I don't think he was that sensitive or concerned for my well-being.

I was musing this afternoon on 'other half' which resonates well with me in concept if not in the generality of its colloquial usage. (i.e. it is sullied through use by hoi polloi, who OBVIOUSLY have far less meaningful relationships than I with the other half of my cleaving-into-unity soul, and therefore unsuitable. Otherwise I should happily adopt it.)

15:12 / 28.07.05

I agree with you, Psych. I don’t like the connotations of ownership that goes with the ‘my’ thing either, but I don’t have much hope of getting rid of that. Shame that ‘the wife’ or ‘the girlfriend’ has its own problems.
Interesting that you think ‘partner’ can be seen as hiding the same sex thing. I think it has pretty strong gay associations, which is part of my problem with using it (being all het and that).

I like ‘Bidey-in’, Ariadne. Do you think it travels?

As for the age thing, my girlfriend quite likes ‘girlfriend’ for that reason. Similarly she thinks ‘wife’ would make her feel old. How old is too old do you think, grant? How long have I got before this problem becomes more pressing? My brother, for example, says part of the reason he got married was so that he could stop referring to his early-thirty-something partner as his *girl*friend.

I can't bear 'other-half' because it suggests that individually we're not complete people.

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:22 / 28.07.05

by hoi polloi

tois pollois

15:23 / 28.07.05

Have to say, I'm not a fan of Other Half or Significant Other either.

Other Half does have that suggestion that I am, when alone, but a limping, poorly formed shadow of a real person, and for some reason Significant Other just gives me the creeps. It sounds like the sort of coded language used by private detectives or something, to mean a sinister person with whom I fraternise in a suspicious manner.

Boy/girlfriend is very twee and doesn't quite convey the gravitas of our shared bank account and lodgings, and partner just seems to confuse people.

How's about Snuggle-bum? Universally understood, although of course not gender specific...

15:24 / 28.07.05

No, I was actually thinking it hides the opposite sex thing. I'm a lady (stepping out with a man) but I like challenging the assumption that het is Normal and therefore something people naturally and proudly emphasise. Or something. (Something definitely not being 'woo I might get girly for you' titillation.)

15:25 / 28.07.05

'My associate and I...'

15:26 / 28.07.05

It! or "The Weight".

Tryphena Absent

15:29 / 28.07.05

Because I have a very Southern English accent I can't use other half, it either makes me sound very, very public school or like I'm trying to do some impression of a midlands brewery worker.

15:30 / 28.07.05

I'll say girlfriend or roomate... or "ahem...significant other" with italics...

mostly simply by name & let people figure out the details.

15:32 / 28.07.05

Sorry, Psych, I was addressing Warewullf’s comment on the same-sex connotations of ‘partner’ (I didn’t make that at all clear).
I suppose I quite like the fact that it is ambiguous, although I have a feeling it’s more commonly understood as gay, rather than neutral. But I suppose there's only one way to change that.

15:37 / 28.07.05

Damn (racks brains, steps tentatively towards parapet, head exposed but dignity intact having resisted urge to protect via googlification) ablative.

And there was me being all proud of not having tautologised. Damn you Barbelith with your instructive pedantry. I don't want to be RIGHT, I want to be ME. Censor me again with your corrections and I'll just... leave.

15:41 / 28.07.05

I think that the gay associations of 'partner' come from the assumption that if you're straight you'll happily betray gender, and if you're gay you'd rather be ambiguous. I guess it's the underlying 'shame' implication I want to challenge.

16:09 / 28.07.05

How old is too old do you think, grant?

It feels weird to me when it's people my parents' age (in their 60s/70s), and only marginally better in the 35 and up set. It's the "girl" and "boy" thing, too. I like using those terms for people, but only in a goofy way, otherwise it seems somehow demeaning.

I'm also pretty happy with my feelings of incompleteness. I don't mind it, I think it's what makes me human. People who *really* feel complete wind up like Tom Cruise, I think -- the search is over, you know, I am total master of all I survey.

(I don't think that's what any of you folks were necessarily implying -- you probably have different definitions of "complete" than I do.)

16:14 / 28.07.05

It was a he (erm, Irishman?), and I don't think he was that sensitive or concerned for my well-being.

Sorry for the opaquery, Psych (and sorry, Irishman, for getting your preferred gender pronoun wrong) - I thought about putting "joking" in brackets there but then didn't, but I was. Joking. Though probably in one of those ways that don't make much sense unless you know what I was thinking in my head when I wrote my post, for which, as I say, sorry.

16:18 / 28.07.05

No apologies necessary whatsoever. I'm far more concerned about the rusty hue of my ancient greek.

Whisky Priestess

16:28 / 28.07.05

I don't mind girlfriend when applied to me, but I do hate the word boyfriend a lot, and avoid it as much as possible. It just sounds, I dunno ... so callow and adolescent. Like I'm twelve and have just achieved the hand-holding stage or something.

But partner is dreadful and husband*, husb, boyf, SO, other half etc. are all cringeworthy.

So my descriptive of choice is lover. Emphasis on the r. Loverrrrrr ...

*unless actually married

16:46 / 28.07.05

"Right", usually.

16:57 / 28.07.05

I say fiancee because it's technically correct, girlfriend around younger people and partner to people who don't know her. I don't particularly like 'partner' but if only queer people use the term it becomes a synonym for 'gay lover'. I use partner as a favour to the queer community I suppose. Hope you all appreciate it.

Is there a non-polyist term? 'One of my partners' is a dead giveaway innit?

On the other hand 'hetero-lifemate' is good (from Jay and Silent Bob) and best is her name of course.

17:01 / 28.07.05

So my descriptive of choice is lover.
That's fine if they're called 'Xavier' or something, but try saying 'This is my loverrr, Dwayne' (or Dwaynetta of course)

17:17 / 28.07.05

"Special Ladyfriend" in most forms of polite conversation.

"Fuckmuffin" after I've had five or six drinks.

18:17 / 28.07.05

'My young friend.' Though admittedly not if they're in the room at the time.

18:58 / 28.07.05

"Ducky"

19:02 / 28.07.05

I too hate using the phrase "my boyfriend," though I do use it. I often employ "SO" for internet shorthand but it's not something I ever say in conversation. I have to confess that I tailor references to him depending on my audience. For example, for my business I sometimes bring him along to move/transport furniture pieces, and I just use his name or maybe 'friend' or 'roommate' (though never in front of him, that would be rude). I just think bringing "my boyfriend" sounds too juvenile for a business owner, and I fear making my customers wonder 'what kind of teenage rinky-dink operation is she running....' I also, when I was talking to breeders about buying a puppy would tell a little white lie and call him my fiance, because I think "boyfriend" connotes instability sometimes. And also, a lot of the breeders were in the rural South, and I'm very sensitive to people judging me for 'living in Sin' as it were. Not that being engaged would make it less apalling in their eyes, I suppose.

19:34 / 28.07.05

I use "girlfriend," but only because I'm waiting for a better description to come along.
She calls me her fiancee or huspband when speaking to people outside the sphere of friends and family. I dislike the institution of marriage, but given that we have a 2-year-old daughter, and given societies' general opinion of unwed mothers, I have no complaints.

I do have to admit to a certain glee in explaining to people that, no, we aren't married, we're living in sin, but I also recognize that, as a male, the stigma is considerably lessened.

19:50 / 28.07.05

"Fuckmuffin" after I've had five or six drinks.

That sounds so deceptively cute...

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