On the "not cool enough" aspect....I too feel this sometimes, even as I am seen as a pretty hard player in the men's leather community, and as a pretty deeply grounded person (according to others, at least!) in my spiritual path. I mean, geez, I have never done a hook suspension! I think this notion comes from a place where there is so much exposure to BDSM as a commodity - whether that is in workshops, play events, or even books. (Disclosure - I am a member of Raven's community, and one of my techniques got a paragraph in the book.) Frankly, the complicated stuff can be explained at length (and needs to) - there is your workshop or book. The shiny stuff needs to be sold - there is the play party aspect, and the subjects for "demos." But I swear to you - the most intense stuff is not visible to the casual outsider, the consumer, the shopper. Which is not to say it isn't visible - I was holding space and co-breathing on a rather intense scene (holes being poked) last year - I was hands off, but an account of who did what to whom with what implements was irrelevant to the breath, the song, the crying and the laughter. And a few weeks back, I was delivering a strapping/whipping to a person, with a third watching - and that third energy was very much part of the mix, even while not obtrusive - in a sense, that third person was standing in for the Witnesser who penetrates with hir attention, receiving, feeding, affirming the efforts of the other participants.
And this past weekend, I was top in a scene which turned into a catalytic scene, not by my planning. I was hosting the men's play party at a leather event, and needed a 'party-starting' scene to get things going. The bottom was very experienced in bondage, and not into pain. A random comment about the 70's TV show "Land of the Lost" and being captured by the sleestack (sp?), tossed lightly between other players, was heard by him. That comment recalled him to the reasons and original stimuli which drew him to bondage in the first place - childhood TV shows. (Wild Wild West - can I get a witness?) That was coupled with some slightly, teensy pain/sensory stuff I did with the disposable wartenburg wheels that are my new fave must-haves. This slightly jaded, seen-it-all/got-it-on-vid bottom turned a personal corner when the line between negotiated bondage and having control completely removed (in a trusting situation) was shifted right to where he was. I think for him it was finally a submission that his body had been stretching for all these years.
To the external viewer, I did a very simple standing position, restrained within a frame, and spoke with him quietly, and ran wheels over his body. Pretty boring for them - he was rarely even half-hard. But in that simple scene, I reached his edge, led him there, and wiped away years of his accustomed, predictable experiences.
So what I would say is, if you feel like you are not cool enough, please take a look at who you are comparing yourself to. Realize that your 110% will not look like someone else's 110%, and that anyone who judges BDSM cool-factor is either putting on a performance of some sort (which is fine - just a very different goal) -- or they haven't been to the places that you're lighting out for. |
