| |
|
Boogaloo, you've given me an idea. You've already proved your at least passing familiarity with Prince, so I recommend the following:
Search all your local pubs until you find one (I don’t know, let’s call it ‘The Hope’) with a jukebox enlightened enough to feature the ‘Purple Rain’ album. Hopefully it won't be a shithole. But that’s pretty unlikely.
Get the lyrics to the album off the internet or something (or failing that try a music shop - I mean, it sold 15 million copies).
Get your Beloved down there for a night of your usual drinking and endless chat. Just when you feel that ol' passion start to rise (and I do mean at that precise moment, neither just before nor shortly after), stand up calmly (even if she's mid-sentence - she may think you're being rude but she'll be enthralled all the same), walk over to the jukebox and put on track 3 - The Beautiful Ones.
Stand looking at the jukebox as the song starts, just maybe tapping your foot when the beat comes in, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES look round at her until the lead vocal starts.
WHIP ROUND AND MAKE EYE CONTACT, mouthing (NOT, I repeat - NOT singing) every word of the lyrics to her. During the first verse, walk slowly towards your Beloved, still mouthing the words. You’ll find them eerily appropriate to your situation, I expect.
When the song gets all emotionally overwrought and spectacular towards the end, this is when you really cut loose – I want you to climb up on to the table, maybe even the bar itself, mouthing every Princely screech and yelp and writhing around like a banshee. Eye contact with your Beloved after this point becomes somewhat negligible, as you ought to have closed them in your hysterical musical ecstasy.
As the song finishes, you need to end up curled in a ball at her feet, perhaps stroking her toes, but certainly gazing into her eyes with a facial expression that conflates puppy-dog subservience with single-minded, unbridled desire.
I imagine you might be thinking that I’m taking the piss out of you here Boogaloo, but believe me I’m not. Doing all the above exactly as I’ve instructed will clarify two very important things. Number one – it’ll show her that you really do love her, because look you’ve just made a prat of yourself and you really don’t care. Number two – it’ll show YOU that you really do love her, because look you’ve just made a prat of yourself and you really don’t care. |
|
|
