Ok, time to get off my ass and write down a coherent account of my beliefs. This is going to be a rather lengthy account of "the beliefs in my life", so don't read it if you don't want to. I think I'm writing it more for my sake than yours. Of course, if you do read it, I will be hugely flattered and will respond, at length, to any question or comment you might have.
Let's get to it.
I started out, in my childhood and early youth, an indifferent atheist (although I had an extremely active imagination). This I blame on three thing:
1. I was raised in a completely atheistic household. My mother working for a socialist union, my grandfather being nothing less than a communist. I had next to no religious influence of any kind.
2. The only religion I had any contact with was christianity. I have always thought, and still do, that this particular faith makes next to no sense. It is riddled with odd and obviously erroneous beliefs. I could never really take it seriously. (Despite this, I have always liked churches and often visit them, although I dont stay for service)
3. I was, and am, very interested in science, and science and religion have a rather strained relationship. (duh!)
So, my first semi-religious (and also magical) experience came when I was about 14, I think. My and my friends were into Warhammer, a game, wherein you command armies of modelsoldiers into battle. I had the Chaos horde as my army.
The chaos army consists of huge, nasty warriors, weird beasts, and the occasional demon and all of these worship one of four Chaos Gods.
As we became further addicted to this hobby, we decided to hold a tournament among ourselves. We were 4 or 5. One afternoon before this tournament, as I was walking home, I decided to strike a deal with my favourite of the gods.
I simply spoke out loud as if he could hear me, and explained that I wanted to win the tournament. I argued that since I was playing with his army, it would really be in his own best interest to help me win.
Need I say what the result was?
It wasn't an earthshattering event, since my scepticism was rather firmly set, but it did get me thinking a little.
Fast forward a few years to 10th grade. I started reading about religion and magic for the first time. The book that got me started was Dion Fortune's Psychic Self-defense. I remember being exhited about the idea that magic might actually be real and not just fantasy. I got a bit into buddhism also, and acquired my first real religious mindset: a blend of buddhism, some undefined monotheism and various magical ideas. It was rather unstable and was not exactly consistent, but, hey, it was a first draft.
Jumping to early highschool, where I first met a representative of the religion that would have a real impact, a Hare Krishna devotee. (please don't laugh at me)
Really, the Hare Krishnas have a form of monotheistic hinduism with a rather austere outlook, except on food  . Basically, it fitted well with the ideas I already had, and it gave me a more solid framework to pin them on.
This became my identity for the following years.
During this time, I had one very powerful experience during mantra meditation. I suddenly felt extremely light, happy and peaceful. It felt like I was flying, so much so that I actually looked down, just to assure myself that I was not indeed hovering.
At the time it was very convincing, and I have later wondered, based on that experience, if perhaps I was too hasty in removing myself from this faith.
However, on reading RAW's Prometheus Rising, I came across a description of a fifth-circuit turnon. That clicked immediately, and I have since reinterpreted the experience within that ideastructure. I haven't completely disregarded the possibility of another explanation, but I now think of it mainly in circuit terminology.
So, maybe about two and a half years ago, I started getting kind of "restless". I found myself thinking more and more in terms other than that of my faith, which was rather unsettling at the time.
I went to the temple less frequently and increased my reading of "outside the canon" books. This continued for a while, until a year and a half ago, when I started at the university. My identification deteriorated very rapidly, as I was now among a whole new group of people, who didn't know the old me.
I started some serious soulsearching, and I realized at least one of the problems: I wasn't completely following the rules, I wasn't practicing what I was preaching (figure of speach, I didn't talk about my faith unless people asked). Especially the regulation regarding sex (complete abstinence) was a problem. I wasn't following it, and more importantly, I realized that I didn't really want to.
I came to the conclusion that I was at a crossroad. Either I had to get serious, follow every command and simply surrender myself to god, or I would have to cut the strings and no longer (claim to) follow the religion.
I dropped god and never looked back.
Once I had made the decision, I found that the various beliefs I had thought were so important to me became meaningless. Maybe it was due to the fact that I had been wrestling with this for some time, but I was still surprised that the old ideas didn't put up more of a fight.
It became a lesson in belief shifting, something which I soon learned about, since my interest in magic started up again after its long hibernation (It's a sin to use magic. If you want something ask god).
And so, this gets me pretty much to where I am now. I don't believe in god, but I'm not entirely sure either way. If he exists, I'm no longer sure we're on the same side. The only remains from my religious period is me being a vegetarian, but I no longer think of this habit in the same way. I used to be very strict, almost militant about it. Now, I consider it almost more a habit than a conscious choice. I think I could go back to eating meat without major problems of conscience, but I don't see any reason to.
I now view my sordid religious past as exactly that, sordid. I don't mention it to people, and I think I would be a little bit embarrassed if they cornered me on the subject. However, I do not in any way regret it. I've learned a bit about myself, the least of which is not that I can make mistakes, be an idiot, act like a bastard, without that necessarily making me a bad person (at least, I like to think I'm not a bad person). I've softened, with regards to how I judge other people, because of it.
Essentially, I think it was a "phase" I needed to get through. To make my acquaintance with faith and how it can affect your perception and thought as a part of myself, rather than simply observing it in others.
Presently, the only relation to gods I have, is if I work with them from a magical perspective.
Thanks for bothering, if you did bother. |
