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Barbelith Top Trumps. Lots and lots of PICS.

 
  

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Bed Head
10:03 / 19.11.04
Okay kids, another go at a set of Barbelith Top Trumps. Here’s the first 11. If it’s a success, I’ll draw another 12. I’ve done the drawings, but I’m not a writer, so creative input from all you highly original wordy types is required to make them into *proper* Top Trumps.

...and here’s what we need. Each card you do needs a score for each of these categories, and some fabulous text, preferably in this format:


[character name]

STRENGTH - [score between 1 - 9. Use of fractions is encouraged.]
MAX SPEED - [score between 0 - 750 mph]
FOOL TOLERANCE - [1000 - 10,000]
FUNK RATING - [percentage score]

[then, 150-200 words on the character]


Here’s the first three:

Anna DeLogardiere:

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Our Lady of the Flowers:

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Sally Dammerung:

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Bed Head
10:04 / 19.11.04
Smoothly Weaving:

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(Golden Age) Tannhauser:

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Mordant Carnival:

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Bed Head
10:05 / 19.11.04
Stoatie and Mono:

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Olulabelle:

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Suedehead:

 
 
Bed Head
10:06 / 19.11.04
Deva:

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Jack Fear:

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...aaaand that’s enough for now.

Just the four categories, and tbh I’d suggest the values are pretty irrelevant. Surely no-one sane cares about the _game_. It’s all about the blurb, kids. Having only four categories means more space on the card for all you writers to wax lyrical about what superheroes they all are, rather than quibbling about who’s really the cleverest. Taking a step away from the reality-based sphere ‘n that. Fictionalise your friends. For fun.

So, four ratings, and some text. Which is the most important part. Try for 150-200 words - and no more, unfortunately, otherwise it won’t fit - for each card you do. And, whatever you want: an origin story, a legendary case, or a description of their powers or special moves. Whatever. Something brilliant.

And after this thread has run out of steam, each of the subjects can pick whichever of your interpretations they like the best, whichever they feel best describes them. So, you’re fighting to catch their eye with your writing ability, snowflakes. And then I’ll lash together the pictures and text into some proper card designs. While I’m drawing another set of 12 for you to get stuck into. If you want, like.


Okay, so. Go.
 
 
Grey Area
10:23 / 19.11.04
BedHead, I am once again in awe of your artistic talent.


Golden Age Tannhauser

STRENGTH - 5 (+0.67 for every person who has picked a fight with Golden Age Tannhauser in the last week)
MAX SPEED - 600mph
FOOL TOLERANCE - 1000 (Golden Age Tannhauser will tolerate fools as long as he finds them amusing. This tolerance can cease without warning, at which point subtract 173 tolerance points for every fool tolerated)
FUNK RATING - 98%

Golden Age Tannhauser is a collosus of intellect, a rapier of wit and a hammer of the board. Drawing on near limitless sources of knowledge, G.A.T. can argue coherently on any topic with the endurance of a prize stallion. G.A.T.'s wrath is best avoided, as he is quick to strike down those who think that a loud voice and repeated posting of the same argument is a way to win a discussion. G.A.T. knows how to use irony and (more importantly) can define it too.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
10:46 / 19.11.04
Hee! I must quickly salute the awesomeness of the art here. And I have to say, I'm slightly jealous of Stoatie's badger. Why does that sound wrong? That picture is fantastic.

MAKE IT A COMIC. Not enough comics with giant galactic badgers manned by Pirate-dudes.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
10:49 / 19.11.04
Those are absolutely stunning. And you want us to write blurbs for these people? You've done it all with the pictures. That's like those little cards at museums underneath some massive rusted broadswords and lachabers saying 'weapons, large, 14th Century'.

Nooo, Jim, the engines willnay take the pressure!
 
 
Grey Area
11:19 / 19.11.04
Olulabelle

STRENGTH - 3
MAX SPEED - 741mph
FOOL TOLERANCE - 4000
FUNK RATING - 65%

Olulabelle is an organiser, a planner, a dreamer and baker of cakes. When she speaks, others listen. When she plans, others participate. And when she bakes, the heavens open up and choirs of angels sing their praises. She heals through compassion, dreams and love. Hedgehogs like to live in her garden.
 
 
Jack Fear
11:28 / 19.11.04
I have already declared my unclean love for Bed Head in a private message, and I declare it now, here for all the world to see. Fill me up with your little babies, you magnificent, lovely beast.
 
 
Nelson Evergreen
11:35 / 19.11.04
Bloody hell. Those are insanely good. Have you a website where we can see more of such smartness?
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
12:13 / 19.11.04
Totally.
Fucking.
Awesome.

(The pictures, that is. I wasn't providing my own text there.)
 
 
Bear
12:59 / 19.11.04
Stunning cards, every one of them.

These need to be made into a proper set of cards, pub fun!
 
 
Saveloy
13:03 / 19.11.04
Astonishing stuff! Please tell me, Bedhead, that you are being paid millions of quid to do this sort of thing all the time?
 
 
Bed Head
13:21 / 19.11.04
Blimey. I’m totally loving all these compliments, and thank you all, you lovely, special people, but I’m really hoping you’re all going to be pitching in with some blurb soon. I’m coming from the standpoint that the *only* thing wrong with the Bizarro Barbelith thread was a lack of pictures. Hence this thread. Think of it as a collaboration in the Marvel style: make like Stan Lee, kids. Stan Lee on Dr Strange, even.

If you want. But there must be a squillion different ways of interpreting each of these pictures. You’re writers! You’re wittier than God! I am BEGGING for your COLLABORATIVE INPUT!

(And no, sadly no website, no millions of quid. Hm, I really should sort such things out for myself. But, squeee! Compliments from all of my favourite posters! Friday afternoon, and I know I’ve already had the highlight of the weekend. You all rock.)
 
 
Ethan Hawke
13:45 / 19.11.04
These are magnificent.
 
 
Persephone
14:06 / 19.11.04
I LOVE Suedey with his cats. That is just right.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
14:55 / 19.11.04
Wow. Those are beautiful.

Will be back with blurb once I've stopped goggling in awe.
 
 
HCE
16:20 / 19.11.04
How about millions of quim. (If that means what I think it does.)
 
 
grant
18:07 / 19.11.04
Dude, those are freakin' awesome.

What words, what words....

Jack Fear is too easy (although right now, he's reminding me of Daredevil in 1602).

Mordant Carnival

STRENGTH - 3.5
MAX SPEED - 20mph/instantaneous (teleportation)
FOOL TOLERANCE - 5,500
FUNK RATING - 76%

Itinerant soothsayer and sorceress Mordant Carnival travels the world's byways and backroads in search of esoteric secrets. She is guarded constantly by two or more spirit allies, who warn her of danger and crack rude jokes in mysterious dialects. Because of her energetic nature, all attacks on MC using electricity or electronic devices are subtracted by half. She is capable of astral projection, teleportation, and her macabre musical devices can exert hypnotic control over anyone with a Fool Tolerance of 7,500 or more.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
18:13 / 19.11.04
These are quite simply brilliant and amazing, evidence of a considerable talent to put it mildly... Have you ever drawn any comics, Bed Head? Would you like to? What are you doing with the rest of your life? I think I might have spent mine thus far waiting for YOU.
 
 
Jack Fear
18:14 / 19.11.04
Back off, bitch, I saw him first!

(Okay, so I didn't. But oh, how I wish.)
 
 
grant
18:30 / 19.11.04
First dibs to those who write descriptions, you losers, so back off!

I've got some projects in need of illustration *somewhere*. And if I can't find them, I'll make more.

Seriously, as well, if you're interested in doing professional illustration for a goofy tabloid, PM me. We don't pay much, but we do use pitchers from time to time.
 
 
grant
18:45 / 19.11.04
This thread has also made me hunt up the old references to this idea.


Which are kind of amusing.

Hmm. Didn't Persephone make something similar? They weren't called Top Trumps, but I remember some cool card designs....
 
 
sleazenation
21:00 / 19.11.04
I feel a pressing need to inform you all Mordant is really one of the three bald mute sitting outside the caravan, however i won't tell you which one...
 
 
Alex's Grandma
21:05 / 19.11.04
Smoothly Weaving;

Strength - 3.2 ( but he's working on it, he'll have you know )

Max Speed - 775 mph

Fool Tolerance - Low 6000's

Funk Rating - 62%

Viewing the filthy city from his penthouse apartment, watching the cars go around and around, Smoothly Weaving occasionially deigns to leave his collection of rare exotic plants, vintage champagne and top drawer cigs in a bid to make sense of a meaningless world. This hurts him a bit, as he puts on the leathers, the shades and the beard, and wearily asks for the 'hog' from the basement, resigning himself to a couple of jars in The Intrepid Fox, but his committment to truth and justice is such that he's prepared to put up with any amount of re-listens of Silver Machine, if that means he saves lives.
And so it goes on, night after night, as this lonely hero, in the strange neon wilderness that abutts Leicester Square, tears round the streets on his mission of mercy, hard rock blaring out the in-bike system. In a very real sense, business in the City, especially round Christmas, would cease to exist were it not for the efforts of Smoothly Weaving, but he does not judge, he just deals with the traffic, and the bouncers and so on, the aggrieved adult dancers, and he gets them back home, these future captains of industry, before retiring, round Four, to muse at length on the quite boring follies of modern existence, over a soothing couple of drinks.

Because it's just, y'know. something to do.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
21:53 / 19.11.04
Dude. These are awesome.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
21:59 / 19.11.04
Stoatie

STRENGTH - 4
MAX SPEED - 12 / 35 (Badger-enabled)
FOOL TOLERANCE - 8,724
FUNK RATING - 112%

BACKGROUND:

Totally.
Fucking.
Awesome.
 
 
TeN
22:32 / 19.11.04
FUCK, DUDE!
These are niiiiiiiice!
I must say, you are very talented. Have you ever considered doing comics, or character design for movies or videogames? Because honestly, this is really profesional looking stuff... and so creative!

(P.S. after a little over 6 months of being a member of barbelith, seeing all of these names and only recognizing three of them has made me realize what a noob i really am)
 
 
Whisky Priestess
23:03 / 19.11.04
I second, third and tenth people's expressions of awe and admiration. How much do I have to pay you to do me?

And I love that Tann is levitating tiny wuffly shrews. God is in the detail ...
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
01:52 / 20.11.04
Are you sure about these categories? I mean, "Funk"? I dunno, man. What ever happened to "Punchability"?

Sally Dammerung

STRENGTH - 1
MAX SPEED - 3 / Mach 8 (Flight)
FOOL TOLERANCE - No one really knows
FUNK RATING - %82

When the dogeys are doped-legged in the canyon, and the skies let out a hell of water, for whom do the cowpokes cry? Sally, that's who.

When the men are home all day because the factory's closed down, and the kids are a-hollerin' and that goddamn Bill O'Reilly is all over the TV, on whom do the wives rely? Sally, that's who.

If your credit's bad and your feet are sore,
If your significant other is a fucking bore,
Call on Sally
Call on Sally

She's good! She's your pally!
She brings destruction unto the halls of Valhally!
Call on Sally!
 
 
Jack Fear
10:34 / 20.11.04
Mm. The ability categories that I proposed, when Bed first e-mailed me proposing the idea, were

Ubiquity
Reputation
Wit
Knowledge (Practical)
Knowledge (Magickal)
Knowledge (Technical/Theoretical)
Knowledge (Trivial)
Vehemence
Radicalism
Profanity
Fool Tolerance
Crap-Filter


...Which I suppose is an awfully complicated system. But then, I have been playing a lot of Dungeons and Dragons lately...
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
11:05 / 20.11.04
You play Dungeons & Dragons? Jesus, that might be the weirdest thing I've heard all week and I'm not even sure why. This is like the time Todd told me he had a brother & I got all "What is this world of liars?"

Anyway, here's what Barbelith can do and here's what I can do. Barbelith can PM me ratings from 1 to 5 in the following categories for each trump that they feel qualified to rate:

Ubiquity
Wit
Knowledge
Vehemence
Profanity
Punchibility
Originality
Reliability


I will use these scores to calculate each trump's attack, speed, defense and dance scores. Don't worry, I can weight the data to reflect the opinion of the general population. I learned all about it earlier this month.

I have eliminated these categories - for these reasons:
Reputation - This should be calculated from other scores
Knowledge (various) - All this hair-splitting, fie on it.
Radicalism - A very loaded concept and sort of beside the point
Crap-Filter - I'm not sure what this is
Fool Tolerance - This is a negative rating--I'm not sure how it would cause the trump to interact with other cards--and also there are many Barbelans whose fool tolerances are quite difficult to measure.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
11:08 / 20.11.04
I wonder if I don't mean "Coherence" when I say "Reliability".

I know, I know, they're two completely different words. I have a very complex mind, okay?
 
 
Jack Fear
11:37 / 20.11.04
[rot]

You play Dungeons & Dragons? Jesus, that might be the weirdest thing I've heard all week and I'm not even sure why.

It gets weirder: I play with my daughter, who is eight... And my wife and my brother-in-law and his wife, who are all mid-thirties.

See, we all played D&D when we were in our teens, but not for many, many years. My daughter reads the Yu-Gi-Oh manga in Shonen Jump, and there was a long plotline about a D&D-style game, and she was just fascinated. We (that is, D and I) started talking with her about our own experiences with such games, and she was dying to try it for herself, and none of the neighborhood kids seem the type to be into that sort of thing—there was one boy who seemed likely lad, as he and his mom were both big fantasy geeks, but alas, they moved away a few months ago—and so...

I mean, if you'd told me six months ago that I'd be playing D&D again at my age, I'd have laughed you out of the room. But it's fun, and it's a great chance to (a) get together and enjoy a home-cooked meal with the in-laws, and (b) do something creative with Claire.

[/rot]
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
11:39 / 20.11.04
Actually, Jack, that's pretty cool. It's still weird, though.
 
  

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