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Let Me Be Your Life Coach

 
  

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Matthew Fluxington
16:59 / 03.10.03
Nick, I'm the Life Coach here. You don't know what the hell you're talking about. I've been on Oprah twice, and I will be appearing again in late November. I am a very well respected Life Coach, and I have worked with many people who are now living fulfilling, happy lives with my assistance. I love Barbelith, and offering my advice here is my gift. Why do you wish to tarnish that?

I think that Todd should never speak to this woman again. She has wronged him, and he is now free from her. He should not let her try to win him back through her mindgames. She only wants Todd's seed so that she can keep him forever. She is sick.

Todd needs to start acting like a real man. He needs to explore his sexuality, and his artistic side. Nick, you apparently just want to stand in the way of Todd's happiness.
 
 
pomegranate
17:06 / 03.10.03
i know i'm not flux, but todd: don't drink w/dinner. don't don't don't.
 
 
pomegranate
17:07 / 03.10.03
and nick and flux, thanks for the advice, i'm thinking about it.
 
 
Cheap. Easy. Cruel.
17:19 / 03.10.03
Flux she might have made some mistakes in the past, but what makes you think he was an angel? I think you are standing in the way of true love and need to just step off the tracks before you get run over! Perhaps Todd is the one who is sick for trying to run from his heart?

*swivels head*

Honey, I am Oprah. What are you talkin' 'bout?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
17:31 / 03.10.03
Tt. Nobody likes you, Steelwelder. Go away. You're not being funny. This is a serious thread for life coaching, not some crazy joke.

You're not Oprah. You're just some sad little man.

Anyway, you don't know Todd's ex. You have no idea.

Who wants some more advice? Let me be your life coach.
 
 
Cheap. Easy. Cruel.
17:41 / 03.10.03
So, flux, you are suggesting, in your infinite life coaching wisdom, that he should go start a relationship with someone who views him as a father figure?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
17:44 / 03.10.03
No, it's not about father figure nonsense. It's about how Todd should only have cheap sex with girls who are a bit younger and hotter than him, who may think he's hotter and cooler than he really is because they just don't know any better. It's a lot better than having cheap sex with a woman who nearly destroyed his life and only wants to have him impregnate her in a moment of weakness so that she can control him forever.
 
 
Cheap. Easy. Cruel.
17:46 / 03.10.03
Oh, well then. If it is all about cheap sex, then my original protestation stands. Go forth and spread thy seed Todd!
 
 
Persephone
17:47 / 03.10.03
Todd's only in his late-mid-twenties! He'd have to date zygotes to be a credible father figure...
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
17:52 / 03.10.03
Oh, God, no! Todd shouldn't "spread his seed", for a host of reasons. He's a free man now, the last thing he needs is the hassle of impregnating someone. Todd should ALWAYS have protected sex! You don't want him to get more VD, do you?
 
 
Cat Chant
17:55 / 03.10.03
Thank you, Persephone! (And for using the word 'zygotes', as well.)
 
 
Ethan Hawke
18:18 / 03.10.03
I don't even know where to begin with Flux's willful and harmful exaggerations and downright lies. (1) No-one almost "destroyed" my life. It was nothing so dramatic. It was just two people growing apart. (2) It would be impossible for anyone to think that I'm 'hotter' or 'cooler' than I am (3) I've never had a venereal disease.

I think Nick is right and that Flux is trying to live vicariously through me. Either that, or he wants to confuse me so much that I end up sleeping with him, which I suspect has been his dastardly plan all along.

And Persephone, I don't think I should make out with my ex. Because then I would probably end up sleeping with her, and that would really be toying with her feelings, which I've decided I should do less of now that we're broken up and don't live together anymore. I probably shouldn't be making out with anyone right now.

How did this become a thread about me, anyway?.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
18:26 / 03.10.03
No one needs life coaching as much as you do, Todd. You're a confused young man in his mid-late twenties.

Todd, you need to be honest with yourself. You're projecting all over the place! You need to come to terms with the fact that your exgirlfriend nearly ruined your life. The best thing that has ever happened to you is breaking free of her deathgrip. She brought you to your knees, and only with my help have you been able to pull yourself away from the brink and put your life back together again.

You're the one who was telling me all about your desire to experiment with your sexuality; don't go pegging that gay stuff on me. I encourage your homosexual urges. I think it's healthy, and kind of cool. It's the kind of cool you need, honestly. I keep telling you that you should reposition your identity as being like one of those chic metrosexuals from the tv.

Todd, I will send you a catalog of various hairstyling products and skin treatments. We can talk about this over tea at Dean & Deluca later on, alright?
 
 
w1rebaby
18:28 / 03.10.03
I think you should have known that the heroin thing was a joke. I mean, if you quit your job, how are you going to buy heroin? It's not like you can really burgle anywhere with one leg. Even ground floor apartments would be difficult, unless you pick the front door lock. And then, what if the occupant comes back? You're not going to be able to escape like that, unless the occupant has only one leg. Or no legs. You could restrict yourself to burgling people with the same number of legs as you or fewer who live in ground floor apartments, but are they likely to have good stuff? It's just a bad idea all round, and I'm sure Flux would have known that.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
18:30 / 03.10.03
Fridgemagnet, I think you might be the one on heroin here, because Todd has two legs. That scag is making you loopy, son.
 
 
w1rebaby
18:33 / 03.10.03
Don't tell me he fooled you too. I can't believe everyone is falling for it. It was perfectly obvious to me the first time I saw it.

Tap on his knee with a pencil - it makes a sound like a woodpecker.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
18:33 / 03.10.03
Finally Flux tells the unvarnished truth about something. I have all my limbs, and none more.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
18:37 / 03.10.03
Fridgemagnet, I'm afraid I can't offer my life coaching services to you because I think that only doctors should have to deal with junkies like you. But if you kick the habit and get off the junk, I'd be happy to give you the guidance you need to succeed.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
18:38 / 03.10.03
It's nice to hear that you acknowledge your powers have limits.
 
 
w1rebaby
18:40 / 03.10.03
Fine. Don't believe me then. But we'll see who looks stupid when all the facts come out.

Some people just can't accept what's staring them in the face.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
18:50 / 03.10.03
Flux, you are so wise.

Tell me how I should become famous as a writer and actress: I've been trying hard to make it on my own merits, but I'm beginning to think I ought to just shag someone more famous in the same field (Martin Amis, Toby Stephens, Colin Farrell, etc.) and get known off their back.

Thoughts?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
18:52 / 03.10.03
Whisky Priestess, I'll need some background information about you before I can give you accurate advice.

For starters, what are your measurements?
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
19:45 / 03.10.03
Flux, I believe that I'm in need of a life coach, as well. Here's the situation: I've returned to school after a long absense (and, prior to that, years of changing majors like clothes) and, as you may know, I am now studying to be an elementary art teacher. Now, at the time that I decided upon this course of action, I thought it would be quite a rewarding career choice. Yesterday, though, I was hanging out in the park, eating an ice cream cone, when I noticed a group of children playing on the playground. At first, I watched them w/a sense of awe and wonderment, thinking fondly back to the days when I was that young and innocent. After a while, though, I began to regret that those days were past, and a feeling of resentment began to rise up in me. The children's high pitched cries of joy began to feel like a pencil being slowly driven into my brain. I'm ashamed to say that I ultimately threw what was left of my ice cream at one of them and went into an inadvisable tirade about how the little fuckers didn't know how lucky they were. And of course the father of one of the kids had to get all bent out of shape and beat me up. Anyway. One black eye and one shame-filled night later, I'm beginning to wonder if I should reconsider my current goals. Can you help me?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
20:02 / 03.10.03
Deric, I think we can both agree that children are our greatest natural resource. It is up to our educators to instill in them knowledge and a love for culture which may eventually make them useful and likeable human beings one day. So I believe that you should stick to your guns, and continue on this path.

Let's face it, children can be frustrating little bastards, especially the ones who are obviously not making the most of every moment of what are clearly the best days of their lives. I understand why you snapped, but you need to remember that you need to control yourself, if just because those parents who will not beat you down may choose to press charges, which can be far worse.

Deric, perhaps children are not the best age group for you to teach. Have you considered teaching art on a collegiate level? I think you'll find those students to be far less insufferable, and that it can open up some very exciting romantic opportunities for you. As a student yourself, surely you are aware that some college girls will nurse a crush on a professor no matter what he looks like.

I'll send you some brochures and some phone numbers tomorrow morning.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
20:51 / 03.10.03
I don't really need any advice any more--not since I started letting Flux make my decisions for me. Seriously, I'll be on line at Whole Foods and call him on the celly and ask him: "Flux, I was planning to just buy some mineral water and a case of Chocolate Tangerine Cliff Bars, but they've got a whole block of Danish Tislit here for only $12.49. What should I do?"

"Qalyn, do you really want to buy cheese on sale?" he'll calmly answer.

See? So knowledgeable, so down-to-earth, so real. He always takes me calls, even if he happens to be on Oprah at the time. He'll just say, "Excuse me, Oprah, I have to take this call." (They might edit that stuff out later.)

Flux taught me to cheat the welfare people by visualising success and to quit smoking by drinking a pint of water whenever I wanted a cigarette.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
22:16 / 03.10.03
That's interesting, because he advised me to smoke a cigarette every time I wanted to drink water, thereby totally breaking my dangerous six-litres-day habit and permanently dessicating my tongue.

Thank You Flux!

(or, with my dry scaly tongue)

Hnnng Hu Phuh!
 
 
bio k9
22:57 / 03.10.03
Dear Flux,

I had to shitcan my portfolios for RISD and the Savannah College of Art and Design when I got my girlfriend of five months pregnant. Instead of continuing school I took a soul draining job with great medical benefits because I wanted to be able to provide for my child. Its been almost four years since I picked up a brush or put ink to a board. My easel and the box of oils mounted underneath it sit upstairs in what can only be described as a mocking silence.

The whole situation would be a lot easier to resolve if the family wasn't so great. My girlfriend is cute and funny and beautiful and encourages me to do whatever it is I want to do and our daughter is the greatest thing in this entire miserable world. If she was like some other kids I know I would have put a bullet in my brain a long time ago. Anyway, running is out of the question.

Also out of the question is part time employment/student brokeness. That was great when it was just me but I'm not going to have my daughter suffer because I want to dally about with some paints. The job market sucks, creative arts jobs are always hard to come by, and I've got a sure thing where I am now. What happens if I spend the next few years chasing some creative muse that has already abandoned me? What if I finish school and still can't find a job?

Do you think I should marry my girlfriend? What the hell am I waiting for? I'm not getting any younger. What is wrong with me?

I don't know what to do. Can you help?
 
 
Ethan Hawke
02:19 / 04.10.03
I think everyone will be happy to learn that I mostly did not make out with my ex this evening. I didn't drink at dinner, and when I went back to her place to check it out (I hadn't been there since I helped her move in), we watched some ludicrous movie on her newly-installed cable, through which I blabbed incessantly. Swimfan! I love talking through movies almost more than I like making out. Anyway, I said goodnight, and gave her a kiss, which turned into a few more kisses and was threatening to go elsewhere until blessed digital cable intervened. You see, the movie we had been watching was on Cinemax, and right afterwards was one of Cinemax's famous soft-porn shows. Distracted by the grunting from the TV, I quickly lost any desire to make out. Yeah, porn turns me off. So now I know, Flux, that if I ever want to stop making out with someone, I should just picture ugly naked people dry-humping. It worked like a charm.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
03:34 / 04.10.03
You're so gay, Todd.
 
 
lolita nation
06:54 / 04.10.03
I would like to hear some life-coaching, but I doubt I'd follow it.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
13:13 / 04.10.03
Please, Qalyn, do not be so judgemental and homophobic. Remember, human sexuality is fluid, and that is what makes it beautiful. You've come so far, don't give in to those negative impulses now. You're better than that. Stronger than that. Take a deep breath. Remember the breathing exercises that I taught you.

Todd, I'm very proud of you. You showed great strength and integrity last night. You're making great progress on your path towards purging this psycho from your life forever. It may seem like baby steps now, but I assure you that you're making great leaps foward.

Lolita, how can I help you? In what ways do you need assistance in life strategy?
 
 
lolita nation
14:07 / 04.10.03
well, I can't find a Friendster profile that I'm fully satisfied with, for one. I am insecure about my pronunciation of "Deleuze." And I totaled my car a couple of weeks ago, and I have to get a new one. One of my jobs is sleazy and unpleasant, and occasionally features jazz dudes, but pays really well. Other than that, not to overshare, I think I'm at the point in my life where I'd rather shoplift than fall in love, but can't seem to find enough like-minded people to keep myself out of precarious romantic misunderstandings. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but am in way over my head, and don't know what to do with this big box of sincerity my friend keeps trying to leave over at my house. Also I miss New York, and really want to kill my Livejournal but I don't know the safest way to do it. This stuff is really just scratching the surface, though. If you want to hear about my problems with my appearance or trouble deciding which Nick Drake song I like best, we can do that too.
 
 
bio k9
15:49 / 04.10.03
What about me, Flux? What should I do?
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
21:24 / 04.10.03
Flux, let me start by saying how relieved and happy I am that someone has come forward to take on the role of Life Coach on Barbelith. In the time that I have been posting here, I have always held back from revealing personal details about my life away from the board, but I feel that this thread represents a space in which I can express the real me with total honesty, without fear of rejection or mockery.

As some of you may know, my life's dream has always been to perform in the circus, in the traditional facepaint, oversized shoes and baggy trousers of the clown. However, due to the highly competitive and, if I dare allege, sometimes nepotistic world of the British circus scene, I am currently unable to find gainful employment in the only kind of work that gives me any sense of fulfillment or achievement. Yes, that's right: I am an out-of-work clown.

I would accept with gratitude any constructive criticism or guidance you would be able to offer which might help me advance in my chosen career, or find some other way to experience that special 'high' that clowning gives me. If it is of any note, I have been told that I have a rather affecting singing voice and that my mildly punkish, androgynous looks would be appealing to a certain demographic.
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
21:38 / 04.10.03
Dear Flux - I am in deep need of your services as a life coach. For many years I have suffered the debilitating effects of being a needless mediocrity. Try as I might I have never been able to find a field in which I can acheive higher than bulk rate.

I would like to attain personal success in my life and for this I turn to you. Seeing as you have been blessed with a myriad of talents I hope that you will be gracious enough to assist me with my quest.
 
  

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