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Let Me Be Your Life Coach

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21:55 / 06.10.03

Look at this flacid advice by Flux. I said earlier in this thread that I didn't think I was suited to be a Life Coach, but now I have seen that the onus has been thrust upon me. And given the events of this weekend, I am uniqeuly suited to assert that Flux's method simply does NOT work. Let me relate to you my tale of self-actualization, and then offer my services to Barbelith-at-large.

I've been taking a life-drawing class at the New School, because Flux advised me that that would be a good way to meet bored, rich undergraduates. Fat chance. The girls in the class are lifeless and dull, and the regular student body at Parsons - well, have you ever met a sculpture major?

I was having a shitty weekend - I had been to my mother's in CT and gotten back to the city early for my class, unshowered, unshaven, not having eaten anything. I walk into the class late as usual, because I don't wear a watch, and...nobody was there.

Except a young hispanic lady dressed in sweats. She was supposed to be the model for the class, but no one else had showed up. We chatted a bit, and she called her supervisor. She hung up her mobile, and said to me, "Well, if you stay, I have to stay." So I stayed.

Even though I was filthy, and dressed in a horribly slobby fashion, I achieved great things that afternoon, and BioK9, I can help you achieve great things to.

Remember: Todd was Right.

How may I help you?

Matthew Fluxington

21:55 / 06.10.03

Dude, it's your fucking fault. Maybe if you weren't so fucking boring all the time, life wouldn't be so hard for you. I'm trying to inject some pizzazz into your life, trying to make you a little less dull, and all you can do is whine and drone on and on and on about all your petty little problems. You've got to want to change, man. You've got to want a better life, Bio.

02:29 / 07.10.03

You guys need to let go of all this negativity. It's all based on fear, fear that you won't get what you want if you just make yourself vulnerable to a new style or at least new lifestyle accessories, and as we all know fear is the mind-killer. Bio K9, you really would feel better about yourself if you had a cool studded belt. You'd feel stylish, sexy, and fearless, and this would give you the confidence to make the choices that will bring you your heart's desire.

It's all in Flux's book. You should read it. You have to try new things. I never would've thought that kissing a man, playing that role, would help me so much in defrauding the government, but just today I got an emergency stipend of $1900 to pay off arrears on an apartment in my building that's been empty for six months. Knowing that I had the will and flexibility to make out with that guy with the mustache gave me the confidence to lie through my teeth to Social Services.

Thank you, Flux.

04:26 / 07.10.03

I. Already. Have. A. Studded. Belt.

My clothes are not the problem, the problem is that I'm hopelessly trapped in a situation that I can't escape without hurting the people I love. Even a giant FUCK TEXAS belt buckle isn't going to change that.

Negativity? I'll give you negativity. No.

No, I woln't. Fuck you. Fuck the book. Fuck all of it. I can't even get a helpful response from the other members of Barbelith. NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.

Least of all, me.

Matthew Fluxington

10:52 / 07.10.03

Maybe when you start "giving a fuck," things will change for you. You've got to want it, Bio. I can't just wave a magic wand and make your life better for you. You've got to do some work too.

How do you feel about arts and crafts? Things of that nature are good for people like yourself who are clearly dealing with anger management issues. Maybe you should sign up for a pottery class at your local community college.

12:56 / 07.10.03

tee hee. todd said flaccid.

No star here laces

00:56 / 08.10.03

I have this terrible, awful problem dearest fluxy-poo.

You see I've moved to a strange new city where I suddenly find myself to be intensely desirable and far more interesting than most of the inhabitants. With my fat new paycheck I'm looking to lease a property that will be symbolic of a new, better life.

I have three properties that I am considering and roughly 8 hours to make a decision. Each property symbolises a different kind of lifestyle.

Property 1 is the easy life. It is a serviced condo on the 9th floor with large pool, home cinema system, access to open green spaces and fully furnished in a bland ikea style.

Property 2 is the soulful life. It's further from the city centre than the other two, is a cute pre-war chinese style house, and has a cosy, wood-y feel to it. It is in a chinese neighbourhood where there is much cheap and tasty street food to be had but less in the way of nightlife. It is near to the coast and affords bicycling opportunities.

Property 3 is the party life. It is wedged between an Indian ghetto and the red light district. It is fuck-off huge with lots of idiosyncratic design features and plenty of balcony space. The downstairs is big and open plan and perfectly suited to playing loud music to crowds of skimpily dressed singapore hipsters (I don't know if these actually exist, but one can hope).

All are comparable in terms of cost although property two would be slightly cheaper.

What would be the wise choice, wise one?

01:05 / 08.10.03

Oh man, that's really hard... I'm stuck between Property 2 and Property 3. No wait... Property 1 sounds nice, too.

This is really hard.

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:38 / 08.10.03

Property 3, but only if you're going to accessorize it with a private jet which you can use to ship large numbers of your London friends (DON'TFORGETUSDON'TFORGETUS) over for insanely debauched parties...

Matthew Fluxington

10:57 / 08.10.03

Flyboy is very correct, Jefe. #3 is the only option really, if you're looking to grow as a person. This is your chance to finally spread those wings and be the social butterfly we always knew was deep down inside of you. It's time to come out of your shell, Jefe! Shyness is a cage, and this large apartment will set you free! Soon all of those scantily-clad Singipore hipsters will be yours. Let's work through this!

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