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I originally had an obscenely long post, but it ended up being erased. So here is the slimmed down version...
These three things have had wildly different meanings for me throught the past five years or so. Like a lot of people, I went through the "Christians are weak-willed fools unwilling to look at reality in it's barest form, and Christianity is a tool used by hypocrites to maintain control over the herd" phase. It didn't help that I was going to a Protestant Christian highschool in the southern United States, with all sorts of rules and social structures to rebel against.
Truth be told, I felt kind of cheated. I had been a Christian my entire life without ever realizing what it meant, and without questioning it. Now I realized that I had spent all that time going to mass and learning the scripture only to discover that I didn't believe a word of it, and that no one seemed to be able to answer what were to me simple questions. "What is grace?" "If God created me, why am I not good enough for him unless I become his servant?" "So Christ died for us. Big fucking deal, he's God, he could do it again and again if he wanted. Why is it such a bid deal?" "Why are half the answers on the Bible test 'Christ's Blood'?" Lord, I was so sick of hearing the phrase "christ's blood". It had lost all meaning to me. So had the idea of Christ's sacrifice. Who cared? I never knew Christ, the guy I thought he was turned out to be my grandfather, and when he died, so did Christ to me. And since grandpap never came back from the dead...
So I became an atheist and decided that Christianity was an outdated institution that would not survive another hundred years. But atheism was too lonly for me, so I couldn't do that much longer. Thankfully, I stumbled across some zen poems in my literature book, and decided to pick up the recommended reading, Alan Watt's The Way of Zen. I loved it (even though I grasped maybe a fifth of it. Of course, I thought I understood the majority of it...). I got into Buddhism and Taoism, which was good, because it got me meditating.
I soon graduated, and that summer was an important one, spiritually speaking. I met a nice young lady who played a Shamz Tabriz to my Rumi. In this girl, I saw all the attributes that been Buddha's alone previously. There is no room to tell you how just meeting someone like that will drastically alter your perception of things. That entire summer was great. I had money, a car, lots of friends, a drug hookup, a spiritual guide, and a "lady-friend" (read: "friend that I would often fornicate with"). I was happy. I grew up a lot, I suppose, spiritually speaking.
I went off to college, and went through the worst parts of my depression. It was extremely rare for me to feel anything at all beyond mild irritation. Little to no emotion at all. And the strange thing is, when you don't have things like emotions clouding your vision, you see both more and less than someone with normal seratonin levels. I could see everything in the cool light of reason and logic, even things like reason and logic.
At this point, I had lost a lot of my anger towards Christianity and Christians in general. It was probably more because of the fact that I didn't feel anything at all anymore, but then again, my views on Christ changed significantly. He had some good ideas. He was no Buddha, but he had some good ideas. It was also around this time I got into occultism and a bunch of other stuff, including The Invisibles. I was also doing a lot more drugs. In this state, I formulated my anti-belief structure.
After feeling really miserable for a year and fucking over my educational career, I decided to seek help for my depression, and ended up on medication. I had previously been set against the idea of medicating myself, but at this point, I was so tired of being numb all the time I had to do something. And I'm glad I did (note: if you think you suffer from depression, for god's sake get help. It won't just go away on it's own). I began to have normal emotions again, after a year and a half of not feeling anything, and that will do strange things to you. I was kind of anxious about whether or not my anti-belief structure would hold up in my new condition. It both did and didn't, and I don't have time to go into how right now. I'll just say that some things made even more sense, and some things got a lot more confusing (as one would expect).
Which is where I am now, roughly. I've been on this medication since January, and I'd like to share my thoughts on what Christ, Christians, and Christianity are to me now.
Christians: this is easy. They're just people. Some people need a moral structure, a guide. And I can now see the attraction of believing that someone will love you forever, who is willing to forgive anything and everything if you just ask. And if this person is God incarnate, well then, all the better. These people are not fools. Yes, Christians have done a lot of bad shit throughout history, but so has every country or orginization ever created. Big fucking deal. They're just people.
Christianity: This one is a lot harder. I don't buy into it, mainly because I don't believe I have a soul to be saved. And if I did have one, I'm not going to pass off the responsibility on someone else. I'll do it myself. But here's a weird thing: I used to never like the idea of being a servant to anyone, especially God. But these days, the idea of being a servant to anyone, even God, doesn't repulse me. I can see the attraction of it, of being a supremely dependable servant. At this point, I'd much rather be that than the master of the house, who would be nothing at all without the hired help. Servant and Master is just another duality to be swallowed.
Christ: This one I still don't know about. He's no longer an amalgamation of St. Francis of Assisi (sp?) and my grandfather. Read Salinger's Franny and Zooey for the best description of Christ ever published. I can't do it justice here, but I'll give a broad outline. Yes, Christ was all about love. I'm sure if you looked into his eyes, you would see infinite patience and compassion. But you would also have just as much of a chance of seeing a "I'm sick of this shit, it's time for some table flipping" kind of light.
I realized one day about a year ago that if I met Buddha on the road, I would ask him "help me become like you", but if I met Christ, I would ask "Please, make everything like it should have been. Make it all better." I didn't give it much thought at the time, but I suppose that paints a good picture of my thoughts on both of those guys. That's not the case now. These days, I think that if I met either, I would just want to walk a bit with them. Maybe have some pie. Maybe a game of darts and a few drinks.
I don't know what Christ is to me. Not a saviour, not a master. I want to say "friend", but that's so cheesy. More like a brother, I suppose, which is even more cheesy. The concept of a sacrifice means so much more for me these days...I don't know if He actually died for my sins, but I get the feeling that He would if I asked Him to. Which is cool, you know? That's what friends do for each other. Sometimes it sucks ass, like having to drive three hours in the middle of the night to bail someone out of jail, but there's no question of whether or not it's going to get done.
I feel like this has been painfully obvious to everyone except me sometimes, and other times I wonder why people who claim to be Christians don't ever take the time to just sit and consider what Christ's teachings really meant. I'm not a Christian, I'm still a Zen Buddhist-Neo Pagan (or "Discordian", for short), but I think more about Christ than most people I know. I may even become a Christian again, when I learn Ancient Greek and Hebrew. But I won't do that baptism shit, I've got nothing to answer for, and I don't think Christ wants another servant. But get this, a master depends on his servants, right? Christ depending on me for support. Trippy. Something to think about, anyway.
So, who is Christ to you? What are Christians? What is Christianity? |
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