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The Penis Monologue

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12:07 / 20.05.02

I was going to avoid this, as Im quite bored of being on the receiving end of horrified chastising (PENIS IN EAR! PENIS IN EAR!), but Im quite (overly?) enamored of my loves member, so Im going to put my two cents in here:

the majority of my past lovers have been cut, and at times I find myself far too engaged in toying with the foreskin with inquisitive tongue and lips. hes never yet uttered a complaint. a perfect length and impressive girth which fits me perfectly yet never hinders my comfort, in any position. its size and shape allows for ease of motion and range, and is smooth and deliciously soft to the touch. his skin smells faintly of soap and him, an irresistable unity

I could go on and on and on and on....

12:26 / 20.05.02

It doesn't have a name.

Much like Clint Eastwood, in Fistfull of Dollars

13:54 / 20.05.02

Its funny sometimes having a penis. It can feel uncomfortable to get an erection in clothes sometimes and rearranging yourself is always frowned upon. When I'm alone or just with Mordant, I'll tend to play with it distractedly (or she will). There is something comforting about it that isn't entirely sexual. But I've never named or measured it.

I like its textures, the ridges, the veins and the surprising softness. Thing is, I know very little about penises (peni?) other than my own. Its a bit of a taboo to stare in showers and toilets. Perhaps I've never had much curiosity in looking at pictures of them.

14:04 / 20.05.02

yeah, you cant really compare it to those you see in porn. this is, after all, the medium where people like the classic greasy weasely barfly ron jeremy are king

17:23 / 20.05.02

Im a cock killah

Regrettable Juvenilia

17:26 / 20.05.02

do you think the penis is more aesthetically beautiful than the vagina?

All genitalia is filthy and unclean. In the future we will all be smooth and hairless, like mannequins...

17:50 / 20.05.02

It seems the plural form of clitoris is clitorides, although these people misspell Canon Law on the same page, so don't know whether to believe them.

& the plural form of penis is penes.
Seems peni and penii would be the plurals of "penus" and "penius". My dick doesn't currently have a name but I'm thinking penius would be a good one.

19:11 / 20.05.02

Makes it sound like it's been Roman where it shouldn't have...

19:29 / 20.05.02

ba-da-BUM!

19:31 / 20.05.02

Mine is small, but serviceable.
Endlessly amusing.
Probably less aesthetically pleasing than the vagina, because vaginas may seem baroque or mysterious or, Venus help us, dank, but they're never ridiculous.

The penis is ridiculous. It changes size and shape at whim, sort of like a puffer-fish in reverse. "Oo! That's nice!" BLOMP!

Vaginas don't get stuck in vacuum cleaners. They don't get chopped off by abused partners, tossed out car windows, and later recovered by bemused medical techs. They don't seem to operate independently of the rest of the body, and don't resemble (too closely) heads of state or religious leaders. The vagina is not a caricature.

19:34 / 20.05.02

You can spend a surprisingly long time lounging on a bed, idly playing with a penis. Not even in a dirty way, just, you know, flopping it back and forward a bit. I think that's one of the great things about having one, it's like nature's Gameboy.

19:43 / 20.05.02

the trouble with playing with a friends penis is it doenst "flop" around for long....

19:43 / 20.05.02

Did you know that 90% of men think their penis is of below average size? (and 87% of statistics are made up on the spot, of course.)

I like mine. I wouldn't know what to do without it. It does have a name, but only on Barbelith- Flame jr. There was a reason but I don't recall, alas. I like it being there, and occasionally half-waking and reminding me of its presence. It really does seem to have a mind of its own: I sometimes feel during sex that there's three of us in the bed- me, GF, and him.

Fascinating Penile Fact: Don Juan in Castaneda recommended holding on to your penis as a method to eradicate fear in the face of demonic incursions.

19:57 / 20.05.02

You can flop it around, then wank, then flop it around, then wank....
Apparently its possible to do this for hours. Or so I'm told. Actually, this is quite a pleasant way to read.

But don't get me started on comedowns. That just lasts all day.

05:21 / 21.05.02

ZoCher wrote: Ganesh has begun a laudable thread, in imitation of the Vagina Monologues' truthtelling about the vagina, but for men to tell the truth about their dicks. He thinks it can be done. I think there's a cat in Hell's chance because most men, like me, would rather the world thought they had a Lynford Christie lunchbox than the more usual Fabergé snuff box.

I might be amongst that number were it not for the fact that I don't know what either of those boxes are. Moreover, I can't understand why anyone would compare their cock to a box.

And yes there is a cat's chance in Hell. Cat's have alot of opportunities in Hell, for they are Hell's minions. Verily.

06:37 / 21.05.02

Linford Christie's lunch-box - humongous tackle of British athlete, so termed because what he kept in his lycra shorts resembled a rather large banana and a couple of apples as he pelted along the track.

Faberge snuff box - a very small box. For putting snuff in.

And I'm still not comfortable about talking about my own choller without resorting to jokey innuendo, so this my contribution to this thread will have to wait until I've had a bottle of wine.

07:04 / 21.05.02

Sax wrote: Linford Christie's lunch-box - humongous tackle of British athlete, so termed because what he kept in his lycra shorts resembled a rather large banana and a couple of apples as he pelted along the track.

Jesus. That's about as subtle as a Jimmie Dean sausage reference in a Burt Reynolds movie. Thanks for the answer, although I'm wondering if I should've asked in the first place.

07:26 / 21.05.02

Flybot (<-- typo, but I like it) says:

"All genitalia is filthy and unclean. In the future we will all be smooth and hairless, like mannequins.."

Oh how I look forward to that day. No more will mankind know the agony caused by shy or curious pubes trapped betwixt helmet and foreskin. Eesh.

I actually think this will happen and that we will be rewarded for expulsion of dirty creams (via a plastic nozzle hidden beneath a screw-cap on top of the head) not with an orgasm but a gold star, placed in a log book by our mother or similar.

10:07 / 21.05.02

you know what I hate (oh, shit, I hope this isn't just me), but they're this thing called 'skinjuries', which is where you get little grazes and scratches on your foreskin, reasons unclear.

but, penises rule. give me the willies, I say.

11:56 / 21.05.02

& the plural form of penis is penes. ZoCher

Bye the bye, you know the only instance that I can ever recall seeing this in one of the early interchapters of The Grapes of Wrath - when Steinbeck uses it in an image describing the tractor used to plough the cotton fields and flatten the homes of the Okies:

"Behind the tractor rolled the shining disks, cutting the earth with blades - not ploughing but surgery, pushing the cut earth to the right where the second row of disks cut it and pushed it to the left; slicing blades shining, polished by the cut earth. And pulled behind the disks, the harrows combining with iron teeth so that the little clods broke up and the earth lay smooth. Behind the harrows, the long seeders - twelve curbed iron penes erected in the foundry, orgasms set by gears, raping methodically, raping without passion. The driver sat in his iron seat and he was proud of the straight lines he did not will, proud of the tractor he did not own or love, proud of the power he could not control."

17:44 / 21.05.02

[looks in furtively]

No-one claimed 'relatively oversized' yet? Good-o, then - that will do me. Never measured it, not worried about its size, big enough for me.

Have a theory that it can work the way your foot fits between your elbow and your wrist - that it's the size of both your fists on top of one another, like you're playing 'one potato, two potato.'

Anyone else agree?

That'll do, before I start going into jokey innuendo.

18:07 / 21.05.02

I happen to own (well, co-own) an exact silicone replica of mine. Well, it would have been exact if I had not underestimated its curvature and thus nudged up against the top of the casting cylinder during the mold-making process. Unfortunately, after things had calmed down and were removed from the mold, there was no way to tell that the mold had a fatal error until after the silicone had been poured in, hardened, and the mold removed. I thus have an exact replica of my penis, with a big, blocky chunk of silicon mated to the helmet. Unsuitable for insertions, I'm afraid, even after trimming.

Fortunately, Good Vibrations supplied enough mold-making supplies in the kit for two molds; unfortunately, they didn't supply enough medical-grade silicone for two dildos. However, I recently obtained some more silicone, and some lovely Purple tinting agent. So as soon as my intrepid assistant is up for it, I'll slide back into the cold, wet grip of dental plaster. For science.

And gents, should you ever have a chance to fuck a cylinder full of wet casting material, don't be intimidated. Just go for it. It's quite pleasant, really.

18:55 / 21.05.02

Penis or vagina? Hmm, I'd have to say I find the penis more attractive simply for the smooth soft catagory. And testicles win hands down in the "Oh my god I could just watch this all day like a lava lamp!" catagory. (Testicles are simply too cool) But given a limp penis on a naked man playing volleyball on a beach- well then vaginas win hands down. Then it's just silly. I've come across (no pun intended) some vaginas that, when shaved, were quite plump and pink and well, pretty. And there has been the odd penis that was just wrong looking. No balance or strength, smoothness or (for some reason honesty is the word that comes to mind, so I'll go with it) honesty.

As for playing with them? The penis is far more fun. I just can't sit in front of the tv, or read a book and flop myself around. I will however enjoy a good 'flopping' with Zoom though. He's quite fun to flop around. But as Kittie mentioned they don't flop long- they tend to take their jobs quite seriously and are wont to get down to business soon after.
I'm tempted to go into descriptions here, but best leave that up to himself. But if I may say- it's verra verra nice.

Reason

19:47 / 21.05.02

I was going to avoid this thread.
How to describe my penis?

I honestly can't remember the last time I measured it, or what the number was.

I've had no complaints. Will that suffice?

Zoom.

ONLY NICE THINGS

22:25 / 21.05.02

More than.

Interesting thing about this thread - whereas the boys on the clit threads tended to talk about the clitoris as something they enjoyed doing stuff to, the women on thread are, although by no means exclusively, using the penis as a metonym. Specifically for their. Boy. Friends.

My penis and I were put in different houses at prep school and no longer keep in regular touch. We exchange Christmas cards. It has a really good coat.

06:28 / 22.05.02

Perhaps you could get back in touch through glansreunited.com

ONLY NICE THINGS

07:25 / 22.05.02

frenulareunited.com?

11:06 / 22.05.02

the cocks-n-balls combo is so damn nice

(Id like it served on a bed of sticky rice)

15:01 / 22.05.02

I was genuinely uncertain how people would respond to this, and it's interesting to see how the thread has progressed. On the one hand, ZoCher's main assertion has been confirmed (the majority of straight men aren't comfortable talking about their own genitalia without a protective layer of archness or innuendo); on the other hand, people don't appear to be lying - or, if they are, not lying outright.

I wonder whether there's a gay/straight dichotomy here: gay websites, chatrooms and the likes of Gaydar are generally quite happy to supply (and demand) intimate penile details - and often photos; are their straight counterparts (if such exist) as 'full and frank'?

I think there's a definite gay/straight difference in how the penis is perceived. The cliches are different. The 'penises are inherently ridiculous' meme seems much less prevalent among gay men; instead there's a widespread sense of 'sex=penis'. My turn-ons are generally more based around bondage/fetish/SM themes than sucking & fucking, and I've been told several times (by otherwise intelligent, sexually and politically-literate people) 'if you don't suck cock you can't be gay'. If y'don't worship the totem, your credentials as tribe member become suspect...

15:27 / 22.05.02

I've been leaving Haus and Lurid to their own devices in the 'Porn Free' thread but it seems that there's a considerable degree of overlap here - albeit in a (self-consciously?) less Headshoppy way. I wonder to what degree porno representations of the penis contribute to male insecurity about the shyer Real Life version. The 'penises have a mind of their own' argument is nearly always overstated (IMHO) and may be an extension (ho ho) of the 'men are always primed and ready for sex' fallacy (ho ho, etc.)

Given that relatively few of us are admitting to measuring our penises (and I thought everyone old enough to remember 'The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole' did that), where does the apparent obsession with comparison come from? Is it (and I dodgily try to remember basic Freud here) a vestige of childhood anxiety at first seeing Daddy's one? Will we ever measure up?

Answers on a relatively oversized postcard...

15:55 / 22.05.02

I suppose gay men have a wider range of penises with which (or whom) they have been intimate, and thus are more prone to, er, the frank, err, "hands on" descriptors.

I've only ever measured mine against my hand, and the size varies widely, even when erect. Comparison? Maybe with dad, but I've got an 8-y-o stepson, and he's always comparing muscles with his cousin. I think the dick thing's more the same competitive drive.

Oh, and Haus: that frenulareunited.com thing is really for tongues. Nowadays, they just shunt penis inquiries onto other sites. A few problems early on with unexpected matchups....

16:06 / 22.05.02

Is it (and I dodgily try to remember basic Freud here) a vestige of childhood anxiety at first seeing Daddy's one? Will we ever measure up?

Actually, as a rather small child, I remember being in a locker room and happening to glance at an adult penis. My reaction was, "Holy fucking shit, look at the size of that thing!"

16:23 / 22.05.02

first adult penis I ever saw (outside of sneaky curious looks at my parents joy of sex book) was my pre-child molester babysitter, who exposed himself to me when I was about 5 or 6. it looked like a fucking third arm to me, and even though I had no clue what he meant to do with it I did know enough to run and lock myself in my bedroom

then when I was 7 another little girl brought along some playgirl magazines and I saw these men with their penises pointing in all different directions, including one man whos dick was pointing towards his hip. Im not sure how long it was til I discovered that they werent prehensile, like monkey tails

No star here laces

18:37 / 22.05.02

Originally posted by ganesh:
ZoCher's main assertion has been confirmed (the majority of straight men aren't comfortable talking about their own genitalia without a protective layer of archness or innuendo)

I'm going to counter this, and in my first foray into the head shop in ages talk about my penis in crappy therapeutic fashion.

My penis has been through the wars. I had to get it circumcised when I was 15 due to an unfortunate foreskin infection. This was possibly the most painful experience of my life, and has left me with some somewhat unusual scarring which irks me as I think it makes my cock not quite as pretty as it might be. On the other hand I find its composition quite attractive. The ratio of the size of the head to the shaft is pleasing and it is classically ruler-straight and a nice pink colour (nothing purple about it).

I'm generally pretty happy with the way it behaves sexually. I'm sure everyones is nice and sensitive, but I do so enjoy the way it feels like a special sensory appendage for sensing the folds and contours inside my loved one and the way it reacts to her little squeezes and clutches like an electric connection between our pleasure centres. I like the way it unerringly seeks out the way in without the need to clumsily use hands to fit it to its true home.

The only time I really want to castigate it is when, post-orgasm, it really starts to hurt if I stay inside and keep moving. It'd be so nice to enjoy slow languid movements as our heart rates slow down and breathing returns to normal, but so often this cannot be. It'd be nice to have a switch to make it numb at these times.

No star here laces

18:37 / 22.05.02

Um for 'head shop', read 'conversation'.

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