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1st Annual Ninjas vs. Pirates Volley Ball Tournament

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12:53 / 30.04.02

A pirate tries to serve, only to discover that it will be impossible without his just-amputated limbs. Same thing occurs with the next pirates, until they're all laying limbless in the court, swearing. Ninjas proceed to quick sewing, hammering, and turn the pirate's bodies into nice sofas and coffee-tables.

Ninjas: Everything
Pirates: 0.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

13:20 / 30.04.02

Round 10:

Buoyed up by success, Ninjas mistakenly challenge Pirates to pre-match drinking competition. Vast quantities of Pirate gold are wagered, much rum is consumed, Ninjas are found later wearing only feathers and fruit, singing irritating song about how 'An octupus maid may make a lad shout, but alas a young mermaid can never put out', and there is ribaldry and drunken rogering, over which we shall draw a discreet veil.

Ninjas 1, Pirates 7

13:27 / 30.04.02

Round 11, girls match:

Its a close match, both teams playing hard and matching trick for trick. Several ninjas are disqualified for being men in disguise, and pirates for being too ugly to tell. Ninjas ordered to play in bikinnis like pirates, though allowed to retain their masks. Much bouncing about ensues, to the joy of the fans.

Game point, Ninja's serve.

Suddenly, a gate opens from the dimention of demons, and a tenticle rape monster appears on the beach. Immediately, it goes for the more attractive female ninjas, but greedily it snares pirates as well. Pirates, unaccustomed to fighting tenticle rape monsters and unskilled in hentai martial arts, soon fall prey to its vast virility while ninjas pull weapons from, well, we're not really sure where, but they start fighting it all the same.

In the chaos, the ball falls to the ground on the Ninja's side. The ref misses the call, distracted by pirates being quadrupily penetrated! One Ninja slyly nudges the ball over to the pirates side with her toe. As the monster is sent back to Yomi, the ref turns around and makes the call.

The whistle blows: Ninjas win, 15-14.

15:26 / 30.04.02

Round Twelve: Pirates serve, but the return trick is lost in the first volley from RMS Pummel and the frigate Shankwelder, which have sighted the pirates' sloop and opened up with all cannon...apparently the Cap'n forgot to pay his royal mandate subscription fee for this month. The match is discontinued while the pirates row out to their sloop and engage the navy.
In a surprising show of sportsmanship, the ninja participate in the boarding action, flipping out and beheading most of the crew, as well as taking out the front and main masts of the Shankwelder and lopping a few cannon in half, just for show. The Pummel goes down with all hands, but the ninjas offer up the Shankwelder's crew to the tender mercies of the tentacle-rape rape demons of the Yomi world.

At the post-victory celebration, the ninja introduce the pirates to sake. The pirates are not found until seven days later, in Panama, dressed in ill-fitting black pajamas and muttering something about fighting to the death with badgers.

Score: would most certainly be in favor of the ninja, had they not accrued a stiff penalty for *also* tossing the referee into clutches of the tentacle-rape demons of the Yomi world. Pirates 2, Ninja 2

16:16 / 30.04.02

Round Thirteen: Pirates call in relief team: the 1979 Pirates. These surly ruffians proceed to break ninja headlights and crankcases with donut-weighted wooden clubs, pour sugar into fuel tanks, and drown a protesting ref in a mighty sea of spat tobacco. The pirates adjust their cups and retire to a nearby grotto to soak one another with gatorade.

Pirates: 15; Ninjas: 0
A shutout that will live in infamy.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

17:24 / 30.04.02

Round 14:

Ninjas, being Swiss, employ special cheese-based tactic. Pirates drown in gruyere and state of bewilderment. Alphorns and Schnapps celebrate victory.

Score: Swiss 4, Pirates 3

The Return Of Rothkoid

08:59 / 01.05.02

Round 15.

Pirates steal referee, sell hir to slavery and position a parrot named Gerald as new ref. Despite a large number of fouls and disembowelings, pirates are awarded victory, 3,243 to -4.

12:22 / 01.05.02

Round 16:

Beach volleyball. Pirates arrive early to prepare venue. Whilst setting up the volleyball nets, they are struck by the nets' resemblance to ships' hammocks, and stretch out for an afternoon siesta in the sun.

Ninjas arrive. Seeing the pirates asleep, they creep among them with silent stealth and, snickering under their balaclavas, remove the pirates' various prostheses and re-attach them at random. They then stand to one side and whistle discreetly until the pirates awake.

Play then begins. Pirates stumble and teeter comically on mismatched wooden legs either slightly too long or slightly too short. Pirates' star forward hampoered by the fact that he's hobbling around on a steel hook with a big fuck-off wooden peg attached to his left wrist.

Final score: Ninjas in a rout, 10-3.

The Return Of Rothkoid

12:51 / 01.05.02

Round 17:

Pirates kick rFM into gear from close-by galleon. Ninjas, entranced by a rockin' playlist of shanties and hornpipes, start testing the word "arr" out. In shame at this besmirching of their single-mindedness, they kill themselves, causing pirates to win by default.

14:05 / 01.05.02

Round 18:

Pirates, as sons of the sea, are well familiar with beaches and games played upon them. Ninjas idea of competetive sports is fighting to the death while balanced on burning logs. While the ninjas struggle to understand the subtle rules of volleyball, the Pirates shut them out. The Ninjas, never having had a chance to serve, flip out and kill everyone.

Final score: Pirates 15, Ninjas 0, but all the Pirates are dead.

18:31 / 01.05.02

But the pirates return as ghosts and drive the ninjas insane by sneaking up behind them and going "Boo!" then dissapearing before the ninjas can turn around to see what said "boo!" to them.

20:41 / 01.05.02

Round... 19?
As ninjas jump in fear and confusion, chasing pirate ghosts, ninja team daimyo-managers realize that they have caught syphilis from pirate wenches and cabin boys. Match is called off for intensive antibiotic therapy, daimyos forced to drop pants for team doctor at sidelines.

Pirates awarded forfeit.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

20:45 / 01.05.02

Round 20:

Sight of perfect nude ninjas almost too much for pirates (who are struck dumb with admiration and desire) and they, too, remove their clothing. Ninjas extremely embarrassed, immediately get dressed. Pirates too delighted by discovery of Naturism to care, play game naked. Ninjas so horrified by organs bouncing whilst still attached that they can barely look.

Ninjas 2, Pirates 7

05:40 / 03.05.02

Round 21:

Quick Kick serves for the ninjas, scoring an ace. The next serve is returned and Stormshadow sets Firefly for a devastaing spike. Third serve returned, bumped by Snake-eyes, and sent over by Firefly - into a stuff by Zanzibar! Action Man Space Pirate serves. Ninja team stunned by complicated implications of servers name and fail to return.
Second serve returned, set by Zanzibar, and spiked by Shipwreck. Polly squaks approvingly. Third serve expertly returned by a spinning crescent from Stormshadow and mercilessly spiked, after another set by Zanzibar, by Sarawak Sally.

Ninjas - 2: Pirates - 3

The Return Of Rothkoid

08:13 / 03.05.02

Round 22:

Pirates whisk ball away to a nearby treasure-chest (which also contains several nets and a referee, from earlier ripoffs), claiming that a medium-size squid is an acceptable substitute. Ninjas, not used to playing with their food in such a different manner, are wary. With good reason; squid attaches self to key ninja player's face, instituting panic attacks, and facial marking not unlike that found in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. Ninjas flee, leaving pirates victory - and, after a small fire's constructed, a tasty meal.

Score: Pirates, by default.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

09:48 / 03.05.02

Round 23:

'Squid' turns out to be magically disguised Ninja commando squad, who wreak terrible havoc on Pirates from within their digestive tracts. Pirates crippled by ghastly indigestion and gas. Several explode. Not ever traditional Pirate remedies (rum, lighting farts) can solve knotty gastrointestinal problem. Magic wears off at midday, resulting in further fatalities amongst Pirates as Ninjas expand to normal size.

Ninjas 10, Pirates 0, referee hosipitalised by disgusting visions of Pirate gizzards.

The Natural Way

13:20 / 03.05.02

Pirates and Ninjas all chill out w/ 10 trips, some fierce E's and a wicked Tommy Wong.

Fierce. Let's all get caned, it's wicked.

I love getting caned.

18:41 / 03.05.02

Ninjas and Pirates, under effects of the drugs, have a big group hug and sob "I love you man!" at each other, thus bringing an end to the day's competetion.

00:56 / 04.05.02

Point of order here: Quick Kick was never a ninja. (and besides..he's dead)

09:29 / 05.05.02

And which Storm Shaow? The one from the (British) Battle Action Force, who is a mercenary and joins Cobra willingly when the police seek him, or the GI Joe one who joined to discover who murdered his and Snake Eyes master and is later reconciled? It makes a difference to whom he would play with and may invalidate an earlier match.

Oh God that was a tragic display of knowledge...sorry about the digression...

Less searchable M0rd4nt

10:34 / 05.05.02

Round 26(?)

Pirates suffer hideous comedown. End up crawling in the sand, sobbing about how no-one's ever truly loved them. Paranioa-induced suicide/murders follow.

Ninjas go down greasy spoon for egg'n'chips, then hang round someone's house playing Space Channel 5 for a coulpe of hours. Return to finish off surviving pirates, most of whom fling themselves willingly onto the Ninja's swords (Ninja weapons).

Ninjas 18, pirates 0.

16:10 / 05.05.02

Prolly round 1 of game 2 on the second day, Mordant; or a drug-induced clerical error on the participants' part which extended the game for an extra round.

(psst! The metacomments should go in the notes thread, yo. Even if that wasn't Jinx wearing quick Kick's tanning lotion preserved skin, that's still Tommy in the white outfit. Jeez!)

15:00 / 07.05.02

Ninjas, annoyed by the side discussions in the audience that are disrupting the games, flip out crazy and kill everyone!!!

02:28 / 08.05.02

The audience, now dead, choose to spend eternity taunting the ninja.
"Nya Nya Nyah! Boo Ninja! Booo!"

Score:
Pirates: O
Ninja: 5 game suspension for unecessary roughness
Audience Ghosts: 100 for triumphing despite such death.

The Return Of Rothkoid

09:23 / 08.05.02

Round... fuh?

Ninjas, increasingly incensed by naked undead piratical cheersquad, refuse to play unless ghostly supporters cover up. Ergo, ninjas forfeit game, and pirates spend time working on tans, drunkenly.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

10:16 / 08.05.02

Game 2, round 5: Pirates doze off in the sun. Ninjas write witty and amusing pro-Ninja slogans in sun-block on sleeping pirates. Pirates wake up, and get in a fight. Ninjas polish off the survivours with awsomely sweet throwing stars, then break for saki.

Ninjas 6, pirates 0.

No star here laces

11:10 / 08.05.02

Ninjas cook a sticky toffee pudding.

It is pronounced to be totally sweet.

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

22:14 / 08.05.02

Game 2, Round 6

Seniors match! Pirates drag old, crusty and salty pirates onto the court, who just complain that pirating isn't what it used to be, and By God In My Day We Killed Ninjas Right.
Ninjas bring out really old master ninja, who merely sits cross legged on the sand smoking a pipe.

First serve: Pirates

Pirates attempts to serve. Ball is thrown in the air, but before the pirate can swat, it dissapears. Pirates, confused, look across the court to see old ninja master holding the ball and still smoking pipe. There are no footprints leading to or away from old master ninja's seat.

Old master ninja lobs ball in the air (still sitting), about to serve. Whoosh. Ball is on pirate's side, sitting innocently in the sand. Pirates declare game "not befittin' of a pirate. Arrrr. Get me some ale." Looking back across the sand, the see the old master ninja is no longer there. Again, no footprints, just cherry blossoms on the wind...

Ninjas win by forfeit (c'mon, nobody beats an old ninja master).

02:28 / 09.05.02

Pirates declare this is total bosh and open a portal to Outworld. The ninja are sucked into the portal and are forced to serve as waiters during the banquet before Mortal Kombat.

tom-karika nukes it from orbit

09:43 / 09.05.02

Pirates shout ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! and play mortal komabt some more

15:33 / 09.05.02

Great page (as are all concerning pirates) except the defintion of keelhauling is incorrect. Keehauling involved throwing a man overboard at the front of the ship. He must have his hands bound with a long rope. After falling overboard he would the float underneath the ship till he reached the rear of said ship. He would then be haulled to the front of the ship. This is a bad thing to happen to you. The bottom of most ship are covered with barnacles which ,when being hauled acrros, rip ninja to shreds like they were whitehouse documents. This can be repeat as necessary.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

19:25 / 09.05.02

Great page (as are all concerning pirates)

How about the "All pirates are loosers and perform oral sex on parrots and eat weevils" page? That would be cool.

18:34 / 10.05.02

Yes cool. Cool because it contains pirates. And cool because it would be yet another example at how horrid ninja anti-pirate propaganda is.

Your serve.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

11:33 / 11.05.02

Round 7:

Pirates serve, but as the ball reaches the apex of its arc, the entire pitch is swallowed whole by passing Great Old One. The game continues within the stomach of the Starborn monstrosity, both teams suffering from dreadful bouts of insanity in the murky gloom. Pirates recover first owing to being totally insane to begin with, score some quick points before Ninja mental discipline reasserts itself and Ninjas take advantage of darkness to assert superior vision and zen skills.

Ninjas, 7; Pirates, 4; Lord O'Glry, Prince of Ten Thousand Nails and Master of the Bleeding Skin of Moshna Gaul, 14

23:21 / 11.05.02

Pirates disbelive, roll vs fear, get a natural 20 and kick some squiddy old ones ass!! Then destroy the ninja with its innards!!! Arrrr!

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