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(From mFf, another thread)
If you think someone is being tactless, or condescending, or a poor ally, or denying someone a voice who needs it more, or even "going to far", then for God's sake say how and why. Don't just bandy about a term which is little more than a substitute for "political correctness gone maaaaad!"
This is more than fair. Please allow me to attempt to re-phrase my objections:
I felt offended by Boboss’ and I am a Bat’s comments. My comments were based on anger and were not well thought through: Written in the heat of the moment while juggling other things… I was in a rush to comment. I am very sorry that I took an attack posture and got personal. There is no excuse for that and I can only offer my deep apologies for my sleights.
My primary reason for taking offence is the use of the term “misogynistic”. The word’s use in this case makes no sense because a woman taking her husband’s name in no way implies that the husband forced her to do it because he hates women. I believe its use here is both sensationalist and reactionary. It seemd to me to be bandied about to curry the favour of posters with feminist and/or liberal leanings, like a catch phrase used in this particular case to proclaim one’s Liberalness. (Sorry if I infer too much) The fact that Boboss clams he’s surprised that no-one loathes the idea is very presumptuous, and his statement that, barring exceptional reasons (such as wishing to distance oneself from one’s family) to want to change one’s name, there is no valid reason for a woman to do it is insulting: What if a woman chooses to do it on a whim? Because it’s a gesture she wishes to make? Because it will piss someone off? How dare you judge? Maybe many women do it because they feel like that have to for some reason or because that it’s the acceptable thing to do, and that’s sad. I hope they one day realize that they have a choice. But if a woman wants to, you can’t just say it’s wrong or stupid, or *misogynistic*.
My next reason for taking offence was Bat’s stating that it would be somehow wrong for a woman to take her husbands name, but it’s acceptable if he takes hers, if its a cooler name…
What if his family name is cool? A woman can’t want that name because it would be a perpetration of a millennia-long corrupt patriarchal male-dominated system? It sounds like he’s saying, “No, no, no… You can’t want to change your name because it will mean that your husband is going to think he owns you! Everyone will think he owns you! You have to take a stand for all women and throw off the shackles of female slavery!!! … By the way… Can I be your slave?” it felt deeply hypocritical to me
Again, I’m really trying to drive home the fact that I respect the woman’s choice. Whatever it may be. If a woman has no choice, I’m against that. I think it’s insulting that people are saying that unless under extreme circumstance a woman should not choose to take her husband’s name. ”Do whatever you want as long as it’s what I say” is what I’m hearing.
Sorry... but not wanting to perpetuate a relic of the patriarchal ownership of women isn't a sign of "self-loathing."
Point taken, and again, I chose my words poorly. It was a cop-out to frame it thusly rather than think about what was offending me and respond intelligently. ( Btw, Milton: As much as I’m sure we’ll butt heads, I really appreciate your recent comments here and in “Fashion” where you are pushing me to write better and more sincerely. You don’t accept lazy writing and I know I can be lazy. A heartfelt “Thank you” for giving enough of a shit to try nudge me into improving.)
A couple of weeks ago I was really starting to like you, freektemple. Well done on erasing any vestige of goodwill in record time.
Mordant, you only know me by my posts, and I know that sometimes I have trouble articulating my thoughts, especially when I get caught up in things. I know I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, writing in a reactionary fashion, apologizing for offending, then re-wording my thoughts to better reflect my ideas. I’m sorry, but it’s growing pains.
I am a Bat: I am harsher on your comment because if I’m honest, I was kinda ticked at your “Buster” jab over in Random Thoughts. I think it got under my skin more than I wanted to admit.
Getting a bit cross now.
Boboss: I read your recent comment after writing the above. I did infer that you thought the whole practice of a woman taking her husband’s name was misogynistic. I took it to heart and got personal… If I had the chance I’d offer to buy you a beer and apologize face to face. "I’m sorry" in print will be the best I can do. |
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