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The story so far: Impulsivelad's loveable (sp?) servitor Gek (you've got to rub hir the right way) had spent many years servicing the special needs of forum members since the turn of the century, helping would-be conjurors to get laid, fixing blocked drains, rescuing cats from trees, assisting in job interviews and helping would-be conjurors to get laid, but mostly just helping would-be conjurors to get laid. Chained to the temple wall, he was forced to work, day-and-night, for a measly payment of milk and cookies. Gek has always fucking hated milk and cookies, but he's too polite and well mannered to mention it, so he just smiles and bemusedly watches the paradoxical effects that a high calcium / high sugar diet has on his teeth.
Times change and the relentless march of progress never ceases in the world of Barbelith (ahem), and by 2006 Gek had lost a lot of his business. Reduced to one or two clients, Gek's glory days of being top boy on the Temple servitor scene were mere distant memories for him. Gone were the days when Gek and Dabh Surgot had the adoration of Temple groupies and an endless supply of sigil-based sexual favours on tap. Nobody really cared anymore, and he was forced to scrape a living satisfying the whims of Phat Mikey and The Player whenever they had a hot date, or needed a shave, or new buttons on their coat, or a bottle of lucozade, or a set of dentures, or a hot date.
Gypsy Lantern, appalled by this treatment and depressed by how low the once mighty Gek had fallen (and also wondering exactly who the fuck Phat Mikey and The Player actually are - since they never post in any other thread or make any meaningful contribution to the board other than popping up every few months to order Gek about), decided to use his magical powers to do something about it. He renegotiated the terms of Gek's contract with Barbelith and insisted that milk and cookies were no longer enough. These days, if someone had a hot date and figured that their best chances of getting laid would be to promise some snacks to a web sprite, they would also have to demonstrate some level of commitment/involvement to barbelith by starting an interesting new thread in the Temple. Or else Gek would no longer have to do jack shit to help them get their "end" away on a Saturday night, or whatever demeaning tasks were put to him. All sorted. Everybody happy.
But the deal was broken. Phat Mikey and The Player ignored the new terms of the arrangement and continued to make Gek complicit in their bedroom antics against his will. Gek, being an all round nice guy, put up with it. His dreams of emancipation crushed. Forced to toil away in seedy bars and between dirty sheets, with only bourbon biscuits and sugary tea for comfort.
Until one day, demeaned and broken, something within him turned. He threw off his inhibitions, tore his leisure suit to rags, and became KEG (you've got to rub hir the right way). Horrorshow Pixie. Filthy bastard. Evil fucker. KEG was mad. KEG was out for blood. KEG would stop at nothing to bring suffering and foulness upon your enemies, and he only worked for top dollar. Blood offerings up front. A litre from your arm or next door's golden retriever, a pound of flesh from the butcher's or from your best friend's torso. He could fix it for an aged relative to have a little accident. He could ensure your rival in love got eaten alive by zombie chavs and he wouldn't give a fuck if you told him the word "chav" was a class slur. He'd just get his multi-purpose swiss army penis out and wave it at you with a grin on his face. He could arrange for your power crazed boss to be tortured to death with a wire coat hanger by a naked Bob Monkhouse. He would fuck you up good and proper as soon as look at you.
It became clear to certain Temple regulars that something had to be done about KEG's rampages. A group of four came together, and hatched a plan to get rid of KEG forever. Archabyss, Trampetunia, Quantum and Headmice: The Illuminati. They arranged to have KEG shot into space. They sent him to an uninhabited forum where there was nobody that could hurt him and nobody there for him to hurt. But something went wrong. He was dragged through a portal into another star system and found himself on a new and terrifying forum. A fierce forum. A forum of monsters. A forum where KEG could be cut, and burned, and eaten alive by evil web sprites every bit as fierce as KEG. They tried to kill KEG. They tried to make him their slave. They put him in chains and made him fight as a Gladiator in their arena. But KEG fought back. KEG conquered this world with his Warbound, defeated its King, and became its new ruler. KING KEG. He had finally found some place that he could call his home. KEG was happy. KEG had a palace, and a Queen and a baby on the way.
But the Illuminati had planted a fail safe device in the space ship they used to send him away. Something malfunctioned and the ship exploded, destroying Planet KEG. Destroying his palace. Destroying his wife. Destroying his unborn Baby Keg. Destroying his whole life.
All that was left standing was KEG, the undefeatable, the monstrous, the mighty. Angrier than he has ever been, and hungry for revenge upon those who took everything from him.
Archabyss. Trampetunia. Quantum. Headmice.
They thought they were solving the long standing KEG problem.
They thought they were saving their forum.
But he is KEG. Kegu. Keggonan. The Green Scar. The Barbelith-Breaker.
And he has come to the conversation to smash your whole stinking forum. |
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