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Bury the dead. Salt the earth. Make merry by the moonlight!

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06:51 / 15.02.07

q. what do you say to a person with two black eyes?

a. the rhinoplastery was a success, the swelling will go down in a couple of weeks....

07:09 / 15.02.07

or "Do you want me to take you to my leader?"

08:12 / 15.02.07

or 'nice, my eyes are brown - see?' (or 'my eyes are red, 'cause i hardly stopped laughing since i read the new joke thread on 'lith. heck, ya wanna see that thing')

08:17 / 15.02.07

q. What do you say to a person with a swollen lip?

a. The botox swelling will.... oh forget it.

10:04 / 15.02.07

A man with two black eyes walks into a bar. He orders a drink and sits down next to a pretty blonde.

"I Have 6 million Jews, about the same amount of muslims and christians enclosed in a large fenced-off area with a good amount of security.

I have a rabbi, a Muslim and a Catholic priest. I have a whole bunch of Irish people, Poles, South Africans and Americans. I have at least one hundred members of every ethnicity from around the world.

I've got women with blonde hair, women with big breasts, women drivers, women in burkhas. I've got women with high paid jobs, I've got woman secretaries, i've got sex workers and nurses.

I've got lesbians, gays, bisexuals, trans people. I've even got disabled people!

I've got a mix of every race, ethnicity, gender and sexual persuasion here. I've got ugly poor people, easy poor people, and poor people who steal things.

I have five massive generators that can provide enough electricity to power half of Europe. I have enough combustible liquids to slash-and-burn the Amazon rainforest. We have spikes, rockets and a massive tannoy system.

I have five-story-high perimeter fences manned with ex-military heavy security. We're situated far enough from any town or city that no-one need know what we're doing.

It's going to be quite a party, if you know what i mean..."

"Well yes, it's remarkable what you're trying to do for world harmony, Mister Simmons"

Says the blonde as she finishes her drink

"But i still think Kiss are shit."

11:35 / 15.02.07

"Also Gene, you're looking old dude, and the competition is getting tougher...

...and why do have two black-eyed peas with you?"

11:47 / 15.02.07

A blonde walks into a bar, notices a misogynistic internet troll and says Listen kid, I'm not gonna bullshit you, all right? I don't give a good fuck what you know, or don't know, but I'm gonna torture you anyway, regardless. Not to get information. It's amusing, to me, to torture a misogynist internet troll. You can say anything you want cause I've heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get. [He removes his razor] You ever listen to K-Billy's "Super Sounds of the Seventies" weekend? It's my personal favorite...

*Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right...*

12:50 / 15.02.07

A man walks into a bar.

Should have looked where he was going. Dick.

The Ghost of Tom Winter

13:22 / 15.02.07

What'd the lawyer name her daughter?

Sue.

-----

What happened to Flower's bike?

Her pedals fell off.

21:15 / 15.02.07

Among a load of others told to me by a student, so maybe doubtful provenance (I suspect sexist magazine).

An old man walks into a brothel and says to the madame, “I want a young girl.”
The madame says, “You? A young girl? How old are you?”
“Ninety!”
“Ninety?” the madame says. “You’ve had it!”
“Oh, right,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a mop.

One or two others I found funny but they depend too much on taste.

21:39 / 15.02.07

Two flies are on the ceiling. One turns to the other and says, "Your man's down".

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:01 / 16.02.07

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child.

"Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!."

As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.

"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.

"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.

"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp."

12:43 / 16.02.07

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am
I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young
polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you
are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked
his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said
his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his
parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real
polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing."

12:52 / 16.02.07

Yesterday evening, I also heard a bear joke:

**********
Rumours spread through the forest, that the bear had a death list. So one night, the fox visited him.

"Hi bear! Is it true, you´ve got a death list?"
"Yes."
"Am I on it?"
"Yes."
Crestfallen, the fox left. The next day, he was found dead.

That night, the badger visited the bear.
"Good evening, badger, what can I do for you?"
"Well, about that death list of yours..."
"What about it?"
"Am I on it?"
"Yes you are."
Gloomily, the badger left. And again, he was found dead the next day.

That evening the bunny visited the bear.
"Hello bear!"
"Hello bunny!"
"Am I on your death list?"
"That you are!"
"Could you scratch my name off your list?"
"Sure, no problem"
***********

Hm, maybe you had to be there, or it´s the way it gets told?

11:35 / 18.02.07

I went to the buchers the other day and asked for two sirloins.

"I'll just get a step ladder" the butcher answered.

That's right...the stakes where high.

There was a sit com on staurday a while ago, with Tim Vine in it - a line from it which made me chuckle -

"I'm sorry to hear about you grandmother dying, how old was she?"
"Ninety-seven. I always thought that she'd live until she was a hundred!"
"Were you close?"
"Well, I was three years out..."

11:56 / 18.02.07

I think it'd be all right if you listened to 'the voices' now, B the B.

You know, the ones who tell you to do those things.

11:59 / 18.02.07

Those things that maybe aren't easily explained.

To the police and social services.

Well we've all done them!

(Just make sure you don't get caught ...)

12:01 / 18.02.07

Timing!

What's the secret of comedy?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:17 / 18.02.07

Mist- I liked it. Except it's clearly implausible- no way could a bear take out a badger.

13:55 / 18.02.07

The badger had obviously caught the bear stealing his honey and had faked his own death so the bear could save face, but delivered a very stern warning. That's why it was so easy for the bunny to persaude him to spare his life.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:00 / 18.02.07

Ah. NOW we're talking. I get it.

14:41 / 18.02.07

But how do we know, the bear did it? Maybe the bear originally wrote the list for kicks and the deaths were due to the self-fullfilling prophecies effect? Maybe only the first half of the joke was real, and the second part dreamt by the dying bunny?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:46 / 18.02.07

Blimey, Mist, that's one complicated joke. Did David Lynch tell you it?

15:10 / 18.02.07

The bear is Richard Nixon. That's the key to this particular door.

15:25 / 18.02.07

Did David Lynch tell you it?

No, but he was under the influence.

And let´s not forget: noone has even seen that list. Maybe the bear was framed?

16:25 / 19.02.07

If said bear have a death list it would be really easy for people to frame him. All they'd need to do is slaughter the animals on the list and everyone would think it was the bear. It's the perfect crime, they'd never catch me... I mean the murderer.

*phew* Nearly gave myself away there.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:32 / 19.02.07

Kind of like Jim Rockford, but for bears?

21:52 / 19.02.07

Sincere apologies if this one was in the previous thread, but I haven't read it and I'm not going to.

A janitor is sitting on a bus when a professor sits down next to him. The professor is very young, very smart, and very proud of it. He turns to the janitor and says:
"I propose we play a game. I ask you a question. If you cannot answer it, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question. If I cannot answer it, I'll pay you $50."

The janitor agrees, and goes first:

"What goes up a hill on two legs, and down a hill on four?" The professor thinks for a while, then hands over the $50.
"I don't know. What?"
"I don't know either," the man replies, and pays $5 back.

01:00 / 20.02.07

actually, the bunny did it, but hir first big mistake was to get hir name off the list...

what did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? here come the elephants.

what did tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill in sunglasses? nothing, he didn't recognise them.

01:27 / 20.02.07

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

05:08 / 21.02.07

So an atom of cesium walks into a random bar and slouches down on a stool. The bartender moseys up and asks, "What's the trouble?"

Our cesium atom replies in a low and mopey tone, "I think I lost an electron."

"That's terrible!" replies the bartender. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

(ba-dum ding!) A classic of first-year chemistry.

17:50 / 07.03.07

18:19 / 02.04.07

The teacher´s doughnut on the right surely must be a sign of approval?

08:55 / 03.04.07

00:39 / 21.08.07

How does SirAlan Sugar put his kids to bed?

"You're tired"

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