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Bury the dead. Salt the earth. Make merry by the moonlight!

 
  

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iamus
01:06 / 13.02.07
How do you turn a duck into a Bill With....

No. Wait.



Fuck.
 
 
Baz Auckland
01:37 / 13.02.07
There was a joke that I thought was in the joke thread, but I can't seem to find it... it had a little girl answering the phone, and not to ruin the punchline, involved firemen, policemen, and a helicopter. Anyone remember?
 
 
Baz Auckland
02:17 / 13.02.07
Apologies to any viola players, or friends of, but it's the only joke I could remember...

Jimmy comes running home from school one day all smiling and happy and says "Mommy! Mommy! Today we did numbers at school and everyone got stuck on 12, but I counted all the way to 20!"

Jimmy's mother smiles back and says "Very good Jimmy, that's because you're a viola player."

The next day Jimmy comes running home again, smiling even more and yells "Mommy! Mommy! Today we learned the alphabet and everyone got stuck on P, but I said the whole thing!"

Mommy says "That's great Jimmy. It's because you're a viola player."

On the third day, Jimmy runs home as fast as he can looking like he's going to burst with happiness and yells "Mommy! Mommy! Today at school we measured ourselves, and I was the tallest in the class! Is it because I'm a viola player?"

Mommy says "No, Jimmy. It's because you're 24 years old."
 
 
iamus
02:24 / 13.02.07
Ooooh.... Viola jokes.

Now that does bring it all back.
 
 
HCE
03:42 / 13.02.07
Just for the record, are we letting the other thread sink?
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
03:46 / 13.02.07
So a duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Got any grapes?"
Bartender says,
"No, this is a bar, we don't have any grapes,"

The duck leave, but the next day in he walks,
"Got any grapes?"
"No, we don't have any grapes, this is a BAR"

The duck leave. For the next five days the duck returns asking for grapes. On the 6th day the bartender replies,
"No, we don't have any grapes and we never will. If you come in here asking for grapes again I am going to nail your feet to the floor!"

The next day the duck walks in,
"Got any nails?"
The bartender glares at him, "No..."

"Got any grapes?"
 
 
Slate
05:36 / 13.02.07
A woman, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Maam," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of
the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called
the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last
question doctor, what are those two big round things about
12'-14' behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"
 
 
Quantum
09:39 / 13.02.07
Just for the record, are we letting the other thread sink?

I think we're putting the feet of the other thread in a bucket of concrete and putting bricks into it's pockets.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
09:41 / 13.02.07
I think you meant 12"-14" there dude. Unless that was one special penis.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
09:46 / 13.02.07
STONEHENGE! WHERE A MAN'S A MAN!
AND THE CHILDREN DANCE TO THE PIPES OF PAN!
 
 
miss wonderstarr
10:01 / 13.02.07
That last joke seems to have fallen through a time-slip from, I don't know, Boston 1884.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
10:08 / 13.02.07
A. Hvernig var ferðalagið?
B. Alveg hljómandi gott!
 
 
pureflook
10:19 / 14.02.07
An Irishman, a Jew and a Pakistani walk into a pub....









what a fine example of a functioning multi-cultural society!
 
 
Triplets
18:04 / 14.02.07
I liked Leg's one:

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?











A: Are you okay?
 
 
Proinsias
18:16 / 14.02.07
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra..
 
 
miss wonderstarr
18:38 / 14.02.07
A blonde walks into a bar and says "All societies on the verge of death are masculine. A society can survive with only one man; no society will survive a shortage of women."

 
 
nighthawk
19:00 / 14.02.07
A man comes home one day to see his flatmate drinking brake fluid.

"What the f**k are you doing ?", he asks.

"Don't worry", his friend replies, "I can stop whenever I want."
 
 
nighthawk
19:06 / 14.02.07
Two nuns are going on a long car journey across Transylvania. The day passes without any problems, but halfway through the night a vampire bursts out from the roadside and jumps onto their car.

"Quick", cries the terrified nun, "show him your cross!"

"Oi!" shouts her friend. "GET OFF THE F**KING CAR!"
 
 
Make me Uncomfortable
19:23 / 14.02.07
So this female student is getting a checkup from her doctor on campus, and when she takes her shirt off there is a big A bruise on her chest. The doctor asks why there is a bruise shaped like an A on her chest, and she says "oh, well, when me and my boyfriend make love, he likes to leave his varsity jacket on, and he goes to the University of Alabama.

It makes a certain ammount of sense, and the doctor lets it go until the next week, when he sees a female student who has a similar letter I on her chest. "My boyfriend keeps his jacket on when we do stuff, and he goes to U. of Iowa, n'at."

The third week he sees another female patient. She's got a big M on her chest. "Does he go to University of Michigan?" he asks.

"No, Doctor. _she_ goes to _Wisconsin_."
 
 
grant
19:24 / 14.02.07
A The Little Book Of Barbarian Wisdom, a SNOW! and a Male Feminist Blog walk into a Mambo Party.

The The Little Book Of Barbarian Wisdom says, "Questions and Answers - Part 3."

The SNOW! says, "A joke to cheer everyone up. Mayhap, this could turn into a prolonged and merry joke thread..."

The bartender says, "Gives me a happy," and goes back to Avoiding gainful employment.

The Male Feminist Blog turns to the SNOW! and says, "For those about to drink, we salute you!"

And SNOW! replies, "CALM ME DOWN."

------

Yeah, it's topical humor, but, y'know....
 
 
Triplets
19:35 / 14.02.07
grant, I think you need to think about... groan-owner insurance.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
19:46 / 14.02.07
Is it too late on Valentine's Day for me to fall in love with grant?
 
 
Liger Null
19:47 / 14.02.07
I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson, "Where's the
self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 
 
Make me Uncomfortable
20:10 / 14.02.07
Liger Null, that reminds me of the second half of the one about the Buddhist monk who ordered a hotdog.

The first half is that he asks the hot dog vendor to "Make me one with Everything."

The second half is that after giving the vendor a $10 bill expecting $7 back, nothing happened. The monk asked the vendor about the $7, and the vendor pointed out to the monk that "Change can only come from within."
 
 
miss wonderstarr
20:35 / 14.02.07
Oh my god. Is that the ultimate joke-thread joke or just horribly ironic.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
20:38 / 14.02.07
The ultimately horrible irony is that I'm pretty sure that one's IN the original thread somewhere.

The really, really stupid part is that I can't be arsed to trawl through to find it.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
20:39 / 14.02.07
It's the first post of the first page.
 
 
Mistoffelees
21:16 / 14.02.07
It is! I like such coincidents.
 
 
Make me Uncomfortable
21:24 / 14.02.07
Whoa- weird.

Thats one of my old standby jokes- it's pretty much age-friendly and situation-appropriate no matter where I tell it. I just joined today- I didn't even know there was an older jokes thread (well, except that this thread is labeled as the "brand spaking new" one).
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
21:26 / 14.02.07
It's the first post of the first page.

That's the really, really, really stupid part about me not being arsed.

Or am I just lazy?

YOU DECIDE!!! Text LAZY or STUPID to etc etc...
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:27 / 14.02.07
As you value your sanity, TaTB--don't open it.
 
 
Make me Uncomfortable
21:30 / 14.02.07
Duly noted.
 
 
astrojax69
21:47 / 14.02.07
i still wanna know, why are downpipes so sad?

(and stoatie, it's never too late to fall in love with grant)
 
 
Tsuga
23:18 / 14.02.07
Just for the record, are we letting the other thread sink?

I think we're putting the feet of the other thread in a bucket of concrete and putting bricks into it's pockets.


I thought it was already gone, in a kind of murder-suicide?
 
 
madfigs #32, now with wasabi
01:01 / 15.02.07
I think grant has the right idea, it works for trolls too...

Q: On what ticket did Grant Morrison's wife run for parliament?
A: The Sexy Party.

And if she's a blonde, that pretty much covers all the bases.
 
  

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