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I identify as a heterosexual man (as differentiated from simply male), but not as straight. The former, purely because I have only ever had or wanted to have sexual experiences with women. The latter, because I've frequently had non-sexual crushes on men - usually celebrities - based on both appearance and presented personality, who I have no problem in referring to as truly smoking hot (and because I also identify as a pervert and straight just doesn't seem to fit as an identifying label). I also, curiously, have occasionally fantasised about fellating myself, as if I was someone else - not fantasised about in a sexual sense, as in to get myself off, but I feel it probably would if I did. The possible irony in my not generally like receiving head, but occasionally liking the idea of giving it to myself, who doesn't generally like receiving head but occasionally likes the idea of giving it to myself, who doesn't... anyway. That's not lost on me.
This is the first time I've ever articulated the above to anyone other than myself. This is largely because, while I'm happy with and am settled into the above identification, a lot of the people I know IRL aren't sufficiently broadminded to accept or understand it, while they'd be perfectly happy to discuss any aspect of my many and varied perversions with no judgement or even a raised eyebrow. I've not discussed it here before because there's never really been an opportunity that I've noticed. From my experience I think it's a valid comment that heterosexuality and 'straightness', especially for men, is an underexamined area. The comments that Disco and Deva have made about the fact that cultural chatter about heterosexuality/straightness is so prevalent that it's like background noise in every situation in our society are perfectly correct. It's everywhere, and I can understand how they may feel unable and unwilling to tune it out as so many seem to. However, I don't think that's the same thing as discourse on the subject. In that way, heterosexuality/straightness feels to me like the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there, but no one - especially straights/hets - wants to bring it up and talk about why it's there and what to do about it.
In wider society (the 'real world') I think this is because a lot of people don't want to question certain assumptions about themselves, for fear they be seen as different to what they consider to be the norm (and in a culture that practices and cherishes heteronormativity, that's heterosexuality). There's a safety and security in identifying as heterosexual and as straight. I think it's a false security (because it's based on a dodgy foundation) but there you go...
In more rarified communities like this one, I think the lack of examination tends to be because the province of the heterosexual/straight male is one that comes with a history of privilege that acts as baggage, which refers back to Disco's first post in this thread. There's the feeling that people are fed up of having the heterosexual/straight male shoved down their throat, if you'll forgive the expression, and would prefer to spend their time discussing more culturally marginalised expressions of identity. After all, examination and discussion of self-identification, knowing yourself and allowing others to then share in that knowledge, is partly a process of empowerment, and I think there's a perception that the heterosexual/straight male has had plenty of empowerment this evening, sure as hell isn't getting served any more, and should maybe think about calling it a night and hailing a taxi before he becomes a problem to the doorstaff. I'm not doing a fathers-for-justice and asking everyone to feel sorry for the poor wee privileged straight white guy - it's just that as someone who likes to examine labels and identifications within society, and who identifies as a non-straight heterosexual, I've found this to be perfectly understandable, but frustrating. It's telling that I only feel I can express this on Barbelith on what's been called a low snark thread, and to be honest, I'm typing this without any real conviction that I'll avoid the snark even in a thread like this.
Anyway, thanks for your time. |
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