Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Dumped by txt - life in the tech age sucks.

Page: (1)2 3 4

04:05 / 28.04.06

[astrojax 69], i'm not sure if i fit into the reality or fantasy part of yr life. when you work out which one and, most crucially, finish yr book, then give me a call. i'm sorry, i need time out. pls don't come to [name of pub we were meeting at tonight]
[demanding lover] xoxoxo

so reads the message of goodbye. this from a friend of near thirteen years and a new-ish relationship since early jan that started when she moved in as a housemate and developed the friendship we already had - and having almost got it together eleven or so yrs ago... thought it was all going well. i can reaf the signs, can't i.

by txt. fuck.

we had a long conversation yesterday in which i thought i had outlined my position on how and why i love her, what she means and where i see us going; she seemed happy enough and i left her in my bed this am [she has a last day off, been crook with a cold this wk] smiling at me, telling me she'll see me at the pub after work tonight. fuck.

sure, i have recently come out of a near ten yr relationship, ended in first august, then really finally november last year, involved a sort of infatuation with another woman, one i actually actively didn't want - drove me to distraction and lead to life on anti-depressants - but i have done a lot of moving on since then. and this wonderful person helped enormously.

what gives?

Happy Dave Has Left

06:51 / 28.04.06

Dude, don't worry, I once got dumped by text. I was sitting on the bog at the time.

Oh, the humanity!

07:03 / 28.04.06

do you really want to go out with someone who'd do that anyway? Lucky escape.

lonely as a cloud...

07:06 / 28.04.06

By text! That's fucking harsh. And cowardly.

Have to say, I agree with Jub. If they don't have the (metaphorical) balls to say it to your face, then just leave it.

07:21 / 28.04.06

Text them a picture of your arse.

Hattie's Kitchen

07:45 / 28.04.06

Ah, happened to me about 6 months ago (was only a month-long fling but still...) and it sucks donkey balls. However, you've had a very lucky escape - would you really want to waste time on someone who has such a lack of respect for your feelings that they can't even manage the courtesy of telling you something like that to your face?

ONLY NICE THINGS

07:52 / 28.04.06

Unless.... somebody got hold of their phone and sent you that text to head you off. Might be worth calling her, to be on the safe side...

08:04 / 28.04.06

when she moved in as a housemate

Are you still sharing a place (I hope not)?

Sorry to hear that, astrojax. That sucks. Good luck, and whatever you do, don't listen to Haus.

08:07 / 28.04.06

Haus really has been watching too many Hugh Grant movies.

08:46 / 28.04.06

Someone breaking up with you hurts whatever way they do it. You have my sympathies Astrojax.

But I feel I ought to suggest that posters avoid making any judgements. In previous threads of this type it's been noted that the other person involved doesn't have any way of telling us their side of the story, and we are not aware of the context of the situation. So perhaps we should just stick to giving Astrojax huggles and support?

08:54 / 28.04.06

Well, that "xoxoxo" business does muddy the waters somewhat, and the fact that it would seem that she doesn't want to rule out the possibility of you having a future.

09:31 / 28.04.06

I think that if someone were to break up with me, I'd prefer it by text or by email or maybe by letter. I would be far more likely to be able to disguise my distress and control my response in that way. There'd be no tearful sleeping together for the last time as a twisted goodbye, there'd be less anger and misguided violence, there'd be no public displays of regrettable emotion. Instead, if you're at home and you get a text, quickly there could be songs that you always listen to when you've been hurt or have hurt someone, there could be the fluffy zebu you've had since childhood waiting to be hugged, there could be a cupboard already stocked with a jar of dulce de leche.

09:37 / 28.04.06

Er, yeah, but I think a lot of us would like some kind of explanation, and texts aren't the best format for that.

09:43 / 28.04.06

That's not to say texts are always a bad way to go. I can think of circumstances where dumping by text would make sense.

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:07 / 28.04.06

I can see advantages and disadvantages, certainly. There's nothing worse than travelling hundreds of miles to your inamorata, expecting the love, only to find that they want to break up with you. Having a sofa and Doom 3 nearby, and having the dumper iimmediately removed from the environment by the simple act of putting down the phone, closing the chat window or similar is also advantageous in a way.

However, I think it's at least in part about the dumper taking responsibility by putting themselves in a position where they have to take and accept the immediate emotional response of the dumpee - a kind of readiness to put oneself in the field of fire. It also makes it possible to avoid any ambiguity by immediate clarification.

10:20 / 28.04.06

Ze is not worthy of you (and, like Haus, I do think you should ring her up and explain this in some detail.)

But;

Basically, you have to finish the book. Once you're a famous, talented and successful international author (or at least in a position whereby you can lie about this convincingly - I'd highly recommend getting an agent, details of companies who are apparently prepared to put up with just about anything available on request, via PM.)

But you do have to finish the book.

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:23 / 28.04.06

Oh, writing one? I hadn't thought of it that way.

10:45 / 28.04.06

*Pisses sides. Inappropriately, considering.*

10:56 / 28.04.06

I don't believe in anything at all. I just like to think aboutb golf, and cry and cry and cry.

Is it so wrong?

13:17 / 28.04.06

Is there a good way to be dumped? I'm trying to think of a time when anyone has said "yeah, it was great the way s/he split up me - I felt really valued".

Maybe a jokey way - give someone an engagement ring on a wee bit of elastic or something

13:32 / 28.04.06

I do happen to think there are better and worse ways, yeah, but quite what's better and what's worse should be decided on a case by case basis. Although as a basic rule of thumb I'd suggest being clear and unambiguous when doing the dumping. Explain your reasons, don't offer false hope, and try to be sensitive to the dumpee's feelings. Of course subscribing to the above won't do anything to make the process pleasant, in fact I'd suggest that it makes the act of dumping harder in that you actually have to face up to your actions, but in the longer term hopefully everyone benefits.

13:33 / 28.04.06

Maybe I’m just really bad at accepting when a relationship is over, but are you sure you’ve been dumped astro? My response would be: “Ok, I won’t come to the pub. Hope you have a good night and I’ll just meet you at yours afterwards.”

In all seriousness, it sounds like she just wants some time to herself. Doesn’t sound like the relationship is totally over.

And you should have no trouble finishing the book now that you will introduce a new character loosely based on your ex as the novel’s figure of hate.

15:19 / 28.04.06

The words used were "time out" not "dumped". Perhaps I'm being over-charitable (again), but whatever it is it sounds as if something has made her uncomfortable enough with the relationship that she needs you to do something or other before she can accept it.
Yeah, it could be an "it's not you, it's me", but it strikes me as being a bit more than that.
Or she could be dicking you around. If you love her, benefit of the doubt can go a long way.
Mind you, with my track record, I wouldn't take my advice.

15:30 / 28.04.06

Um - I'm afraid I have to disagree, I'd say that's pretty final. 'Time out' doesn't tend to mean anything more than 'I want away'.

As for being snotty about your fantasy life - plus the comment about your book ... god, tell her to get knotted.

Sending a text like that is just not on - it's cowardly. And while I understand people saying they'd rather get a text or email, the problem is that it's open to interpretation, and it's hard to establish exactly what someone means, if you can't ask them.

Sorry to hear about this, astrojax. I hope you're feeling okay.

15:31 / 28.04.06

I'm with cube. Maybe she just want you to sort out your life, dude, take action, etc etc. But, then again, maybe not and she just doesn't have the guts to say the straight truth.

Anyway, dude, it sucks

Less searchable M0rd4nt

15:37 / 28.04.06

I don't think there's anything wrong with writing down your thoughts and feelings when you're getting ready to break up with someone, but jeeze--have the heart to read them the letter in person or something.

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:57 / 28.04.06

Actually, due to broadcasting restrictions, my last break-up was spoken by an actor.

17:05 / 28.04.06

I once broke up with someone by flex. No shit. My biceps, their pain.

17:09 / 28.04.06

I'd be made up if someone broke up with me via Tom Baker.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

17:11 / 28.04.06

They'd better hurry- I hear they're taking him off the voice-text thing.

Although Tom Baker did phone me last week to offer me money, which was nice...

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

18:13 / 28.04.06

Bah. I once used a musical as the medium for my breakup. Wrote and directed it myself, I did. To quote Bender: "I like my breakups to be as memorable as they are devastating".

18:44 / 28.04.06

Hey, the best way to break up is to deny there ever was a relationship to begin with:

"Listen, woman, I'm not your boyfriend, we just had casual sex for the last 18 months. We were, at most, serial one-night standers. Now, buh-bye"

But, perhaps, we're diminishing astro's suffering here...

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

18:48 / 28.04.06

Oh jeez, I've just read this whole thread and am horrified. (Not by the responses, but by the situation itself.) It's very much like when someone dumps you via the answering machine. Good Lord.

I myself have never been fond of having to break up with people, but I refuse to do it over the phone or voicemail. I feel it's only fair that you meet up with that person--preferably in semi-public place with alcohol for them to drown their sorrows in afterwards--and tell them what's going on. No matter how awful or whatever the reason is, you always should do it in person.

And if you're worried about their mental health, wear Kevlar under your clothes. Nothing's worse than having the person you dumped try to kill you. Believe me, I've been there and it wasn't fun.

Tryphena Absent

18:48 / 28.04.06

It's a bit gutless to blame your own feelings of uncertainty on someone else and i'm not sure if i fit into the reality or fantasy part of yr life is definitely a way to do that.

19:04 / 28.04.06

Yeah, Nina's got a point there. If you two were on a relationship, how the hell can she be on the "fantasy part of your life"?

maybe you should move to the anger part of the whole thing and convince yourself you're better off without her...

Page: (1)2 3 4