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I recently read a bunch of comics in one sitting and I had to speak or be driven mad...mad I say! Please, can someone stop the insanity?
NANO TECHNOLOGY - it kills people, it controls minds, it rebuilds severed limbs, it eliminates underarm odor.
TAROT CARDS - when I see tarot cards in a comic I don't think, "Here's an interesting writer who knows a thing or two about chaos magic and the secret symbolism of the world." I think, "Ew, here's a lunk with a soft-boiled egg for a brain who wants to pawn off Alan Moore and Grant Morrison's old ideas like they were something new but the best they can do are these crummy cards that are most often wielded by Sister Cleo on the Psychic Hotline."
SUPERHEROES DEBATING WHETHER OR NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH GEO POLITICS: either do it or don't. But please, shut up about it.
LAME EXCUSES SUPERHEROES COME UP WITH NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH GEOPOLITICS: basically you can't be bothered. It's boring and complicated. You'd rather watch the new season of "Everwood". Whatever. But your sagacious justifications sound like bad fortune cookies.
SUPERHEROES TAKING OVER THE WORLD EASILY AND MAKING GOVERNMENTS TREMBLE: okay, okay. It's easy. The President makes pee pee in his pants. You cut through the rhetoric by saving starving people. Peace and justice for all. Make war no more. Now balance the budget you giant super-schmuck.
QUIPS: why do superheroes hit someone and then quip? Who are they quipping to if their enemy is on the ground trying to pick up their shattered teeth? Themselves? Because the guy whose jaw you just broke isn't going to have a comeback ready and his ears are ringing so hard he probably can't hear you anyways. If superheroes existed I'd want a high powered sniper rifle and I'd wait for them to hit someone and then quip and then I'd blow their brains out. "I guess you're the BRAINS of the operation," I'd quip. And then someone would blow MY brains out and so on and so forth.
WOMEN IN PORNO POSES: I understand that comic book women have no body fat, three inch waists, have never heard of cellulite, don't go through menopause, are totally hairless, get their bikini lines, eyebrows and underarms waxed twice a day, never menstruate, and feel more comfortable in bikinis, but must they strike porno poses when they stand still. You know - butt out and to the side, boobs jutting perkily upwards, arms behind the shoulders, legs extended to tippy toes? If this is how they prefer to stand around why are they fighting crime? Why not just go directly to adult films? Jenna Jameson does okay.
PEOPLE TELEPORTING: driving sucks. Flying's not much better. And don't get me started on the train. But can we give writers a free pass so that they can just magically transport their characters from place to place without relying on dimensional shifting, boom tubes, teleportation, or walking between realities? One more scene of the villain turning around and seeing the good guys tumbling out of a dimensional portal like a bunch of angry clowns crawling out of a tiny car and I think everyone should be forced to have a time out.
BARS: try to count the number of meetings, encounters, secret rendez vous and intimate exchanges that take place in comic book bars. Lost count? Of course you have, because it's a number in the low gigabillions. But have any of these writers ever been to a bar? The ones I've been to are so loud you can barely hear the person next to you, the bartender never knows my name (nor is he ever wiping down glasses with a rag), there's rarely a free table, and I'm always having to move so someone can get by me. The bars that are quiet enough to have a conversation in often have a dead cat under one of the tables, and dirty old men with dry, withered fingers staring off into space and crying quietly about their wrecked marriages taking up the bar stools. And what about the giant flat-screen TV's blaring ESPN?
TELEPATHS MAKING PEOPLE FORGET THINGS: my mother always said you don't have to remember your excuse if you just tell the truth. And she's right, damn her. Damn her all to hell. How can Prof. X keep track of all the things he made people forget over the years? And what about those less righteous telepaths. "Do you want to go to my beach house tomorrow?" "What beach house? You have a beach house?" "Never mind." |
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