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Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator

 
  

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Spyder Todd 2008
21:14 / 15.12.05
On August 12th of the year 1349, Chuck Norris used the Lord's name in vain. Some priests then tried to burn him at the stake for blasphemy. Right before they would light the fire, God came down and said "Hey assholes, give him a fucking break. Its fucking Chuck Norris. Christ." In case you were wondering, when I say "used the Lord's name in vain," the name to which I refer is Chuck Norris.

Wow. Words fail me.
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
21:24 / 15.12.05
Awww, there's a letter from Jesus wishing me a Merry Christmas on the Christian Area of his website. I guess Chuck Norris really is on speaking terms with the Lamb of God.
 
 
Slim
02:03 / 16.12.05
Is that before or after he roundhouse kicks it?
 
 
Slim
02:04 / 16.12.05
And a Neverending Story joke with Jonathan Brandis would have been genius. Evil, evil genius.
 
 
LykeX
04:47 / 16.12.05
I was reading this, waiting for the punchline. Or the roundhouse kick line, as it were.

Then I understood.


A clear case of 'ignorance is bliss'.

And here's anasty mental image:
Chuck Norris has steel wool instead of body hair, which is why he does the dishes naked.
 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
07:38 / 16.12.05
Also: The beard of Chuck Norris is made of razor wire, painted with ox blood, and held together by the souls of mortals he has defeated.
 
 
Loomis
07:59 / 16.12.05
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
 
 
pointless & uncalled for
08:44 / 16.12.05
Anyway, I now have this photo of Chuck Norris as my desktop wallpaper, God help me...

Have you learnt nothing? God can't help you now, only Chuck can help you, with roundhouse kicks.
 
 
Chiropteran
12:31 / 16.12.05
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Damn.
 
 
pointless & uncalled for
13:08 / 16.12.05
I heard he once slammed the Gates of Mordor, whilst they were closed.

The noise made Sauron so angry that Chuck Norris gave him a roundhouse kick so hard that all that was left was an eye.
 
 
Hattie's Kitchen
13:30 / 16.12.05
Hellen Keller was actually born with no ailments. However, she became blind, deaf, and dumb at age three after accidentally bumping into Chuck Norris in a crowded city street. Onlookers applauded as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into submission.
 
 
Hieronymus
18:00 / 16.12.05
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

This shit is inspirational.
 
 
Spyder Todd 2008
21:47 / 16.12.05
When the NHL didn't happen last season, 'official' sources claimed it was a players strike, when really it was just because Mr. T pitied the NHL and all its jibba-jabba because they tried to make him wear a helmet over his frohawk when he played. Mr. T don't need no helmet fools!
 
 
Gendudehashadenough
08:24 / 17.12.05
"Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon."

I just read this as:

Every time Chuck Norris pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".

Super.
 
 
matthew.
00:19 / 18.12.05
When Chuck fucks dudes, it's only because he's out of chicks.
 
 
matthew.
00:21 / 18.12.05
You know what? This thread is the best thing that's ever happened to me. *wipes away tear*
 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
04:38 / 18.12.05
Dude, if Chuck were here you'd so be getting roundhouse kicked right now. He cares not for crying. I strongly suggest that you reacquaint yourself with the Delta Force series- you see Chuck crying there? No. Even the hostages in Delta Force 1 don't cry because they know they will soon be in Chuck's presence. It's like how Christians are always happy because God's always watching out for them, except way cooler because it's Chuck.
 
 
Tits win
11:45 / 18.12.05
Yeah, he's like Todd out of Beavis and Butthead.
 
 
Elegant Mess
14:24 / 18.12.05
When Chuck fucks dudes, it's only because he's out of chicks.

 
 
The Falcon
14:50 / 18.12.05
Wait.. there's more!

 
 
matthew.
23:29 / 18.12.05
Is it Chuck Norris' Pu Pu? I'd be afraid his feces would roundhouse kick me. Ha HA
 
 
Haus of Mystery
14:33 / 20.12.05
This just made my day:

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a crocodile so hard it exploded into a pair of crocodile skin cowboy boots and a beard. Chuck wears both to this day.
 
 
Tits win
22:49 / 24.12.05
The ringtone on Chuck Norris's cell phone is a recording of people that he has killed pleading for their lives.
 
 
Tits win
22:53 / 24.12.05
Chuck Norris is the only person alive to have successfully outwitted Sccoby Doo and the Mystery Machine.
 
 
Tits win
22:56 / 24.12.05
Chuck Norris shot at 50 Cent 9 times, but didn't finsh him because he wanted to do it with a roundhouse kick to the face. But 50 Cent ran in horror.
 
 
Tits win
22:57 / 24.12.05
Bruce Lee will challenge Chuck Norris to a matial arts battle to prove that Chuck Norris is over-rated. When the match begins Lee will point out that Chuch Norris has only one move, "the roundhouse kick". Chuch Norris will then spend the next three minutes removing his boot from Lee's face.
 
 
Tits win
22:59 / 24.12.05
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
 
 
Tits win
23:00 / 24.12.05
Chuck Norris' beard is stolen from the head of Vin Diesel. When Vin Diesel demanded that Chuck Norris return his hair, Chuck scowled, walked away, and returned with Vin Diesel's wife in his arms. He then proceeded to beat the shit out of Vin Diesel with his own wife.
 
 
Tits win
23:08 / 24.12.05
And finally...

Chuck Norris took 3 of every animal on his ark. Then he called Noah a pussy and roundhoused kicked a Minotaur.
 
 
Tits win
23:15 / 24.12.05
The ultimate cheat code in Mortal Kombat unlocks Chuck Norris. Upon pushing any button, he immediately makes a Fatality move, even if his opponent has full strength.
 
 
Krug
07:09 / 25.12.05
Chuck Norris finally thought he'd discovered a worthy competitor after watching an old Superman movie. Half an hour later, he went home disappointed, leaving Christopher Reeve paralyzed from the neck down.

-

This coming from imdb is obviously lies...

Reader's Digest once noted a story of how Norris, true to his characters, prefers to find a non-violent way to solve a situation. Norris was in a bar once when a customer walked in and said to him, "You're in my seat. Move." Norris complied, and as the customer sat down, he recognized Norris. He then said, "Chuck, you could've kicked my butt if you wanted to. Instead of moving, why didn't you just attack me?" Norris' response: "What would that have accomplished?" Norris later said the experience resulted in him getting a new admirer and a new friend.
 
 
Krug
07:11 / 25.12.05
Best of all...

Chuck Norris once broke the kneck of a passing stranger in the street. When asked why he responded, "He looked like a damn commie." Chuck then opened fire on a passing school bus with an M60 machine gun, this is thought to be the basis for US foreign policy to this day.
 
 
Tits win
08:03 / 25.12.05
Chuck Norris can survive fatalities on Mortal Kombat.
 
 
Tits win
08:07 / 25.12.05
Chuck Norris entered an arm wrestling tournament. After killing dozens of contenders, he was matched up against himself and subsequently ripped himself in half.
 
 
Tits win
08:12 / 25.12.05
No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the same time. Coincidence?
 
  

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