weak...dependence...
weak like tea with too much milk? or french beer in chubby little bottles? IS being in love a bit like an unhealthy heroin addiction, which is how perhaps the 'dependence' bit is being treated here?
think i read in one of the psych journals that comes round that there is an addictive element to mutual romantic partnerships - something to do with one 'personality' growing to require the other one's presence to work properly. that's gumb science of course, and should be treated as such, but feels close to the truth - i get a massive, massive tetch on when I have to go away for work and be separated from Her for more than seven hours or so. like wanting a cigarette really bad, but with the knowledge that the thing you want isn't physically harmful and that you deserve and desire it, well, honestly.
it's impossible to talk about these things without resorting to the floweriest of language I find, explaining perhaps the unwillingness of some to share in this thread. maybe it's a guy thing or just a geek thing, but i often do think that i lack a vocabulary to talk about 'love' without gushing and being silly, but also that that's kind of the way it has to be, because there's nothing really sense-able about my feelings.
i feel, if i'm going to have to pull something soundy out me arse, that love really best defines itself in the negative: loss, absence, pain are the signs that you're really in love, because the positive feelings derived of joy, companionship, ever-better jigginess et. become one's total everyday being. happiness, contentment becomes the default standby postition, and you hardly notice it. i still worry about money, historical injustice and personal self-esteem i supose, the things that are supposed to make you feel down, but they always appear against this feeling of 'why am i not too bothered about these things?' and it's because i'm in love, and the achingsoulangst feeling that used to typify my lows before i found Her are just gone entirely.
and if it's anything, it's a sneaker:
so this pretty little thing is kind of a friend of friends and lives down the road, and i've heard vague whispers from girl pals that she sort of likes me, but, y'know, to do that she's probably a bit daft... my vomit has been all over my windowsil for months and she walks past it every day and she stil doesn't hate me? is she mad? (yes) she reads the fortean times though so... hmmm. so it's a nightclub and got some weak acid, and she's there and no dancing but just chatting. she sparkles and looks like beautiful sexy music. we start talking about dolphin penises (big, s-shaped, enuff to rupture the aquatophile lad or lassie who takes it on). but she doesn't mind. weird girl. why can't i stop thinking about her? she's in a bit of trouble housing-wise so comes to kip on the sofa for a bit, and after a couple of days the mind is made up, this girl's a treat and i be having some. and she sort of moves into my bed that day and hasn't left, despite early 'too fast' misgivings. i try to bring it to a head by being an arse, and just as we're having a barney potentially big enough to finish things for good, i get a weird voice in my head: it doesn't say 'no', it says 'never'. she's upset, and how does it make me feel? never. never again can i bear to see her like this. never again will i let her out of my life. (not in a stalky way obvs..)
after that the 'think i'm in love' became 'know i'm in love, never want it to end' and it hasn't. every decision i make has her in mind. every time i walk through the front door all i want is for the chore oahead to end so i can get back to her - even fun things like drinking and comic-shopping don't seem as important. the love i have for my family and friends - i believe i could do with out them, really, so long as this one's still there (really never want to put that to the test though).
my god, look at the time, rambling or what? it's lunchtime. sorry. i'll come back and tidy this mong-sense up later. |
