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Jokes

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ONLY NICE THINGS

11:42 / 07.03.06

Nice one Dave. I have a really problem with the amount of money the Civil Service wastes.

The Civil Service (in the UK) is the permanent administrative group responsible for supporting the work of the ministers of the British Parliament. Social workers are people who deal with people that other people do not want to - victims of abuse, broken families, the recently bereaved, asylum seekers - and then get sneered at. Happy Dave's joke was about the latter rather than the former.

Now, buck up, people! This thread is arguably the least amusing on Barbelith. Surely we can do better?

12:46 / 07.03.06

All Englishmen are teh gayers Smoothly. Least I think that's where the "humour" lies.

Ahhh. I was thrown off the scent of the funny by ‘...in 1963’. Unless English men were even gayerer back then. Which scarcely seems possible given that we only had two types of bread.

A

14:41 / 07.03.06

Hmmm, I think it's probably more of a "no sex, please, we're British" kind of a thing, than an "all limeys are teh gay" kind of thing, but who's to say?

15:06 / 07.03.06

Who’s to say, indeed. If ‘1963’ was an irrelevant detail, then maybe so too the laydees.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

A real live tiger...

Sorry, I’m not interested, I’m on the internet.

23:05 / 07.03.06

knock knock

who's there?

death

death wh...

07:43 / 08.03.06

Hippies live on 1st floor of building.
Punks live on 2nd floor.
Skinheads live on 3rd floor.
There's an earthquake and the building collapses.
WHo survives?

Skinheads. They were at work.

Old fave Jack, along the same lines:

How many Skinheads does it take to chane a light bulb?

10

One to change it 9 to stand around and shout Oi! Oi! Oi!

Lame I know.

10:24 / 13.03.06

Why was the doctor always angry?

Because he had no patients.

The old one's are the best!

10:33 / 13.03.06

No they aren't.

10:37 / 13.03.06

Now, buck up, people! This thread is arguably the least amusing on Barbelith. Surely we can do better?

Why don't you give it a shot, dude? Let's see what you find funny?

11:38 / 13.03.06

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get Tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham and Cheese again. If I get a Ham and Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham and Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!" Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at Victoria. "Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."

11:47 / 13.03.06

Found this on the same page and it made me laugh until some wee came out..

The Boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?", he asked.

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked the child , "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", whispered the tiny voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Now really alarmed, concerned, and more than a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied in a muffled giggle:

...

"ME!'

11:54 / 13.03.06

*Chortle*

Keep posting, James.

12:41 / 13.03.06

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Just as a clarification, burritos, encilada, tacos, are all mexican food, not Brazilian. (rice and beans, "feijoada", or even ham and cheese sandwich would be more precise)

But, hey, thank god lame jokes need not be cultural sensible to work, don't they?

12:59 / 13.03.06

Ah, I see this is the old joke department.

I got one for the archives:

Berlin 1989, the wall comes down.
An Eastgerman visits Westberlin for the first time. He sees a Westgerman and shouts joyously to him: "We are one people!"
The Westgerman shouts back: "Yes! And we are, too!"

13:02 / 13.03.06

But, hey, thank god lame jokes need not be cultural sensible to work, don't they?

That's a question worth some debate.

uncle retrospective

10:04 / 16.03.06

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden......."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon,
I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with
renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in
the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a
meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear
of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees..............................

.................

Ees, a Ham Bush"

15:07 / 23.10.06

The optimist says the glass is half full,

the pessimist says the glass is half empty,

the engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

15:09 / 23.10.06

Q: What's a wombat for?

A: Playing Wom with.

15:14 / 23.10.06

From The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night:

There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist, one of the is a logician and one of them is a
mathematician.

They cross the border into Scotland and they see a brown cow standing parallel to the train. The economist says:

"Look, the cows in Scotland are brown."

And the logician says:

"No, there are cows in Scotland of which one, at least, is brown.

And the mathematician says:

"No, there is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown."

16:25 / 23.10.06

what did the baby rat tell his mother when he saw a bat?

.
.
.

.
.
.

"look mommy, an angel!"

16:50 / 23.10.06

Ha! I know one of these mathematician jokes, too:

Two guys in a balloon got lost. As they pass over a street, they shout to a pedestrian: "Hey! Where are we?"

The pedestrian shouts back: "In a balloon!"

Balloon guy 1 to Balloon guy 2: "That, my friend, was a mathematician."

Balloon guy 2: "What makes you think that?"

Balloon guy 1: "He was very concise, 100% correct, and his statement was of no use whatsoever."

16:52 / 23.10.06

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Cause if the had four they'd be chicken sedans.

22:41 / 23.10.06

Not so much a joke as a funny story. This was at a meeting for the campus art club.

"Ok, how are going to advertise the event. Should we get student life to approve some posters?"
"We could skip that and just do guerilla advertising."
"WHAT!? We can't even afford bananas for the gorillas!"

The sad part is that's probably the funniest I have ever been in my whole life. Ever.

00:44 / 24.10.06

A man walks into a bar.

He has just taken a handful of peanuts from the dish on the bar having ordered is pint, when the peanuts start talking. 'You look really great have you lost weight, I love your hair like that, that colour really suits you...'

The guy, who is very surprised and a little shaken-up too, goes to the fag machine to get something to calm his nerves. As he puts his coins into the slot the machine says 'What the fuck do you think you're doing, you stocky little moon-faced hunchback! Why don't you just piss-off?'

Totaly stunned the bloke goes back to the bar and asks the barman what the eck'n'feck is going on.

'Well,'

the barman says,

'the peanuts are complimentary,....

but the cigarette machine is out of order.'

Iyathanqew

07:46 / 24.10.06

what do you call an overweight cat that just ate a duck?

a duck filled fatty puss!

teehee

17:23 / 10.11.06

What do you call a fish with three eyes?

Feeesh.

17:23 / 10.11.06

What's big, white and sits at the bottom of trees?

A fridge.

(Fridges can't climb trees)

21:28 / 10.11.06

I was heading home from the pub one night and was caught short. No public toilets in my immediate vicinty, I saw an empty Coke can in the strreet and peed in it.

In our twenty four hour surveillance culture, I was caught on CCTV and the police swooped. I was arrested.

21:29 / 10.11.06

And charged with Possession Of Can Of Piss.

23:42 / 10.11.06

On the way home, I went into Tesco with one of my flatmates, Emily. As we came out, we saw that our other flatmate, Amber's, bike was on the other side of the stand to Emily's.

Now, Amber is a little ditzy. She had locked her bike... to her bike. So we stole it.

We met another friend, Jamie, on the way home, who, of course, asked why we were carrying Amber's bike over our shoulders. So we explained, but asked him not to let on if he saw her. So he didn't.

Firstly, we got a voicemail from Amber, telling us her bike had been stolen, and that she was coming home. Fine, we thought, until Jamie phoned us.

"She's on the phone to the police."

Bollocks she is. She's on her way home. We thought. Until he sent us a photo of her on the phone to the police. We asked Jamie to send her home, but she wouldn't come, because she was asking the man in Tesco to look through the cctv footage for the thieves. Fortunately, there is a convenient gap in the cctv, just where the bikes are. Eventually we had to shout down the phone to her/ at her, that we had her fucking bike.

It was funny until she came home. It was very funny. But then she cried a lot, and she is a little little lamb.

Then it was only quite funny. Except when she gets letters from the police saying that they're very sorry that she's been a victim of crime, and that they haven't found the culprits.

17:34 / 14.11.06

I at first thought about posting this in the gift thread, but this can only be a joke, so I put it here:

hint: what are the unicorns names?

17:49 / 14.11.06

Horsesome!

11:31 / 23.04.07

Jokes?

11:31 / 23.04.07

Pleeze?

11:46 / 23.04.07

Why did the chicken cross the road?
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
To get to the other side.

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