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I apologise in advance for the fact that this is going to be a bit incoherent, even for me.
First, a little backstory. In my early twenties, many years ago now, I performed an ill-advised, half-baked and very drunken blot in the general direction of Loki. (I can hear some of you wincing.) This was extremely successful, resulting as it did in my life turning to utter crap for some time--relationship breakdown, attempted murder, almost getting sectioned, hallucinatons; you know, pretty much what one would expect.
It must also be mentioned that I'm epileptic. (The onset of my full-blown grand mal epilepsy was another part of the life-turning-to-crap period, incidentally.) Before a grand mal fit, I go though an aura stage which generally involves a lot of perceptual distortion. Strong synasthesic experiences, olfactory, visual and auditory hallucintions, that sort of thing.
This year I've been re-evaluating many areas of my magickal practice and was tentatively considering the idea of working with Loki again. I've got a much better idea of what I'm doing these days and am better prepared for change and upheaval. I had thought of performing a blot this April the 1st just gone but decided to let discretion be the better part of valour for another year.
Loki, however, was having none of this. Today I went into the aura stage of a seizure and he decided to make it all about him.
I was having a lie down when it started. The first I knew of his presence was a voice saying very clearly, right next to my ear: "Loki." I'm used ot this sort of thing by now so I paid it no mind but then... this is hard to describe. It was as if all the sounds around me--shouting neighbours, a washing machine in another flat, traffic outside in the street, the ticking of my alarm clock--were voices, chanting in unison "Loki! Loki! Loki!"
I got up from the bed and went to the computer room. I posted some fairly hopeless drivel to my Lj on the subject, then made some unsuccessful attempts to block out what was going on by looking at unrelated websites. This didn't work. He just got clearer and clearer.
The most disconcerting aspect was a strong sense of his presence behind my right shoulder. Although I couldn't see anyone when I turned round, I just KNEW there was a person standing behind me. Every so often I got a glimpse of his clothes--dark reddish brown woven cloth. I could smell him sometimes too: wool clothes, male sweat, fire. He was talking to me but I didn't understand him, so he switched from words to pictures. I could sort of hear the pictures. I got an image of my teenage bedroom, my first home-made deck of cardboard runes, and the number 14.
The harder I tried to block out the experience, the louder he got, until he was shouting almost angrily. Not mean; more urgent, like you'd shout at a friend if you found them passed out drunk at a party. So I gave up. Went and got my lab book and listened, after which he calmed down and the pictures got quieter. I saw a wooded glade, then a cloak of fine green wool. I saw my own hands painting. I saw silver rings and a gold brooch, jewelled knives and other finely worked objects. I felt that these items were magickal and that I had made them or been involved in their creation in some way. (I love to make jewellery and regret that my skill in this regard is not greater.) I saw laughing people, fire, a great hall full of smoke and angry figures. I saw a white horse, and two black horses that reared up. All these things I saw in my mind's eye, while before my physical eye firey runes appeared, whirling by in a stream too fast to seperate. (I was able to note down a few but I don't recognise all of them.)
After a while I went to lie down again in the dark--I found the visual images I was getting and the real world impossible to process together. I don't remember all that I saw. Fire, a mask, an eye-shaped pendant of gold. A cunning-looking male face.
I suffered two seizures, which I assume to have been mild and of short duration since I am not suffering any severe after effects. When I came to myself, the glowing runes were gone and so was Loki.
The strongest message that came through is that I've had a connection with this godform since well before my crappy little blot and the Year of Demented Suckitude that followed. Apparently he has had his eye on me since I was 14 and can't understand why I keep refusing his "gifts." This was unexpected, to say the least. Obviously I had felt drawn to Loki at one time or I wouldn't have tried to work with him but I can't say I'm the sort of person who one usually finds working with this sort of godform.
Well, discuss, I guess. Let's hear about other people's experiences with Loki. It would also be interesting to hear about other godforms turning up out of the blue. (I would also appreciate any advice people might have to give.) |
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