I was originally planning on individually PMing the people in question who had asked questions of me to avoid yet another long reply (sometimes I wish people would just ask me "boxers" or "briefs?") but of course then it could be said that I'm just trying to avoid public discourse. With that in mind:
Gypsy, you say you've written me pages of advice, and maybe you have and I just never noticed, though I do recall some comments you made to me regarding the popular idea of illumination... I forget what thread it was but the topic was about magical insight derived from non-occultists. Other then that I didn't really notice your comments to me until the afore-mentioned gris-gris offer you just mentioned. You forgot to say that the clause also stated that, should one break the contract, one would be horribly and fatally cursed. So my not taking the offer was less me not being interested but more me being scared witless! Also you gave almost no details, at all, about the nature of the contract in question, and for all I know the contract could have called for me to do something way out of my boundaries, and then where would I be? For a newbie such as myself, it's not surprising I didn't take up your offer, though as I recall I thanked you for making it anyway, so it's not like I wasn't grateful...
While I admit I haven't made drastic strides I would say that I have tackled some problems (as anyone who has been following my livejournal can plainly see). Getting over my fear of working full-time was a big step, as was getting up the courage to speak to someone I was attracted to (even though it went nowhere). I've even begun making conversation at work rather then wait for people to strike up conversations with me. This might not seem like a great deal to anyone else but you would not believe the willpower I had to build up to accomplish even these ordinary tasks. So I don't think one can just say that I've made no progress dealing with my "demons", as it were. Granted I'm willing to agree that there is a probability that some of my problems may be imaginary, but some of them, mostly my physical issues, are very real. THOSE are what's keeping me back, but I'm still undecided if they're messing up my head or if my head is messing up my body.
Liquid, I've recently come to realize that I'm perhaps less interested in doing magic and more interested and reading about it, thinking about it, even writing about it. For all I know, everything I've read in every occult book is totally false, that the authors were just all bullshitting, but still, that doesn't detract from the enjoyment of reading them. I think I've only been playing pretend the last 3 + years, fantasizing that I was a magician and living in the glamour and the mystery, but there were certain aspects of it I just wasn't able to handle and I knew that following this path too far would lead to misery (too many young magicians don't know their limits and frequently do rash acts that they simply aren't mentally ready for). I'll admit it, I realize the importance of change but all the same, I hate it. I don't like the entire process, in fact. I'll put things off as long as I can to avoid it. Some of this is laziness, some of it fear of the unknown. For example, I worked the same shitty part-time job for seven years before I finally went full-time, I spent years using the same shitty computer before finally getting a new one... I don't adapt to new environments well. I'll do it if I have to, but I won't like doing it, even if the end result isn't all that bad as I feared (my full-time job, while taxing, is still a vast improvement over my old job, and I already don't know how I ever lived without my new computer (it can even play DVDs!) So I'm flexible enough to change but it takes me awhile to get motivated, usually because I'm so tired. Stubborness runs in my family, alas. And it seems that every occult book I've ever read and every occultist I've ever talked to seems to be of the opinion that one should embrace change and welcome the unknown. So in that aspect I'd say that no, I'm not a magician, and I currently do not identify as one, which is why I'm avoiding the Temple for the time being (you never know, I might change my mind again if I ever find a spine). BTW I did try the exercises you recommended a few more times but I wasn't happy with the results and I got interested in something else so I eventually dropped them. Maybe I was doing them wrong, or perhaps I wasn't taking it far enough... Certainly worries about loss of bowel control probably made me a little less enthusiastic about really going the extra-distance.
Seth: I currently don't know what I want from Barbelith so I am unable to answer your question. I will get in touch with you when I come to a conclusion.
Look, this thread was a lapse. In general it's only the second or third such thread I've posted in "Conversation" and, while I admit I have had a few similiar threads in Temple, I haven't been as bad lately, in fact my last real bad outburst was way back in last May. That's not all that much drama, wouldn't you agree? I appreciate your advice, I really do, and in general I'm in agreement with what you have to say and am glad you have said it. If I was smart I'd just post this last paragraph, but people ask a lot of questions and I feel obliged to answer to my best abilities. I'm sorry if it wastes your time... If it's that much of a time-waster, just don't read it! From now on I will try to confine my angst to my blog, however, so situations like this won't occur in the future. |
