Yeah I'm still here. I'm just........I don't know.
Regrouping the contents of my head or whatever. There's no use in running off and trying to come back all "Woo I'm fine now!" or any of that, I'll just try my hardest to change what I'm doing, give magick a break for a month because I'm far too obsessed with it, start going out of the house....OUT OF THE HOUSE......sorry, I had to repeat that to myself, daily, and instead of reading about occult stuff I'll focus on my Buddhist stuff, (which is really going very well, it's the other stuff that's fucked me up, numerous things etc etc) my Kung-Fu, and I'm going to try and learn what I can about Science whilst having a break from the mojo.
It's important to start thinking differently, so I'm going to approach Science with a desire to genuinely learn some of it. Instead of (and Gypsy suggested this ages ago I think) clicking on the Temple whenever I get here, I'll click on the Laboratory instead, and try and learn things with the same enthusiasm that I've had with Magick etc.
I hardly go on the PC now anyway, that's why I had a shock after this latest episode......I just need to spend time away from Magick and more time outdoors, chilling out, getting a different view on life.
This has surely reached it's end now.....I'm going to get a 'rant pad' to freak out in too, like someone kind of suggested. Write this shit down somewhere else. I just freaked, got para, and I've also got...I think it's called Agoraphobia....where I don't even want to leave the house no more...I don't feel comfortable outdoors and shit, it's horrible....but it's not a very bad case of it I don't think, because if I push myself I can go out...it's just wierd, I've had it for a good few years now, it's mild though, I can push through that one easily hopefully, it's just laziness and shit. I went to Kung-Fu tonight though and I proved to myself that I can still communicate with people normally, have a laugh etc so that's great. I'll take up walking and jogging to, on a daily basis hopefully starting from tommorrow.
Fucking ego-death magick. I have this thing where everything builds up and it's like.....you know when your pissed and you sometimes rant on messageboards? Well I have this thing where I do it sober. I just get so wound up and then I let it fly. (usually late at night) It's selfish, and I'm stupid because I've just realized how selfish it is. How much I value your online freindship and I've just fucked up again.
Ha, I don't need ego magick now. How can anyone have an ego that survives all the ranting that I've done here? I think I've done so many things subconsciously like purposely making an idiot of myself......I sometimes wonder just what the fuck I really am.....what the fuck are we all doing with ourselves? Can't we just leave all this behind and go and live in the woods? C'mon Haus, you've got that big brain thinger, can't you work something out for us all? Can't you be Plato and run our woodland thing and Gypsy be the Merlin guy and LVX23 the Chaos guy who does big parties like Burning Man and that? C'mon guys.
I want to live in the woods. There, is that a good sign that I'm better?
Mummy?
Skip that last bit, I'm on it, again......but I'm getting too old for this shit now, ranting like this so I'm onto it with total renewed effort. It's selfish in the end and I can't keep doing it. Thanks for the book suggestions Haus, you suggested The Golden Bough? If so I've been wanting that for years now, I'll order it when/IF I properly get over this shit and get back on track. (wait a minute....ON track, not back on track, (fucking hell) I've never been on the fucking track except when I walked PASSED the fucking thing again and into the woods on the other side have I? Sort of like criss-crossing over the track every time I go off into the wilderness again)
So come on then you lot, I've gotta be the coolest Hypermage ever now. Right? Where's my super wizard award?
Errrm.....
*CRAWLS into a DARKENED corner*
Fuckin'ell. |
