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It's another dating advice thread

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15:30 / 21.11.04

So I've exchanged e-mails with her and we've now swapped phone numbers and I've said I'll give her a ring and she's said that would be cool. (Met on a dating site by the way just so this makes sense).
Yesterday afternoon I made that first scary step and phoned her to arrange a date. And I got her answerphone.

Not having even considered this might be a possibility I was caught completely off gaurd but did manage to leave a reasonably coherent message which said something along the lines of "Hey, just calling 'cos I said I would to see if you wanted to meet up at some point. Feel free to call me back but if I don't hear from you I'll probably try again later" (That last bit added in case she didn't want to make the call.)
Anyway, about 3 hours later, not having heard anything, I tried again and again got the machine again but this time left no message.
Now it's the next day and I realise that calling again starts to wade towards stalker territory and I don't want to go down that path at all 'cos I really like the look of this girl and really do want to meet up with her.

More than likely I'll probably hit post on this topic and the phone will ring, but assuming it doesn't, what's the next step chaps? We're both on mobiles so text messages are an option and also e-mail. But how long? And what to say? Oooooh, it's all so exciting!

15:54 / 21.11.04

Whatever you do don't phone her again. Watch Swingers instead.

It'll probably be ok to send her an e-mail in a week or so's time, but apart from that, do not attempt to contact this person under any circumstances, unless, pretty clearly, she's got in touch first.

16:06 / 21.11.04

Swingers certainly came to mind, thus this thread....

16:19 / 21.11.04

Two attempts. That's all you get before you have to wait for return contact. More than that and you're a stalker. So pick your next one carefully.

I advise a trained chicken suspended from helium balloons and launched through her window, carrying a scroll in its claws containing a love sonnet written in purple ink. Ladies like that sort of thing.

Harrison Ford, in a battle suit, wheels for feet, knives and guns

17:01 / 21.11.04

Don't worry about all the should i wait, shouldn't i crap. But obviously you don't want to appear desperate, 'cos she'll run a mile.

Just email her & say that your phone is fucked but should be back on in a couple of days, so if she's being trying to contact you, explain you haven't been ignoring her. (This should give her the impression that you're not a psycho or an arsehole & also remove the tension from the situation if she's feeling uncomfortable!)

Let her know to contact you via email untill your phone is back on. If she replies then you'll know she's still interested, if she doesn't then better luck next time!

18:27 / 21.11.04

Just e-mail her and say that your phone is fucked...

These date threads never seem to have a happy ending. Has anyone who's ever posted on here about someone they fancied, but whose feelings they weren't all that sure about, not wound up sitting round at Four in the morning, staring up at the cold, dead and pitiless, but also fairly drunk, moon ?

Rule of thumb, I'm guessing - The minute you even think about asking Barbelith for relationship advice, it's probably time to just forget the whole thing.

Harrison Ford, in a battle suit, wheels for feet, knives and guns

18:35 / 21.11.04

"Rule of thumb, I'm guessing - The minute you even think about asking Barbelith for relationship advice, it's probably time to just forget the whole thing."

GOOD POINT

18:47 / 21.11.04

I advise a trained chicken suspended from helium balloons and launched through her window, carrying a scroll in its claws containing a love sonnet written in purple ink.

The chicken and the balloons shouldn't be a problem but I don't actually know where she lives. Otherwise, sound, sound advice. Cheers.

Just email her & say that your phone is fucked but should be back on in a couple of days, so if she's being trying to contact you, explain you haven't been ignoring her. (This should give her the impression that you're not a psycho or an arsehole & also remove the tension from the situation if she's feeling uncomfortable!)

Let her know to contact you via email untill your phone is back on. If she replies then you'll know she's still interested, if she doesn't then better luck next time!

Something I had already thought of but disregarded. If I was on the receiving end of that, I'd be suspicious that it was just a ploy and I'd start thinking : Stalker!

Rule of thumb, I'm guessing - The minute you even think about asking Barbelith for relationship advice, it's probably time to just forget the whole thing.

Yep, very aware of that even before I posted the first thread. Not really looking for advice on what to say so much as just the timing and the format. But yeah, it's a fair point.
I'll gladly keep accepting ideas though in the hopes that one day (cue uplifting music) this episode, my struggle, whether for better or worse, can perhaps be used by some other, sad, confused, lonely heart to help loves true course...

3 more facts for those sages amongst you who feel like commenting :
1 : She only has e-mail access at work so if her phone is in some way buggered then she can't contact me until tomorrow anyway.
2 : Thus far, our e-mail contact has been slow to say the least, the closest two messages so far having been about 5 days apart (dunno if that makes a difference or not).
3 : There was a text to and fro last thursday - I said I'd call her at the weekend and she replied to say that she was looking forward to hearing from me.

Harrison Ford, in a battle suit, wheels for feet, knives and guns

18:56 / 21.11.04

Well, she's got your number, you've left her a message, if she wants to call you i'm sure she will.

Just wait and see, if you're that worried about appearing like a stalker.

19:16 / 21.11.04

Thus far, our e-mail contact has been slow to say the least, the closest two messages so far having been about 5 days apart (dunno if that makes a difference or not).

Well, yeah. That does make a difference. It’s only been a day and yet you’re starting a thread about it. It might actually be a good idea to just stop thinking about this for a while. Get yourself in the kitchen instead, try out a recipe that uses every bowl you’ve got and leaves you with lots of washing-up to do.

Or, y’know, watch Swingers. That’s good too.

19:28 / 21.11.04

It’s only been a day and yet you’re starting a thread about it.

And there it is. Thanks for pointing that out to me, hadn't even realised.
Ok, much calmer now.

Will keep you all posted though 'cos I know just how thrilling this undoubtedly is.

22:09 / 21.11.04

Give it a couple of days, at least. If the emails are spaced out like that, she may have a slightly hectic schedule, or is deliberately trying to take things slowly.

Also: do you know if she has roommates? (a good hint is if there was more than one name on the answerphone). If so, that's a good excuse for a follow-up email if she doesn't get back to you in a few days - just pop her a quick note asking if she got the message. Er, that doesn't work if she lives alone, though.

Good luck!

22:18 / 21.11.04

Don't worry about all the should i wait, shouldn't i crap. But obviously you don't want to appear desperate, 'cos she'll run a mile.

Just email her & say that your phone is fucked but should be back on in a couple of days, so if she's being trying to contact you, explain you haven't been ignoring her.

Um - definitely don't do that. Look, the phone tag game - dating version - is irritating but should be played. As in any other form of communication, how patient/polite/etc you are with the telephone is going to say something about you to other people.

Brutal honesty - you've already come on a bit strong calling back 3 hrs after the first call. But that's easily forgiven as long as you don't call again, until you hear from her. Maybe she's sitting there thinking about whether or not she even wants to call you - but she has every right to think about it.

My advice is to look at some other online profiles and email someone else, so as not to become too focused on that one girl, whom you don't even know yet.

05:38 / 22.11.04

Also: do you know if she has roommates? (a good hint is if there was more than one name on the answerphone).

I've no idea, it's her mobile number.

My advice is to look at some other online profiles and email someone else, so as not to become too focused on that one girl, whom you don't even know yet.

Already done. I'm certainly not obsessing about this girl or anything.
The main problem was just that having left a message that said I'd try again if she didn't call back and having tried again (a while later in case she was just eating or something at the time of the call) I don't wanna seem pushy, just because I'm really not pushy. I'm not desperate to meet her and not sitting staring at my phone waiting for a return call. I just don't really understand the etiquette on these things.

Thanks for the replies though everyone, keep 'em coming, I do appreciate it.

10:26 / 22.11.04

OK sparky, you last attempted to speak to her on the 21st now you need to give her five days to speak to her friends for backup, reassurance and to sort out a time and a place where she would feel comfortable meeting you. This takes time and courage and she may decide in the next few days not to go for it. sucks but could be true. As for contacting her don't bother until the 26th when you send her another email just to say hi and carry on the email conversation as if the whole meeting thing was never an issue.

14:45 / 22.11.04

Ok, there's been a development and it's pretty good.

I had a text this morning profusely apologising for the lack of response and saying she'll be phoning me tomorrow! Ooooh.

This, coupled with a planned disciplinary hearing I have with my work tomorrow, should make for a nice relaxing day. Ho Ho Ho.

I do now formally concede I was far too eager before and have properly chilled out again.
If anybody still cares at this point I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how it goes (or doesn't as the case may be).

15:02 / 22.11.04

Oh, I always care. I'm very nosy.

21:13 / 22.11.04

i think that the time for dalliance is at an end you should ask for the girls hand in marrage. dressed either as a clown or naked as jeebus intended.

21:54 / 22.11.04

These date threads never seem to have a happy ending. Has anyone who's ever posted on here about someone they fancied, but whose feelings they weren't all that sure about, not wound up sitting round at Four in the morning, staring up at the cold, dead and pitiless, but also fairly drunk, moon ?

I dunno. I contributed an "I dig her, but (*choke*) does she dig me?" post to one of those "Hey everybody, let's all randomly gripe about our romantic woes" threads a while ago (God only knows which specific one it was). And as it turns out, the "she" of the post and I have been together for roundabouts two months now.

However, I didn't start the thread, I only posted about it once, and I didn't ask for any advice (just an excuse to vent). I don't know if that makes it ineligible, then.

21:26 / 23.11.04

Well despite the apologetic text message yesterday there was no call tonight so I guess it's back to waiting again.

I just kinda hope the reason for not getting in touch was one of being busy rather than being rude. Time will tell I'm sure.

Everything still points to her being busy, I can't imagine why someone would make the effort to apologise for not returning a call, promise to return said call and then not return it other than a hectic schedule (or mild insanity, I suppose).

Oh well, more news as and when I (don't) get it.

21:38 / 23.11.04

While we’re being nosy, how did the work disciplinary hearing go? That’s what I’m more curious about.

21:56 / 23.11.04

Oh yeah, it was horrible. I had to sit in a small room whilst my boss reminded me that my actions were completely unbecoming of someone in my position and told me that procedure dictated that he could only go as far as issuing me with a warning letter that will sit on my record for the next two years but if it were up to him the punishment would have been much more severe. (In case that doesn't make sense, I work in the public sector.)
There's plenty more to say on the matter but I'm not going to here because this is a public forum and I want to keep my job, suffice to say it was a painful 45 minutes or so and I'm glad the whole thing is done and I survived.

22:07 / 23.11.04

You know, it might just be a *good* thing she didn’t call you tonight. If she had, you might have blurted out all about this thing today, and thus possibly stymied your chances of progressing beyond the ‘phone call stage’. But this way, you’ll be all mellow by tomorrow.

00:34 / 24.11.04

or she could be making stinky nasty monkey love to your boss, while they both are laughing. at you.

02:23 / 24.11.04

Everything still points to her being busy, I can't imagine why someone would make the effort to apologise for not returning a call, promise to return said call and then not return it[...]

Really? You can't? Because I do that all the time. Even to people I know well. Usually I need to be not busy AND 'up to it' enough to call anyone, and that would especially apply to a potential suitor.

19:30 / 24.11.04

Who dared to doubt? Ha! Oh yes, I knew all along that she'd call, I never had any kind of reservations at all.

So yeah. She called. I'm going on a date. Next tuesday. This gives me 6 whole days to worry about it and rustle up a real big bag of nerves to bring along.

oooooh.

19:37 / 24.11.04

YAY! for you Dogslikesparky! It's about time, eh?

Now, don't get yourself all worked up. It's all very casual, now. I know you can be cool and collected. I have faith in you. Whatever you do though, just don't link her to this thread!

...and have fun.

19:52 / 24.11.04

Hooray! I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Or a sad ending. I'm just a sucker really.

20:23 / 24.11.04

aww, that's so cool. Good luck!

20:59 / 24.11.04

Sparky, I hope you’ll be posting photos of the shirts in your wardrobe so we can tell you which one to wear. Oh, and shoes. Please let us advise you on shoes.

21:01 / 24.11.04

Where are you going? (Though I wouldn't be too specific, or you'll find half a dozen barbelith people hiding behind the potted palms, watching.)

21:16 / 24.11.04

hiding behind the potted palms

I was thinking more of sneaking a webcam into the restaurant so we could have a realtime ‘commentary’ thread.

- Hey, he asked for ‘dating advice’. From the people who live in his computer no less. To leave it at a simple ‘good luck’ seems to be ignoring all the possibilities for Weird Science-style japes. Either that, or I'm still missing the BB5 thread more than I like to admit.

21:22 / 24.11.04

Yes, hooray indeed! Thanks guys, your input has been great - long may it continue.

Actually clothes will be the next issue on the agenda. I'm naturally a scruffy urchin by nature and things have been made no better recently by a (admittedly pleasing) loss of weight which has resulted in all of my clothes being slightly too large and baggy now!
Definitely gonna be popping along to the shops this weekend for some new stuff. I needed to anyway so this is as good an excuse as any.

The date itself is just drinks in a pub and will be a casual affair. She knows I'm a jeans and trainers kinda boy so it's really what to wear with that. I'm usually just one for a t-shirt but I'm totally prepared to make an effort here if the consensus reckons so.
Everyone says Polo shirts suit me well but is that good first date stuff?

We're also gonna have to address the issue of stubble at some point in the next few days too, folks, just so you know.

Go Team Sparky!

21:40 / 24.11.04

We could turn this into a total project, thread in Art and Fashion for clothes advice, music for music to listen to later in the evening (I'd like to suggest Girls Aloud) - Creation for poetry you can read to her, Books for books to leave hanging out of your bag to make you look all intelligent like....

Rock on!

Hope the date goes well by the way!

22:28 / 24.11.04

If you're normally a jeans and trainers type of guy, sparky, why not show up in a pair of loafers/chelsea boots, that type of thing ? It's a bit uncool to arrive looking too out of character on a first date, I agree, and there's no point creating too false an impression, but as I understand this, a happening pair of shoes will do you a power of good.

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