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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

  
  

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CameronStewart
05:47 / 04.11.04
Alright, I'm starting this because I was lying in bed tossing and turning due to a recent breakup (i.e. three days ago) eating me up inside, and right now it's far too late at night to be calling up any of my friends to talk. I figure that pouring it out here may help me get to sleep tonight.

I hadn't been seeing her long, only around 5 weeks, but it was accelerated, whirlwhind, and intense while it lasted. On only our second (fabulously comfortable and romantic) date we made a decision to go on a weekend trip to New York City together, which we did the following week, and it went beautifully well. We seemed like we were on the same page, lucky to have found one another. We seemed to click on most levels and I felt closer to her than anyone I've been with in a long time. After week 3 I was pretty certain that I was in capital-L Love.

We never fought once. We had one discussion 2 weeks ago in which she expressed concern that we were moving too fast. She said that her last relationship had been an intense co-dependent one in which she and her then-partner spent every hour of every day together, and she felt like she wanted some more independence this time. More time for herself, to pursue her hobbies and spend time with her friends, and not feel always obligated to be with me. I understood and encouraged this. She also said that she was very happy with me and wanted to continue our monogamous relationship, just taken down a gear.

Then a few days ago, I returned from a short trip and she told me that she felt like there was too much pressure, that we'd gone too far and what had started as fun and light now felt oppressive and confining. I had sent her an email while away which stated that I missed her, and when reading it she realized that she did not feel the same way. Now she claims that she realizes that she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend, and needs time to get over that and so can't be in a serious relationship. She feels like it's too late to go back to a casual, no-strings-attached occasional encounter (which is I guess what she wants), so she said that she needed out. She said that she does not appreciate me as much as I appreciate her, and that she is incapable of giving me (emotionally) what I want or need, or even as much as I give her. She also said that it is no failing or inadequacy on my part, that I did everything right and am "awesome," but she simply does not feel as strongly for me as I do for her.

And so it's over.

So I'm very hurt, because it seems like only days ago (and indeed it actually was) that she was telling me she was happy and felt lucky to have found me. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Compounding matters is that earlier today, 3 days after the breakup, I saw that she's put up an online personal ad, indicating that she's actually actively seeking other people, which just makes me feel like shit.

She's told me that she wants me as a friend, that she will always be there for me and that she will always support me. I would like very much to keep her in my life, even as a friend, and so to this end I'm going to cut her off for a little while, to not see or speak to her until I feel I am ready to do so without romantic emotional attachment. I'm just having a lot of trouble getting started on the healing process, I can't sleep or concentrate on work. Does anyone have any practical advice for getting over someone? Or even some thoughts on the scenario I've outlined above? I feel kind of stupid for asking this on a message board but I really need some help here.

Thanks in advance, now I'm going to try to get back to sleep...
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
08:09 / 04.11.04
I feel ya, Cam. Back in April while I was participating in the 24 Hour Comic Event I developed something of a groupie while I was drawing. As it happened, we spent a total of at least 8 hours talking, and she brought me a 40 oz. of Heineken (in retrospect, not a great idea when trying to stay up 24 hours). Around 6 am I walked her to the subway and kissed her goodnight. Shortly thereafter we got together at my place and slept together, and again the following night. We then had a couple of "proper" dates, in which nothing more than some making out happened, but things seemed to be going pretty well. I knew she didn't necessarily want a relationship, and neither did I, but we did seem to be well-suited to one another and so I expected this to at very least have a long shelf life. As it happened, though, she disappeared for nearly four weeks, wouldn't respond to either emails or phone calls, and when she did finally call me she cut the call short after only a few minutes. In something of a huff I wrote her that I felt ignored and used and that unless she could demonstrate that she wanted to keep whatever it was we had going I was no longer interested. In typical female style she flipped the script so that somehow it was me who was being unreasonable and needy, and now it was her breaking up with me. Despite an oath to remain friends (to the extent that she still has my copy of INVISIBLES vol. 3), she hasn't returned a phone call or email in about four months now.

Skirts, hah? Go fig. Take comfort in the fact that you're at the top of your chosen profession, which few others in any profession can say. You're a big dog. It hurts like a muthafuck, yes, but it reminds you you're alive. Don't get bitter, drink a pint, smoke a joint, draw some comics, move along. And give us a heads up when you're 'round NYC next.

/+,
 
 
Grey Area
08:35 / 04.11.04
Set yourself a deadline, say a week from now. Up to that date, you can mope, moan and bitch all you like. Call your friends, go frustration drinking, howl at the moon or throw shit off buildings, whatever it is you do to cope. But once you reach that date you draw a line under it all and move on. Sounds clinical, yes, but it works. At least, it did for me. My deadline was this Monday, and I woke up clear of mind and ready to move on. Over the weekend I was a weepy, morose wreck, admittedly, but that's the point of the exercise.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
09:17 / 04.11.04
In typical female style she flipped the script so that somehow it was me who was being unreasonable and needy, and now it was her breaking up with me. Despite an oath to remain friends (to the extent that she still has my copy of INVISIBLES vol. 3), she hasn't returned a phone call or email in about four months now.

Skirts, hah? Go fig.

Quoted without comment.

Now, Cameron. Sorry to hear, man. I've heard ballparks for recovery time set between half as long as the relationship and twice as long, so after three days I'm afraid it's not only perfectly natural to feel like shit, but also entirely healthy. A little time spent fulfilling your absolute minimum work commitments and otherwise lying around in your pyjamas watching the Canadian equivalent of Animal Hospital is fine. It's good, even. There's time yet before you need to start thinking "it's not getting better, and I need outside help".

Second up, although it is insanely hard to do, remember that exes don't help exes over breakups. You've made a good start by deciding to disengage until you can come it at a lower emotional temperature, but the difficult part is not then looking up her personal ad, not googling her name and so on. I confess that I'm utterly crap at this myself, but hey, I reckon knowing your weaknesses is always a good start, and I now religiously throw away the suit I've made from my ex's inexpertly-cured skin when it starts to shred *or* stink, not shred *and* stink.

The deadline idea is not a bad one - if not "I am not going to feel sad about this person anymore", at least "I am going to do x hours of work and x hours of socialising without allowing thinking about this person affect my behaviour, and work from there.

On a slightly deeper level, and something for when you're feeling a bit less fragile, it might be worth looking at some of the dynamics here. No offence intended, but if in week three you are in capital-L love, then it's possible that, however wonderful the party of the second part is, the relationship was also tapping into something larger than itself already operative within you. It also means that you're not just mourning the 5-week relationship you had, but the much longer relationship you didn't have but wanted, which is an absolute pain.

So, be good to yourself, take an appropriate time to grieve, buy yourself something shiny, _don't kill anyone_. Cliché advice, but old because valid. It's a lot like a nettle sting - most of the cures are there to keep you occupied while your body neutralises the pain.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
09:32 / 04.11.04
Ha, ever notice these things always happen for everyone at the same time?*

Meaning: me too, man. I'm sorry for you. But also: good timing! Saves me from starting my own, I guess. It was three years for me and no matter how late it is I cannot stop my dial hungry fingers. It's suddenly hit me quite hard. I would offer advice but I am clearly in no position to do so! But yeah, welcoming all advice in this thread very much...

*I know it obviously happens all the time but I've found in a certain group of friends, everybody splits up/gets dumped around the same time. Possibly God's way of providing a drinking buddy.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
09:40 / 04.11.04
And I accidentally phoned her while she was on a date. I've been acting a little bit funny...

So anyway, maybe me and Cameron should start a thread with a deadline set, where we can be drunk and rude to everyone, while purchasing insane amounts of goods online, before having small breaks to howl at the moon? It'll keep me off the streets, perhaps.
 
 
imaginary mice
09:53 / 04.11.04
I've heard ballparks for recovery time set between half as long as the relationship and twice as long

I can top that!

Length of relationship: 6 months

Recovery time: 2 and a half years and counting

And it's not getting any easier. The longer this takes, the more I realise that I'm never going to meet someone like him again*. I was actually fine during the first few weeks after the break-up. But he's no longer the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning because I've now developed a Morrissey obsession which is so much more rewarding (pictures to look at, songs to listen to, lyrics and interviews to read, CDs to buy, gigs to go to).

So, CameronStewart, erm, Britney Spears maybe?

(I'm so fucked.)

*I did have a casual 2-months relationship last summer and guess how this guy broke up with me. Phone call? Nope. Text message? Nope. Post-it note? Nope. No, he just stopped replying to my text messages and ignored me when he saw me at a club. He apologised in the end after I had sent him several text messages and called him late at night. What a cunt though. And you thought skirts were bad...
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
10:10 / 04.11.04
And it's not getting any easier. The longer this takes, the more I realise that I'm never going to meet someone like him again*.

Which, given that your relationship ended after six months and has made you unhappy for two and a half years, is a damn good thing. Another one of those sounds like a nightmare scenario. On the plus side, there are all sorts of people who are not like him, but have many adorable qualities...
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
10:33 / 04.11.04
Very much agreed.
 
 
Spaniel
11:50 / 04.11.04
Suedey, I know it's hard but you've got to stop ringing her. Break-ups make us delusional maniacs. Suddenly the most irrational behaviour can seem not only justified but necessary.

She owes you an apology for x - you better ring her.
You've seen where it all went wrong - you better write her a letter explaining everything in great detail.
What was that look in her eyes the last time you saw each other? You better go round and ask her.

Etcetera.

The thing is, none of it will make you feel any better or solve your problems. Matter of fact, all of the above will only make matters worse.

What you need is time and space (well away from her), and eventually you'll get your head straight.

And, to reiterate what Haus said, your ex-girlfriend can't help you through the break-up. Best barbeadvice I've ever heard.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:06 / 04.11.04
Yeah, that all makes sense. It's been a bit hard lately though (most cliched thing to say EVAAAAAR) because of circumstances that got a little beyond my control, and trying to work out how to be friends...

But you're right, that can only really come about later when everyone's used to new situations and the like. Basically, I'm seeing her next week (because I have to), and after that I'll try and keep a better handle on things, and get on with my own stuff.

Everything is so odd, like there's a degree of unreality to everything that's started to filter through in to what's actually happening. I don't know. It's also funny that people just repeating and telling you all the relationship things you already know can be so useful! It's like... the advice is always the same, everyone is aware of all these points, they just need to get hammered in there!

Bear in mind I am young and foolish. The first is always the worst, aye?
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
12:12 / 04.11.04
Sorry, but no. The first is always the first: it's important because of that.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:16 / 04.11.04
Bugger.
 
 
Spaniel
12:18 / 04.11.04
The first doesn't have to be the worst, although those in the midst of their first break-up often run the risk of compounding matters by behaving like an insane twat.

My first serious break-up, when I were but a boy of seventeen years, was a fucking nightmare. I made every mistake under the sun. I was such a mental, needy little berk, that...

...No, I can't tell you. The shame is still fresh, after all these years.

The thing is, when I tell you to keep hold of your sanity and pride (as best you can), I'm not lecturing or brow-beating, I'm trying to make your life that little bit easier.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:19 / 04.11.04
I didn't really mean that, anyway. I mean... with situations like this it's always gonna be bad, but that means that it was good, which probably means that it was worth it. Unless it was just bad anyway, but I'm hoping to avoid that.
 
 
Spaniel
12:21 / 04.11.04
To expand on what Haus said.

Of course establishing healthy break-up behaviour now will make subsequent break-ups that much easier to handle.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:29 / 04.11.04
On reflection, it seems most absurd in a lot of ways that so many young people go right in to monogamous relationships and try to stay together for so long, when really the outcome is almost never going to be one that doesn't involve splitting up. It's kind of sweet, but just a little mad.
 
 
Spaniel
12:31 / 04.11.04
Hey, but you know, it's life's little (and big) finitudes that make it worth living.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:38 / 04.11.04
Well thank you! I am going to stop being embarassing and emo now. But if I have a relapse I'll come back here and say silly things until somebody tells me to shut up and I realise I'm being stupid.

Hurrah! Barbe-support!
 
 
imaginary mice
12:38 / 04.11.04
I don't understand why people split up.

I think it's wonderful if there is someone who wants to spend time with me. Even if he doesn't love me. Even if he's not faithful. Even if I don't see him very often. AT. LEAST. THERE'S. SOMEONE. THERE.

Bah.

(Sorry, just feeling terribly lonely at the moment.)
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:41 / 04.11.04
I'm just trying to imagine how confusing it would get if nobody ever split up...
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
12:47 / 04.11.04
Suedey: It's a project that I think Livejournal and weblogger are working towards, by making it totally impossible for anybody ever to stop having access to each other.

Thanks Boboss. On the other hand, yeah - you make a lot of mistakes that you can learn from (or repeat ad infinitum, in my case. Ahem). It's very possible that you *won't* pull off being friends successfully, so don't beat yourself up too much if it all goes a bit pear-shaped. IMHO, it's important to respect boundaries. If you've made plans for the evening, don't change them because you've heard that she's going to be somewhere else. Ask yourself before you call her whether this is burning-building important or just if-I-don't-find-out-what-she's-thinking-I'll-go-mad important. And if she asks you to stop contacting her, even if you don't think her reasons are good, it's best just to do it.

Meanwhile, imaginary mice, I think, at the risk of sounding like Judge Judy, is it possible that the person who needs to like being aroung you is you?
 
 
Spaniel
12:52 / 04.11.04
Mice, you've really got to stop wishing yourself into a world of hurt.
 
 
Spaniel
13:00 / 04.11.04
Remaining friends is tricky, in my experience it's easier if you're already friends at some level. It's surprising how many people in romantic relationships don't actually like each other very much (in a matey way).
 
 
Lilly Nowhere Late
13:06 / 04.11.04
You all need to go on a trip to some city you've never been to before, have a weird wander around the place,pretend to be who you wish you were, pick up someone for a pure one night stand. Then realize that your own company isn't that bad, that life is full of relationships and break ups and true love and all that and then enjoy whatever happens when you go back home.
Get stuff going on in your own life to look forward to.
Be done with the past.
Enjoy the future.
Now.
 
 
Spaniel
13:14 / 04.11.04
Lilly, I think that's exactly the kind of advice this thread is trying to avoid: simple, one size fits all solutions.

Not trying to get at you. Just trying to take others' pain seriously.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
13:25 / 04.11.04
Yeah, that solution doesn't work all too well for agoraphobics...
 
 
CameronStewart
13:33 / 04.11.04
[b]I know it's hard but you've got to stop ringing her. Break-ups make us delusional maniacs. Suddenly the most irrational behaviour can seem not only justified but necessary.

She owes you an apology for x - you better ring her.
You've seen where it all went wrong - you better write her a letter explaining everything in great detail.
What was that look in her eyes the last time you saw each other? You better go round and ask her.

The thing is, none of it will make you feel any better or solve your problems. Matter of fact, all of the above will only make matters worse[/b]

Thank god I realized this part in time. The day after the breakup I asked her to meet me again. I felt like she had steamrollered me - she obviously had time to reflect and prepare what she had to say, whereas I just sat there dumbfounded and wet-eyed and didn't really say much. The next day, after I'd had time to compose myself and reflect, I felt like I had a lot yet to say, a lot yet to ask (including, very likely, "are you sure this won't work?" and "what can I do to make it work?") and so I asked her to come round again so that we could talk about it a second time.

Fortunately, with the advice of a friend, I realized that nothing constructive would come from that conversation - I was extremely unlikely to change her mind, and all it would do is upset me further and make her more stressed and uncomfortable around me, and threaten what potential friendship we may have. I called her to cancel and dodged the bullet.

I was actually feeling better until I saw the personal ad. That's what made me unable to sleep last night.

[b]On a slightly deeper level, and something for when you're feeling a bit less fragile, it might be worth looking at some of the dynamics here. No offence intended, but if in week three you are in capital-L love, then it's possible that, however wonderful the party of the second part is, the relationship was also tapping into something larger than itself already operative within you. It also means that you're not just mourning the 5-week relationship you had, but the much longer relationship you didn't have but wanted, which is an absolute pain.[/b]

Yeah, I think you've really hit something here. Thanks for expressing that.

I forgot - or rather omitted due to embarrassment - the best part of the story. Remember when I said we were whirlwind and went to New York together? Well, at that time we were so convinced of our rightfulness for each other that we went a little nuts and impulsively booked a trip to Paris for the end of the year. We knew it was a risk, but decided that we felt confident we'd still be together by the end of December.

Ahem.

Anyway, since the tickets are non-transferable, non-refundable, we talked about what to do and decided that since neither of us want to give up the trip, and that we would still like to be friends, we're still going to go. We've cancelled the hotel room that we had together and have made alternate, separate arrangements.

The trip is two months away, aroud twice as long as we were actually together. Since I always think that the mourning period shouldn't really ever exceed the time you were together, the hope is that by the end of December I'll be comfortable travelling with her merely as a friend. Worst case scenario is that, if it proves to be still difficult for me to see her, we fly together and then go our separate ways once we arrive. Not an ideal or pleasant scenario but it's really the only one we can think of, short of just not bothering to go.

Gah.
 
 
Ariadne
13:35 / 04.11.04
Hang about, I think Lilly's advice is good. In what way is it more one-size-fits-all than anything else that's been said?
You have to regain a sense of yourself, even after a short relationship - being rejected when you think it's going well can really rock your ideas of who you are.
Cameron, I hope you're feeling better this morning.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
13:52 / 04.11.04
There's always something like your "personal ad" moment, isn't there? Like a punch right in the gut. Always seems to happen when you think you're getting back on top of things, maybe going out with your friends... WAITWHATSSHEDOINGWITHTHATGUY! Everyone's favourite night out!

But you know, Paris is lovely so I do hope you get to enjoy it properly. Just remember the crepes. They are there for you, and they have much chocolate.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
14:07 / 04.11.04
Hang about, I think Lilly's advice is good. In what way is it more one-size-fits-all than anything else that's been said?

Well, for me it was probably the fact that it begins "you all need". I don't think there is a single thing "we all need" in the face of a breakup, or a single person qualified to advise us. A dear friend of mine has just left a relationship of a length I can't even contemplate, and I think that the Lily method would not be an appropriate mourning process for her. I'm not complaining about emotionally wounded people looking for sex - God knows, without them I would have starved during the cold winter of 1999. Travelling to strange towns and having one night stands is one possible option. There are many, many others.
 
 
_Boboss
14:09 / 04.11.04
personal ad? she's blatantly a loser. don't worry.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
14:14 / 04.11.04
I don't think Cameron's worried that he was going to have trouble feeling that he was better than her, Gambit. Rather, that people react to breakups in different ways, and sometimes those ways have to be about themselves to the exclusion of considering the other person's feelings, which is difficult if you also want to feel as if that person is, ultimately, going to be your good and valued friend.
 
 
_Boboss
14:15 / 04.11.04
or, y'know, maybe not, be a good one to throw at her if she's getting on your tits in paris though.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
14:18 / 04.11.04
Haus, I have to say, everything you've been saying in this thread has been quite relentless in hitting the nail on the head, so thank you.
 
  

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