It's been nearly half-a-year since I ranted about my romantic (mis)adventures on here, so I apologize for the lenght, but here goes...
Some here are aware of the last time I feel head over heels in love with someone, and the resulting bookstore foreplay that led up to what could very well be the most spectacular anticlimax in the history of our species. When Miss Judi had exited from my life I became despondant... Staying up at night looking up at the accursed ceiling and saying "WHY WHY WHY?!?!" Or, if I was feeling all gloomy, walking solemly through the blasted heaths pondering the nature of solitary soul-searching. Key thoughts: Will I ever love again? Will I ever meet my one true love? Does such a thing exist? Will I EVER meet that special someone. (Of course, lets be honest... Moody gothic post-college artist types are a dime a dozen in these trying times).
And yet, love once again entered my life. The scene? Once again, at a bookstore (who needs to go to clubs or bars anyway?), just this time, it was my new job... My place of enployment, as it were. My first day at the job, still reeling from my perceived failure with Judi, I met him... And Judi kinda became a distant memory after that. His name is Kevin, and he is my age, with short reddish hair and a pierced septum (I've always liked pierced septums). He's a tad heavier then me, but that's not saying anything... Almost everyone I encounter is heavier then me, giving my appearance (think a skeleton in the first stage of pregnancy). He usually wears a pentagram necklace. I shook his hand and he said "Hi" to me and he had the softest, most beautiful voice. One of those annoying instant crushes developed. I hate it when that happens.
About a week into my new job I was in the breakroom one night eating my rice-a-roni when he came in and sat near me and started eating his meal. Displaying what can only be called rash boldness (for myself at least) I actually struck up a conversation with him. We talked about college... I told him I graduated in the summer of 03, he told me he was almost on the verge of graduating himself (from some sort of physical therapy school). He told me he wanted to do massages and become an alternative healer. I asked him what types of books he liked and he told me "New Age stuff, horror books, weird stuff in general". To which I thought h'mmmm.... I named him afew of my favorite writers (I won't name drop, you can probably guess by this time junction) and I told him I was interested in the occult. He told me that he too was a magician and that he ran the store's new age bookclub with another employee, a female friend of his (more on her in a bit). We talked about magic for a bit and ended up talking about Ol' Aleister himself when his break ended and he had to get back to work. By this point I began to think "Perhaps this is a person I finally have a chance with? Ahhh, but what way does he spring?" I was worried that my brief vacation in the land of the Straights had terminally damaged my "device for detecting and locating a fellow homosexual" but something about him screamed "GAY!!!!!" to me. I just needed proof.
Of course I soon came upon some clues that confirmed that he was, indeed, a poof. Exhibit A: The "Equal" sign on his bumper sticker. Exhibit B: I saw him looking through the "Gay/lesbian" section quite a bit. Exhibit C: One month for his staff pick he recommended a book on gay marriage. And finally, Exhibit D: One day I was by the cash registers up front (where he usually works: I myself work at the opposite end of the store in the children's section so I don't see him as often as I like) and he was talking to a female cashier about how he thought that one day he's probably end up living a solitary life as a shamanic healer up in the mountains some day because he doubted he'd ever meet anyone or get married anytime soon. The coworker pointed out to him that he could legally get married now but he said he thought the Constitution would one day shoot that down. She also told him that he probably just hadn't found the right person yet. From all this I deduced that he was most probably gay and, if not, bisexual at the very least (impressive deduction on my part, eh Watson?) The next question was, what did he think about me?
This area is more problamatic. I mean, he's always nice to me when he sees me, saying hi and asking how I am (and vice-versa) and one night when I was leaving the store after it closed up I glanced over my shoulder and I saw him watching me leave, but maybe he was just curious to see what my car looked like. He's complimented my book taste at times when he's cashed me out... Like the time I got the book "The Name of the Rose" by Umberto Eco or the time I got a huge book on alchemy and mysticism that he told me he had had his eye on for awhile. But we've never really had an intimate conversation like we did that first week months ago, for some reason. I'm not sure if he has any attraction towards me, or maybe he does but he just isn't sure how I swing. I mean, let's be honest... Salteen crackers ooze more sexuality then I do and there's nothing very overtly gay/bi about my behaviour... I'm very asexual it would seem. Like Morrisey. There were obvious things I could have done to clue him in... Recommended a gay themed book of my own, had him cash out such a book for me, but such a ploy seemed too obvious.
Poppy Z. Brite enters our story here. For those who've never read her she used to write very homoerotic bloody horror novels back in the 90's. Since then she's changed her focus and now writes gay-themed New Orleans chef novels. She's one of my favorite writers. This year (April) she released a new book called "Liquor". I did a very long, typically personal review for Amazon and she actually commented on it (and mentioned me by name!) in her blog, which touched me in a weird way. I should say that in this review I made clear, for no real pertinent reason, my preference for men and one of her earlier books, "Drawing Blood", which was very homoerotic.
What, you may very well ask, does this have to do with anything? (Patience, Master Skywalker!) Just sometime last week new staff recs went up at my store, so as usual I looked them over and came upon Kevin's and one of his was Poppy Z. Brite's "Drawing Blood". "Eureka! What Jung would coin a synchronicity!" I exclaimed (to myself, of course). I now had a perfect conversational piece to bring up with Kevin. Talk about Poppy Z. Brite, subtly mention how she mentioned me in her blog, and hope that somehow he'd be curious enough to read my review and see where my inclinations lie (Hell, it's what I would do... then again my train of thought usually seems to come from somewhere beyond the third rock from the sun). I also noticed that the other book he recommended for that month was called "We Need To Talk About Kevin". I wondered if this was a coded message: Take out the word "it" and you get "We need to talk... Kevin". I wondered if he had seen Brite mention my name, read my review, and now he was trying to get my sttention in this way. Sure, it was a thin strand, but keep in mind he would have had to go through all the trouble of ordering all these Brite books... seems like a lot of work just for a staff rec!
I hatched a plan. I knew the best time to talk to him in private was during his one break on saturday night, at 10:45 (he only works part-time that night). I deliberetly witheld from taking my own break till 10:40. In this manner I was in the breakroom when he showed up. I was ready. Here was the conversation:
Kevin: Hey.
Me: Hey.
(He sits down, looks at the wall, flips through a horoscope calendar someone left on the table. I flip through a People magazine and pretend to be interested in it. The air has a curious tense feeling).
Me: So, you're working till 12 tonight? (LAME! Of course he is! I knew that, and he knew I knew that!)
Kevin: Yeah. You're here till 11, right?
Me: Yeah.
(Another few minutes of awkward silence. Then his break ends and he leaves).
ARGGHHHH!!!! Yet again I wimped out! Very disappointing. I don't understand where all this tension came from... Perhaps I just make people tense? But everyone else at teh store makes conversation with me quite easily, so that can't be it. And he seems to be quite chatty with the other employees also. What happened to cause all this anxiety between us that never existed when I first joined? Is he like me? Another isolated, shy, insecure about his looks type (this seems likely I should add). Hell, I even saw him shopping there with his mother once. He probably still lives with his parents, like me.
Later on the evening prior to closing time I was all by my lonesome in the Kids department shelving stuff when I saw kevin walk up to me. My heart leaped! Until he held up a book and asked me "Where's the poop, James?" in a joking manner.
I laughed. The book was called "Where's the Poop", so I told him it went in the Growing Up section.
Where's the poop. Where's the poop. WHERE'S THE POOP?!?! Indeed. Not the conversation I was hoping for, mind. Bleh (one of my friends wondered if this was another coded homosexual slang thing, but I told her I doubt it).
If only I could get to know him better as a friend. I suppose I could join his New Age bookgroup that meets once a month, but... I mean... New Age? Crystals and shit? I don't think my stomach could take it. He probably thinks that I don't like him or that I find him unattractive. If only he knew how much I cared about him, how cute I thought he was, what a fascinating person I think he is.... I need to stop getting attracted to shrinking violet types. Knowing me I'll probably kick myself over this for a few days, prepare for our next conversation that never happens, and repeat the cycle. A big part of the problem is not only do we work in different departments, but I only see him 2 days a week, and only a lot on Wednesday. Amazing, I work five freaking days a week and two of the days he's there is on my days off. Yeesh.
I haven't given up yet though. It just seems like we'd be perfect for each other. Awhile ago I had a friend launch a sigil for me to get the boyfriend of my dreams, and he really does seem like the one. He's different from any gay guy I've ever known. And I like the fact he's a professional massage therapist now, giving my constantly tense, aching body. I can day-dream...
Ack! Angst overload! |
