| |
|
Commandments for losing weight, getting fit and becoming even more gorgeous, Jub:
1. Never let the Seldom Killer lead you into the chocolate cafe he frequents, where everything has chocolate in it. 1a. Heed no advice from a person who would do such a thing.
Incidentally, his post, you will notice, is double spaced throughout. That's a very bad sign.
2. Hypnosis. Expensive but fun. Doesn't work forever, in my experience, but you can make great headway in a short space of time. Will kick you off on the path to self improvement and slenderous fabulousness.
3. Find some form of exercise that you actively enjoy. Obvious really but unless you can find something that has some secondary gain beyond eventual, ultimate weight loss, you'll never stick with it. I have found that being able to wear my walkman suring is obligatory. So I have sworn off the mountaineering and ballroom dancing.
4. Don't stop smoking. You will get even fatter.
5. Do stop the fags and stay off or else you'll never have the puff for all this exercise you're going to do.
6. Never take advice from a fat person about how to lose weight. Find someone who was once fat and got thin (like me) and stayed thin (unlike me). And only listen to them if you think they smile a lot and have better sex than you do. You may need to have sex with them to determine this of course, but that's very good exercise.
7. Never take advice from a mesomorph about how to lose weight. Just admire their muscles and accept that God shafted you when he designed you. You might get scrawny. You will never get Schwarzeneggery without a personality transplant and a nasty steroid habit.
8. Never take advice from Kate Moss. People who "just eat what they like and never put weight on" should be avoided, or shot. If they're over thirty years old, at least.
9. Have surgery on your legs to extend their length. You can weigh the same but will appear much thinner.
10. Seldom Killer was right (probably a fluke, though)about changing the kind of sustenance you take rather than the amount. Hence my present Atkins regime, which is going surprisingly well.
Realise too that you may become thinner, fitter and more productive but it might prove an empty victory. I got down to nine and a half stone once and everything in my life still sucked, as it did during that Dark Age I endured, and I had to buy lots of new clothes. I'm aiming for an Eddie Izzard level of cuddliness now, rather than my present King of Tonga proportions. I have abandoned any aspiration to being a Cher-like wisp. Fortunately my lovely partner is a chubby chaser.
Good luck. |
|
|
