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Barbelith #500

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Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

15:44 / 21.11.03

Ewwwwww!

16:09 / 21.11.03

Right. The night nurse at St. Vincent's has a mustache and a wooden leg; I'm pretty sure I narrowly escaped death at the hands of the infamous contract assassin Magdalena Midnite! This goddam town is crawling with preposterous murderers, just like the old days. It's great! But 5th Avenue is really fuckin' crowded for some reason. Everyone's just milling around watching something on their iPod wristwatches. Or whatever they are. Or maybe I just haven't worked all the morphine out of my system, I dunno. But just in case, I'm gonna rig up some knives or something on my walker.

Flux, don't do anything till I get there. I'm on my way!

Whoops, there's the bus.

16:32 / 21.11.03

Flux, maybe you should start a Gathering thread about this.

Uh, hey, could someone pick me up a change of clothes? It's a little cold out for this hospital gown. I'd jack someone on this bus, but there's only the driver and a little girl and some one-eyed bum in a soggy fur coat that smells like wet dog...

Oh.

Oh.

This is rigodamdicu

17:31 / 21.11.03

*GASP!*

Hang in there, Q!

Murray Hamhandler

19:06 / 21.11.03

Whats goin on here now? It looks like insanitie! Last thing i rembember I got stabed by a sord and saved Jermaine, Jr. From then on its a blur. Now i come here and see crazy stuff goin on all over including wierd posts where i say Im a computer expurt! I never rote that, did I?

It seems like i was on my way to do somethin, to help sombody out. Soething about vinagir hills and stoping hackers or something. Something about stoping Flux from doing something dangerus? I dont no, but i think im goin ta take a nap now insted, right here in the cofee shop. Hopfully everthing will just work out.

P.s. does any one kno why everbody in here is talkin into there watches and stareing at me?

p.s. number 2 if you see Jermaine, Jr. you migt want to look after him. I lost him somewher after i took my medication.

The Apple-Picker

19:25 / 21.11.03

I'll fucking exsanguinate you if you don't find and protect Jermaine Jr., Deric. Now. We lost his father far too soon. If something happens to Jr., I won't be able to bear it. You will have to pay for that.

Matthew Fluxington

19:33 / 21.11.03

Listen, guys - I'm going to take the kids to Burger King to get something to eat. We'll be back parked near that creepy old mansion in Vinegar Hill pretty soon. Just go to Front Street in Dumbo and keep walking past the Manhattan Bridge, okay? We'll be ready. Bring weapons - we're fearing the worst.

21:06 / 21.11.03

You bunch of ingratefuls. The squad and myself down at the mafia H.Q, a.k.a: The Purple Horse, inside the Office of Offices and we come across this anomily and no one has even batted an eyelash over it. The squad has been standing here in bewilderment, picking our teeth with our hollowpoints and scratching our...erm, heads...all the while the the rival family and owners of the competition to the Purple Horse, (The Pink Wolverine) have been approaching. At least this is what the the redirected text messages are saying.

"We are coming for the Godparent of the Purple Horse Family, Don Theo!" -The Pink Wolverines

You are at a stinking Burger King with the kids, Flux?

Well, that settles it, I thinks this plot reeks. You realise this implicates you as Theo's parent, don't you?

Matthew Fluxington

21:24 / 21.11.03

We're under attack! We're under attack!

The kids and I just returned to Vinegar Hill - we walked right into their trap! Deric, Tryphena, and Flyboy have been captured, and now we're being chased by mobsters in dune buggies (AGAIN!) on the BQE! Eddie won't stop crying, and Theo's driving like a maniac. I think this may be the end, folks... that is, unless a miracle happens!

21:24 / 21.11.03

I guess my uncle threw JJ out of the apartment sometime last night. I hope hes ok, wherever he may be.

I woke up this morning and slid in through the secret passageway in the basement of my grandmothers building. I went upstairs to confront my uncle and get my wallet and stuff back but when I open the door the apartment was filled with people I've never seen before. They were all arguing about something but I'm not sure what.

The guy in my grandmas chair seemed to be in charge but I'm not sure. I snapped a couple pictures with my mini camera. This seemed to be the boss guy:

The guy that was arguing with him kept saying "Lets just kill the fuckers and be done with it!" over and over like it was a mantra or something. I took his picture too but someone bumped into me and its a bit blurry:

The guy that bumped into me started swearing in Russian and drew everyone attention so I thrashed him with my bike chain and dove down an empty elevator shaft. I hit the streets running and I'm not looking back.

I'll check back in when I hit the west coast. Good luck you guys!

21:27 / 21.11.03

May Trix, you silly ninja overlord, Theo's too young to be a capo, and besides, he's Dutch, not a greasy dago. There's probably several hundred thousand people named Theo in the Metropolitan area, you know.

Ow. KillRoy is biting me hard.

Hey, look! Dune buggies!

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

21:47 / 21.11.03

My head hurts.

I think I...uh... fell off Tryphena's horse at some point. Look I'm 12 ok, I didn't think she'd notice! I guess she did though, she got kind of mad. Girls are funny.

So anyway, I didn't know where I was again. But I made the most of my situation and started selling my hotdogs to put together funds for our revolution. I was a bit thrown of by currencies over here, so I just asked everyone to pay what they normally would. I made $1.25! Is that a lot?

Oddly enough a bunch of mobsters in dune buggies parked up by me, and I offered them some free hotdogs for a lift. Turns out they were more than willing to go for this transaction... so watch out guys! But I'm coming to you at last! With the enemy!!!!!

Maybe if I can find my secret hotdogs I can commandeer this goddamn dune buggy....

Matthew Fluxington

21:51 / 21.11.03

God damn it! Eddie is terrible at throwing grenades! He just dropped one out the window by accident. I managed to pick off one of the dune buggies, but the explosion caused a multiple car pile up! This is horrific... we need help!

21:52 / 21.11.03

These fucking Dune Buggies, honestly.. is the Mafia run by lifeguards these days or something??

But anyway, I note that Russell Tyrone Jones appears to have gotten misplaced in all the chaos.. could help - of a rather erratic variety - be on it's way?

Keep Watching the Skies..

Matthew Fluxington

21:55 / 21.11.03

Ewwwww! Eddie Willis just threw up all over the back of the van!

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:01 / 21.11.03

Whoa! You nearly got me in that pile up Flux.. or Eddie, I guess.

It's a good job I can type and drive. That's right, I'm in one of the dune buggies behind you now, and I'm trying to take them out with hotdogs. I've never told anyone this, but in my days of schooling (in hot dog vending) I discovered how to cook a hotdog that was so hard in consistency that you would feel it hit you before it did!

Anyway, my dune buggie is pretty far back, so I can take them from behind. I'm watching your back, man! Hopefully I can help, my super hotdogs are all the help I need! These hotdogs have a consistency so thick you'll feel them hit you before you know what's going on!

Matthew Fluxington

22:01 / 21.11.03

Holy shit! Some dude just jumped off an overpass into one of the dune buggies chasing us, and just started mauling the driver! Now that buggie is out of control!

I'm not sure....but I think it was Russell!

22:01 / 21.11.03

I am declaring these threads as part of Quebec.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:09 / 21.11.03

Russell is out of control! Jesus, that guy.... his eyes! He's gone wild!

I've fashioned some sausage nunchuckas from my super hard sausages and some string. Unfortunately I just seem to keep hitting myself with them. So I'm feeling a little dizzy.

Has anyone got any energy drinks?

Whoa! Russell just threw me some Pimp Juice! Now I feel Like NELLY!

Matthew Fluxington

22:24 / 21.11.03

Okay... Thanks to Suede and Russell, we've managed to get away from the mobsters... we're going to keep on going, driving into Long Island....we need to find a place to rest, and to clean up this van. Please, keep in contact with me, people. My prayers are with you. I promise you, we'll find a way to save Barbelith...I think I have no choice but to make the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE. But I'm scared...

22:40 / 21.11.03

Suede! Look up!

I bought a helicopter from the Korean bodega on 125th. I'm going to send down the rope ladder, get up here so you and Russell can rain hot sausage death from above on these mobster scum! Hurry, we have to save Flux and the kids!

We have to save Barbelith!

22:43 / 21.11.03

I know I said I was out of here but then I thought about how Han Solo showed up at the end of StarWars and I knew I had to come back and try to save Flux. May the Nexus be with you Flux. Always.

(You know this means I get to marry your sister, right?)

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:46 / 21.11.03

Cool! A helicopter! This is totally sweet!

And this pimp juice is totally awesome. I feel giddy.

00:42 / 22.11.03

I can't believe you let Eddie Willis puke in my fucking van. How are we going to decontaminate the fucking thing? How are we going to decontaminate you? You're covered with fucking spyrochetes now!

Christ.

Anyway. It turns out that KillRoy has the same birthmark as me on his inner thigh, and he does look like me in spite of the beard, and we're actually twin brothers or some shit. I dunno. Anyway, he's switched sides and we buried the hatchet. In his face.

That's right, I killed him. I killed the busdriver and the little girl, too. They wouldn't stop screaming. I'll meet you in Wampaugh, dude, but I'm not going to shake your hand.

I'm really tired now.

01:54 / 22.11.03

We took care of most of the mafia buggies a couple of hours ago. I had no idea Pimp Juice was that flamable! You should have heard the screams Q, it would have made you proud. You know, I think Pimp Juice might be able to clean out your van too. Anyway, we parked the chopper in a cave just outside the city and are planning our next move.

Matthew Fluxington

14:02 / 22.11.03

This will be our final stand.

It will only be a matter of time before the mob finds us...but little do they know that this time, they are walking into OUR trap!

Matthew Fluxington

14:40 / 22.11.03

Oh no...where the hell did Russell go?

Good news, folks...Theo and Bio created a counter-virus and introduced it to the Barbelith code matrix...this should buy us some time and at least delay the inevitable perversion of the codestream...

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

15:08 / 22.11.03

Too late. I already perveted it. Now it only wanks itself off to really nasty granny porn.

15:18 / 22.11.03

Radiator, if you ever materialize outside of cyberspace I'm going to say very, very discouraging things to you before I disembowel you with a pair of hedge-trimming sheers. I got the sheers all ready and everything.

Tryphena Absent

15:22 / 22.11.03

Hey, it's okay, I'm back. Russell T. Jones and Dennis Coles burst through a wall on the back of my horse saving me, Deric and Flyboy from an interrogation worse than death! They gave us a sleeping bag each to keep us warm and everything! I don't know where the others have gone but me and Russell rode here together. The others couldn't fit, police horses might walk on water and knock down walls but they can't stretch you know!! It's nice to finally see all of you.

Hey Russell, you can let go of my waist now.

15:14 / 23.11.03

Ha ha! I just had the goofiest dream. Todd and I were riding motorcycles and I realized we were extras on the cast of CHiPS. We flagged down a limo that was speeding and Eleanor Duse was in the backseat filming pornographic movies, and she invited Todd to perform but he chickened out. Then I tried to open the door of the limo, but my hands kept slipping off the handle and I realized my fingers were all broken. Then Emilio Esteves, who was directing this episode, yelled cut and started giving me a hard time.

Anyway, we're all here in an abandoned Motel 6 on the North Shore of Long Island. It's right on the beach, which is nice, and there's a jacuzzi in right in my bedroom! It's kind of chilly and windy, and the beach is all rocky, but the sun's shining and everything. We've had a delicious breakfast of hot dogs and sauerkraut, thanks to Sueadehead, and I'm thinking we could whip up some horse steaks tonight. There's no power, so Theo, Russel & Bio K9 are building a windmill thingamajig to power the laptops and the relay tower, and Trephena and Flyboy and the rest are patrolling. I'm not much use right now, because of all the injuries I've sustained--my jaw's wired shut, so I can't even talk--so I'm looking after Eddie Willis and Dericgeneric. When it gets dark, we're going to push the van out onto the beach and set it on fire. It's the end of an era, but I just can't face the spyrochetes.

Gotta go--Eddie Willis and Deric want to dig a hole to China. They're sweet kids, really.

20:16 / 23.11.03

"We've had a delicious breakfast of hot dogs and sauerkraut, thanks to Sueadehead, and I'm thinking we could whip up some horse steaks tonight. There's no power, so Theo, Russel & Bio K9 are building a windmill thingamajig to power the laptops and the relay tower, and Trephena and Flyboy and the rest are patrolling. I'm not much use right now, because of all the injuries I've sustained--my jaw's wired shut, so I can't even talk--"~FQalyn

Wow, are you making horse steak shakes to accomodate the inconvenience of your wired jaw, Qalyn? And breakfast...sauerkraut shakes? *shivers* Maybe if there was money involved. Hmm...you could open up your own restaurant with those horse steak shakes, call it "The Pureed Horse" and serve the shakes as the house specialty.

As if almost over night, the numbers of the squid squad have risen from an octosquad to a healthy 490 armed network of...wait a minute...

...thousand? What do you mean...? THOUSANDS!?!?

Wow...I'll get back to you all. I have to go hook up with some fire-dancing samurai who are living in Hawaii. Qalyn take care of that jaw dude, enjoy your dinner. Everyone who survives the dunebuggy invasion and perverted codestream I wish you all well - good luck with the hole to China...and Theo, if you are reading this...ya know, I think your name means "god".

00:36 / 24.11.03

Jermaine Jr. is safe, he showed up at my house minutes ago, telling me he found his way w/ the help of a map found on a napkin he got from a hotdog vendor, thank you Sueadehead... aparently he hijacked a hot air baloon... at anyrate he filled me in on the sit, he's safe now w/ me, i can now only wish you luck from my midwestern barbelith hideout... it's the hour of the wolf, so for Barbelith's sake, god speed in yr victory!

Matthew Fluxington

11:55 / 24.11.03

This is the beginning of the end, people. According to Theo's data array, we know that several enemy helicopters are approaching from the southwest. This is the endgame! We must not fail.

Tryphena Absent

12:03 / 24.11.03

Umm, I'm scared, where's Russell gone? Stay behind me Theo, you're very short, maybe they won't be able to see you.

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